AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

@JaniieJones that's actually not true. It's what many slim people think but actually there are a number of physical economic and social factors that affect weight gain it's actually not all about "will power". For most people it's not a choice. Firstly diets don't work for most people, 90% of all people who lose significant weight gain it back within 5 months and 80% of those gain back an extra 14lbs. If this cycle continues over a lifetime it leads to insulin resistance and further weight gain. Even if we all ate the same amount and moved the same amount we would all have different bodies. So the focus should be on healing people's relationship with food and they key to that is not commenting on people's body, anyone suffering from an eating disorder will tell you how incredibly damaging it is to hear someone commenting on their body. Well meaning comments can often lead to a relapse and further weight loss/ weight gain. Just be kind and don't comment that's my opinion.

@Naunet you may not agree that making a negative comment about someone who has an eating disorder or mental illness is not the same as other bigotry but let's just agree not that my friend is an @rsehole and its not OK to comment on people's bodies.

[quote Claralaura]**@Naunet* you may not agree that making a negative comment about someone who has an eating disorder or mental illness is not the same as other bigotry but let's just agree not that my friend is an @rsehole* and its not OK to comment on people's bodies.[/quote]
Oh yes, reframe my opinion more to try and make me look unreasonable 😂

Of course prejudice against disabilities is real, I said as much in my first post. But if you’re claiming all fat people are mentally ill, that is a big statement that you need to back up.

'Just be kind and don't comment that's my opinion.'

I am kind and don't comment, but I think it as do most people.

Do you think we shouldn't advise smokers to stop or drinkers to drink less incase we offend them or do you actually recognise that whatever excuses people have obesity is still a massive public health problem that we need open honest discussions out, albeit without insults of course. The stigma needs to go, people need to stop taking it personally and like smokers accept they are doing harm to their body and others will judge.

I wonder if it's a subliminal response to fear about resources. If we are all a desert island then the person who ate more of the limited food than was fair, would be disliked. So unconsciously we react to obese people as tho they are taking more than their fair share.

I'm fat, have been obese, and I judge others. I wish, I didn't but I do.

@Crossfitwidow

I assume most slim people think fat people are repulsive. If they don't say it out loud they are probably thinking it.

Nah this is definitely not true

My mum is a size 18, clinically obses and always used to insult other big women. Whether strangers or her friends. They were the same size or smaller than her!

My brother and I, not overweight at all, thought it was bad. He would sometimes tell her not to say things.

It's not about the weight of the criticiser. It's just an inherent need to feel superior regardless of size!

I'll also add- it's because I'm thin I can empathise with bigger people:

I had the opposite experience at school where I tried hard to gain weight by overeating. Hardly anything changed so actually, I understand that it's not as simple as "losing weight".

I hate the trope that thin people (actually thin, not just average) are all bitches when many of us grew up being bullied for being bony and lanky-

Okey dokey, I've watched the video and had a quick scroll through their channel and it seems that they have a very clear agenda, their channel blurb states that quite clearly actually, they like to 'react and refute arguments made in the fat acceptance community' which is fine, I suppose, everyone needs a hobby. But these videos are clearly being made from a point of view of fat as unhealthy and a result of eating too much (not saying that's wrong btw, that is one factor, my argument would be it is not the only factor or even the main one is some cases) and the clips used will be chosen to illustrate that point and as such are not evidence of obesity being 'glamourised'. As far as the mainstream media goes, the one that we all consume daily, the message is very clear, fat is bad.

@DeadButDelicious

Okey dokey, I've watched the video and had a quick scroll through their channel and it seems that they have a very clear agenda, their channel blurb states that quite clearly actually, they like to 'react and refute arguments made in the fat acceptance community' which is fine, I suppose, everyone needs a hobby. But these videos are clearly being made from a point of view of fat as unhealthy and a result of eating too much (not saying that's wrong btw, that is one factor, my argument would be it is not the only factor or even the main one is some cases) and the clips used will be chosen to illustrate that point and as such are not evidence of obesity being 'glamourised'. As far as the mainstream media goes, the one that we all consume daily, the message is very clear, fat is bad.

Well like I said, I don’t have tiktok anymore so had to find something there, but here’s another that I’ve seen before and explains the issues well

Being quite over weight seems to be coming the norm but think it's having a terrible effect on children and the amount of overweight and obese kids.

I am far from perfect before I'm flamed but most of the world probably needs to change in some respect to their health.

@Ugzbugz

Being quite over weight seems to be coming the norm but think it's having a terrible effect on children and the amount of overweight and obese kids.

I am far from perfect before I'm flamed but most of the world probably needs to change in some respect to their health.

Yes it is being normalised, there is so much denying going on and refusing to accept any responsibility. Addiction, mental health and disorders are all approved and acceptable terms leading the overeater to be assured it is not their fault, they have a very worthy reason. Greed, gorging and no self control is frowned upon because the truth is ironically very unpalatable .

@JaniieJones I don't "advise" anyone who didn't ask my opinion because who the f@#k do I think I am to tell anyone how to live their lives. Doctors can absolutely give advice of course but People with any addiction/ eating disorder/ mental illness only get help when they want to change themselves. Telling an addict that drugs are bad won't make them get sober. Telling a person with an eating order that starving themselves is bad won't make them gain weight. Telling a person with depression that they should cheer up won't make them less depressed. What helps people is empathy and understanding. If you think someone is unwell asking "is there anything I can do to help" or "how are you feeling?" Is a helpful. Telling them they are fat is not..... they know they are fat they are not blind.

Your friend is very ignorant and hope she has to swallow her words if she ever gets fat due to illness or hormones or childbirth.

@Ugzbugz

Being quite over weight seems to be coming the norm but think it's having a terrible effect on children and the amount of overweight and obese kids.

I am far from perfect before I'm flamed but most of the world probably needs to change in some respect to their health.

Agree - there is so much denial. It’s a miserable existence for a primary aged child to be obese. But if you say you exercise control over what your child eats you’ll be accused of encouraging anorexia and food issues. People who pay attention to their diet on here are often told they’re obsessed or have an ED.

Honestly, we are bombarded with junk food temptation 24/7 - you do have to be a bit obsessed NOT to get sucked in!

Meanwhile your child (or you) is statistically more likely to be overweight (just look around) than anorexic so the hand wringing over the latter makes no sense

@WillyWollyWandy

Ok you asked.. I would never dream of commenting about someone’s weight. But I do inwardly judge people who are fat because for the fast majority of people, notwithstanding those with thyroid issues and other health conditions, there is no need to be fat. If you eat healthily and exercise, even only having a walk a day, you will not be fat. So if a person is fat, I assume they’re lazy and eat junk food to excess. They may argue that they don’t, citing gym sessions etc. However if they accounted for every calorie that goes in, and that includes finishing the kids’ dinner, the hugely calorific takeaways and wine, it would easily outweigh the output. It isn’t rocket science. But as I said, I’d never actually say this to a fat person, albeit I don’t really know any fat people. I do know anecdotally that people struggle with their weight. But some willpower and discipline should fix the issue. I also presume however, that for some larger people, there are mental issues at play which leads to comfort eating etc. No idea what the answer is. Counselling?

At one point I was running 5-10km 3x week, 2 pump classes and swimming 3 times a week. I was on a totally unprocessed plant based diet. I was about 4kg less than I am now (when yes I eat crap) So no my continued fatness was clearly not laziness mental issues or comfort eating. I have never been so fit and was still fat. There is so much bullshit from some people who have no idea. Just because when YOU eat a certain way you lose weight doesn’t mean the same is true for everyone

@JaniieJones actually is a myth is that people who are fat have bad or weak willpower, and people who are thin have good willpower, and that’s why they’re thin. The myth is that you can get thin if you have strong willpower, and you can’t get thin if you have less willpower. Basically, willpower is the thing everyone blames — it’s the first thing people think of and the first thing people toss at dieters when the weight comes back on.
For example, there is a study in the university if minesotta one of 26 studies that focused specifically on food and self-control. In which researchers first had study volunteers complete a questionnaire designed to measure willpower, and then tempted them with chips — but asked them to try their best to refrain from eating them. They wanted to see whether the volunteers who’d scored higher in self-control would be better at resisting the chips than those who’d scored lower, but that’s not what they found. Self-control didn’t have much of an effect one way or another on whether or not the volunteers were able to keep themselves from eating up the chips.

"It’s not to say that personal behavior isn’t important — of course it is,” said Rebecca Puhl, deputy director at the University of Connecticut’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity" But I think the way to think about this is that obesity is a very complex puzzle and personal behavior is just one of those pieces.”

@Maverickess

Because some people like to feel superior and make themselves feel better about their own flaws. Being fat, you can clearly see my 'flaw' around my body, it's very visible isn't it. Some people can't feel good about themselves unless they're making someone else feel bad. I can't necessarily see someone else's flaws, some are very well hidden and denied. Mines not well hidden and I can't really deny it. Some people love to revel in other people's flaws to make themselves look better than another person. Being fat is generally thought of as a lack of will power and laziness and therefore lack of morality, by making comments like these they're not really pointing out another person's flaws for the sake of it, rather pointing out that they don't have them and are therefore superior.

This. Beautifully put. Thank you

I hate the word “phobic” said in these terms. It’s not phobic it’s down right fucking rude and nasty. I was always told if you can’t say something positive keep your mouth shut. Is your friend so stunning and perfect.

There’s also the “keeping it off” factor. Many obese people have been successful at losing weight at some point in their lives, which suggests that willpower and self control are not the only factors at play.

@Siameasy I think everyone does what they think is best when it comes to their kids and there is some research to say that limiting how much kids eat seems to increase the chances that some kids will become more overweight. Kids who had food restricted in a bid to lose weight were more likely to eat secretly and hide food and ended up gaining more weight than those that were allowed to eat intuitively.

I say this as someone who's 18 month old twins have never had sugar so I know I have work to do on not assigning morality to foods and labeling them "good" and "bad" because obviously everyone wants the forbidden treat more.

I think a focus on intuitive eating would really help the obesity issue more than weighing kids in school etc. The fact is dieting doesn't work long term and the inevitable yoyo weight fluctuation only damages their metabolism even more.

@Sudokuzebra such brilliant points thank you.

Because some people like to feel superior and make themselves feel better about their own flaws.

I know that is a nice neat way to frame it, but in my case it is nothing to do with my own flaws. I have thought about it, really asked myself if it is a projection, but I don't think it is.

I am slim. I do work hard at it though.

When I see obese people, I notice, but I am not judgey judgey about it - I am more in despair for them. I imagine how shit they most probably feel about it, helpless. I read a lot of accounts on here about that sort of feeling.

So I do not judge individual people but what I do get pissed about is the absolute refusal of governments to act upon the food environment. I am a libertarian through and through, but I just cannot agree with the insane level of absolute shite food we have available. It is a national disgrace and the only way we can tackle this now is through legislation - there has to be some controls put in. I see children going to school on the bus with huge bars of chocolate they have bought for £1 washed down with a Red Bull type of thing.

I think the only thing I do think about people being obese is that I really really wish they could work out a way that works for them to be healthy - despite everything stacking up against them in the way the diet industry works and how the food environment is set up. That's all I think - I don't think that is fatphobic but I may be wrong.

This whole post is based on the premise that obesity is bad for health btw.

@Sudokuzebra great post.

@hamstersarse that's not fatphobic at all. You make really good points and sound like a very empathic person.