Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm wealthy - I tend to post stuff as available for free, because I am decluttering and the stuff goes quicker (and not into landfill), and because I don't need the money. Having read some of the attitudes on here, I think I'll start charging a price like everyone else

@ginghamstarfish

Maybe put out a notice asking if people could list stuff in the evening or at weekend so as to give a chance to those at work?

That’s a good idea.

@sunflowerstory

What's your preferred system? Lowest payslip first? Smallest square footage calls shotgun? FB vote for saddest X-Factor sob story?

It's free tat someone is clearing out of their house, nice if you get it, but there's no need to design a democracy around it.

Amen to this!

@TimeForTeaAndG it's actually a really lovely group, policed well.
It is down to the donor to decide who gets an item - it isn't all down to need. Sometimes people ask a question such as what is your favourite film and they will choose that way.
I had some sensory toys which were pretty expensive new, I could have sold them on but asked if any other parents of ASD children wanted them and asked that they just pass them on too.
On other sites I am on it very much seems the same few people get all the things.

I also think ask posts are fine too. Often I will have something I can't be bothered to list (because of time wasters) but when I see someone asking I will get in touch.

@MLMshouldbeillegal

Everyone should be embracing second hand. Whatever their income level. We are not on the breadline, I am more than happy to choose second hand where possible and most of my wardrobe is from charity shops.

It's like those threads about charity shops where people bemoan the prices because they should be cheap "for the poor people".

Also agree on the Sure Start centres, when DS was small I used to take him to an art / play session at a Sure Start centre which was brilliant, but it was wall to wall middle class mums - the whole idea of the session was to support the development of children from deprived backgrounds but those parents wouldn't be seen dead at a craft session at Sure Start.

I’ve actually volunteered in a charity shop and saw what an important asset it was to people from deprived communities. People would buy their bed linen their for example.

I wouldn’t personally donate my second hand stuff to somewhere expensive like Oxfam for that reason. Charity shops serve a duel purpose and need to be sensitive to this.

The way people talk about ‘the poor’ is telling.

If the poor are walking around in your cast off Boden or whatever then how do you know where they would be caught dead?!

I had a conversation about this with DH the other day. If ‘the poor’ were all walking around in rags instead of things off of FBMP or the church jumble or charity shops i.e. easily identifiable then maybe people would start to notice what a mess this country is in.

@Housepartyatjustinshouse

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums. We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of. Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first. They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry. It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could? I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas. Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with you@Housepartyatjustinshouse - in my local area we have a facebook gifting group where people give things away for free, previously I used to use freecycle. I give things away or sell for £1 to ensure people turn up. Over the years I've met a couple of other mums who I know would appreciate first dibs so now just message them direct before listing - but I only know their circumstances after delivering items to them. I prefer polite people and offer to deliver bulky items to people who don't drive - I am not in a city so here people who don't drive often it's because they cannot afford to run a car.

My local gifting group asks that people list the item for 24 hours and then decide who to give it to - I think freecycle doe this too. I'd suggest you make a post requesting this and say - not everyone is able to be online all the time.

I'd suggest you message the admin of the group with a suitably worded post about fairness to people who can't respond immediately and ask them to post it as a reminder.

I buy a lot of items second hand for DD - in charity shops, facebook market place, but I don't take free items because I grew up poor and I know others need it more.

It is my experience that the mums in million pound houses give nothing away - they don't work - and while their children are at school they are busy ebaying items they bought for pennies becuase they have the time to scour FB/ ebay/ charity shops.. - and know some who volunteer to get donations to resell - they see that as their job. To me it tells me all I need to know about someone and I think less of them for that behaviour...

I agree that it doesn't sound fair. You don't know when something will be posted, so you can't get a in first. How annoying that your children would have loved a job lot but didn't get the chance.

I feel this is a principle point and I'd feel like speaking to a mum who might feel the same and then posting:

' Hi all, it's a lovely thing to give away toys to those who can use them, and can I suggest that if anyone is a bit short of money, they put themselves down as a priority-please.

I know it seems odd, but, you know if you can't afford a lot of new stuff for the kids, it's great to be able to get it donated'.

Or, if you meet, say something like this.

I'd hope the mum who got it might give it to you.

I guess these groups are about helping rather than providing a stash of rubbish for some clever person to snap up and sell on eBay. Maybe the well-off mums see it as something nobody wants to be recycled and sold by them.

@dreamingbohemian

Have you listened to the news lately?

Yes, in fact I'm right now writing a lecture on environmental security. That's how I know that we're not going to stay below 2 degrees warming because Sally snapped up some second-hand clothes that Mary would have really benefited from.

I am massively terrified about what our future holds but we cannot lose sight of our fellow human beings in the process.

So as someone writing an essay on environmental security you advocate for wealthy people to buy brand new clothes and toys for their children contributing to factories output in China, environmental pollution, clothing masses in Chile instead of using or buying secondhand. Wow.

www.google.ie/amp/s/amp.scmp.com/news/world/americas/article/3155231/made-china-dumped-chile-where-worlds-fast-fashion-leftovers-go

www.greenmatters.com/p/environmental-impact-plastic-toys

I know quite a few well off mums and they have long pockets and short arms. My WC friends are much more generous and willing to share and give things away.

That is how rich people stay rich

They are often very money-conscious in terms of looking wealthy for as little money as possible. So big house, expensive car, but everything else is tightly budgeted.

Most people who post are just trying to declutter their homes and keep stuff out a landfill with minimal inconvenience to themselves. If they cared about it going to someone who couldn't afford to buy it, they could have boxed it all up and given it to a charity instead. With that in mind, I can't think of any alternative that would be workable or fair here.

@KimmyKimdoo

I think YABU. You’re no more entitled than anyone else to this stuff. If you want these people to donate things specifically to you, you’ll have to ask them to consider you first by putting a message in the group and saying what you’re after. If not, it’s perfectly reasonable to be offering things for free on a first come first served basis. This isn’t about you, life is unfair and you don’t know their personal financial situations.

Well yeah but in the way if you went for a tenner on the floor at the same time as a homeless person & got to it first, it would be ‘fairs fair’. But it would also make you a shitty person.

@WillyWollyWandy

I fall under the wealthy mum categories and I often take free things if it’s something I’ve been meaning to get especially as i would prefer to buy or take something locally rather than use Amazon. Less so these days but certainly when the DC were very small. By the same token I give a lot away on the local free cycle pages, basically everything the DC no longer need in terms of clothes and toys and as I have a car and am happy to deliver, it’s opened my eyes to some of the sad situations the people that I’ve donated to are in. Interesting comment about the Sure Start centres; I did a baby massage course in a community centre in the middle of a high rise tower block estate not too far from me. It’s quite notorious locally for gang activity and crime. None of their target audience ie local mums from the flats went to the class. The woman running the centre told me that they tried their hardest to reach the mums including running Somali playgroups but they didn’t get much traction. It’s all shut down now and I have no idea if it was due to lack of funding or lack of interest from the local community. Thought it was sad.

@WillyWollyWandy -like you, I put in my listing that I'm happy to deliver items locally - it really does help get the items go to someone who would benefit

@sunflowerstory

What's your preferred system? Lowest payslip first? Smallest square footage calls shotgun? FB vote for saddest X-Factor sob story?

It's free tat someone is clearing out of their house, nice if you get it, but there's no need to design a democracy around it.

The current attitude of needing to differentiate between the deserving and undeserving ‘poor’ based on something you read about benefits cheats in The News of the World before it packed in is beyond Dickensian.

You could be poor tomorrow. You are one bereavement, one job loss, one illness away from being ‘poor’ and when you get there THEN you can judge the value of someone else’s tat.

Maybe the well-off mums see it as something nobody wants to be recycled and sold by them.

Maybe. Or maybe these are just mum's who saw something that their dc would like to play with and put their names forward.

OP could see if there was any interest in setting a pm posting time (but that could exclude mum's who work shifts.)

I used to give some of my well off friends my DCs things but I don’t now. There are people who are really struggling so I now put all their clothes in the Salvation Army collection areas.

tbh there is so much for sale on market place for very good prices, that im sure there is enough to go around.

I am comfortable, not "rich" by any means, however....

I would not get stuff for free if it was meant to go to families in real need
I would happily buy second-hand online or from a charity shop. Charity shop especially, money goes to charity and it's better for the environment.

Please don't judge people on appearances. You don't always know what's going on behind the scenes.

I gave away a pair of school shoes last year. They had hardly been worn due to lockdown and where practically new.

A lady asked for them immediately and said she would be there within the hour.

Half an hour later a very expensive car pulled up. The woman came to the door and was nearly crying, her husband had walked out a few months before, he was refusing to pay maintenance and her five year old had just had a growth spurt. She was just so grateful.

You don't know what's going on with people. Big houses and fancy cars don't always mean money

@home2012

Please don't judge people on appearances. You don't always know what's going on behind the scenes. I gave away a pair of school shoes last year. They had hardly been worn due to lockdown and where practically new.

A lady asked for them immediately and said she would be there within the hour.

Half an hour later a very expensive car pulled up. The woman came to the door and was nearly crying, her husband had walked out a few months before, he was refusing to pay maintenance and her five year old had just had a growth spurt. She was just so grateful.

You don't know what's going on with people. Big houses and fancy cars don't always mean money

So sell the fancy car? Am I missing something?

Yep it's the same where I live. I ask for money now which I donate to food bank as I'm sick of rich people taking stuff for free

The car was probably leased or in husbands name/ or his company name

I now give items (non bulky) to refugee charities and women's refuges - always worth putting a post up on facebook to ask for anyone who has contacts at such charities to donate - it does make a difference especially if you can deliver/ hang on to items until they are the appropriate season

@Thatsthewaytis surly the wealthy person can afford to buy something sustainably sourced, good quality, and durable. If the struggling person can’t reuse the second hand items then they will have to buy the stuff from China as it will be all they can afford.

I presume that is roughly what the person writing the lecture on environmental sustainability is getting at. But you know better

[quote Housepartyatjustinshouse]@Thatsthewaytis !!!! Are you serious?! What a nasty comment, I can provide for my child obviously, but work my arse off to get everything I can,
People have different situations in life, different upbringing, different opportunities
What a nasty comment 🥲[/quote]
It was a horrendous comment, take no notice XxX