AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

@Sudokuzebra

I think the issue is the sheer amount of people who require NHS resources because of obesity. It is somewhere around 1/5th of all resources and rising.

Also, the skin cancer analogy may be a difficult one because that is probably more related to diet (industrial seed oils) than not wearing sunscreen.

For the same reason some people enjoy reading problem pages and watching Jeremy Kyle. It makes them feel superior.

Whatever issues the commenter may have “at least I don’t have that issue” so, “I’m better than that person”

I also judged this morning when I saw a fat person in the car outside Greggs wolfing down some huge pastry with a hot drink whilst sat in their car. For me it’s because I’ve been there and I know how deeply unhappy I was at the time. I was sitting drinking a chamomile tea and occasionally ours eyes would meet. Perhaps they knew I was judging. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like the right food to eat early in the morning but what do I know.

Also, the skin cancer analogy may be a difficult one because that is probably more related to diet (industrial seed oils) than not wearing sunscreen.

Do you have any links specifically linking seed oils to skin cancer?

It's not healthy to be overweight and lots of people put a lot of energy into not being overweight themselves by restricting what they eat/exercising etc.
So I think the comments are a mix of superiority/jealousy that others aren't policing their food intake in the same way as the commenter.
I wouldn't comment on adults but I have in the past commented on the parents of obese children as it just makes me very sad that those children's health is damaged. Its not good parenting and I wish that was less acceptable in society. I also feel the same about fat pets.

At hamstersarse i know what you mean.
Like if somebody is attempting to lose weight i ask them what they found hardest about trying the last time. Hunger? Difficulty getting to shops? Boredom? Lack of appeal to eat healthier foods????

I think for me, creating a "bread substitute" (low carb bread roll) has helped me a lot.

I did keto and found my thinking / fear of vegetables bordered on disordered!

So now, god knows what im doing, something in between keto and low carb and i am not hungry, not craving vegetables, not viewing veg as "bad" so while keto "purists" might not approve of my tailored approach it is really working for me psychologically.

I am on the UK Keto Community Facebook group and whether you disagree with keto or not, I can tell you that every time someone posts their pre and post pictures having lost 8 stone for example, it literally makes my heart sing. And there are at least 3 posts a day.

I have never been obese. However I am cheering on every person who manages to find their way out of the disaster we have created for people.

I also go swimming a lot, and every time I go I see obese people trying to take control of their weight, but I can also literally see their 'shame' as they walk out to the pool, thinking that I am judging them. I want to shout to each and every one of them - I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. WE ARE BOTH HERE JUST TRYING TO BE HEALTHY

I hope people know that not every slim person judges people because of obesity. I can't emphasise enough that I don't.

@CounsellorTroi

This has a summary of the research on processed oils www.jeffnobbs.com/posts/death-by-vegetable-oil-what-the-studies-say

We should not be eating them in the quantities we are - but if you try to remove them from your diet, it is literally almost impossible.

It's not fat phobia. I'm not frightened of fat people.

I do think people need to do more to care for their own health though. I judge smokers and heavy drinkers. Over eaters are the same as smokers. Doing something they enjoy despite it being bad for their health.

[quote hamstersarse]@CounsellorTroi

This has a summary of the research on processed oils www.jeffnobbs.com/posts/death-by-vegetable-oil-what-the-studies-say

We should not be eating them in the quantities we are - but if you try to remove them from your diet, it is literally almost impossible.[/quote]
If you stop eating processed and fast food and cook your own food it is very easy to remove harmful vegetable oils from your diet.

@samthebordercollie

Yes, you can. I have done it and my youngest DS has done it. It's just when you are out. Almost impossible.

It also means making your own mayonnaise etc. which mostly I CBA

@Brieandcamembert do you judge people who are anorexic?
One main cause of obesity is BED binge eating disorder. Trust me when I tell you there is little enjoyment in eating to the point that you feel ill and then hating yourself afterwards.... the guilt and shame leads to further binges and then the cycle continues.
Those suffering from it don't have any more control than someone with anorexia. You don't know that the fat person is over eating just because they want to. Often there are physical, psychological or social factors at play.

'One main cause of obesity is BED binge eating disorder. '

A minority will have a recognised medical disorder.

One main cause of obesity is overeating. You must stop medicalising it, I'm sure it doesn't help if people think they have a disorder and they are powerless to do anything about it.

'Often there are physical, psychological or social factors at play.'

Occasionally there are 'physical, psychological or social factors at play', more commonly there are bad food choices and excessive eating.

@Claralaura I'm really confused how argumentative your being and lecturing. You say this all started only yesterday after a friends comment. Yet you seem armed with a wealth of arguments.
Did you just invent the coffee shop scenario to push your opinions and agenda on a thread?

@JaniieJones by just looking at a fat person how on earth can you possibly know why they are fat? You cannot possibly know why.
Very very few people are fat by "choice". You don't know that if you had their physical and mental health and lived experience that you wouldn't be exactly the same way.

Fat shaming and diet culture doesn't work to make people thin, if it did there wouldn't be so many people overweight. Shaming them hasn't worked so maybe we could give empathy and kindness a try

@Noavocado I obviously have a personal viewpoint which is why I found my friends comments so interesting (didn't realise how many ppl think the same way until I started this thread though) but feel free to leave at any time, noone is being held hostage here.

Sorry. As an overweight person I find it impossible to believe that anyone thinks anything but the negatives. Sneering harrassment is just every school run (on a bike or walking) every trip to the supermarket or pool. I've stopped seeing friends and family and only leave the house when I have to. Sick of the cult of thin and the endless harrassment.

I wonder if it's a subliminal response to fear about resources. If we are all a desert island then the person who ate more of the limited food than was fair, would be disliked. So unconsciously we react to obese people as tho they are taking more than their fair share.
Very interesting.
I think thin people have a inner, maybe subconscious, monologue of rules about what you are "allowed" to eat, what's greedy, what's a fair share. So I can see what you've said could well play in.
I also think that subconscious inner monologue is the source of the "lazy" judgement.

[quote Claralaura]@Siameasy I think everyone does what they think is best when it comes to their kids and there is some research to say that limiting how much kids eat seems to increase the chances that some kids will become more overweight. Kids who had food restricted in a bid to lose weight were more likely to eat secretly and hide food and ended up gaining more weight than those that were allowed to eat intuitively.

I say this as someone who's 18 month old twins have never had sugar so I know I have work to do on not assigning morality to foods and labeling them "good" and "bad" because obviously everyone wants the forbidden treat more.

I think a focus on intuitive eating would really help the obesity issue more than weighing kids in school etc. The fact is dieting doesn't work long term and the inevitable yoyo weight fluctuation only damages their metabolism even more.[/quote]
We have a toxic food culture in the UK. If you go outside of the Anglophone world there isn’t the plethora of ready meals and having take aways daily isn’t known. People wouldn’t eat on the hop or at their desks or whilst driving. We seem to celebrate convenience and a “fast hit” and the processed carbohydrate is happy to oblige.

It’s therefore impossible to be intuitive around food when most offerings (carb-based, fat free of course🙄) are designed to provide a “hit” followed by a slump at which point the eater feels a sense of emergency “starving” and craves another “hit”.

If you’ve ever done intermittent fasting it’s revelatory how you can be more starving 2 hours after a McDonalds than during a 48hr fast.

That's my mum. She is 81 now so isn't going to change. Literally no idea why she is like this, especially to me.

@3scape

Sorry. As an overweight person I find it impossible to believe that anyone thinks anything but the negatives. Sneering harrassment is just every school run (on a bike or walking) every trip to the supermarket or pool. I've stopped seeing friends and family and only leave the house when I have to. Sick of the cult of thin and the endless harrassment.

This is awful to hear.

I can only say that not everyone thinks like that.

However, people do judge others all the time - the shoes they wear, the car they drive, the house they live in. We all do that to each other, it's just a human thing! So we do have to all tolerate some judgement, it's part of life, and staying in to avoid judgements seems very extreme and if I dare say it, extreme. I am not sure you can blame everyone else for this state of affairs.

@Siameasy You are right that's a huge factor. There are some theories that say maybe its by design, like big business/government keeping us in a sugar fog so that we are more compliant. I did keto/intermittent fasting and actually found it great but when I broke it at a wedding I ended up spiralling back into disordered eating so now I find not restricting works best for me not to gain weight (not losing anything though)

@Crossfitwidow

I assume most slim people think fat people are repulsive. If they don't say it out loud they are probably thinking it.

Tbh i find anyone who is bothered by another person's weight to that extent both repulsive and very very strange!

Very very few people are fat by "choice

This rhetoric is what’s so bloody harmful. Yes they are, they absolutely 100% are. Is it a choice that’s been influenced by other factors? Sure, it can be, just like being an alcoholic or drug addict can be. But we don’t tell addicts that it’s out of their control, that they don’t have a choice. We instead encourage them to take responsibility.

You say diets etc don’t work, but they do, it’s people who “don’t work”. Think of it like this, if a drug addict goes to rehab to try and get clean, but doesn’t address any of the issues that led them to take drugs in the first place, then nothing has changed and they may well quickly fall off the wagon once they’re out in the real world. Eating disorders or over eating can be the same, a diet can work, but if you don’t address your underlying issues around why you’re over eating, then it’s far less likely to.