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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

622 replies

Housepartyatjustinshouse · 09/11/2021 17:28

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
cass5 · 09/11/2021 20:10

@Rugsofhonour

Same where I live. The rich SAHMs are always first to read the messages because they’re not at work.

Interestingly the wealthier people also seem to post stuff for sale rather than for free.

i have observed the same... usually people quite well off seem to be the first with their hands up to get freebies... I do find it laughable, but maybe that is how you get rich in the first place ;)
Orchid876 · 09/11/2021 20:11

YANBU, it is incredibly frustrating and it's not hard to see how SAHMs have an advantage in this kind of thing, when working parents might have more of a need. I'm a member of a few of these types of group, and in them it would be perfectly acceptable to ask for items as well as offer. I'd 💯 put a post up requesting items, and explain why you often miss posts offering items. You'll probably find that you get plenty of offers of items, as people know you won't mess them about and are keen.

Thecurliestwurly · 09/11/2021 20:12

@Housepartyatjustinshouse

I generally can’t get in there first as I work, they’re at home and comment on the posts straightaway. A lot of it is for environmental reasons, which I get, but when lots of us that genuinely can’t afford many toys get left until the end, it’s hard
We working parents get the short straw unfortunately. Miss out on groups, play dates, forging mum friendships and free stuff (never noticed this myself as not on FB). It's the way of this country unfortunately, the working mums get the crappy end of everything and are often not that better off financially for it either.

I have given stuff away for free on Gumtree before. You just have to be willing to collect. I have taken note of what you have said though and will be sure to post in the evenings/weekend in future.

rwalker · 09/11/2021 20:12

So What does OP suggest to get round this .
We're comfortable does that mean I'm not allowed to buy anything secondhand .

AlbaAlba · 09/11/2021 20:12

Re: richer mums selling things and charging a small amount - that's often to get rid of time wasters. We find that when we offer things for free we get messed around so much by person after person not bothering to collect and wasting our scant amount of free time. Bizarrely, charge a small amount and people turn up. It's similar with events I organise at work - offer them free and you get poor attendance, charge on the door and you're overwhelmed. People value it more when they pay, it seems.

As for richer mums bagging the good stuff, I think it's hard to police, and for people who are really removed from the real lives of ordinary people, it may not even occur to them that they are taking things that others actually need. Our circle is well off and everyone loves a good bargain, partly for environmental reasons, and to avoid waste, partly for the joy of saving money. I do try to be aware of the issues you've raised and give others a chance, but I volunteer with disadvantaged teenagers so am more aware than many of my group generally. I'd advise putting an add or request up on the group, for certain items, most people I know would try to help.

Sure Start - I went to a baby massage course and the yummy mummies (2 of the class) had to pay and everyone else (10) attended for free. I'm a middle class parent in a well off town, and the demographic of the Sure Start massage class was noticeably different from the baby yoga, sing and sign etc I normally went to on the better off side of town.

user64323 · 09/11/2021 20:16

I think you are missing the point a bit although I can see why you feel that way. The main purpose of giving things away for free often isn't to help someone out financially, it's to save it from going to landfill. I think this attitude that accepting pre-loved things is only for those that can't afford new is very wrong.

However, if you put up a post saying you are financially struggling and would really appreciate dibs if anyone is having a pre-christmas toy clear out, I bet those same people would be more than happy to offer things to you.

UnitedRoad · 09/11/2021 20:17

Personally I love ‘wanted’ posts. They remind me that I might have things I don’t need. I’ve got two daughters who are like boomerangs moving out and moving back leaving too much stuff, so if someone wanted a kettle or a microwave or an ironing board, I’d have a look, ask the kids and then give it away. I don’t venture into their rooms unless I have to.

saraclara · 09/11/2021 20:17

To be honest, I'd never given this a thought before I read the OP. I' a retired Grandma, and often buy things from FB local groups for my DGD. I'm lucky to be available to ask for things as they come up. But yes, it might be at the cost of those who need it more but aren't in a position to message.

I've had a big sort out and purge of stuff that I've been putting up on Freecycle and local selling/giving away pages. I'm going to endeavour to put them up either in the evening or the weekend, now.

claretblue79 · 09/11/2021 20:19

Maybe going off at a tangent here but I took my son to Surestart centres and then volunteered with them when he went to school. They are brilliant resources who supported people without discrimination. They were for everyone and have now being drastically scaled back where I live and it greatly saddens me. Don’t make the mistake of thinking just because someone goes there from a less deprived area that they and their children don’t need support too. Far too little attention has been focused on their closures and that’s a real shame.

peaceatlastnot · 09/11/2021 20:21

What paper did you read about the sure start centres in? They did not close because of yummy mummies! They closed because of the the conservative government and now they’re spending millions on opening up similar centres to the ones they closed down years ago

peaceatlastnot · 09/11/2021 20:21

Sorry-I know I’m going off topic!

saraclara · 09/11/2021 20:21

The main purpose of giving things away for free often isn't to help someone out financially, it's to save it from going to landfill.

For me it's both. I'd far rather that something I give away is a real bonus for someone who really needs it.

Yesterday someone came to pick up a really decent chest of drawers that I put on freecycle. He turned up in a really smart estate car, and gave off the whiff of dealer. He certainly didn't appear to be someone who really needed a free chest of drawers.
Not long after he left, someone messaged me who was in a position where they really needed it. And I really wished that I could have given it to her.

Yes, I needed it out of the way, but it would have been so much nicer to think that I could have taken a bit of pressure off someone who really couldn't afford new furniture.

MrsKeats · 09/11/2021 20:23

Poorer people tend to be more charitable.
Lots of studies on this.
YANBU op. Selfishness.

RichTeaCheddars · 09/11/2021 20:24

YABU
Not all SAHM are rich. Some have just enough to make it work. And part of that making it work is getting things free/cheaper from local pages or from 2nd hand shops

DaisyandSimeon · 09/11/2021 20:24

We have a village freecycle group so I understand what you mean. What does work is to ask if anyone has something fairly specific...superhero costumes, age 5, emergency vehicles for using on a road rug etc. That way you are the one who gets things. obviously you have to offer stuff too.

Glassofshloer · 09/11/2021 20:26

@MrsKeats

Poorer people tend to be more charitable. Lots of studies on this. YANBU op. Selfishness.
Quite. It figures though you wouldn’t get rich if you gave all your money away! Eye of a needle and all that.
JustLyra · 09/11/2021 20:28

One of the groups I’m part of, it’s second hand school uniform, all the new stuff available posts are put on in the evening.

It’s still not accessible to everyone as it could be bedtime and anyone who uses the internet in the library or the likes can’t, but we find it does reach a broader group of people.

nubbie · 09/11/2021 20:28

Just because someone seems rich, doesn't mean they are. Maybe they've bitten off more than they can chew by living in that big house and driving that nice car and now need to save on other stuff.

I'm not saying to feel sorry for bad financial planning or anything, but things aren't always as they seem from the outside.

JetRocket · 09/11/2021 20:30

I was just talking about this with a group of mums at play group. It’s becoming so ‘trendy’ in our area to get everything second hand and all the middle class and wealthy mums are jumping on it. They’re always the first to see and respond to posts and they love to brag about how eco friendly they’re being but it’s REALLY hurting the lower income families in our local area.

I don’t get stuff second hand for this exact reason, I think people who can afford to buy stuff new should and then pass it on to those who can’t xx

SteppedOnBloodyLego · 09/11/2021 20:32

FlyingWhistle
I'm a SAHM and we live comfortably, I get lots of secondhand items and I don't see it as depriving others

Yes you are depriving others 🤦‍♀️

MrsKeats · 09/11/2021 20:34

Here's the thing. We are fairly well off by standards on here.
We didn't start off like this though.
The problem isn't being rich or not rich,
It's being selfish/entitled whatever you have.

Glassofshloer · 09/11/2021 20:35

I don’t think any SAHMs can plead poverty if I’m honest. Not once their kids are 3 and over anyway, unless there’s something at play such as disability etc.

Hardbackwriter · 09/11/2021 20:35

I don't understand quite how you expect it should work OP - that rich mums offer things and poor ones take them? Would that really be a comfortable dynamic? Would people post in the group saying 'obviously this is only for people who can't afford a new one' and then people would announce publicly whether or not they could? Are you sure that you are the most impoverished person in the group? If not, surely you can't have the thing either until the people who have less than you have had first refusal?

DiscoGlitterBall · 09/11/2021 20:37

Not read the whole thread (sorey) but we see time and time again women (generally) in seemingly perfect lives and able to stay at home, but the reality is that they don’t have access to money or have to scrimp and save even though from the outside they look like they are rolling in it.

Don’t be so quick to judge. If there were a hierarchy then those who truly have nothing would be entitled first…

Glassofshloer · 09/11/2021 20:38

@Hardbackwriter

I don't understand quite how you expect it should work OP - that rich mums offer things and poor ones take them? Would that really be a comfortable dynamic? Would people post in the group saying 'obviously this is only for people who can't afford a new one' and then people would announce publicly whether or not they could? Are you sure that you are the most impoverished person in the group? If not, surely you can't have the thing either until the people who have less than you have had first refusal?
I don’t think you have understood OP’s point. She’s not saying there should be rules per se, just that it’s disappointing not to see a bit more human decency (is that right OP?)

When I was a kid, hampers would be sold to raise money for the school & it was donation only

The richest family stuck £2 in the box and took the biggest hamper that had wine and luxury foods in etc

Always the way.