Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are there any different groups you could join? I belong to one which is strictly moderated and people have to ask politely otherwise their comments are deleted.

It really helps getting rid of those people who say 'I'll have it' or 'mine' on FB marketplace or free cycle.

@Siameasy yes I agree. we buy most stuff second hand and most of the time it's from people who are less well off but bought it new. the best second hand prams in particular often come from less well off areas. we got a barely used travel system minus the car seat but worth over £1k for £160.

Sorry, to clarify, this isn’t a bash at Sahm, the discussion seems to have veered off in that direction a little. The only point from that was that they see the posts first…but, do they *Have to have all the things 🤷🏻‍♀️
They most definitely don’t have financial problems. This is in our local mums group (I know them all) it’s not Fb marketplace etc, so is only open between all of us.
It’s definitely a *Trendy thing for them and they love showing off all the second hand things they’ve got, which is great, but they’ve no idea for some of us, it’s not about being trendy, it’s just a struggle at times or at least more of a struggle than they face.
They’re the same when hiring *help etc and will complain and knock prices right down, but are fine spending a fortune on a meal out. It’s obviously up to them what they spend their money on, but the grabbing of every freebie and trying to get away with paying as less as they can when they have so very much (and they do) just seems shitty to me! 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also, the kids are often dressed in old clothes that are too small now, whilst they have beautiful clothes..I don’t get this mentality at all

@Newmumatlast sorry I didn't mean buying secondhand - I meant that if you really cared about the environment you wouldn't want to possess that much stuff.
Whether it was second hand or bought
So if one person is hoarding all the stuff given away for free/sold cheaply secondhand they're not doing it to care about the environment. Because they wouldn't necessarily have bought all that stuff new. It's there so they take it.

I would probably put a post up saying: 'as lots of us aren't available to answer posts during the day, maybe it would be fairer if everyone who wants to expresses an interest in an item and the poster can choose at random or in whatever way they want?' And wait for the response.

Or else you can be more direct and say, please be considerate and stop snapping up all the good stuff for your massive playrooms.

Interestingly the wealthier people also seem to post stuff for sale rather than for free

yes I've noticed this too, I see people selling things that I would just stick in the charity shop - I guess that's why they are wealthier than I am

however, I do buy clothes on ebay to save them from landfill, even though I could afford to buy new, so I don't see the problem with people with money buying second hand

@blameless

In the final days of Sure Start, I worked for a large local authority. Three of the individuals keenest to close them down were mothers of young children on £100k packages who complained that their wealthy SAHM friends were accessing all of the services. There must be a special place in Hell for wealthy women who make the lives of poor women more difficult.

And I think we can guess how they vote!

I would stop giving things away in my local mums' group (which I do a lot) if I had to choose between potential recipients according to need rather than just give it to the person who replies first. It sounds like both a headache and a minefield. I post things there because I want them out of my house and not in landfill. I do sometimes give things to the local baby bank if I think they could help someone in need and I'd much rather do that than try and conduct my own selection of who 'deserves' my old baby gym the most.

Just remember that the people who could really benefit from a free piece of furniture, likely won't have the means to collect. The ones who can, may (not saying will, obviously) just sell it straight on

This may be true, but what is anyone supposed to do with that information? I might be happy to give away an old sofa or bed for free because I want it gone and am fortunate to be in a position where the amount I might get from selling it isn't worth the bother. But like most people (even most "wealthy" people), I don't own a vehicle that will safely transport those items. I'd have to pay to rent one. Even if I already had one, they use a lot of petrol, so driving to the recipient and back isn't free. Plus I have to get it into the vehicle somehow, which I can't do single-handedly if we're talking about anything heavy. If my husband and I couldn't manage it between the two us, I suppose we'd have to pay people to load and unload it, too.

At that point, I'm effectively paying someone to take it, and spending more on that than I could realistically have sold it for in the first place. I think the expectation that I owe it to the universe to do all this so the thing is more likely to end up in the hands of someone truly needy is a bit much.

I picked up a sit me up yesterday free from one of these groups. I could buy new but I don't feel a bit guilty. It will be used for a couple of months then back up on the group. Buying new when there was one there seems like such a waste of money and resources.

Well, that and man bashing.

Hardly. Plenty of people will have a go at anyone doing that. Far fewer do when it comes to “rich bashing”

One thing you could do, without causing any fuss, is post something along these lines "Is anybody selling any Paw Patrol toys, or toys suitable for an x year old boy? Would prefer to buy secondhand if possible"
Sometimes these types of posts get responses from people, it nudges them to have a clear-out

They most definitely don’t have financial problems.

I’d love to know how you tell from the outside if a woman is being financially abused.

I think you're right up to a point. It's so easy to judge others and make assumptions when you don't always know their financial situation. People used to think our family was 'posh' even when we were on free school meals.

My much-wealthier-than-me friend tried to charge me for a piece of IKEA furniture that I said I was interested in (it didn’t fit in her new house).

She charged me £100, it was £110 new.

The same friend let me pay for my own birthday dinner when we went out then grumbled when I didn’t whip my card out to pay for hers.

She’s a lovely friend but it is very much my experience that wealthy people are tighter and more at loathe to give away anything ‘free’.

Whenever I give something away it always first come. It’s purely whoever fits into my schedule. I usually post the ad the day I have time for people to come.

I work 12 hr nights and am crazy busy from school pickup until I walk out the door for work, I get home in time for breakfast and school drop offs. Honestly I don’t have time to care who takes my stuff. I sleep during the day so it’s you come when it suits me or not at all. I refuse to be judged if I sell my stuff instead of giving it away. I own it, it’s mine to do as I please.
I do feel pretty shit that people think volunteers are just scammers. I volunteered weekly when I had time at a local food pantry because I thought it was a good thing to do. But the comments on here Make it sound like I am a chancer.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting quizzing potential recipients of freebies with regards to their financial situation.

It’s just more of a grumble-about-people-in-general thread, not let’s do something about it.

Hardly. Plenty of people will have a go at anyone doing that. Far fewer do when it comes to “rich bashing”

Ok, well perhaps you'd like to try this challenge.

There have been several previous threads on here titled 'I Hate Men'. Name me one other protected group who you can profess to hate without causing outrage.

I hate gay people?
I hate Muslims?
I hate disabled people?

No, thought not. But it's ok to say "I hate men".

[quote Tilltheend99]@Thatsthewaytis surly the wealthy person can afford to buy something sustainably sourced, good quality, and durable. If the struggling person can’t reuse the second hand items then they will have to buy the stuff from China as it will be all they can afford.

I presume that is roughly what the person writing the lecture on environmental sustainability is getting at. But you know better [/quote]
Yes thank you @Tilltheend99 I completely agree.

I absolutely agree with buying secondhand or sustainably sourced, that is not the same thing as hoovering up every freebie when you know other people might really benefit from it

@Thatsthewaytis

Maybe they are thinking of the climate and not buying toys new so they want them for that reason not money?

Somehow I doubt that very much

We are comfortably off, not rich by any means.

I give away pretty much everything on FB for free if we don't need it anymore/kids have outgrown it etc. Yes, partly to just make space/save the hassle but also because I feel for the sake of a couple of quid, I'd rather give someone else the use/pleasure. It's worth more to them than to me at that point in time.

But does that mean that on occasion I see something I could really do with/like that is being given away free, I'm not permitted to have it?! Give over, YABU.

I do agree that it's frustrating when it's the same people all the time, just because it's free. You could always do what someone in our village has done and set up a freebies site but with settings that the post has to be approved first...hence getting first dibs with all the freebies...

@Lougle

This is why a lot of Sure Start centres were shut. Their 'reach' was to the yummy mummies who wanted their children to have every experience, etc., when they were trying to get to the hard to reach families.

Surely the centres were shut because of government cuts, not because of who visited the centres? 🙄

@Tilltheend99 maybe the person writing the lecture on environmental sustainabiltiy should have made that point as opposed to actually saying

I know that we're not going to stay below 2 degrees warming because Sally snapped up some second-hand clothes that Mary would have really benefited from

I didn’t realise I was supposed to surmise people’s responses. And Eh yes I most likely do know better, given that I work in this field 😂🤣

Also would love to get your recommendation for a sustainably produced jumperoo that doesn’t use plastic or non recyclable materials?

YABU - rah rah types normalising second hand stuff is really good news for the environment.

Also, if it becomes normal for kids from wealthier backgrounds to wear hand me down clothes, poorer kids will face less judgement for doing the same