AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

I dont judge individual fat people because who knows why they are fat, but as a group, I do judge people who are fat because they eat too much. But I think we have a moral duty to look after our bodies so I judge other people who dont look after their bodies too. I try to keep healthy and I'd be disappointed in myself if I fell too far off the wagon of healthiness.
Not sure about the basis for this moral duty - it's just something I feel - but its something about keeping healthy so you can make a contribution to society or do your best, and maybe there is a spiritual/religious element too.

When I see another overweight person (like myself) I actually don't see a fat person, or that isn't how I frame it in my own mind. I see a person who I realise must be going through similar struggles to me, for whatever reason.

It's really interesting and OP, you are being so reasonable!
I think that in this context, 'phobic' is the right expression. I would never ever say anything hurtful out loud, but I do have a really visceral reaction to morbid obesity (not simply 'overweight'). I have the same visceral reaction to excessively underweight. I'm also very squeamish and not great with certain body parts (belly buttons for example) and I find very old age very difficult to 'look at'. Pre Covid, when people used to do things like filing their nails in the tube, I would feel almost sick. So it may just be something to do with a slightly 'off' 'disgust reflex' (by the way that's layman's term for it I believe, not an insult!) which all human beings have to one extent or another (it's fundamentally what stops us, say, eating rotten food etc). Lots of our natural reflexes came about over a period of time long before we became homo sapiens sapiens and so they can do odd things to thought processes when faced with a modern (in the sense of neolithic, not 21st century) world which is very different.
Just a thought. But basically the veneer of civilisation is really thin and some people will have strong reactions that social mores tell us should be controlled through politeness.

@Findingthelight1

Do we want fat people to exercise and keep moving or not? Wish people would make up their minds. Complain when they do nothing and then complain when they actually do something

So you deliberately take one line out of a post about the death of my sister and present it out of context. You absolute ghoul.

You said your sister died because she was obese, you then went on to say you can't stand the 'fat and fit' movement. Do you want fat people to exercise or not?

Except I didn't say that at all. I said I find those movements hard to cope with. Which is completely different to "can't stand."

Of course I want overweight people to exercise. By the "fit and fat" movement - and apologies if I've got the name wrong- I meant the trend on social media etc to say "I'm obese but I'm fit and I have no health issues."

I find that very hard to see now because that's exactly what my sister did. She never had any health issues caused by her obesity - or so she thought. Until she died.

‘ I dont judge individual fat people because who knows why they are fat, but as a group, I do judge people who are fat because they eat too much. But I think we have a moral duty to look after our bodies so I judge other people who dont look after their bodies too. I try to keep healthy and I'd be disappointed in myself if I fell too far off the wagon of healthiness.
Not sure about the basis for this moral duty - it's just something I feel - but its something about keeping healthy so you can make a contribution to society or do your best, and maybe there is a spiritual/religious element too.’

Wow - there’s a lot to unpack there isn’t there!? You don’t judge individual fat people but you DO judge ALL fat people? You know that makes no sense.
So is it ONLY slim people who get to be spiritual because of their dedication to morals that the tubsters don’t have, or do fat people get a bit of spirituality too?
I don’t judge fat, or thin, people but I do struggle
With the dense, the superior and the snobbish.

This has been an eye opener, I have to say. It’s never occurred to me to be disgusted by overweight people and I’m genuinely stunned at some of the replies here.

Honestly this thread is bullshit. Those of you who judge other people for supposedly not looking after their bodies don't actually give a flying fuck when these people die, do you?

[quote Noavocado]@CounsellorTroi so are you suggesting everyone should become Obese to live longer and disregard the medical conditions they will need to be treated for? If the NHS wasn't already crumbling it certainly wouldn't last long with that approach.[/quote]
No of course not. I’m saying that being slim isn’t the be all and end all of good health for everyone. I have an underactive thyroid. Like I said I’m overweight - with a BMI of 27.9. I exercise and eat a healthy diet. I’m not diabetic. My blood pressure is on the low side of normal. Ditto my cholesterol.

@logsonlogsoff

‘ I dont judge individual fat people because who knows why they are fat, but as a group, I do judge people who are fat because they eat too much. But I think we have a moral duty to look after our bodies so I judge other people who dont look after their bodies too. I try to keep healthy and I'd be disappointed in myself if I fell too far off the wagon of healthiness. Not sure about the basis for this moral duty - it's just something I feel - but its something about keeping healthy so you can make a contribution to society or do your best, and maybe there is a spiritual/religious element too.’

Wow - there’s a lot to unpack there isn’t there!? You don’t judge individual fat people but you DO judge ALL fat people? You know that makes no sense.
So is it ONLY slim people who get to be spiritual because of their dedication to morals that the tubsters don’t have, or do fat people get a bit of spirituality too?
I don’t judge fat, or thin, people but I do struggle
With the dense, the superior and the snobbish.

Not forgetting not making a contribution to society

When people direct a fattest comment at me I rush up to them, grab their hand and say thank you, thank you so much. I had NO idea I was fat until this moment. They generally think I'm nuts and back off.

@CounsellorTroi OK I understand what you mean. Sorry I misunderstood you. I'm around the same BMI at the moment. I thought you meant size 18plus. You are not very overweight.

I'm a yo-yo dieter and I know how hard it is to stay slim if you are genetically programmed to be fat. The slightest overeat - I'm talking, e.g. a slice of toast - takes me ages to 'undo'.

So, no, I don't judge fat people. Many of them won't actually be eating any more, or exercising less, than slim people.

I don't comment at all TBH oyher than to complement people. Its just shit even passing comment.

I think the body positivity movement has glamourised obesity in a way, and not a good way. When people say the average U.K. size is a 16 happily, it makes me cringe. Getting more and more people overweight is not a good thing.

I don't know if I'm just being dense but I really, really don't see how telling people it's ok to love their body, no matter the size, is a bad thing and I REALLY don't get how obesity is being 'Glamourised' either because as a fat person, the kind of fat many people on this thread are 'silently' judging, I see no one aspiring to have a body like mine, quite the opposite actually. A body like mine is quite possibly the worst possible thing they can think of for themselves.

But you see, the way I see it, my body has propelled me for almost 40 years, it has born my children and I am DONE hating it because it's fat. Hate is not going to help me change it but maybe loving it could? Worth a go.

@Playingoutinthedark

Everyone on MN lives off salads that last for millenia. It's the most fataphobic place I've encountered. This will go down well.

I don't believe this for a second! Look how frothing any thread criticising fat people gets.

We're trained into it, for whatever reason, and yes, mostly about women. Whether it's because women are supposed to be slim and attractive, or we're judging people for (we assume) being gluttons, it's taught to us from a very young age by the media we consume and the people around us.

I've spent a few years trying to train myself out of it because it's horrible to be so judgemental.

@TeeTotaller1

I had a comment from a friend about another friend that was overweight apparently 'she's costing the NHS thousands', this was from someone who smoked 40 a day and drank a bottle of red wine a night. I told her she was a hypocrite She really couldn't see it

To be fair though, the government actually make a huge profit on smoking tax. Plus didn't research recently find that most skinny smokers are still healthier than obese non smokers.

@Onlyabean

I have the opinion that years from now, commenting negatively about a person's appearance, including weight, will be viewed with the same horror that some of those seventies sitcoms are now when displaying racism or sexism.

I can see us gasping in shock at it in the future. I hope so at least.

This. My DD aged 13 is very quick to admonish someone if they are seen to be “fat-shaming” another person. Nothing to do with her size, she’s slim, she finds finds it unacceptable. Her friends are the same. Very refreshing and hopeful.

Wow - there’s a lot to unpack there isn’t there!? You don’t judge individual fat people but you DO judge ALL fat people? You know that makes no sense.
No I judge people who are fat because they eat too much and don't exercise. Not those who have a medical condition or some emotional problem or genetic predisposition to being overweight. And that is because I think we should look after our health.
Of course people who are obese can be spiritual. Just because I feel we have a moral duty to look after our bodies doesn't stop anyone else from having whatever beliefs they want. Not sure why it would?

@BaconAndAvocado what a beautifully kind little girl you're raising. Definitely gives me hope for future generation.

What I mean is, that I don't look at an overweight person and judge them because I have no idea what's going on in their lives and their size has nothing to do with me. But if I'm honest with myself I do think that it's not great when people get morbidly obese for no reason other than overeating. But I'd imagine that this is quite a small group.
I'm sure other people would judge me for some reason or other. I'm just trying to answer the OP's question, although as I said I wouldn't judge or comment about an individual.

I might be in the minority here but as a fat person I simply do not care what strangers think of me. Good, be repulsed by me being out in public. I will carry on living my life regardless 🤷🏻‍♀️
What I DO care about is being treated with respect, as everyone should be.
I appreciate not all fat people have my mindset though, and that this thread will be very upsetting for some. Personally I’m not surprised in the least by some of the responses. People hate fat people - especially fat women. I’ve been fat my whole life so have had plenty of time to get used to that, but I imagine it’s pretty shit when you’ve been slim and have put on weight for whatever reason only to find out that you’re generally treated much worse when you’re fat.

And most religions have something to say about a duty to look after your body (and not judging I know!), which has sort of resonated with me when I've read about it.
Although I think in reality we live in a culture where snacking, access to high calorie food is everywhere and this is where half the battle is.

My mum is like this and it's a TERROR of losing control.

At times I've been fat and she's been unbearable to me, reminding me every minute,but unlike her, i knew I could just decide to address the issue when I was ready. She'll still comment even when I know that I'm fighting fit (for me). She thinks my fighting fit should be leaner.
She is very repressed and never really feels anything, not even the fear of losing control if that makes sense.