‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

@EmeraldShamrock

I don't think it is a dig at you, some people like listing their tasks it is more of a habit. My Dsis will ring for a chat then start listing her day. I do eye roll thinking I don't bloody care. We're all busy in our own way.

I have a friend who does this. I dread bumping into her after the weeked as she is incapable of edited highlights, so a polite enquiry about her weekend will result in a list of absolutely everything every single member of her family has done that weekend.

Just mute her
Forever

She’s being a tool OP and the daily updates would drive me potty.

Do you want to grey rock her?
“Oh lovely, have fun”
“Noted”
“Have a lovely day!” Responses?

Or

“Gosh that sounds bliss! Imagine all that AND a job! Not that I’ve got time to explain, too busy!!”

“Oh what a lovely day! Oh to have no work to do! Enjoy every minute”

Just send her ONE text saying “I’ve got rather a lot going on right now, so from dd/mm/yy, I’m only going to respond to texts on Saturdays. If you really do need to speak to me before then please call instead, but only between 19:00 and 20:00, as I will be unable to take personal calls except in this time”
Then sit back and watch the texts decline.

It's a shame we can't choose family. I'd choose not to be in a family with her.

She sounds lonely, actually.

She wants your attention. Probably has not got many other people to tell, and not very interesting things, busy or not. Sorry you're irritated by it.

People who are concerned about such trivia, are not obviously as busy as they like to appear.

I get you @GaiusHelenMohiam. My mum can be like this and it’s like - I don’t class myself as ‘busy’ and I have a full time job and three kids to juggle. She’s retired as is her partner, she literally can please herself all day yet was getting stressy about cleaning the bathroom?! She’s not elderly or infirm in any way btw!

Generally I tell her to cop on to herself and she dials it back a notch

Elevenerife!

I am always 'busy' and wondered how people like you could do what you do! But my daughter has been diagnosed as having Attention Deficient Disorder and it looks like I have it too. I am busy as I am always looking for things I have lost, get distracted (like now looking at mumsnet) and don't always feel I have the mental strength to tackle something things so put them off and always feel 'busy' as they are not done.

If you don’t like her texts just tell her or turn off notifications, why are you reading them? Don’t read and feel stressed about it, it doesn’t help you does it

She's busy. Her busy is not the same as your busy, so what?? It's not a competition.

This just all sounds very very strange. I’ve never met anyone who feels the need to text someone else every day, let alone mention things like housework. Is she well (psychologically or otherwise)? It’s just so odd.

If it really is how you describe it OP, why are you still engaging? I get it’s hard to block or ignore people if they are relatives. But why not just reply with, “ok” or “have a good day.” Something very bland and non-engaged that has no comeback. She will soon get bored texting if all she gets back is “ok.” Or just do what teens do and send a smile emoji? That’s boring. Or “gr8.” Just send the same absolute minimal response every time.

Why are you friends with her??? She sounds annoying and you don't like her anyway?

Get a new phone and don’t tell her your number!

I don't work as many hours as you but I still think I'm busy. Maybe she is busy? It's not a competition.

Generally speaking the less you have to do the more time it all takes you

It's called toxic busyness and it sounds like you both have it. I work in a profession where it is encouraged and I found my myself telling people how busy I was - The change came from me when someone asked me at work how I was and I said everything was 'manic' then I sat down and had a cup of tea, it was a quiet day and It wasn't manic at all.
I thought Covid had kind of knocked it on the head for a lot of people but I guess not

@crochetmonkey74

It's called toxic busyness and it sounds like you both have it. I work in a profession where it is encouraged and I found my myself telling people how busy I was - The change came from me when someone asked me at work how I was and I said everything was 'manic' then I sat down and had a cup of tea, it was a quiet day and It wasn't manic at all. I thought Covid had kind of knocked it on the head for a lot of people but I guess not

This! I never say I'm busy any more, even if I am quite.

It would irritate me, too, if I were in your position.

Can't you just bin her messages & cut down the contact you have with her? She sounds boring, for a start.

People like that are takers. I had one. I supported her emotionally & low-level financially, & the very first time I told her my health news (diagnosis of a lifelong & potentially dangerous condition) she ignored me & then replied that I should be grateful I wasn't in her position - nothing wrong with her at all. That was the eye-opener for me & we're no longer in contact.

She sounds a bit self absorbed/lacking empathy/clueless more than anything.

I agree though - it pretty much always the people who seem to have the least demanding lives who insist on letting you know how busy they are. I guess they've got the time to let you know. I try to find it amusing rather than irritating but I haven't come across someone so bad that they bombard me with texts about it - that is completely OTT!
A few stick out to me:

I'm a secondary school teacher and one day my school was closed whist my DCs primary school was open. YAY! Speaking to another parent at school pick-up who asked how I was - I commented that I had had a lovely day pottering about getting jobs done around the home (so yes, busy all day but lovely busy!). She immediately retorted how lucky I was and she wished she could have a day off like that and she never gets a break. She was a SAHM to two school-age children (and no, there were no other responsibilities she had whilst they were at school).

MIL told me once that I was lucky I worked because she had to clean the house so couldn't work. This wasn't a snide comment - it was genuine. We don't have a cleaner and my house isn't untidy or dirty as I quite enjoy cleaning to relax, our house is also a bit bigger than hers. Then there was the SAHM (older secondary school age children)in our friends group who was almost always late to everything due to being so, so busy. When asked what she'd been up to it was 'cooking dinner' or something that everyone else was doing too...Just bizarre.

I think being busy is seen as a virtue now and people (like me) who aren’t busy at all are seen as lazy or less important than busy people. Hence some insecure not-busy people try to pretend they are actually super busy to boost their self esteem.

treguffin

Odd isn't it? I was like Pavlov's dog- I was replying with things that had no meaning or bearing on my actual experience and I found myself letting it leak into my weekends too- I felt overwhelmed at the most normal of weekend chores. But there definitely is a societal pressure to be rushing and juggling.

I have a friend who stopped work years ago to be a housewife. But now has two kids. She literally posts every single thing she does every day. Even down to polishing her glasses. It's so self absorbed. I work 12 hour shifts and still do all of that.

@crochetmonkey74

treguffin

Odd isn't it? I was like Pavlov's dog- I was replying with things that had no meaning or bearing on my actual experience and I found myself letting it leak into my weekends too- I felt overwhelmed at the most normal of weekend chores. But there definitely is a societal pressure to be rushing and juggling.

Yes. I remember the first time I decided not to say 'busy!' when someone asked how I was. I said 'good actually, how are you?' she said 'busy! Are you busy!'

I said 'no not really' and there was an awkward pause