‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

I am also a teacher and I have noticed in the last few years that if someone say s " How's your day been "
If you reply with anything like "yeah nice, quite quiet actually" there will be a sarky reply like "lucky you" or " Got too much time on your hands"
etc etc

I even feel guilty typing that I sometimes have a nice quieter day - in case I get nagged on here!

I think the thing is, she seems to be overwhelmed. Her plate just isn't the same as yours, doesn't mean it doesn't feel over full to her.

People are competitively busy because they don't understand the inner workings of other people's lives

My boss' obscenely rich, privileged (not to mention, v lazy) wife does this.

I'll be up to my neck in deadlines, paperwork, and general stress and pressure, and she'll call for some pointless reason and will proceed to waffle on about how busy and important she is. I want to shout, 'well fuck off and be busy then'!

Her idea of a pressure-filled day is shopping at Selfridges, lunch with at Claridges, tennis at the Queen's Club and then dinner at Alain Ducasse. Sounds hellish, doesn't it

If it annoys you and gets you down DON’T. TEXT. BACK. Just ignore her, she’s not going to change and she’s never going to admit that you are actually a lot busier than she is, so just get on with you’re life and let her get on with her super busy one too.

I have a friend like this. He equates being busy to being valuable, so when you do get a chance to see him it's like you should be grateful because he's SO busy.

No I don't do this. If I have very busy day I'll text people to tell them why they haven't heard from me all day, I text DM every morning about the DSs going to school and me having breakfast in the Sainsbury's café because she worries if I don't text her once a day, but that's it.

To be honest this sounds like you just don’t like her and are using this as an excuse to

@GaiusHelenMohiam

I’m not sneery about the house thing fgs, her house isn’t even small. I just meant that she very much doesn’t need to be spending seven hours a day cleaning it like she makes out. She might enjoy doing it but it doesn’t ‘need’ to be done.

They are actually much better off financially than us due to lower mortgage, no childcare over the years etc. Nothing to do with sneery better off-ness. My job doesn’t actually pay that well despite the hours and responsibility but luckily I love it.

Some people would disagree. To them it is a 'need' Whether or not that's for validation or that it really matters that their house is clean and sorted. I know someone like that. They don't enjoy it at all but can't rest if it's not done.

Mute her

@GaiusHelenMohiam

Oh I’ve got an anecdote that illustrates her a bit. And yes I am really just having a moan now but I’m off to work in a minute so I’ll snap out if it.

When her DS was a baby, she was visiting. My eldest two were 4&5. It was Christmas time.

She went on a lengthy loud monologue about the importance of everyone making sure they didn’t spill the beans about Father Christmas to her DS until he was old enough, like 10 or 11, she’ll be really upset if he finds out Santa isn’t real while he’s still young.

She said this in front of my children.

Dh and her Dh kept trying to interrupt her and stop her but she carried on. I was young and hadn’t known her long and just sat there like a goldfish.

Moan away. She sounds horrendous! It's all about knowing your audience. My intelligent friends acknowledge that their "busyness" is busy for them and everyone has a different tolerance level. We are all very careful not to compare or compete with each other - at one end there's someone working 80 hours a week and at the other there's someone who is SAHM with two teenagers at school who leave on the school coach at 7.30am and walk in the door under their own steam at 5pm. I'm assuming she's your cousin or similar? Anyway, I think don't engage or just completely tune out these annoying texts so they don't even register.

Dh dislikes getting long texts, so he sends a subtle message to relatives whom he can't block by just replying to everything with a thumbs up signal and "Great!" or "Have a nice time!" It has worked.

Commitments are what you make them. You see everything she does as optional from getting up to going shopping. But she doesn't. Her attitude to all her 'tasks' is that they need to be completed.
I wonder if she focuses on how busy she is with everyone or just you. If you're someone who inadvertently has shown that you very much value being busy it's how you come across on this thread then it's natural that her chats with you default to being 'busy'. It seems to be what you value and understand. She's mirroring back.
But this isn't about her definition of busy. It's about you not liking her which is clear from your other comments. You don't need to like her. You don't need to compete with her over what busy looks like. If she's family that you don't want to upset then all you need to do is manage her.

@ufucoffee

I would definitely fire back with a 'omg I know exactly what you mean but think yourself lucky you don't have a job ha ha' then list what you're doing that day. If you do it please tell us what her response is OP

I second this 😊

I don't think you need to explain yourself op.

She is attention-seeking and happy to eat away at your headspace to make sure her life and her needs are forefront of everyone's minds.

Mute her, don't reply ever. If she asks why you don't reply, tell her you are too busy

fwiw, if I worked 50-60 hrs/week & did all OP described, I'd never post on MN

What a weird statement - even assuming you sleep 8 hours a night, it still leaves you over 50-60 free hours a week!

Whyyyy do you even bother replying? I assume it's someone on your DH's side given you said something earlier about not having known her for long. If this was my SIL, for example, I'd just not engage, and tell DB to tell her to back off messaging me.

She sounds self obsessed and irritating as fuck, and I wouldn't be giving her any headspace.

I work with someone a bit like this - we all do similar jobs so we know what each others days are like and hers will be similar to the rest of us, but on any team call she goes on and on about How Busy she is (if she's bothered to attend in the first place, because you know, BUSY), and then will announce loudly before the end of the call that she has to dial off because she has to go on another Very Important Client Call - what, like pretty much everyone else on this call?

I think it's some sort of deep seated self esteem / insecurity / look at me I'm so important / busy, my life is so stressful thing - normal well balanced people don't do this!

Just read all your posts, OP, & I'm reminded of a friend who was a SAHM while I worked full time (without kids). Every time we spoke, she'd ask me what I did for a living & treat it as inconsequential, saying she could never remember what my profession was - until I gave up work for a time & was also going to be at home all day. She then started her phone calls with, "How's business?".

She's been toast for years now.

Don't reply. (You are too busy)

@5128gap
Has nailed it in my opinion. The way OP goes on makes her relative feel judged for doing comparatively less.

This relative cares about OP’s opinion of her. I would be engineering a conversation with her in which it made it really clear that her life choices are valid in my view, and that there’s no need to get into competitive busyness. After all comparison is the enemy of joy.

I'm amazed by some people's energy levels..I've never worked 60 hours a week in my life. The thought of it is unfathomable...even if I didn't have kids, I just couldn't do it. I worked 35 hours a week pre dc and was absolutely shattered. I think I just be one of those low energy types

I totally get what you are saying one of my closest friends tells me how tired she is in the morning, and then lists me all the things she has to do that day. I feel its a real martyr thing and I don't play into it. Like you made your life choices. I made mine l.

You said you’re not complaining about your life OP

But bloody hell - if your life was my life… I’d be complaining. Sounds absolutely mad.

As for the relative, she feels inferior (can’t understand why, full time 14 hours shifts and then housework, three children, dinner…) and is bigging up her role. Simple as that.

You both send pretty unpleasant. Her perception of busyness is hers alone, it's not up to you to decide whether it's rational or not. As others have said, if you don't like the texts, just ignore them. Maybe work on your irritability and try to be a bit more gracious.

It's all relative. DM thinks she's had a busy day if she's left the house briefly, stacked the dishwasher and watched a tacky film on C5.

You are describing my sister.
She means well but is blissfully unaware of others lives sometimes. She thinks she is so busy (but has time to text and give us the list). Her way of showing empathy just comes across as her being competitive- she'll inevitably be the most tired, more busy etc. It's very frustrating. She would moan she was tired to someone who had just come off multiple night shifts!
There is also an element of insecurity and low self esteem so being busy is somehow proof of worth. If we ever call her on it she gets very defensive and upset so we've learnt not to/ignore it.

I ain't gonna lie, I'm not particularly busy at the moment