‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

@Snaketime

I've not RTFT op, but I read something once that said 'never judge what someone has on their plate based on what you have on yours, your plate maybe be strong but theirs may be made from paper.'

I like this too. Especially in the pandemic I have found myself judging people and then pulling myself up short.

The bit I struggle with though is actually telling people how hard I find my life is!

So I'm sure that many other people think my plate is strong when I live life feeling as if it is made of paper.

I had two children when hers was younger. My youngest is now primary aged.

I do think people are misunderstanding me. I’m not judging her life. I’m not even saying she isn’t busy.

I’m saying it’s a weird thing to say to me, especially couched as saying her life is busier and harder than mine (anyones, actually).

It’s not a game I want to play but when I’m off the back of an AFD (9am to 2am some weekends) waking up to a text on a Sunday about how shes soooo tired and stressed and needs a day off is a bit much.

I have a neighbour like this. Drives me mad shes so self obsessed. We work FT/four kids/studying etc but when it came to helping out for brownies it was us that did it. Volunteer for school Council? Us again. Drop kids to town for activity? U guessed it...us again !!! We just did it. Didn't bother to point out that really she could facilitate this..She is soo in her own bubble she has idea how everyone else manages and never offers to do anything or volunteer for anything.. so convinced is she by her own narrative of being busy. Just stop replying and engaging there is no point.

Competitive busy-ness, how 90s.

Agree with @JMary2021, sounds like both you and her have a tendency to ‘exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth’. You can’t change her but you could try the Brene Brown approach yourself - give up on the comparisons and treat yourself to a bit of rest and play. You deserve it.

OP isn't being competitively busy though she's not the one sending the texts. She's just getting on with it !

So how many children does she have? I thought you had three and she had one

@wormthatturned

Agree with *@JMary2021*, sounds like both you and her have a tendency to ‘exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth’. You can’t change her but you could try the Brene Brown approach yourself - give up on the comparisons and treat yourself to a bit of rest and play. You deserve it.

I mean I’ve already said that I’ve got today and tomorrow off and I have zero plans, I’m really not into exhaustion.

If I was competitively busy I’d be filling my days with shit to do but I value down time.

@lentilsforever

So how many children does she have? I thought you had three and she had one

Correct.

I get what you mean op. Some people don’t give you much to work with in a conversation.

The saying is If you want something done then ask a busy person. I think the implication is if you are already juggling balls then you are good at that so adding one more thing into the mix doesn't cause stress. I have a friend like yours OP. We have been friends for more than 20 years but she literally is always busy but I once analysed why when we had similar responsibilities (children, house, job, grandchildren, husband and years ago study) but I managed to fit in time for more friends and hobbies than she did. Over the years I have realised why and in her case it was that she was disorganised and easily distracted. Maybe your friend really does spend 7 hours cleaning her house or maybe she gets distracted or takes numerous coffee breaks. It really doesn't matter but the annoying thing for you is she moans to you who has more responsibilities and then wastes your spare time with texts or phone calls about how busy she is. If you want to stay friends with her then you either have to shut your ears to her whining, don't respond to texts, avoid her or respond with a quick intervention "Yes isn't it awful how we never have free time and list your activities for the day". I always think people like that have nothing else to talk about though so that is their way of making conversation.

* when hers was younger. *

Oh I read this to mean multiple

Why is most of your op telling us all about how busy YOU are? You're doing the exact same thing she does to you. It's not a competition. You sound like you're a bit out out and she can't possibly be as busy as YOU are .

Btw...your life sounds manic, why do you work so many hours? Seriously life's too short for that shit

@Goldentimes

Why is most of your op telling us all about how busy YOU are? You're doing the exact same thing she does to you. It's not a competition. You sound like you're a bit out out and she can't possibly be as busy as YOU are .

Btw...your life sounds manic, why do you work so many hours? Seriously life's too short for that shit

I was just trying to illustrate the ridiculousness of her telling me she’s busier than I am.

Not in a competitive way ffs, but I am busy with commitments and work and she’s busy with shopping and lunches. She complains that she’s tired all the time and needs some downtime. Her stuff IS downtime. She could spend a day on the sofa if she wanted to but she likes to moan that she wishes she could.

* she’s busy with shopping and lunches*

Well then she is busy! Just a different busy to you

@lentilsforever

* she’s busy with shopping and lunches*

Well then she is busy! Just a different busy to you

Don’t be obtuse.

Shopping and lunching is stuff you do on a day off. It’s fun stuff. She complains about it. I think well just don’t do it then. It’s bizarre.

She is busy
But doing stuff that you don’t regard as “properly busy”

Anyway, you have a couple of days of kicking back before returning to your “genuinely busy” (frenetic in my view!) life, so make the most of it!

I stopped EVER saying I'm busy ( except to my poor DM) years ago when I realised pretty much everyone I was around considered themselves 'busy' whatever they had on their plate.

And if you feel busy, you feel busy. It's a pointless comparison.

The problem here is your friend/in law keeps texting you all about it and expecting a reaction or perhaps 'sympathy'? She also obvs has the emotional intelligence of a brick. And very self centred. ( ref Father Christmas story ) She doesn't really give a shit about you.

And it must be so BORING.

Sounds like you need a strategy to manage it. Rather than 'cure' it. That isn't going to happen.

Personally I like the reply with a 👍🏻 or a 'cute' meme every time you get the 'list of woe is me'.

I started off YABU, but I've changed my mind. She sounds like a stuck record of negativity and that would drive me bonkers. Sometimes you just need a rant about annoying people, and you can't bin a relative, so this one is deserved.

I started off YABU, but I've changed my mind. She sounds like a stuck record of negativity and that would drive me bonkers. Sometimes you just need a rant about annoying people, and you can't bin a relative, so this one is deserved.

100%

MN rant = Winning

You're being quite one man up about the whole thing and it's totally ridiculous.
She's busy doing lunches when she could be lying in the sofa while you're so so so so much more busier with much much more important things.

That's honestly how you're coming across to me. Uppity and snobby. Sorry

She sounds like she struggles, and is trying to validate that struggle by relating it to you, the elected ‘AlphaMum’ of the group. She feels the need to compete in a game she knows she can’t win. I feel more sorry for her than you - that must be exhausting.

For what it’s worth, painting her as not relevant to the world, as she could stay in bed and nothing would happen/no-one would notice is really rude and unkind. I’d cut this ‘irritation’ in your life off and maybe she’ll seek help elsewhere.

Again why do you work such crazy hours? I'm genuinely curious and I didn't mean my posts to be harsh! I know what it's like being mad mad busy like you are as that was me few years ago until I took a step back and winded down a few things so life could be less busy busy. Maybe she feels a bit inferior compared to you? So she lays it in how busy she is too?

No she’s busy doing lunches AND THEN WISHING SHE COULD HAVE A DAY ON THE SOFA.

She could have a day on the sofa any time she chooses. Much like me, today.

Also I am not Alpha in any way shape or form. If you knew me you’d find that genuinely funny. I’m a mess