‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Being busy is seen as a virtue.

But i think it takes longer to clean a small house. Each time my house got bigger, it got easier as everything had a place and some spaces were less used. Only thing that took longer was two toilets took longer than one toilet.

She doesn't sound busy, she sounds bored.
If she was busy she wouldn't have time to send long daily texts.
She sounds more like her life feels empty and she's desperately trying to feel busy instead.

Why do you find it insulting?
You choose your job hours, your 2 dogs.
Why is her busy'ness not as worthy as yours.
Competitive business. I'm not busy, I choose to work part time, choose not pets, choose no hobbies. I sit at home a lot, MN'et, drink wine with friends. I choose not to be busy. It's my choice. Yours is yours, so why are you so resentful.

I wouldn’t even engage in this topic of conversation, you don’t need to.
Some people are always saying how busy they are, either because they feel overwhelmed or it validates them somehow, but busyness is so subjective. Some people are busy because they are inefficient or can’t say no. A lot of genuinely busy people just get on with it.

@justmaybenot

You both send pretty unpleasant. Her perception of busyness is hers alone, it's not up to you to decide whether it's rational or not. As others have said, if you don't like the texts, just ignore them. Maybe work on your irritability and try to be a bit more gracious.

No they don't! The OP sounds lovely & has a nice sense of humour.

If you don't have structure in your life it can feel like an endless fucking Merry go round. I actually feel less busy when I work because My time
Is structured.

I just say yes I know it’s busy being a mum isn’t it .
Honestly that list she sent I can do most of that before I’ve left for a full day at work .
I wouldn’t dream of sending someone a list of what I do in a day because why would anyone care .

This thread! 😂

She’s clearly not busy, OP. I’d do the equivalent of her busy day on a lunchtime pre-kids. When I was a SAHM I stretched out insignificant jobs so there’d be something to do each day - buy a present, send a birthday card, pay a bill etc. Now I’m back working full time, I fit life admin and all that jazz into lunchbreaks, downtime between meetings, downtime whilst I’m waiting for the DC at their respective activities. I think I’m busy now but I certainly wasn’t busy as a SAHM. That’s just laughable!

She sounds utterly insufferable. Shame you can't block her.

And no she's not busy. Doing some housework and going to buy groceries is not busy. I hate when people claim to be busy. I'm not currently busy. It's great. I took a career break and I'm setting up a business. So I have daily tasks. But I get time to go to yoga, meet a friend for coffee etc. There was a time in my life when (quite like yourself) nearly every waking jour was accounted for. I was working a fairly stressful contract, doing an industry unpaid placement and studying full-time. I had a boyfriend at the time who used to always be flaky about plans then when I complained my free time was precious he would counter "we are all busy." No he wasn't busy. He worked part time and spent many a midweek afternoon downing pints. An ex now unsurprisingly.

I've another friend who has three children, all school going age. She took maternity leave with her first and never went back. It made sense, she didn't like her work and her husband earns good money.

I have one child and three teenage DSC . One day when my LO was less than 1 she phoned me for a chat and asked if I had any news. I said no then remembered I did and told her I'd returned to work that week aand remarked it was hard hanging the baby over. "It's hardly work" she scoffed. I'm a teacher. I said I was finding it very tiring actually which had surprised me as before I never felt tired. She jeered asking what hours I worked (8.50 - 4 teaching then the usual prep every evening) and said that hardly constituted full time job. Really irked now (I'd only been remarking on the adjustment of returning to work not claiming to be changing the world), I asked how many hours she went out to work. After a long silence she said in a low angry voice that she works all day every day. I don't know wjat she thought happened when I got home from work, presumably my infant had the house cleaned and my dinner on the stove.

I have got a friend like this too.
She makes herself busy but honestly what she does in a day l could doing my lunchbreak but as others have said it makes her feel important so l let her get on with it

I’d guess this person has nothing else going on to chat about

Just text back:

"Oh my God tell me about it - I'm too busy even to list what I've got on, so crazy! Gotta rush now x"

At the end of the day you'll both have filled up exactly 24 hours though - neither of you will have spent more time on your activities than the other....

I'm on the same page with @LucentBlade because I used to be actually busy, working all hours.

Now I'm disabled, with a toddler, partner and dog.

My days are still incredibly busy (to me) but realistically I know I could never achieve work like I did before. Its really soul destroying at times.

I'll always be looked down on by people who have very full lives like yourself. My daughter will never be proud of me for the job I do. And I can't even study because after she goes to bed I'm in agony and exhausted.

Maybe she's just looking for a little validation? It really wouldn't hurt to occasionally say "yeah, sounds like a busy day ahead hope it goes well"

No, it's not your responsibility, but a little kindness can go a long way

This is a depressing thread. So many smug, patronising people sticking the boot into their "friends" who are apparently desperate to make themselves feel important.

It sounds like you don’t like this woman very much, and you find her constant communications overwhelming. Time to step back from her for your own sanity?

I couldn’t deal with that daily tbh, but honestly, I just wouldn’t be friends with her.

She is definitely threatened by you op, and engaging in competition. I have a friend like this that constantly tells me how much money she has spent/has. It’s very tedious. She’s finally stopped doing it after many years of me replying in a very boring way. Simply saying ‘cool!’ When she starts boasting and then nothing else. Therefore stopping the conversation dead. Try it with her.

Some of you don’t like your friends very much

I guess it’s all relative to each person’s circumstances. However I do understand it is frustrating!!

You’ve got a black cat - she’s got a panther…. We all know people like that. Ignore her. Don’t engage, if she asks why you haven’t responded tell her your busy.

I’ve made similar lifestyle choices to you. And I’m always bloody busy. My MIL is retired and often tells us about how busy her week is because she did two lots of washing, had to return some library books and is going away for the weekend and has to pack. I honestly think she’s oblivious to how busy and stressed we are but I don’t think she’s doing it to annoy me. She’s just a bit self absorbed. I smile and nod.

I’d draw the line at text from someone listing their chores for the day though. That’s unbelievably tedious. Ignore them.

Those do sound like boring and annoying texts. However why not just be nice , e.g..occasional message at end if day like 'yay us for smashing our busy days' etc. It's all relative, maybe she just wants to feel a bit of kinship as she knows you have a busy life.

@Oblomov21

Why do you find it insulting? You choose your job hours, your 2 dogs. Why is her busy'ness not as worthy as yours. Competitive business. I'm not busy, I choose to work part time, choose not pets, choose no hobbies. I sit at home a lot, MN'et, drink wine with friends. I choose not to be busy. It's my choice. Yours is yours, so why are you so resentful.

Amazing. 14 pages of comments and someone still can’t understood what the Op’s talking about. I do wonder how some manage in the real world.

I think you’re right Op. Shes probably a bit dense.

You can point out why it’s annoying without being rude though. Something like “ why are you always telling me how busy you are? Do you need help with something?”

The busiest people I know keep busy telling everyone how busy they are

Others just get on with it (yes they are mums with children in school)

The only people I know who tell others at length how busy they are tend to be very un-busy. I think deep down they know it, but want you to think their lives are filled with important things. Genuinely busy people just get on with it. You fitten up to work, so if you’re used to getting stuff done it seems easy whereas if you spend your day flapping around doing nothing much, it seems impossible to add anything else.