Rich mums taking all the second hand stuff first

[Housepartyatjustinshouse]

In a local mums group with lots of lovely mums.
We often post if we have toys/clothes to give free, that the children have grown out of.
Just recently I’m noticing more and more that when toys/clothes are posted, the same few mums get it there first.
They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry.
It just seems a little unfair that I and the more *Average mums seem to lose out, when they could buy a lot easier than we could?
I’m in a two bed flat and missed out (again) in a huge selection of toys my Ds would go crazy for. I can’t afford to buy them new and it would’ve really helped at Christmas.
Is this fair? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It could work by people not being grabby.
Simple as that.
Too many people these days live in a little selfish bubble thinking they don't affect other people.

I don't get free things but I get secondhand things when I can because it is wasteful to buy new if you don't need to.
I can't see the sense in buying new on the off chance that someone who is poorer than me ends up with the second hand thing I was buying.
We all need to be reusing things more not just poorer people.

I totally get the complaints about the same few people taking everything and that that should be self-policing, but if you're only supposed to take things if you're among the most needy then that doesn't seem like a local mums' group for swapping stuff, it's an informal charity.

@Glassofshloer exactly
Also taking one or two items is fine but hoovering up all of them when you can afford to buy if DC really want a specific toy is disgusting.
If people really wanted to help the environment they wouldn't buy secondhand . They just wouldn't buy full stop because who needs that much stuff anyway?

In the final days of Sure Start, I worked for a large local authority. Three of the individuals keenest to close them down were mothers of young children on £100k packages who complained that their wealthy SAHM friends were accessing all of the services.
There must be a special place in Hell for wealthy women who make the lives of poor women more difficult.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I haven't experienced this type of group tbh but agree that a lot of rich people sell things on Facebook etc.

I always remember picking up an item that would've cost £15 new from Facebook marketplace; she was selling for a fiver. She lived in a mansion with a Bentley in the forecourt. I have to admit handing over my fiver with my eyebrows somewhere in my hairline.

Why would you not expect her to sell something for a fiver? Maybe she sold it on behalf of her child and they put the fiver in their piggy bank. Maybe she doesn't have access to her own money. Whatever... of course she could sell something for a fiver.

Yes, I know I and the others don’t have any entitlement to them

No but then they also have no right to complain if they miss out.

It's up to you to provide the things you and your family need. Anything free is a bonus.

I see your initial annoyance with it but you se a bit like you think you have more right to those things, if that makes sense? You haven't actually lost anything by someone giving something of theirs away to someone else.

@KimmyKimdoo

I think YABU. You’re no more entitled than anyone else to this stuff. If you want these people to donate things specifically to you, you’ll have to ask them to consider you first by putting a message in the group and saying what you’re after. If not, it’s perfectly reasonable to be offering things for free on a first come first served basis. This isn’t about you, life is unfair and you don’t know their personal financial situations.

Don't be obtuse. Can you really not understand why OP feels this is unfair?

@KaleJuicer

I make a point of giving stuff away for free or just a couple of pounds (as sometimes when it's free it confuses people - have had people doubt it's genuine when I'm giving away bundles of Boden clothes etc).

I have an acquaintance who disclosed that their family income is £1m a year -( first strike; who talks about their income like that?!) and then sells stuff, the same stuff I give away, at full market price. On one memorable occasion she sold stuff that I had handed down to her for free.

There was a Facebook group where items were listed as cheap/free, all things child related. Some of the members were selling on items they were given for free too, so if the group got shot of this, the members were given an automatic ban. If you’re given something free, you should always gift on.

Interestingly the wealthier people also seem to post stuff for sale rather than for free.

You think people become wealthy by giving stuff away?

Unless the posts say something like they want the item to go to someone who needs it, its a free market. The person giving the item obviously doesn't care else they would say. And where do you draw the line otherwise? Do you have criteria to be met? Who would be poor enough? Totally appreciate it is tough and so much is geared up against poor people in a capitalist society, 100%. However I don't think just because someone can afford something new means they should have to buy it new. Just like just because someone can afford to shop at a more expensive shop doesnt mean they should have to. Personally I am being much more conscious now about second hand items and buy lots of secondhand clothing from places like vinted or ebay and purchase toys from Facebook marketplace. I really don't understand people making comments about raising eyebrows about people with nice houses and cars selling items secondhand either. If the buyer thinks it is a fair price it shouldn't matter who is selling it to be frank. They have achieved what they asked for. I do think that people with more should spread their wealth though. Shop locally, donate to charity, donate items back to the community, give time volunteering etc. I do all of those things. I reason I could do a similar job to what I do but with a more social justice leaning and earn less, possibly even spending more time with my family, but then would have less to spend to spread my wealth and overall paying higher taxes and donating to charities and causes as well as giving items back balances it out. Don't assume everyone who does what you describe is just taking advantage of those who can't afford new and it isnt being balanced out is what I mean.

@MLMshouldbeillegal

We have offered several things free on Gumtree - not because we're trying to be charitable, but because we need to clear a space, and can't be arsed with people faffing and negotiating on price when something was a tenner in the first place. Just last weekend we put on an old painted chest of drawers, free to whoever would collect, and someone arrived within a couple of hours to collect it.

I think you are wrong to assume that people are offering things free of charge in the hope they will go to lower income families. And how would you police that anyway - bank statements as proof of income on collection?

Just remember that the people who could really benefit from a free piece of furniture, likely won't have the means to collect. The ones who can, may (not saying will, obviously) just sell it straight on :(

@Housepartyatjustinshouse What sort of toys were they, do you mind me asking? We have loadddds of toys and I'm having a clear out soon x

@RichTeaCheddars

YABU Not all SAHM are rich. Some have just enough to make it work. And part of that making it work is getting things free/cheaper from local pages or from 2nd hand shops

Well in this area at least, lots of SAHM are not rich by any means- they just stay at home because their jobs would pay less than the cost of childcare. Then you have the professional working mums, and finally the posh SAHMs - but these are not the majority at all!

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@Glassofshloer exactly
Also taking one or two items is fine but hoovering up all of them when you can afford to buy if DC really want a specific toy is disgusting.
If people really wanted to help the environment they wouldn't buy secondhand . They just wouldn't buy full stop because who needs that much stuff anyway?[/quote]
Totally agree with your first point. Its about balance. Your second point i dont understand. If something is already in existence secondhand and would go to the tip if the person cannot shift it or gift it, why isn't it better it is sold on to someone? Money for the seller and the buyer gets an item they then don't have to buy new (bringing down demand for new items being made) plus it isn't being dumped.

If you’re given something free, you should always gift on.

If I’m giving it away, why do I care if someone sells it on? I couldn’t be arsed with and don’t have time for the faff of selling and posting stuff. I don’t need the money but if someone wants to take my stuff and sell it on and they need the cash, fair play to them.

They are mums that don’t work (don’t need to) and live in million pound houses and clearly don’t need to worry

How many times on here have we seen posts from wives who have high earning husbands who don’t give them enough money for clothes for the kids?

Thatsthewaytis

Maybe they are thinking of the climate and not buying toys new so they want them for that reason not money?“

This.
I’ve been buying second hand for nearly 30 years because I can’t stand waste.

@Haffiana

I LOVE a rich-bashing thread! It's the only bit of bigotry we can get away with now!

Well, that and man bashing. 😂

I understand how frustrating it is, think we have all experienced it one way or another on these sites. What you could do @Housepartyatjustinshouse is to pop a post up asking if anyone is getting rid of xyz please could you let me know, so then people may post underneath offering you. I’ve seen this and it does work, then you could get first dibs and pass on the bits you don’t need. 👏🏼☺️

@verymiddleaged

Sure Starts closed because of lack of government funding, not because of yummy mummies hogging the services

As a social worker I really liked the broad mix of people using the services. It was easier to get more vulnerable families to use services that were seen as universal rather than specially for families in need.

Of course - services which are universal have a much broader uptake that those which are means tested, far beyond entitlement. If you put a barrier in front of a service, this will prevent many groups using it even if they are in fact entitled anyway. I assume this was a principle of sure start. They came at a time when every child mattered instead of just rich ones.

Their behaviour does seem selfish and thoughtless if they do this repeatedly.

Thinking about my local free group for parents, I couldn't tell you anyone's income or wealth status and nobody can tell mine.

If someone lists an item at the time I'm online and it would be good for DC, then I'll request it.
If I list items on there then it can go to whoever commented first or whoever can collect first because I've no idea about anyone's situations.

There is a saying..

The richer you get the greedier you get.

There is a lot of truth in that.

@SteppedOnBloodyLego

FlyingWhistle I'm a SAHM and we live comfortably, I get lots of secondhand items and I don't see it as depriving others

Yes you are depriving others 🤦‍♀️

Everyone who gets anything anyone else wanted is depriving others. If a poorer working mother gets an item before FlyingWhistle does, she's depriving FlyingWhistle of it. When there's only one item to go around, and more than one person wants it, one person will end up depriving the others of it. The question is whether that's better or worse depending on the relative wealth of everyone involved. I'm inclined to say it's not, in part because most will have no idea of the financial situations of anyone else involved.

It's the same in my local area op. The wealthy mums like second hand everything because it is trendy.