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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? SAHM

128 replies

Barkalot · 09/11/2021 12:52

I am a SAHM to my DD who is 1 and a half. This was my decision and was something I really wanted, and my husband supports this and earns okay enough for us to get by.

Due to this I also accepted this meant I'd also take on a lot more with my husband's son from a previous relationship who is 8. So when he stays with us (3 nights) I take him to and from school so my husband doesn't need to leave work early, same in the school holidays as it helps us save money for things like holiday clubs.

Recently my husband's ex has been struggling with this. She relied heavily on a family member to help her with things like school drop/pickup and school holidays. This relative is no longer able to help and she has told my husband that she is now really struggling to arrange everything around her work.

It has been broached, hinted and sometimes directly asked that I take on more with my step son during his mum's time to help her like taking to and from school and during the holidays mainly. We live close enough that this could work.

This is my AIBU because I don't want to do it. I appreciate this sounds selfish but I enjoy having some of the week to spend with DD, not being tied to school timetables or having to entertain an older child during the school holidays.

I feel bad though, my husband's ex has always gotten on well with me in the main. She was a little difficult at first but that stopped fairly quickly and we've always got on okay since.

AIBU to just stay out of this? And if asked say no sorry?

I appreciate that being a SAHM this meant it made more sense for me to do this stuff for DH during his time but I'm reluctant to do it on DSS' mother's too, as I really wanted to do this to benefit my daughter not to be used as a convenient SAHP for DSS as well.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 15:46

@Barkalot I'm not saying you should go back to work. I'm saying how shitty of them it'd be to expect you to do that much childcare.

Just say no if you think it's going to keep getting worse, but your husband needs to understand why you're saying no or it's going to cause problems for the two of you.

mowglika · 09/11/2021 15:51

Just say no OP, you’re perfectly entitled to use your time with your DD as you see fit. And yes it totally is giving up to your time, as a pp said you can’t arrange to do anything with your DD without factoring in school run times and evenings with dss.

Can you arrange a class for dd that she would enjoy so you can have a credible reason for not being able to do the school run? Not that you should have to have a reason

I don’t see why the solution here isn’t just for dss mum to sort her own childcare issues out

thing47 · 09/11/2021 15:53

I think OP's update changes this completely.

I imagined ex as a single mum who had been left without the close support she had previously relied on and was genuinely struggling to accommodate both her work commitments and her childcare commitments. Turns out that is not the case at all – she has a DH and the issue is that they both want to work full time. Well sorry but that isn't OP's problem; it's barely even her DH's problem but it definitely isn't hers.

OP, you don't have to explain yourself or make excuses. "I don't want to do that" is a perfectly acceptable response in this situation.

sillysmiles · 09/11/2021 15:58

It's not just how long it physically takes to go to the school and pick him up though is it. It's making sure I'm back in time to do that, having him with me from 3pm onwards, making sure I'm here in the morning to collect him and take him to school

I get that. It's not just the time of actually doing it - its the commitment of having to be available, particularly in the afternoons that could be very disruptive.

In your situation I think you need to talk to your DH. Are you willing/able to offer every Monday morning or something? Perhaps it was set days rather than ad hoc, it wouldn't slip to every day. But also if you don't want to do it - don't do it.

Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 15:59

Turns out that is not the case at all – she has a DH and the issue is that they both want to work full time

Tbf I have no idea whether they could afford for her to not work, I really don't know either way. But regardless I still don't feel it's my issue.

Her husband has never really been hands on with helping with DSS as far as I know or can tell. I don't think he's ever taken him to school or anything like that. In the past a relative helped a lot on her time.

OP posts:
ToughLoveLDN · 09/11/2021 16:01

Not your problem or your husbands problem. It’s his ex’s. If she needs child care she needs to sort that out and pay for it too as it’s on her days

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 16:03

@Barkalot

Turns out that is not the case at all – she has a DH and the issue is that they both want to work full time

Tbf I have no idea whether they could afford for her to not work, I really don't know either way. But regardless I still don't feel it's my issue.

Her husband has never really been hands on with helping with DSS as far as I know or can tell. I don't think he's ever taken him to school or anything like that. In the past a relative helped a lot on her time.

This is ridiculous. You don't want to help out but you complain her husband doesn't either and your comment about whether or not they can afford for her not to work is not only sexist in the sense that you think she could give up work if they can afford it, and hypocritical in the sense that you think he could completely fund their family, including her son, when you're not willing to just sacrifice some time.

I'm out of this thread because you get defensive when people make valid points.

Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 16:06

What the hell are you talking about?

My reply about her working was in response to a poster saying they both "just want to work full time" I replied saying I've no idea whether it's because they want to or not or whether it's because they couldn't afford for both of them not to be. I have no idea, it's nothing to do with me. I don't expect her to give up her job or him to fund their home want a leap Hmm

I also never complained her husband didn't help out. I was replying again to a poster saying she has the support of a husband. My post, if anything, was more in favour of her saying well actually he doesn't help out that much as far as I know.

Jesus and you call me defensive?!

OP posts:
Froglette16 · 09/11/2021 16:07

This sounds hard, but could you arrange a quid pro quo compromise? You take DSS on certain occasions when she’s out of options, but be clear that it isn’t more than x days. And if you need help some days when she’s not working/ holidays etc, she could help you out with a day or two of childcare? You say you both normally get on well. Might be worth considering. The kids are half-siblings after all.

Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 16:08

Literally no where did I complain that her husband didn't help. I was stating a fact to give a picture of the situation that she can't just ask him to do it or rely on his support instead. Calm down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 16:10

@Froglette16

This sounds hard, but could you arrange a quid pro quo compromise? You take DSS on certain occasions when she’s out of options, but be clear that it isn’t more than x days. And if you need help some days when she’s not working/ holidays etc, she could help you out with a day or two of childcare? You say you both normally get on well. Might be worth considering. The kids are half-siblings after all.
My fear would be that she'd always then be "out of options". I can't really prove that she's tried everything else. I'd worry if she knows I'm there as a back up, it just becomes the easy option.
OP posts:
Booboobadoo · 09/11/2021 16:12

Can you decide what you're comfortable with, communicate this to DH and then step back and let them sort it out? It feels like everyone else has put the responsibility on to you to fix this issue. You and DD are important too.

ReallyQuirkyName · 09/11/2021 16:14

Girlmom, I have absolutely no idea how you interpretted anything OP said in such a way.

thing47 · 09/11/2021 16:16

OP already helps out girlmom21, on the 3 days when DSS is with her and her DH she does most of the childcare so her DH doesn't have to take time off work. Why on earth should she also help out on the days when DSS is with his mother??! Why is that her problem?

OP and her DH have made the decision that they would prefer to have less income as a family so she can spend more time with her DD. She isn't doing it to facilitate the ex-wife's work ffs.

Beautiful3 · 09/11/2021 16:17

No I wouldn't do it either.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 09/11/2021 16:22

I think this is a slippery slope. It’s not the same as mum in the hospital type senario (when I’m sure you would immediately jump in to help).

I think you need to retain strong boundaries. You are available on days he is with you but not on other days. If you find that hard/want to do that gently then sign up to toddler classes that would make school runs impossible. But you have no obligation and you do have an obligation to your little girl.

Mum needs to find childcare that works for her days. You bailing her out will just delay this process.

billy1966 · 09/11/2021 16:22

OP,

How old is your baby?

Have you any idea of what life with a toddler is like?

It is very different to life with an 8 year old.

The natural activities/venues one does with a toddler and young child are very different to an 8-10 year old.

Obviously if both are your child it is different but they are not.

This is your first child and one on one time is precious.

School holidays are long days to fill.

Are you planning on more children.

You are being made a fool of by them all.

Catnuzzle · 09/11/2021 16:31

YANBU at all. This is ex W problem to sort. Your DSS is her responsibility on her time. That's the point of having the time split so each parent knows when they're responsible for the child.

ChrissyPlummer · 09/11/2021 16:34

I wouldn’t do it OP. In an emergency or one-off, of course but not regularly. It constrains YOUR day too much. I remember when Sue Townsend was interviewed about one of the later ‘Adrian Mole’ books; she said the worst mistake she made as a writer was having his young son living with him, as he could only have storylines between 9-3!

Unless of course, EXW wants to pay you, same as she’d have to do for any other childcare….

A friend of my ex’s had this. His wife died and he met someone else who had a teen and two primary-aged DC. He had two late teen/adult DC. They popped round one afternoon and we were just chatting about what we’d been up to. When his GF went to the loo, he glanced at his watch, rolled his eyes and said something about “the bloody school run”. He was firmly in the camp that he’d been there, done that and had zero interest in family life. I think he thought that he’d be separate from the DC and him and GF would only see each other when DC were at their DFs. He didn’t want it to impinge on HIS time.

AutumnIsTheBest · 09/11/2021 16:38

I agree the responsibility is not yours OP. What would you DH do if he was single and didn’t have you around to pick up the slack on the days he had his DS?

If DSS doesn’t like the after school club, BOTH his parents should be looking for a childminder or alternative stable childcare which suits.

Does he pay maintenance or contribute to childcare costs? That is not his X’s sole responsibility. He should be paying half, regardless of her income.

JSL52 · 09/11/2021 16:44

Explain to your husband the reasons why this wouldn't work for you.

Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 17:13

I agree the responsibility is not yours OP. What would you DH do if he was single and didn’t have you around to pick up the slack on the days he had his DS?

Before I was a SAHM he'd work his work around it. But we both agreed it wasn't really beneficial to our family for me to be a SAHM but him still leave work early etc.. to do school runs and pay for clubs during holidays.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 09/11/2021 17:30

@thing47

OP already helps out girlmom21, on the 3 days when DSS is with her and her DH she does most of the childcare so her DH doesn't have to take time off work. Why on earth should she also help out on the days when DSS is with his mother??! Why is that her problem?

OP and her DH have made the decision that they would prefer to have less income as a family so she can spend more time with her DD. She isn't doing it to facilitate the ex-wife's work ffs.

Yes - OP does more than enough! It's not 'just' sacrificing some time it's the expectation.
Milliepossum · 09/11/2021 20:57

The ex’s childcare in her contact time is not your problem OP. You need to reign this in now. I suggest you simply say you’ve taken maternity leave for your daughter and may not have this time again, so you can’t split her time with others, including family members (in your own family like cousins and nieces and nephews). I say this as a single disabled mother that works full time, has her own children every day and pays for her own children’s care outside of school and during school holidays. You wouldn’t believe how many mothers from school ( both working and SAHM with a lot more income than me) try to find out if I’m taking time off during school holidays because it would be ‘nice’ for the children to have all day long play dates at my house of course. My answer is always I haven’t got leave to take. We are then selective about which days my children have friends over with children they actually are friends with rather than some randoms whose mothers want free childcare even though they know my circumstances.

Newmumatlast · 09/11/2021 21:09

As a stepmum myself I'd say you aren't being unreasonable in principle but whether or not it makes sense for you to do it is a different matter. If DHs ex would end up having to cut back hours and earn less meaning she would need to call upon him more for financial help, or he would need to either do more childcare reducing his work hours or pay for some of the childcare, then surely your household income would decrease. It may then be more worthwhile for you to do it given you don't work, have the time and can (to be fair) still spend plenty of time with your child. You don't have to but it makes sense. I used to do childcare during holidays for my stepdaughter when I was studying as her mum struggled and my now husband was working full time. It meant I couldn't get a part time job in those holidays or take on extra shifts when I did have one - however overall it made sense as the overall pot was not as low with me not earning.