Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU I will never forget my sister gave me a binbag full of really nice boy's clothing and told me to offer it round my friends with boys. She wasn't selling...she was just being nice. I had two friends with boys of the right age (2-3) and the first one I saw...very well off ....two houses, husband who worked for a big bank..."Big Job" type of thing.
I showed her the bag and said "Take what you want and anything you leave, I can offer to X" She looked through the bag and said "I'll take it all"

I was Maybe I'm too nice but I'd have taken half or less and left the rest for the other Mother!

Well thats how rich people stay rich believe it or not.

@Housepartyatjustinshouse check out Fair Offer Policy and incorporate it in your group of mums.

Good luck.

Just remember that the people who could really benefit from a free piece of furniture, likely won't have the means to collect. The ones who can, may (not saying will, obviously) just sell it straight on

But you didn't read what I said. I posted that our only concern was wanting the chest of drawers out of the garage. It was too good to tip. Our local charity shops don't take larger items of furniture. So stick it on Gumtree and it's gone in 24 hours. Job done.

I had zero interest in making sure the chest of drawers went to a "worthy cause". It was 20 odd years old and had served us well. Maybe the person who collected did sell it but I don't care. I had neither the time nor the inclination to do that, and just wanted to clear the space.

This idea that charity shops and second hand should be for "the poor people" came up a few weeks ago. A few of us who do actually volunteer in charity shops queried how this would work in practice - interviewing customers? Asking for proof of income? It's a ridiculous idea.

@RobynNora

YABU - rah rah types normalising second hand stuff is really good news for the environment.

Also, if it becomes normal for kids from wealthier backgrounds to wear hand me down clothes, poorer kids will face less judgement for doing the same

I wouldn't describe the people round here as "rah rah types" but it's certainly a very middle class, affluent area. When my kids were smaller and growing like weeds there was a roaring trade in hand me downs being passed around at the school gate. Everyone did it. The kids would regularly go to parties and see a little sister wearing "their dress" or another kid in "their jacket" at the park. I was given a Boden rugby shirt for my son when he was about 3, I passed it on to a friend whose two boys wore it, then it came back to me for my second boy, then it was passed on again to another friend.

Kids from wealthier backgrounds have always worn cast offs. In my experience it's the families who are desperate not to be classed as poor who shun hand me downs and second hand. Like my niece who lives in fear of being branded "a pov" and won't even drop her old clothes off at a charity shop in case someone sees her going in.

I see this with an acquaintance. Very comfortable and whenever she posts her mum and sister do also to treble her chances. I know she doesn't need free stuff. With clothes now I tend to message someone I know would benefit and if I had toys to give away I'd do the same

Whenever I put things in Freecycle, I know the people who reply to every post. I wait for hours until I have a good selection of replies, then I choose who I want to have the items. I judge by their politeness, and what they say...

Yes I noticed this around my way. The local hall used to hold a second hand kids clothes fair lasting 2 or 3 days starting on a Thursday morning. Really good quality stuff and often obscure bright Scandinavian designer clothes and lovely toys.

The wealthiest mums stripped the place bare on the first morning of the sale. They were perfectly entitled to do that but it was always a bit disappointing trudging home from work to find practically nothing left then the following weekend their kids all running around in cool and obscure bright Scandi clothes.

@dreamingbohemian

OP I totally agree with you. I'm sorry you're getting some nasty comments here.

I suspect most of the people saying you're unreasonable are also the type of people who say rich people work hard for their money and anyway 100K/year doesn't actually make you rich.

Lol lots of rich people do work hard for their money & yes, depending on your outgoings and especially if a one income family with relatives depending on you, 100k wouldn't go far!!

A lot of these environmental posts are mixing up two different issues

Should we all try to use more secondhand things? Yes absolutely!

But that's not what the OP is about. The OP is clearly in favour of secondhand. The question is, if free things are made available to a group, should the more well off try to claim them all, when they know there are less well off people who might need them more?

I would say no. Well off people can afford sustainable alternatives, and also it's just being decent not to grab everything you can.

@dreamingbohemian That’s exactly it!

[quote Housepartyatjustinshouse]@dreamingbohemian That’s exactly it![/quote]

I really do agree with you. My son's school offers free secondhand uniform, there seems to be an unspoken agreement not to take them unless you're on FSM at least. It's just common sense.

@dreamingbohemian

A lot of these environmental posts are mixing up two different issues

Should we all try to use more secondhand things? Yes absolutely!

But that's not what the OP is about. The OP is clearly in favour of secondhand. The question is, if free things are made available to a group, should the more well off try to claim them all, when they know there are less well off people who might need them more?

I would say no. Well off people can afford sustainable alternatives, and also it's just being decent not to grab everything you can.

How do they know who is well off and who isn't? Unless people produce bank statements, judging by a car (could be on finance), or big house (indicates lots of debt) or job (little visibility on how much people earn realistically & what their outgoings are).

Find OP herself v entitled as how does she know there aren't others in need more than her??

Also ridiculous to suggest SAHMs are wealthy. Many don't work as their salaries don't cover childcare, so chances are many working women will be better off overall.

The OP says she actually knows these women, she is not making assumptions

I agree that not all Sahms are wealthy!

@daffodils123 I know them very well, have visited their homes etc, they are very wealthy. They are nice people, just this aspect that I find a bit off. There are other friends who need too, which is why I wouldn’t jump on every post either or I'd offer to split things/share them round a bit.

Yes, you are being unreasonable!

My family are in a £1m house now, but we got there by living below our means for 15 years, saving 50% of our incomes and not wasting money.

You may not believe me, but even now we order tap water at restaurants (or maybe buy 1 soft drink each).

Some people who you think of as rich, only got there by being frugal.

YABU
They're entitled to bargains just as much as you are, and you're making an awful lot of assumptions about them just because of the size of their houses.
Unless you know them well, you'll have no idea of how much money they do or don't have as it's not really any of your business.

@JennyDune

Yes, you are being unreasonable!

My family are in a £1m house now, but we got there by living below our means for 15 years, saving 50% of our incomes and not wasting money.

You may not believe me, but even now we order tap water at restaurants (or maybe buy 1 soft drink each).

Some people who you think of as rich, only got there by being frugal.

So you basically rip people off to live in a massive house.

@JennyDune

Yes, you are being unreasonable!

My family are in a £1m house now, but we got there by living below our means for 15 years, saving 50% of our incomes and not wasting money.

You may not believe me, but even now we order tap water at restaurants (or maybe buy 1 soft drink each).

Some people who you think of as rich, only got there by being frugal.

@JennyDune in your shouldn’t accept freebies. I’m in a similar situation but wouldn’t have the brass neck to order only tap water in a restaurant. I’ve also gratefully accepted school uniform specifically offered from friends and always passed it on. If you’ve sharp elbowed others out of the way you should be ashamed. It’s not savvy, it’s cheap.

A jumperoo is exactly the sort of item it would be odd for anyone (however much money they have) to buy new if they can get second-hand, since it's a huge lump of metal and plastic used for a few months max. Amongst my friends, there are several jumperoos which seem to be passed around, including amongst parents who are quite well-off. You use it and then pass it on to someone else.

Ordering tap water in a restaurant is yuck. You’ve gone out for a meal & to be waited on, but don’t want to pay a few quid for a nice drink?! You would rather cling on to it rather than contributing to what could be a small local business? Like I said, yuck.

No one has been ripped off or elbowed...?

To clarify my point. We have had to make a lot of sacrifices to get a big house, because we are not rich/high income. And cannot afford the same lifestyles that many others might assume.

(And definitely dont live the same lifestyle of disposable spending as some people in smaller houses. Ive visited some relatives whose cars are bigger than their living room!)

@JennyDune

Yes, you are being unreasonable!

My family are in a £1m house now, but we got there by living below our means for 15 years, saving 50% of our incomes and not wasting money.

You may not believe me, but even now we order tap water at restaurants (or maybe buy 1 soft drink each).

Some people who you think of as rich, only got there by being frugal.

Pull the other one. DH and I have always saved 70% of our income and even with our top 10% salaries we wouldn’t be able to afford a 1m house. Your family benefited from the property boom or an inheritance but you aren’t strong enough to admit it for some reason.

@Glassofshloer

Ordering tap water in a restaurant is yuck. You’ve gone out for a meal & to be waited on, but don’t want to pay a few quid for a nice drink?! You would rather cling on to it rather than contributing to what could be a small local business? Like I said, yuck.

Tbh, now that we've recent moved into our house we do usually order 1 drink each. It was mostly before we moved/were saving up that we didnt.

But eitherway, personally, I think its frugal if you dont want to waste money on drinks. Not tipping on the other hand, would be poor form (assuming you get good service).

@FortunesFave

YANBU I will never forget my sister gave me a binbag full of really nice boy's clothing and told me to offer it round my friends with boys. She wasn't selling...she was just being nice. I had two friends with boys of the right age (2-3) and the first one I saw...very well off ....two houses, husband who worked for a big bank..."Big Job" type of thing. I showed her the bag and said "Take what you want and anything you leave, I can offer to X" She looked through the bag and said "I'll take it all"

I was Maybe I'm too nice but I'd have taken half or less and left the rest for the other Mother!

You could have been a bit more specific here. If what you meant was "I'd like half of these to go to OtherMum, but you can pick your half first," you should have said that. If someone who knew my income offered me free stuff, it would never occur to me that they would think my income was a reason I shouldn't accept what was offered.