AIBU to ask why ppl make fatphobic comments?

[Claralaura]

While out for coffee with a good (slim) friend who I love dearly, she made a nasty comment about an overweight couple sitting next to us who were enjoying some cake. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that makes me sick, they are killing themselves". I pointed put to her that the people she was so disgusted by weren't that much larger than me, so why would she say that? She got a bit flustered and then gave various "but you carry it well" "you're tall" "you're not even that fat" I wasn't even particularly hurt just found it interesting that she would think that would be an OK thing to say especially to someone who is fat.

I am 35 and I am fat, (about 3 stone overweight(, I have 2 kids a lovely husband and a happy life. I enjoy running but also enjoy my food would I like to be slimmer? absolutely! but I am pretty happy the way I am. 10 years ago I was very slim but drank to excess smoked and was very unfit and unhealthy and I am 100% happier now than I was then.
But it got me thinking about similar comments over the years, slimmer friends who put on 3lbs complaining to me about how disgustingly fat they looked.

So I suppose my question is.... if you are one of those people who say these things why do you say them? No judgement just interested to hear the other side of the coin

I'm overweight. I don't choose that. I fight so very hard. I'm also autistic, my brain doesn't work the same as other peoples. I have been obsessive over researching every detail of every weight loss 'plan' - I know what to do. I understand it fully, what I cannot do is apply it to myself and make it stick. In the same way I 'understand' money but I don't have the ability to save or make good financial decision. It's not something I can just simply do. I have a disability which means this is not as easy as 'east less calories'. I also suffered trauma and neglect as a child which meant when I became old enough to obtain food myself, I did. Coming from a place of utter starvation and fighting my way to try and maintain a healthy weight throughout adulthood how dare anybody suggest this is a fucking choice

Making negative comments about people's bodies whether it's their skin colour, disability, height or size is akin to any other bigotry.
You might think that fat people get up every day and choose to remain fat but often that is completely untrue. You don't know what is like to live in anyone's head or anyone's life. So the kindest thing to do is not comment on people's bodies at all.

@Naunet

“Fatphobic”? 🙄 so we’re pretending that being fat isn’t a choice now, like race, sex, disability, sexual orientation etc? FFS.

It is definitely not a choice. Not at all. I did not look at pictures of obese people and say to myself that that is how I want to be. Nor did anyone else I know.

The media often makes out that it is a simple choice but anyone who unquestioningly believes that is quite frankly an arse.

@Naunet

I would love it if anyone could show me where being fat is encouraged as 'healthy, trendy, sexy & fun'

It’s all over tiktok.

Can you provide links? Simply stating it's on tiktok isn't providing evidence that obesity is being glamourised.

That said it all depends on what your definition of 'glamourised' is, are they saying 'Be fat! It's great! It's so healthy, trendy and sexy' or are they saying 'I'm fat and I love my body/happy in the skin I'm in' or are they simply not hiding their fat bodies? Showing off outfits they feel nice in?

@Claralaura

There are many many reasons that someone can be overweight. PCOS (1 in every 10 women in the UK) Underactive Thyroid (10 times more likely to affect women than men) Binge eating disorder (1,398,000 people currently accessing support for BED in UK) Metabolic conditions Disordered eating from food being withheld as a child. Disordered eating from other trauma.

We do not know just by looking at someone what their lives are like, you might see a fat person and think "lazy sod just eat a salad ffs" when in actuality if you had their brain and their lived experience you would be exactly the same.

Well no, I don’t look at fat people and think that, because as I’ve said, I really couldn’t care less what people do with their own bodies. Food is a pleasure in life, life sucks, so of course some will take comfort in it. It’s completely understandable and it’s not my place to judge, or even care frankly.

What I do care about the suggestion that “fatphobia” is a thing. It’s not. Yes you’ll get offensive idiots making comments about your weight sometimes, but guess what, people get negative comments aimed at the about their looks ALL THE TIME, no matter what their size.

@Naunet

Considering that a large proportion of fat women are fat because the nhs refuses to treat pcos until infertility or even test for thyroid problems unless you have symptoms other than weight gain, for many there won’t be a choice. I lost 3 stones very quickly the moment my thyroid problem was treated

A large proportion?! Come off it. This is what irritates me, this constant need to pretend it’s rarely anything to do with food. Food is one of life’s few pleasures, I totally understand why people can end up eating too much, I don’t think there’s any shame in it personally, and I couldn’t care less if that’s what someone does.

It is estimated that 20-26% of the world’s women of childbearing are diagnosed with pcos at some point in their reproductive years. This doesn’t include the women diagnosed after menopause (pcos doesn’t go away after we stop being able to bear children) or those who aren’t formallyndiagnosed so a lot of experts think, globally 40-50%+ of women might have had it at some point in their lives.

Thyroid disorders have a similar % rate & many women with pcos have both (it’s even being investigated whether untreated subclinical hypothyroidism or antibodies can cause pcos)

@Eltonsglasses sending love. It's so hard xx

Can you provide links? Simply stating it's on tiktok isn't providing evidence that obesity is being glamourised

That said it all depends on what your definition of 'glamourised' is, are they saying 'Be fat! It's great! It's so healthy, trendy and sexy' or are they saying 'I'm fat and I love my body/happy in the skin I'm in' or are they simply not hiding their fat bodies? Showing off outfits they feel nice in?

No because I don’t have tiktok, it’s a dumpster fire, but I’m sure you can find some videos on there if you look. I’m sure there is content about showing off outfits and feeling good - why would I ever have a problem with that? The ones I have a problem with are those that claim being fat is healthy,, spreading misinformation about how being obese doesn’t endanger anyone’s health, or slagging off celebrities who have lost weight like they’re traitors etc.

@Naunet as I said making negative comments about people's bodies whether it's their skin colour, disability, height, thinness or fatness is akin to any other bigotry in my opinion.
You might think that fat people get up every day and choose to remain fat but often that is completely untrue. Making a negative comment about someone who may is likely suffering from a physical or mental illness is most definitely fatphobia. The kindest thing to do is not comment on people's bodies at all.

It is estimated that 20-26% of the world’s women of childbearing are diagnosed with pcos at some point in their reproductive years. This doesn’t include the women diagnosed after menopause (pcos doesn’t go away after we stop being able to bear children) or those who aren’t formallyndiagnosed so a lot of experts think, globally 40-50%+ of women might have had it at some point in their lives

health.clevelandclinic.org/can-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-make-gain-weight/

[quote Claralaura]@Naunet as I said making negative comments about people's bodies whether it's their skin colour, disability, height, thinness or fatness is akin to any other bigotry in my opinion.
You might think that fat people get up every day and choose to remain fat but often that is completely untrue. Making a negative comment about someone who may is likely suffering from a physical or mental illness is most definitely fatphobia. The kindest thing to do is not comment on people's bodies at all.[/quote]
Yeah sure, paint me as an evil person who hates and shames fat people, despite me clarifying my position many times already 🙄

'Making negative comments about people's bodies whether it's their skin colour, disability, height or size is akin to any other bigotry.'

No it isn't and again it is incredibly offensive to group obesity criticism in with racism and disability slurs. No one can change their ethnicity or their disability.

Obesity is like smoking and heavy drinking, people will judge. You keep saying you're fine with your weight but your defensive attitude would suggest you are anything but. Stop excusing and enabling.

@Naunet no need to get defensive I'm simply replying to your comments that being fat is a "choice" and fatphobia is not the same as other bigotry because being fat is a "choice"

@JaniieJones addiction is not a choice. Mental illness is not a choice. Eating disorders are not a choice. Making comments at any group of people who are vulnerable is really nasty whether it's those suffering from eating disorders, physical illness, addiction or mental health issues. To make a negative comment about anyone like that is just the same as any other bigotry.

[quote Claralaura]@Naunet no need to get defensive I'm simply replying to your comments that being fat is a "choice" and fatphobia is not the same as other bigotry because being fat is a "choice"[/quote]
It’s not the same and it’s seriously offensive that you keep suggesting it is.

I used to be fat. I was fat because I ate too much, that’s a fact. I would NEVER have dared suggest that any negativity I received was in any way similar to racism, homophobia, sexism etc. It’s disgusting to suggest it is.

I'm not sure sure, I think what a PP said is perhaps true and is stems from people's own insecurities. I also think it has something to do with overweight people being seen an weak and lacking self control. Or taking up more resources then they need? I'm not saying this is my view btw and I think what she said was harsh.

I know slim people aren't looked down on in the same way but people can be just as quick to make rude comments about weight. I am very short and have a petite frame with small boobs and I've actually found in my workplace that the overweight people are very quick to make rude "jokes" about my body ie saying I am flat chested and look prepubescent. But I know if I made a "joke" about their bodies it would not go down well.

@Naunet

Can you provide links? Simply stating it's on tiktok isn't providing evidence that obesity is being glamourised

That said it all depends on what your definition of 'glamourised' is, are they saying 'Be fat! It's great! It's so healthy, trendy and sexy' or are they saying 'I'm fat and I love my body/happy in the skin I'm in' or are they simply not hiding their fat bodies? Showing off outfits they feel nice in?

No because I don’t have tiktok, it’s a dumpster fire, but I’m sure you can find some videos on there if you look. I’m sure there is content about showing off outfits and feeling good - why would I ever have a problem with that? The ones I have a problem with are those that claim being fat is healthy,, spreading misinformation about how being obese doesn’t endanger anyone’s health, or slagging off celebrities who have lost weight like they’re traitors etc.

So it's all over TikTok, but you don't have TikTok because it's a 'dumpster' fire and therefore cannot provide any evidence of your claim. So your 'proof' of obesity being 'glamourised' (on TikTok) means very little really doesn't it?

I'm sure if I look I could find videos about a lot of things, including people getting upset about celebrities losing weight. My lived experience and the experience of other fat people and the very clear message sent out by society as a whole however is that being fat is not the ideal. The voices shouting about how awful being fat is are much louder than the ones saying the opposite.

'Making negative comments about people's bodies'

If you see someone drunk and making an arse of themselves don't you think Jesus someone tell them to drink less, without considering they may have mh problems and this is how they cope? Or see a smoker puffing away in the pouring rain making themselves stink and think urgh what a disgusting habit? It is ok to have negative opinions on people's very unpleasant and unhealthy lifestyles. Yes we don't say it to their faces but to think it and comment to a friend quietly is ok.

[quote Naunet] It is estimated that 20-26% of the world’s women of childbearing are diagnosed with pcos at some point in their reproductive years. This doesn’t include the women diagnosed after menopause (pcos doesn’t go away after we stop being able to bear children) or those who aren’t formallyndiagnosed so a lot of experts think, globally 40-50%+ of women might have had it at some point in their lives

health.clevelandclinic.org/can-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-make-gain-weight/[/quote]
That’s the US number obtained from cdc, not global. Pcos rates are the highest in Asia and are climbing.

'addiction is not a choice. Mental illness is not a choice. Eating disorders are not a choice'

Yes but with respect many aren't addicted, many don't have eating disorders, this is typical enabling behaviour. It is an inconvenient and unpopular truth on mn but many/most just eat far too much because they like it. We could all do that but we don't all want to be fat.

@Naunet There are many women who don't find sexist remarks offensive..... but just because one person feels that way doesn't mean that its not bigotry or not offensive.

If you made a negative comment to a person who was disabled, or suffering from any physical or mental illness that is just as nasty as any other bigotry.
My friend didn't know the lives of the people she commented on, they could have had any invisible mental or physical illness but she made a negative comment about their bodies based on her phobia of fat people. It was most certainly fatphobia.

So it's all over TikTok, but you don't have TikTok because it's a 'dumpster' fire and therefore cannot provide any evidence of your claim. So your 'proof' of obesity being 'glamourised' (on TikTok) means very little really doesn't it?

Oh I’m sorry, I thought I was speaking with an adult who had access to Google and could look these things up themselves if they had any genuine interest. But here, let me play mummy for you:

I am overweight due to pcos. It is not due to being lazy or greedy.

Funnily enough, getting pregnant seemed to temporarily reverse the effects of my pcos. I ate the same amount of food as before, with the same activity level, and yet the weight fell off. I couldn't believe it!! Is this what it's like for "normal" people?
I ate my usual 1200-1500 calories a day and actually was able to lose weight instead of just maintain it.

Sadly it didn't last. My baby is 5 months old and I weigh more than I did when I was heavily pregnant. I hate it and will continue to pursue weight loss, and hope I succeed in spite of everything.

[quote Naunet]So it's all over TikTok, but you don't have TikTok because it's a 'dumpster' fire and therefore cannot provide any evidence of your claim. So your 'proof' of obesity being 'glamourised' (on TikTok) means very little really doesn't it?

Oh I’m sorry, I thought I was speaking with an adult who had access to Google and could look these things up themselves if they had any genuine interest. But here, let me play mummy for you:

[/quote] If you say you have evidence, then the onus is on you to provide it. Which you have done now, so thank you, I'll go and watch that. 👍🏻

[quote Claralaura]@Naunet There are many women who don't find sexist remarks offensive..... but just because one person feels that way doesn't mean that its not bigotry or not offensive.

If you made a negative comment to a person who was disabled, or suffering from any physical or mental illness that is just as nasty as any other bigotry.
My friend didn't know the lives of the people she commented on, they could have had any invisible mental or physical illness but she made a negative comment about their bodies based on her phobia of fat people. It was most certainly fatphobia.[/quote]
Your friend was a rude arsehole, but that doesn’t make “fatphobia” a thing. If I had a full face tattoo and then couldn’t get I employed, would that be tattoophobia?!