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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? SAHM

128 replies

Barkalot · 09/11/2021 12:52

I am a SAHM to my DD who is 1 and a half. This was my decision and was something I really wanted, and my husband supports this and earns okay enough for us to get by.

Due to this I also accepted this meant I'd also take on a lot more with my husband's son from a previous relationship who is 8. So when he stays with us (3 nights) I take him to and from school so my husband doesn't need to leave work early, same in the school holidays as it helps us save money for things like holiday clubs.

Recently my husband's ex has been struggling with this. She relied heavily on a family member to help her with things like school drop/pickup and school holidays. This relative is no longer able to help and she has told my husband that she is now really struggling to arrange everything around her work.

It has been broached, hinted and sometimes directly asked that I take on more with my step son during his mum's time to help her like taking to and from school and during the holidays mainly. We live close enough that this could work.

This is my AIBU because I don't want to do it. I appreciate this sounds selfish but I enjoy having some of the week to spend with DD, not being tied to school timetables or having to entertain an older child during the school holidays.

I feel bad though, my husband's ex has always gotten on well with me in the main. She was a little difficult at first but that stopped fairly quickly and we've always got on okay since.

AIBU to just stay out of this? And if asked say no sorry?

I appreciate that being a SAHM this meant it made more sense for me to do this stuff for DH during his time but I'm reluctant to do it on DSS' mother's too, as I really wanted to do this to benefit my daughter not to be used as a convenient SAHP for DSS as well.

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 09/11/2021 12:59

YANBU you should not have you lose your time with your child to make life easier for someone outside of your family.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/11/2021 13:00

YANBU and she's taking the piss by expecting you to do this. If freely offered by you as a favour that's one thing but she has no right to expect this. You're already doing a lot to support her.

It's her job and its her problem to sort -- if necessary, by using paid childcare. Its not sustainable for anyone to rely on favours for this as a default, particularly in this situation.

What does your DH say about this? Is he putting pressure on you to do this? I think you need to talk to him about this.

AudacityBaby · 09/11/2021 13:00

Your DH and his ex need to work together as parents to identify a solution to this, just as they would were they still together. They'd need to consider paying for wrap-around care, split shifts, part time working etc. etc. Neither of them should be able to absolve themselves of responsibility for parenting their child.

If your DH would rather you did it than have it affect his work and/or have to pay for wrap-around care, then that's a discussion you need to have with him. Are you OK with household funds being used to contribute towards childcare? If not, then your position is a bit unreasonable, as it puts all the onus on DSS' mother and lets DH off the hook.

cadburyegg · 09/11/2021 13:02

YANBU and I say this as an ex wife. It's fair for you to take on some of the care on your DH time but I would never expect or even want my ex's spouse to help with my childcare issues. That's for me to sort out.

LolaSmiles · 09/11/2021 13:03

YANBU You and your DP made the decision for you to be a SAHP for your child and to be a hands on step mum for his child on the days his child lives in your household.

Neither of you signed up to be open ended free childcare for DSC's Mum for when she can't/won't make appropriate arrangements for her time.

cadburyegg · 09/11/2021 13:03

I also agree that it is for DH and the ex to sort out whether or not that means they would be paying for childcare

Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 13:04

@AudacityBaby

Your DH and his ex need to work together as parents to identify a solution to this, just as they would were they still together. They'd need to consider paying for wrap-around care, split shifts, part time working etc. etc. Neither of them should be able to absolve themselves of responsibility for parenting their child.

If your DH would rather you did it than have it affect his work and/or have to pay for wrap-around care, then that's a discussion you need to have with him. Are you OK with household funds being used to contribute towards childcare? If not, then your position is a bit unreasonable, as it puts all the onus on DSS' mother and lets DH off the hook.

Well I wouldn't be happy if DH paid for ALL of the childcare on his exes time no. But I don't mind if he wanted to contribute.
OP posts:
Harlequin1088 · 09/11/2021 13:05

She's got some brass neck, hasn't she?? Absolutely don't take on any more than you're already doing else the "favours" will never end. It's great that you do the stuff you already do for your stepson but ultimately he's not your responsibility.

AnkleDeep · 09/11/2021 13:05

If it's in her time then it's for her to resolve, really. Make that clear to your DH and to her.

No way should you be expected to take on extra care. Not sure why Audacity thinks either of you have any responsibility for his ex's time. Of course you don't.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 13:07

It sounds like they co-parent well. I wouldn't expect to have to pick up more childcare but I'd be prepared to have to make sacrifices if that's what your husband is happy to do.

There's going to either be a practical or a financial impact, just like there would if you were to return to work.

Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 13:07

To be fair she hasn't come out and said she wants me to do everything on her days. But she has asked now numerous times if I'd do X or Y as she can't get anyone. It's increasing because she obviously can no longer rely on who she did before and I do not want it to become a regular thing.

DH would support me if I say no, but I do think he doesn't really get why I wouldn't.

OP posts:
AudacityBaby · 09/11/2021 13:08

@barkalot No, of course not - that's why I said contribute. Equally, it shouldn't be that the ex has to pay for ALL of the childcare on "her" time, either. Presumably your DH understands the value of having a parent at home because that's what you and he have decided, so if his ex isn't able to stay at home then paid childcare is needed and he needs to contribute towards that, as the child's other parent.

Bonheurdupasse · 09/11/2021 13:08

YANBU

She’s really trying to take advantage of you.

AudacityBaby · 09/11/2021 13:10

@AnkleDeep

If it's in her time then it's for her to resolve, really. Make that clear to your DH and to her.

No way should you be expected to take on extra care. Not sure why Audacity thinks either of you have any responsibility for his ex's time. Of course you don't.

I think DH has responsibility to contribute towards childcare for his child if that is needed because both parents have to work. The OP doesn't have responsibility, but if she were refusing to permit household funds to be used to contribute to fulfil DH's parental responsibility then that would be unreasonable.
AnkleDeep · 09/11/2021 13:14

I think DH has responsibility to contribute towards childcare for his child if that is needed because both parents have to work. The OP doesn't have responsibility, but if she were refusing to permit household funds to be used to contribute to fulfil DH's parental responsibility then that would be unreasonable.

Still don't see why you think DH should pick up his ex's slack. It's for her to sort out.

TractorAndHeadphones · 09/11/2021 13:17

YANBU OP.
Also it looks like there isn’t a main RP if you have the child half the week.
Ex should bear the majority of childcare but your DH should contribute a bit depending on their respective salaries and whether he pays maintenance

Reason being he is already ‘paying’ for you to at home which covers his days. He can’t be expected to foot the bill for ex’s childcare as well. A contribution would nice but not you know fully his responsibility. Again depends on how much he gives her in general. Not assuming that he’s even the higher earner

AudacityBaby · 09/11/2021 13:17

@AnkleDeep

I think DH has responsibility to contribute towards childcare for his child if that is needed because both parents have to work. The OP doesn't have responsibility, but if she were refusing to permit household funds to be used to contribute to fulfil DH's parental responsibility then that would be unreasonable.

Still don't see why you think DH should pick up his ex's slack. It's for her to sort out.

Because they're co-parents. If they were together, they'd have to come to an arrangement - one of them going part-time, split-shifts, or paying for childcare out of household funds.

Apparently once the man has a new family, he's no longer responsible for any of this and it's for just mum to sort out?

TractorAndHeadphones · 09/11/2021 13:19

Also OP I know people will side with the ex W.r.t to money but if she’s a full time working single parent she may still have more disposable income than your DH being the sole breadwinner of a 3.5 people household (.5 being his son). In this case why should your DH pay any more?

WarmWinterSun · 09/11/2021 13:25

Not at all unreasonable, OP. You sound kind and considerate but I think it would be unfair for you to have to take on more to cover for your husband’s ex.

WTF475878237NC · 09/11/2021 13:32

You've been lovely but this isn't on. You're not a third parent. The two of them need to make arrangements.

LolaSmiles · 09/11/2021 13:34

Because they're co-parents. If they were together, they'd have to come to an arrangement - one of them going part-time, split-shifts, or paying for childcare out of household funds.
IF they were together. But they are not together. They co-parent across 2 households and each are responsible for their time.

Apparently once the man has a new family, he's no longer responsible for any of this and it's for just mum to sort out?
He is responsible for his child and needs to make appropriate arrangements for the time his child lives with him.

Why would he be responsible for sorting out his ex's childcare arrangements?

fournonblondes · 09/11/2021 13:39

Apparently once the man has a new family, he's no longer responsible for any of this and it's for just mum to sort out?

This

Your husband has to help her not you. It is his responsibility, his son.

AudacityBaby · 09/11/2021 13:39

Perhaps I'm not the best person to speak on this - I've no experience with step-parenting (or, indeed, parenting). I wish you well, OP, and I'm sure others can provide much better advice! (No sarcasm.)

Bunnycat101 · 09/11/2021 13:44

I’m on the fence on this depending on why she’s having childcare issues. If there is wrap-around at the school then she needs to sort it and will be in a better position than most if you do pick ups for 3 nights. But having read the thread about the single parent who had to leave her job because there was no school wrap-around, I’d be more inclined to help if there were no options. Again holiday clubs, she’s probably actually in quite a good portion if you’re already taking on some of the childcare.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 13:44

No @AudacityBaby - you're completely right.
It's his child and he has a responsibility to that child.

It doesn't matter whether it's 'his time' or not.