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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

630 replies

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:10

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 10/11/2021 22:36

She’s not dim, she’s doing it deliberately.

Sounds like it’s your DH’s sister.

Just don’t give her any oxygen, don’t ask her any questions, give very dull replies back with no information. And leave it longer and longer between replies.

JMary2021 · 10/11/2021 22:46

I would say that as a SAHM she may feel like people think she sits on her backside all day and perhaps even feels a bit insecure about your ability to fit so much in. The lists might be a subconscious way to prove to everyone she is busy/ worthy.

Or maybe she just likes filling you in and keeping you updated, I have a friend who will text me everything she’s done, needs to do… I also have friends who never tell me anything about their lives, we are all different.

I know as a SAHM myself I’m constantly being asked ‘what do you do all day’… questions which piss me off a bit. I’m normally found picking up the slack from a husband who works so much he can’t help out (and seem incapable of seeing any mess!!)

JMary2021 · 10/11/2021 22:50

PS any other Brene Brown fans here

‘If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.’

Not implying you are OP, just that society often pushes this notion onto us and makes us feel inferior if we want constantly busy and productive.

JMary2021 · 10/11/2021 22:51

Sorry ‘aren’t’

Finnyhaddock · 10/11/2021 23:01

Do you think she might be either very dim or taking the p*?

Twelveshoes · 10/11/2021 23:09

I have no idea why people are reporting to each other that they are cleaning the bathroom or having a shower.

But comparing how many boring tasks you have been doing is the biggest non-problem I have seen on MN.

I have spent the evening lounging about watching tv and eating a flake. I am living the dream and am thankful that I neither have a sixty hour a week job or any teenagers to worry about.

Snaketime · 10/11/2021 23:16

I've not RTFT op, but I read something once that said 'never judge what someone has on their plate based on what you have on yours, your plate maybe be strong but theirs may be made from paper.'

Pat123dev · 10/11/2021 23:25

Maybe she looks up to you and is trying to match you?
Don't be judgemental, if you don't like it tell her? You don't what's going through he mind.

TheLastLonelyBakedBean · 10/11/2021 23:25

@JMary2021

PS any other Brene Brown fans here

‘If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.’

Not implying you are OP, just that society often pushes this notion onto us and makes us feel inferior if we want constantly busy and productive.

I absolutely love that Brene Brown quote! I hadn't heard it before but doesn't surprise me. Most of what she says is spot on
SueblueNZ · 10/11/2021 23:31

I agree with the poster who said that she is probably feeling insecure as a SAHM and feels she needs to justify how she spends each day.
However, in your shoes I would have to tell her I'd had enough of her daily worklogs.
"Jean, I get that your days are busy but I really don't need or want to hear about your daily jobs. How about we just text every few days to keep in touch or more often if we have news."

Wombat49 · 10/11/2021 23:33

Love Brene Brown. Worth reading her books for her description of her breakdown /spiritual awakening.

People think I do shit all but I really am dead busy. I'm neurodivergent so lots of it is in my head but frankly getting one thing a day done is an achievement.

As it is I run a business, have pets, difficult house & garden, old people to look after, yadda, yadda... People don't need to know the details of the decisions I'm making, so I don't tell them. I just say I'm busy and can practically hear the eyerolling...

PurpleSky300 · 11/11/2021 00:22

Honestly, you sound tired and resentful.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 11/11/2021 00:39

If your oldest were 4 and 5 when she had her child, they are now young adults, which you didn't make clear when you said you have 3 kids in the OP. Presumably they are able to help in the house/do things for themselves, or are even away at university?
Not saying that changes anything about her busyness, but it seems as if you were trying to make out you were running around after young children in order to emphasise how much busier you are.

peaceatlastnot · 11/11/2021 00:59

Omg. Your life sounds so much busier and bigger than hers! Drop her. She’s a SAHM, has only one child, a smaller house, a boring dh. Poor thing. Carry on with your better life

VickyPollardsTracksuit · 11/11/2021 02:59

I have a friend like this. It’s actually becoming rude as she doesn’t read the room. She will constantly say she’s busy. She has two grown up children, no pets, no parents, a modern house etc and she will say about how she’s SO busy and doesn’t have time for anything when our other friend who is a nurse with young children and no partner and elderly parents etc is stood there, she will be dead on her feet from tiredness and our friend is like ‘I am sooo busy today I have to clean my car’
It’s bizarre. She said once she didn’t have time for a job or social life Confused both her children are at college full time.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 11/11/2021 04:05

@peaceatlastnot

Omg. Your life sounds so much busier and bigger than hers! Drop her. She’s a SAHM, has only one child, a smaller house, a boring dh. Poor thing. Carry on with your better life
Absolutely hit the nail on the head, peace. This is the vibe I'm getting from a lot of people on this thread. It's so bitter.
Mintyt · 11/11/2021 06:31

I would text back with your list sort of omg I know then what you do, I tell my work colleagues I've done a days work before I start work they just laugh about having to get up early at 8 to be in the office !

lentilsforever · 11/11/2021 07:10

@Mintyt

I would text back with your list sort of omg I know then what you do, I tell my work colleagues I've done a days work before I start work they just laugh about having to get up early at 8 to be in the office !
Then it just becomes a silly competition

She feels inferior (goodness knows why, your life sounds unbelievably hectic to me!) so just say “have a good day and hope you get through it all” every single time she sends a message listing it all

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 07:37

@VickyPollardsTracksuit

I have a friend like this. It’s actually becoming rude as she doesn’t read the room. She will constantly say she’s busy. She has two grown up children, no pets, no parents, a modern house etc and she will say about how she’s SO busy and doesn’t have time for anything when our other friend who is a nurse with young children and no partner and elderly parents etc is stood there, she will be dead on her feet from tiredness and our friend is like ‘I am sooo busy today I have to clean my car’ It’s bizarre. She said once she didn’t have time for a job or social life Confused both her children are at college full time.
This is exactly it.
OP posts:
Shasha17 · 11/11/2021 07:45

Just send her a similar essay back each time Grin

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 07:54

I think there’s a lot of defensiveness on this thread from people and I’m sorry about that.

It wasn’t a SAHM bash or anything like that. I’ve known this woman for nearly sixteen years and she has always been the same, whether I’ve been a SAHM or at work. So it’s not about that. Constantly complaining about how terrible her life is in comparison to mine/other people but in really weird ways.

Like ‘nobody understands how hard it is to have a child’. I do, I can sympathise, I have dc. ‘No, no, you have two, you don’t understand how hard it is to have one’.

She had him at 39 and would always go on about how difficult it was being an older mother and how no one understood. My friend once got quite blunt with her and said look, you keep saying this, but I had dc2 at 38 and you know this so why do you keep saying you’re the only one? Her reply was that she had her FIRST at 39 so it’s completely different.

And not just around parenting etc. she can’t use Amazon because her card might get cloned so for years she’d get us to do it for her. I’ve put a stop to that now.

As a pp said it’s like she doesn’t read the room; but actually I often wonder if she does, and says some of this on purpose to certain people.

The comment she made to mil about being retired and having time on her hands would follow that pattern.

Anyway, I’m not going to give it any more headspace, this is my periodical rant where it all builds up and I’m going to go back to quietly tolerating her nonsense like the rest of the family does.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 11/11/2021 07:56

If she was a friend I’d say ditch her. If she’s a relative I’d just ignore her messages.

If she asks why tell her the truth: you’re not a therapist or a constant sounding board, and you’re sick of her moaning how busy she is when she doesn’t even work. Tell her to stop bothering you with this nonsense.

Pysgodywibliwobli · 11/11/2021 08:15

I have a friend a bit like this. Sahm now with 2 school age children but has always ( pre children/ working) been similar.

I think it's a combination of low self esteem/confidence, overly cautious and a certain rigidity about her life. Drama seems to be her default. I can see how, although she is lovely, she has struggled with friendships and jobs because of the above traits.

lentilsforever · 11/11/2021 08:16

* I have dc. ‘No, no, you have two, you don’t understand how hard it is to have one’. *

I thought you had three?

beigebrownblue · 11/11/2021 08:17

@JMary2021

PS any other Brene Brown fans here

‘If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.’

Not implying you are OP, just that society often pushes this notion onto us and makes us feel inferior if we want constantly busy and productive.

I like this. Thanks for posting it.