‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

I'm agog at this thread, so interesting the different attitudes and what seems to be the majority sniping at the OP. Because I am pretty much like the OP but for different reasons - I care full time for my teenage (youngest) DD and work 21 hours a week (normally turns out more). I have a useless and hopefully STBExH. I have two friends who have both been carers in the past and who both constantly tell me how busy they are with things they've made up to fill their time, hobbies, coffee mornings etc., they literally cannot cope with their busy social lives. One of the few things I do for myself is once a week to have around 3 hours out of the house (I am usually WFH) and if I ever suggest to these two friends that we have a coffee there's a lot of oo no not sure etc., it has to be squeezed in, booked 6 weeks in advance and then they are clock watching all the time as they have a nice lunch booked or want to buy a new dress or something.

So when I read the OP I thought yessss!! I definitely know exactly what you mean about people booking up loads of non-essential things or going to the supermarket to buy a loaf of bread and then listing it as a mountain of onerous chores they must heroically overcome. But then the backlash here is astounding. I don't have any answers but certainly food for thought - I always think my friends are being pretty insensitive to tell me how busy they are, but clearly they genuinely equate an hour browsing around M&S to being a 24/7 carer! (BTW I do have other friends who try hard to accommodate my limited "slots" to get out due to DD needing me, and we don't have to go through the busy busy dance then, so I don't think its just me!)

my mother does this to me and she's retired. I think she does it as a way of validating he sense of herself and her time as more important than me and my time. It always feels like a put down, but when I occasionally counter back with what I'm doing: full-time academic, doing up a house single-handed, single-parent to 2 older teenagers and a part-time PHD- I just feel mean. I guess it is her self-esteem issues. She did it less when my life imploded a few years ago and more now I'm becoming successful. I did try responding with affirmative responses about how lovely it is to be making jam or cushions but now she adds this to what she's telling me in a kind of self-satisfied way - 'oh I'm sorry you'd love to be making jam wouldn't you' kind of comments. However I respond, I come away from the interactions feeling like what I am doing or what I have achieved doesn't matter to her. I think that's why your relative does it OP - she's just desperate to let you to know that she isn't impressed and a bit jealous. Which probably means she is!

Not sure why you are receiving daily texts from this relative. I don't receive daily texts from anyone, not even my mother! Who does this??? How has this happened?

Anyway, I'd be tempted to counter with texts of how much relaxing free time you are enjoying, the lengthy massage and hair styling appointments you have booked, the flowers you are arranging, the weighty novel you have just bought and are looking forward to cracking open, and so on. But I can be petty and. mischievous, and rather enjoy poking the bear. I wouldn't get involved in a competitive business/fatigue exchange, (unless I were obviously taking the piss, in a sort of Monty Python 'you worr luck'eh! ' manner).

Busyness aside, this relationship sounds eye-wateringly dull. Aren't you ever tempted to reply "I honestly have no idea why you text me your to-do list every day but is there any chance you could stop? I don't find it something I need to know".

Well,she is very busy, spending her time texting crap on her phone everyday. all monotonous rubbish talk.. I wouldn't play her at her own game, as you would be dropping to her miniscule level of intelligence. I would just tell her to stop sending crap texts, as you don't wan't,or need, to hear about her very busy! and exhausting lifestyle..

Some people need to be told that they are annoying,and overstate everything.

@A580Hojas

Busyness aside, this relationship sounds eye-wateringly dull. Aren't you ever tempted to reply "I honestly have no idea why you text me your to-do list every day but is there any chance you could stop? I don't find it something I need to know".

Haven;t RTFT but this! not even my mom or my sister sends me such detailed texts and if they did, I would block them. Why are you entertaining a person you clearly do not like?

Your relative is looking for validation, so let her have it. It's not a contest.

I'd have a template text saying, "Wow, you do sound busy! That must be exhausting." And respond with that, every time. Set and forget.

Someone might be feeding her a diet of how frantically busy and amazingly successful your lives are, perhaps a mutual relative. You're too busy to bother with this, honestly.

She must be completely miserable. OP, I don't know why you're getting such a hard time because she sounds a complete pain in the arse. I find drama llamas like that so draining. Keep your distance is the only way of coping because she's never going to change.

It's your SIL, isn't it.
You don't have to respond and actually it makes no difference to my reply to you.

She possibly feels inadequate against you, and what you do. She might even be envious because your DH does so much to help and hers sounds like he doesn't.

She's playing up how busy she is because she's desperate to be "on par" with you, and maybe it's because of insecurity, or maybe it's for other reasons. Maybe she is just a general complainer, who does it for attention.

She's also obviously desperate for your attention! I can't get past the fact she texts you EVERY DAY to let you know how busy she is. Maybe it's a test - if you respond, then she knows you can't possibly be as busy as you say you are, or as she is, because you had time to text back!

I would actually ignore her texts, or set up a standard one click response that says "sorry can't talk, too busy". But do not engage with the texts or the content of them because there is no point. She will never acknowledge that her day isn't really that busy, nor that yours is much busier than hers.

I am not a busy person these days. I am pretty low energy at the best of times, but have worked hard in my life too - however, these days I do not. I do volunteer work at my DSs' schools because I do have the time. I marvel at people who work the hours you do, or who are constantly on the go with stuff because I know I simply Can Not Do It.

I have a great friend who is always busy - out several nights a week, out every weekend, had a diary at the age of 14 to keep track of who she was seeing when - she wore me out at that age, just thinking about how she dealt with it!

So if I wanted to put a kinder spin on your "relative", I would say maybe she is also a "low energy" person and truly believes that she is worn out by her not-really-by-most-people's-measure "busy" day - but who knows.

Some people are also incapable of thinking of anyone other than themselves - maybe she's one of them too. Only her, her interests, her immediate family and her time matter, and no one else.

Just say sounds good.... life for me has changed. I used to teach full time 40 miles away in each direction. I have lots of animals, house , business etc. Had my little lad - returned to work and did my 13 weeks. Life is busy as I run property rentals, husbands business and help care for my dad with cancer. The animals are a lifestyle choice and we love them. I struggle to get through everything and I’m a stay at home mum. Your doing a great job and keep going!

I was sort of with you (though I do feel you consider yourself superior) until you said this. This just seems a bit unpleasant.

She could literally stay in bed all day and it wouldn’t affect anyone else negatively.

Is this a relative through marriage? If so, probably still best to ignore. Ignore not in order to preserve the relationship, it's probably gone way beyond that as there are probably layers and layers of real or perceived insults on both sides. Ignore to preserve your own sanity and to stop yourself overthinking every text and interaction. Otherwise it will just escalate without any resolution and the situation may always be one of negativity.

Some people are just like this 🤷‍♀️ they can't have a conversation without one up man ship... You've got a headache? Well I've had a migraine for 6 weeks solidly!

On top of this some people just do struggle with time management.

I get a lot done in a day, it's just my nature...Just some element of pot luck how you've developed I think

It sound like someone you need less contact with - a bit of a drain and very self absorbed.

Either don't respond to texts or have set phrases you trot out and work on giving them less head space - basically puch back on the contact amount so less opportunity for digs and/ or irritation.

Just because she doesn’t do the same as you doesn’t mean she isn’t “busy” I’m a SAHM with 2 young children,my husband works all the time and is hardly home,which is why I stay at home to look after our children, I have no family close or anyone to help. Every single thing house wise is on me, cooking cleaning, dropping kids to school picking them up,washing all of it along with studying. I am busy every day and I do get so stressed because it’s hard work. Just because I don’t have the “career” as well doesn’t not mean I’m not busy nor stressed. Everyone has different lives and it doesn’t mean people who have different lives to you can’t be busy or stressed about things.

She sounds incredibly dull. Can you ask her to stop texting you her daily 'to do lists?'. She's clearly not very busy but whether she is or not she doesn't have to inflict it on everyone else. I suspect she has low self esteem and does this to validate herself.

I would probably ignore the texts half the time, then reply with something bland, and delete the conversation regularly so that it's gone out of your head.
I have a very self absorbed sibling who tells me and everyone else, in tedious detail, everything about her work. She can't really engage in any other conversation. If I reply, for example, that I am worried that my job is about to disappear, and I might be facing redundancy, she won't reply. But I am meant to be enthralled with everything about her. Yawn.

I've read this exact thread before. I think even down to the thread title?

Yes this struck me too. Slightly different wording, but identical complaint.

There isn't a standard measuring point for how busy someone is. If they feel incredibly busy then they are. Why does anyone need to compare or compete??

If the messages annoy you, stop engaging with her.

I ditched a 'constantly busy' friend as I'd text her and would get a reply after a couple of days saying she was sorry for not replying but she was 'so busy' and would reply to me soon. Getting dates for meet ups was ridiculous: 'I can fit you in in two months' time on a Tuesday morning at 8.47am for 23 minutes'

OP I think some ppl have misunderstood you- my SIL does this on Facebook and I also find it odd. Daily posts about how she was up at 5am again and she’ll be in bed by 9 exhausted from changing the sheets and washing the rugs and walking the dogs etc- at the weekend it’s all housework and in the week it’s work related.

She’s from quite a conservative gendered background and I think some of it is competitive cleanliness with some other women?

I’m also busy with diff stuff (and a slob!) I wouldn’t put my housework on Fb even when I do it as it’s not particularly interesting...

Maybe she's not on top of things and feels the need to feel productive which helps her feel more secure, and listing out what she's done, especially to someone she looks up to in terms of having their shit together?

I have no idea though. I'm not on top of life at all, I have 3 young DC and I feel constantly on the back foot with just every day life, housework, with the kids coming first I struggle with everything else, I;ve even just deferred my distance learning because of how much I'm struggling.. I never talk about it though, so I can't relate if that is what she is doing.

One similarity I can draw upon though is I do constantly talk to my DP about different weight loss methods when I'm not dieting, and I barely mention it when I'm actually getting on and doing it. So it could be something like that. But that's the thing isn't it? It could also not be that at all. Nobody but her knows.

What if you just go back to every 'status report' with "that's nice, enjoy :-)"

She's not treating you with any consideration, why give her any?

Also, turn her into your own personal soap opera. Look forward every day to finding out what tiny thing she's going to blow up into a massive problem tomorrow morning. Picture her typing the text with curlers in and a fag on like Dot Cotton.

Make up a bingo card of things she'll dig at you about today - will it be your kids' achievements? Your work? Your study? How tired is she today?

It's not your problem, reframe it into your entertainment and it loses the sting.

We are all busy, some more than others. No point comparing your life to others. Just because you seem insanely busy, doesn't mean her life isn't busy just because she's a stay at home parent.

I'm a sahp. Both my children have sen so often have meetings, appointments etc to think about, a Dp who works long hours in workplace, this week I have a funeral to travel to this weekc as well normal day to day things. I'm bleddy exhausted as Ds doesn't sleep well. Running errands for an elderly relative as well.

I would get annoyed with the texts so YANBU about that but I feel you feel you are somehow feeling like you are above her because you work and she doesn't? It's not a competition. We all have different situations!

Maybe she's feeling insecure. I often feel like I'm being judged for being a sahp, so I feel like I have to keep myself busy when I can, to prove I'm not just being lazy, but sometimes I don't bleddy stop!!

Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend sounds like a pleasant ordinary day -- a bit of work followed by a nice relaxing treat. If the rest of the day is free, or other ordinary everyday stuff that most of us do, I would call it a pretty easy life.

But OP, I wouldn't let it get to you. Whether she means to annoy you or is just oblivious, does it really matter? She's a bit dim if she thinks her Mum's sciatica somehow helps you cope with your aunt's stroke. Or else she just doesn't care.

Don't let it get you down, OP. In your position, I would definitely get a cleaner so you and DH have a bit more time to yourselves! And I hope your aunt makes a full recovery.