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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? SAHM

128 replies

Barkalot · 09/11/2021 12:52

I am a SAHM to my DD who is 1 and a half. This was my decision and was something I really wanted, and my husband supports this and earns okay enough for us to get by.

Due to this I also accepted this meant I'd also take on a lot more with my husband's son from a previous relationship who is 8. So when he stays with us (3 nights) I take him to and from school so my husband doesn't need to leave work early, same in the school holidays as it helps us save money for things like holiday clubs.

Recently my husband's ex has been struggling with this. She relied heavily on a family member to help her with things like school drop/pickup and school holidays. This relative is no longer able to help and she has told my husband that she is now really struggling to arrange everything around her work.

It has been broached, hinted and sometimes directly asked that I take on more with my step son during his mum's time to help her like taking to and from school and during the holidays mainly. We live close enough that this could work.

This is my AIBU because I don't want to do it. I appreciate this sounds selfish but I enjoy having some of the week to spend with DD, not being tied to school timetables or having to entertain an older child during the school holidays.

I feel bad though, my husband's ex has always gotten on well with me in the main. She was a little difficult at first but that stopped fairly quickly and we've always got on okay since.

AIBU to just stay out of this? And if asked say no sorry?

I appreciate that being a SAHM this meant it made more sense for me to do this stuff for DH during his time but I'm reluctant to do it on DSS' mother's too, as I really wanted to do this to benefit my daughter not to be used as a convenient SAHP for DSS as well.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 09/11/2021 21:24

Such double standards on this thread!

If this were a first wife then everyone would be saying: your ex needs to find childcare on his time.
But because it's a stepmother, it's suddenly a joint problem? That the man should find childcare for his ex-wife on her time?
Utter bollocks.
Don't do it OP. You already do more than enough for your stepson.
DSS's mother needs to sort childcare on her days.

Bunnycat101 · 09/11/2021 22:08

I agree with thing47 and think your update does change things too. I’d imagined she was on her own. Between her and her partner they should be able to manage 2 evenings or use clubs.

Similarly in the holidays, the odd few days of clubs would likely be beneficial. Just a because you’re a sahm doesn’t mean you can’t do activities for the older one to give you a bit of 1:1 time with the little one . My 5yo would go mad stuck with me and her little sister all week. She’d need play dates or some camp days to keep her happy. You’ll find it hard to have shared interests between a 6yo and 1yo so don’t think it would actually be ideal for you to have them both at home full time during holidays anyway.

Original poster
Barkalot · 09/11/2021 22:48

Thank you, think I'll say I'm busy from now on to be honest!

OP posts:
GotTheTshirtx1000 · 09/11/2021 23:09

He's your family now, if you are available to help then help, it's for your dh and step sons benefit and in the long run your stepson and DH will be grateful for your love and support. Maybe if you are helpful his ex will also be helpful if you ever need anything. I guess it depends on what kind of person she is but your relationship with your dh and stepson comes before anything else. Your stepson will remember your kindness in years to come.

flaxensunshine · 09/11/2021 23:13

@Barkalot

To be fair she hasn't come out and said she wants me to do everything on her days. But she has asked now numerous times if I'd do X or Y as she can't get anyone. It's increasing because she obviously can no longer rely on who she did before and I do not want it to become a regular thing.

DH would support me if I say no, but I do think he doesn't really get why I wouldn't.

I don’t get why you wouldn’t either?!? You met him and he had a child..
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 09/11/2021 23:16

I don’t get why you wouldn’t either?!? You met him and he had a child..

It doesn’t really matter why random person X doesn’t ‘get’ it.

The OP has explained, in depth, several times now.

flaxensunshine · 09/11/2021 23:19

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

I don’t get why you wouldn’t either?!? You met him and he had a child..

It doesn’t really matter why random person X doesn’t ‘get’ it.

The OP has explained, in depth, several times now.

Ok fine. I don’t agree. Don’t marry a man that already has a child and you are not prepared to commit and care for that child. Simple.

If the tables were turned a man would be flamed!

sarah13xx · 09/11/2021 23:29

@flaxensunshine she is, she’s clearly doing her bit during her DH’s time as well as doing favours during the ex’s time which is not her responsibility at all. Should she go round and clean the woman’s house because she doesn’t work? Do her ironing for her too while she’s at it?

Tractorroot · 09/11/2021 23:59

This poor child. Every day trying to work out who's stuck with him today.
YABU as is every person in this depressing thread talking about a child like a set of dishes! Who's turn is it today to sort them out. It's not about you, it's not about your DH, it's not about his ex wife, it's about agreeing an arrangement between all of you that is in the best interests of this little boy! He's your DDs brother and one day if you have another child of your own hopefully you won't consider DD as a burden to be palmed off so you get your prescious bonding time with DC2... That's not how it works. You love and care for all children equally and do whatever it takes to put them first everytime and this includes DSS which is what you signed up for when you got involved with someone who already had a child. You DD will not suffer by having extra time with her DB, this is purely about you and what you want and don't want but it's not about you! God forbid something happened to his Mother he'd be with you all day every day and you'd have to make it work and you should be prepared to be part of the equation in his life from day one. Everyone reiterating this disgusting message that this is not your problem honestly has me genuinely worried! He's not a problem, he's a child. All 4 parents and step parents in his life need to grow the F up and put him first, however that looks!

timeisnotaline · 10/11/2021 00:07

@TotallySuper

But shes choosing to be a stay at home mum anyway so she's not missing out on anything through force, it's all her own choice. So this is kind of a moot point.
She’s choosing to miss out on that to benefit her child. Running around after another child isn’t benefiting her child. She’s happy to do it on their contact time of course, but full time is different. I’m on maternity leave next year, will start out with dc2 in childcare 3 days, I wouldn’t miss out on that time with just baby for the world. It’s totally different running around after older children. In this case the older child isn’t the ops.
timeisnotaline · 10/11/2021 00:09

I think the ex’s husband has a hell of a lot more responsibility here than the op. The op is supporting her own husband by looking after his child. The ex’s husband isn’t doing that, given they both work he’s not the only earner either. It’s not fair to pressure the op.

GotTheTshirtx1000 · 10/11/2021 00:17

Totally agree!!!

ReallyQuirkyName · 10/11/2021 07:06

YABU as is every person in this depressing thread talking about a child like a set of dishes! Who's turn is it today to sort them out

God people get so dramatic on these types of threads.

The child himself is of course not a problem, but childcare, as is often the case with ALL children especially during the ridiculous amount of school holiday through the year, absolutely can be. It IS about arranging who's turn it is to sort him out. That is not unique to this family, most family's with school ages children go through this year upon year. It can be a logistical nightmare trying to cover all of the holiday when you're working, every single parent I know finds it incredibly stressful trying to sort out their children during the school holidays.

Have you never had this problem? You're very fortunate if so.

All this talk of something happening to their mother is irrelevant. If something did happen to her that would be an entirely different situation. As it is, nothing has happened to her and I am assuming she is as capable as any other working parent to arrange childcare for her child during the time she needs it. She is more fortunate than some that she doesn't need to think about 3 days of the week as it is.

OP is absolutely entitled to bonding time with her daughter. She became a SAHM to benefit her daughter, not her step son or his parents. You really cannot expect another woman to give up her career for your or your child's benefit so you don't have to either do the same or make alternative arrangements. The step sons mother is no worse a situation than any other parent of a school aged child who works. Plenty manage.

People get far too emotive about this subject picturing a child sat in the middle of the floor listening to the adults squabble about who's problem he is that day, or left in the school playground until dark because no one wants to collect him. In reality he likely has no clue this conversation has even happened and his life will continue perfectly fine with the addition of a few extra holiday clubs during the school holiday. It's hardly living in hardship for goodness sake.

And I don't know any 8 year old who'd love spending his entire summer "bonding" with his 1 year old sister. Again, emotive bullshit used to guilt OP.

These parents are lucky that for 3 days of the week they have someone available to help them. It's hardly a massive ask to expect them to sort the other 4 some of which won't even be during school time. What is it with parents of step children thinking it means they no longer need to parent their children?

LolaSmiles · 10/11/2021 07:52

YABU as is every person in this depressing thread talking about a child like a set of dishes! Who's turn is it today to sort them out
Crikey! DH and I discuss who's doing pick ups and having time with DC whilst the other does things at the weekend. Other friends make childcare arrangements with their partners and their children's parents (where co-parenting).

Who knew that families making appropriate arrangements for childcare and supervision is treating children like dishes?

billy1966 · 10/11/2021 08:56

Is is indeed depressing that of 4 adults in the life of a child, it is a non blood related female who is being used and pressured for childcare, while both biological parents don't give a damn or feel any responsibility, likewise the non biological male in the equation.

OP is being used as an aupair and skivvy.

Her husband is a disgrace that he would want her to be fulltime skivvy for HIS child, so that her baby doesn't have any one on one time.

OP should look very carefully at this situation as if her marriage fails she can expect zero from her husband.

AnkleDeep · 10/11/2021 11:05

I think you need to say a firm no to any help at all. Otherwise there will be "emergencies" all the time. The mum needs to pay a childminder.

Crazycrazylady · 10/11/2021 12:13

Honestly op. I'd be booking in a couple of classes now around the time that they keep asking you. I'd set out my stall now.
Totally agree that the resident parent needs to sort it on their respective days .

LannieDuck · 10/11/2021 18:22

Ex-wife needs to work this out with her partner and/or DH. Just because both of them are male, doesn't mean they get to say 'no' while you have to suck it up.

If Ex-wife gets to say 'no', and ex-wife's partner gets to say 'no', and DH gets to say 'no', then you absolutely get to say 'no'.

Jane0106 · 10/11/2021 18:49

YANBU - I would start booking yourself up on the times they are hinting for you to do. You do enough on the days your DH has him.

It's his mother and fathers issue to be dealing with appropriate child care.

My DH pays for school clubs and changed hours to work around taking DSD to school whereas her mother doesn't work and can collect and pick up at normal times. Just how life works. Even when her mother needs to use the school club she will pay the fees as it is her day.

Do not be used as 'free child care'. You do your bit on the days you and your DH has him. They need to step up and parent and find an alternative child care between themselves.

flaxensunshine · 10/11/2021 18:57

So if god forbid something happened to the Mum, and Dad had to have full care of the child what happens then? Who do they ship the child off to so she gets time with the baby? What happens if they have another child together?

Jane0106 · 10/11/2021 19:03

@flaxensunshine

So if god forbid something happened to the Mum, and Dad had to have full care of the child what happens then? Who do they ship the child off to so she gets time with the baby? What happens if they have another child together?
Well if this was unfortunately the case then it's a complete different circumstance and I am sure they would take on the son and sort out the childcare Confused But in this case the mother is still present and therefore can sort out the childcare on her days and so can the father ?
VillainouslyGood · 10/11/2021 19:12

@flaxensunshine

So if god forbid something happened to the Mum, and Dad had to have full care of the child what happens then? Who do they ship the child off to so she gets time with the baby? What happens if they have another child together?
How are either of these situations the same or even remotely comparable?

If something happened to the mother that's different, as it is nothing has happened to her and she's as capable as any other parent at sorting her own childcare.

If OP were to have another child that would be her child, for whom she'd be responsible for arranging care, that child wouldn't have another mother who was just passing off her responsibility and placing it on OP.

How on earth can you not see the difference?

VillainouslyGood · 10/11/2021 19:15

And if you're going to use purposefully emotive language like "ship off" then at least acknowledge that the OP isn't shipping the child off anywhere, his mother is. It's her time to have him!! How is the OP shipping anyone off?! Confused

beebeebe · 10/11/2021 19:41

Say a strong ,NO'. Not your responsibility!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/11/2021 19:50

YANBU at all, I am a first wife and I categorically do not expect DS's stepmum to do ANY childcare, it is not her responsibility, it is the responsibility of me and my ex husband. I have to pay for childcare, so will she like everyone else.