AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

Also, my mum would never admit this, but when I've been fat (after starting a new job I piled on a good bit and I didn't have the energy to address it I was getting up to speed and worrying about that) I think my Mum couldn't understand that it wasn't FOREFRONT in my mind. The fact that I could be putting my weight second to learning the ropes was simultaneously baffling, threatening and I think although she'd never admit it, admirable.

My mum and went on a cruise a while ago and my mum was telling my daughter and me about the dessert buffet. She took pictures and everything look gorgeous. She told us so proudly I had had a tiny mouthful of that one and a tiny taste of that one.

My DD and I were laughing that her pleasure came from RESISTING.

There seems to be a lot of judgmental comments about people who might experience a feeling of ‘disgust’ or feel repulsed by someone who is very, very overweight, irrespective of whether they actually say anything off the back of that feeling. Which feels a little unfair in this context as they are answering a question honestly. But I think it’s also reasonably common for people to feel a similar ‘disgust’ when they see a person who is very, very thin. Is there a difference? If you feel a sense of disgust when someone is very overweight, do you feel the same when you see someone who is emaciated? Or are they two different things? If so, why? I’m curious.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion
If your friend was watching someone chainsmoking would she say its disgusting they are killing themselves? Or drink people swigging from bottles of vodka?
I think you were hurt as you felt she was directing those comments at you . Was she insensitive? Yes . Is obesity killing peope ? Yes . But equally if you did not like or agree with her opinions you're right to challenge it.

I think repulsion at obesity is likely instinctual, like the repulsion most people get when thinking about shagging an elderly person. We are hardwired to make choices that are most conducive to furthering the human race, which is why traditional beauty concepts coincide with symmetrical features which signal strong genetics.

‘ But I think it’s also reasonably common for people to feel a similar ‘disgust’ when they see a person who is very, very thin. Is there a difference? ’
Is it common? I don’t think it is, otherwise we wouldn’t hero worship stick thin women on the covers of magazines. There was a woman at our gym who was clearly anorexic, manically exercising. I felt nothing but compassion and pity for her. Other than that I have never ever had much thought about someone who’s very thin let alone been repulsed by them.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly no I don't think she would have said that because she's generally a very kind inclusive person who doesn't usually pass judgement on strangers that's why I was so taken aback when she said it.
If I see a heroin addict on the street I don't think "that's disgusting they are killing themselves:" all I think of is how privileged I am to have not found myself in that position. I can't judge them, I don't know them their background their mental health or economic situation.

She's clearly not a very nice person. Think it if you must, but why the fuck say it? I can't care less if an obese person eats cake, doesn't affect me. I'll even give an obese person cake if I've had time to bake for once! Probably make your friends head spin.

@KrispyKremeDream

I think repulsion at obesity is likely instinctual, like the repulsion most people get when thinking about shagging an elderly person. We are hardwired to make choices that are most conducive to furthering the human race, which is why traditional beauty concepts coincide with symmetrical features which signal strong genetics.

Surely ideas of beauty reflect what is high status in any society - fat where food is in short supply, pallor where staying out of the sun is only possible for the rich, thinness where exercise reflects exploits at the gym and healthy eating. It isn’t instinctive.

Surely ideas of beauty reflect what is high status in any society - fat where food is in short supply, pallor where staying out of the sun is only possible for the rich, thinness where exercise reflects exploits at the gym and healthy eating. It isn’t instinctive.

Well, yes this is a factor. Good example being the African tribes who idolise fat women, with some being so overfed that they can barely walk. Likely comes from it being the opposite of famine.

But attraction is definitely so instinctive. Studies have shown that the facial features we consider beautiful are more symmetrical, which in turn signals strong genes. Even babies react to this and smile more at beautiful people apparently.

Many studies have shown that both sexes are attracted to attributes that signal fertility. Good waist/hip ratio in women and good shoulder/waist ratio in men, for example.

I'm overweight and I do find myself noticing other larger people immediately, then obsessing over whether they are smaller/bigger than me, wondering what they weigh, thinking their clothes are more flattering, etc. I have been told quite a few times by slim friends that I notice this stuff more than most people would and make too big a deal out of it.

@Topseyt

When I see another overweight person (like myself) I actually don't see a fat person, or that isn't how I frame it in my own mind. I see a person who I realise must be going through similar struggles to me, for whatever reason.

Exactly this, too.

I am not why? I'd bet they're really rude people and highly critical of lots of different things from their high horse and their superiority complexity.
Why else does a person look down on another

Tbh, I do find it a little hard to feel sorry for my mate when she eats three Greggs slices and whole pack of their cookies in one go.

There are quite a lot of people who equate slimness, exercise and restricted eating with morality.

Plenty of them would cheerfully eat veal then congratulate themselves on being ‘good’ because they didn’t follow it up with dessert.

It’s what has developed in place of an actual moral code for many people.

They tend to claim they’re interested in protecting the NHS as well…..strangely this laudable commitment to public health doesn’t tend to be flow through to other areas such as lobbying for increased funding or accepting the evidence on our current policies around illicit drugs……it’s almost as if they’re really just enjoying having a go at the fatties but think a layer of faux concern makes it ok.

I’m not fat, as it happens.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

When people direct a fattest comment at me I rush up to them, grab their hand and say thank you, thank you so much. I had NO idea I was fat until this moment. They generally think I'm nuts and back off.

I must try that one

I find some people on cruises quite funny. Complaining over and over there is too much food. Exclaiming over the desserts.

Talking about the overweight people behind their backs and saying how disgusted they are.

Only once or twice have I had the guts to tell my table mate that no one is making you eat for goodness sake. If it bothers you so much order room service so you won't see any fat people.

‘ Personally I feel that we need a bit more fat shaming.

It might reduce the number of people that think that being morbidly obese is healthy, trendy, sexy & fun.’

Show me the people who think morbid obesity is trendy or sexy? I’m I missing something? The morbidly obese cover stars on all the women’s magazines?
And is it just the morbidly obese we’re fat shaming ( I don’t think there are as many of them about as you think) or can we chuck in the obese and overweight as well? Loads more of them around.
You may even know one or two -
So maybe start there,
See how that goes.

Fat shaming is not helpful, at all. It simply lowers the person's self esteem even more and can be extremely demoralizing.

Obesity is unique in that you can't just stop eating. We all must eat to live, and losing weight is extremely difficult. Obesity is multifactorial.

Being kind and accepting is far more likely to help someone. And I don't mean being kind in the cliche sense.

@WillyWollyWandy

Ok you asked.. I would never dream of commenting about someone’s weight. But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat. So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science. But as I said, I’d never actually say this to a fat person, albeit I don’t really know any fat people. I do know anecdotally that people struggle with their weight. But some willpower and discipline should fix the issue. I also presume however, that for some larger people, there are mental issues at play which leads to comfort eating etc. No idea what the answer is. Counselling?

So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science.

It's arseholery, that's what that is.

Why did you have to write "they were enjoying some cake" instead of "eating some cake"?

Genuinely curious.

I'm always interested in the concern shown about the strain that obesity places on the NHS. It seems that there is much less concern shown about the demands on the NHS from sports injuries or road accidents which occur during non-essential travel. These risks are "avoidable" and yet seem to evade the moral repugnance attached to obesity.

Personally I feel that we need a bit more fat shaming.
I think there is plenty.

It might reduce the number of people that think that being morbidly obese is healthy, trendy, sexy & fun.
It wouldn't it would increase the pressure on MH services.
Most morbidly obese people don't think it is healthy, if they feel good about themselves, good on them, feeling shit won't magically make you slim.

Because some people like to feel superior and make themselves feel better about their own flaws.
Being fat, you can clearly see my 'flaw' around my body, it's very visible isn't it. Some people can't feel good about themselves unless they're making someone else feel bad. I can't necessarily see someone else's flaws, some are very well hidden and denied. Mines not well hidden and I can't really deny it. Some people love to revel in other people's flaws to make themselves look better than another person.
Being fat is generally thought of as a lack of will power and laziness and therefore lack of morality, by making comments like these they're not really pointing out another person's flaws for the sake of it, rather pointing out that they don't have them and are therefore superior.