AIBU? SAHM

[Barkalot]

I am a SAHM to my DD who is 1 and a half. This was my decision and was something I really wanted, and my husband supports this and earns okay enough for us to get by.

Due to this I also accepted this meant I'd also take on a lot more with my husband's son from a previous relationship who is 8. So when he stays with us (3 nights) I take him to and from school so my husband doesn't need to leave work early, same in the school holidays as it helps us save money for things like holiday clubs.

Recently my husband's ex has been struggling with this. She relied heavily on a family member to help her with things like school drop/pickup and school holidays. This relative is no longer able to help and she has told my husband that she is now really struggling to arrange everything around her work.

It has been broached, hinted and sometimes directly asked that I take on more with my step son during his mum's time to help her like taking to and from school and during the holidays mainly. We live close enough that this could work.

This is my AIBU because I don't want to do it. I appreciate this sounds selfish but I enjoy having some of the week to spend with DD, not being tied to school timetables or having to entertain an older child during the school holidays.

I feel bad though, my husband's ex has always gotten on well with me in the main. She was a little difficult at first but that stopped fairly quickly and we've always got on okay since.

AIBU to just stay out of this? And if asked say no sorry?

I appreciate that being a SAHM this meant it made more sense for me to do this stuff for DH during his time but I'm reluctant to do it on DSS' mother's too, as I really wanted to do this to benefit my daughter not to be used as a convenient SAHP for DSS as well.

Kindly OP, they must both think you are beyond dim to even entertain this.

Your step son has a step father who is nowhere to be seen because THEY all agree that it is YOUR job as the little woman to step in?

If you have ANY self respect, you will not entertain this.

4 adults connected to this child but 1 being dumped with all his care.

Unbelievable.

OTOH, I think when your spouse already has a child, you are basically agreeing to treat that child the same way, materially at least, you would your own child. That's sometimes complicated by circumstances and figuring out what counts as equal, but to me that's the starting place.

I kind of agree with this and I agree that it would be awful for the step child to become a sort of political football. Personally, I would probably suck it up and do it more often than not to maintain family harmony.

But why does it have to be the OP's responsibility when she's the only person in this dynamic who is not related to the child?

Just because she's a SAHM doesn't mean she's obliged to be a childcare sponge for any other comer who hasn't sorted their own shit out.

If the dad is unable to get any flexibility to support because of his own job and the mum can't afford any childcare then the dad needs to stump up for it.

I would be more than happy to pick up another child but it would really rankle with me that people were using me as a default childcare option purely because I didn't have a job.

To be fair to DH we discussed this at the time and we both agreed it makes no sense for our family for him to be leaving work to take DSS to and from school, or to be paying for holiday clubs when I'm at home or whatever. I agree it doesn't. He still obviously takes some time off in the holidays to spend with us all but it wouldn't have any benefit for us as a family for him to be carrying on doing all of this with DSS whilst I'm staying at home.

I don't mind that, because I still get half the week to be with DD as well which is what I wanted when becoming a SAHM.

Someone asked about mum's work, I'm sure I'll get flamed by some poster's but she's a nurse so no set schedule, often works nights and I obviously don't know the ins and outs of her work schedule but seems to take extra shifts quite a lot.

Nah, frig that! I'd laugh in people's faces if I was asked to do this.
The more you do, the more will be expected of you (as you are finding). And it's not doing it so the kid won't suffer. I'm sure the boy wouldn't suffer if you didn't pick him up. It's purely and simply to make her (and your husband's) life easier. Whilst you're left doing it. No way.

And it's not doing it so the kid won't suffer. I'm sure the boy wouldn't suffer if you didn't pick him up. It's purely and simply to make her (and your husband's) life easier. Whilst you're left doing it. No way.

Yes, if I don't do it it isn't like DSS is going to be left on the school step until 8pm. It just makes it more difficult for his Mum which is unfortunate but I don't feel I should be giving up time with DD to fix that.

but I don't feel I should be giving up time with DD to fix that.

You're not giving your time up.
You're just having an extra person with you. Your daughters brother.

If you have DS 3 days a week I'm guessing your DH doesn't pay maintenance? If he does, could you come to a compromise on that in return for you doing more childcare, so at least your family benefits financially?

There's plenty of families with 2 working parents who pay for child care. He may not like the breakfast club/ after school club provision but they could look into a child minder instead. Most kids just have to bear it. Also if you're doing 3 days a week already, it's only 2 days, could be as little as 6-8 hours a week. That's really not much. YANBU, you are doing enough.

@girlmom21

but I don't feel I should be giving up time with DD to fix that.

You're not giving your time up.
You're just having an extra person with you. Your daughters brother.

If you have DS 3 days a week I'm guessing your DH doesn't pay maintenance? If he does, could you come to a compromise on that in return for you doing more childcare, so at least your family benefits financially?

It arill impacts my time with DD though, it still means we have to be back from whatever we are doing for the school run or not go at all if it conflicts with it, in the holidays it means having to factor in DSS and what he wants to do more than we already do for the 3 days he's with us meaning I can do less focused on DD.

Of course it impacts my time with her.

The fact that your'e a SAHM is a complete red herring. During your DH's contact time with his son, he makes arrangements for his son's care. In this case, you and he have agreed that along with looking after your DD, you will also look after DSS. Fine.

But during DSS's mum's time with her son, it is up to HER to sort care.

I thought that was a basic tenet of co-parenting? Aren't people on here always ranting on about how the exH needs to sort the childcare when he has the DC during holidays etc? Surely it's the same here?

If DH's ex wants to renegotiate the terms of their arrangement, that is a separate conversation and as part of that conversation, DH would need to consider how he was going to cover childcare for his additional contact time. That may or may not include asking you to help out.

In effect, what DH's ex is doing is asking you, another woman, to take on her responsibilities because she doesn't have other solutions. While I feel sorry for her, I nonetheless am struggling to understand why it is YOUR problem. Frankly, I'm struggling to see why it's your DH's problem, never mind your problem.

Finally, you wanting time with DD without DSS is also a separate issue. As you point out, with the age gap, the reality is that you want to do things with DD that DSS won't do. We have a 4 year age gap and both of our children are ours. But we often still have to do things separately because DS' needs and wants are totally different to DDs.

And if you went and did the school run for another person when you didn't have school aged children yourself, or had their child throughout the school holidays, would you not call that "giving up your time"? Of course it is. It's time doing something I would otherwise not have to do.

but I don't feel I should be giving up time with DD to fix that

I don't understand how you are giving up time. Does it take a long time to collect him from school? Is it far away?
Is the need to drop and collect?

@Barkalot it's still not giving your time up with your daughter. You'd still be with her.

You said yourself it's not a regular thing. Nobody's asking you to do it 5 days a week.

@sillysmiles

but I don't feel I should be giving up time with DD to fix that

I don't understand how you are giving up time. Does it take a long time to collect him from school? Is it far away?
Is the need to drop and collect?

It's not just how long it physically takes to go to the school and pick him up though is it. It's making sure I'm back in time to do that, having him with me from 3pm onwards, making sure I'm here in the morning to collect him and take him to school

Just because you are at home with your baby it doesn’t mean you are responsible for someone else’s childcare,even if it’s your Husband’s child.

The fact that your'e a SAHM is a complete red herring. During your DH's contact time with his son, he makes arrangements for his son's care. In this case, you and he have agreed that along with looking after your DD, you will also look after DSS. Fine.

But during DSS's mum's time with her son, it is up to HER to sort care.

I thought that was a basic tenet of co-parenting?
Aren't people on here always ranting on about how the exH needs to sort the childcare when he has the DC during holidays etc? Surely it's the same here?

Very, very well said.

Why is it the responsibility of OP and her DP to sort out childcare arrangements for DP's ex and her husband?

Some people seem to be trying to twist this into a SAHP being put upon by her DP who doesn't want to parent situation rather than acknowledge that this is a child's mum not making appropriate childcare arrangements for the time the child lives with mum.

I reckon it could quite easily become 5 days a week though! If you do two days, well why can't you do the other day, hey op? Nothing is actually stopping you... pretty please. May as well! No chance would I do that.

[quote girlmom21]@Barkalot it's still not giving your time up with your daughter. You'd still be with her.

You said yourself it's not a regular thing. Nobody's asking you to do it 5 days a week. [/quote]
But I get the sense this is exactly what is being asked, or rather, what is being implied. Or something similar. It's gone from the occasional ad hoc request to more frequent requests and OP is now being pressured to agree to do this on a regular basis.

And of course it has an impact. I am struggling to see why this isn't obvious. It's a standing joke in our house that between DD's LONG naps and the need to pick up DS from school, she didn't get to attend anywhere near the same number and variety of activities that DS did when he was the same age. In fact, as a couple, at various times I worked flexibly so that I could collect DS from school simply because otherwise DD's activities were so limited. Obviously, not everyone gets that option and often second children just have to fit in with what the bigger kid is doing, but I don't see why OP should be making these sacrifices for a child who isn't hers during time that is not her DH's contact time.

I think I have a different opinion. I think you doing the childcare is a perfectly reasonable solution. School is over 6 hours a day giving you plenty of time with your little one, and in the holidays I'm sure they can find some fun holiday activity clubs for a few days, especially in the summer so you don't have him everyday. I honestly think this is the reality of being in a relationship with someone who already has kids. I look after dp's dd sometimes (adult with profound learning disabilities and other conditions) if I didn't want to be involved I should have found a different person!

@Triffid1 I agree if she's expected to do 5 days a week plus school holidays but at the moment that's not the case. If that became the expectation she'd be better off going back to work and using her annual leave for activities for her daughter!

YANBU. I would not ask my ex or his partner to do school pick ups on my time with my children. I paid for after school club like a reasonable person.

Well that's just the thing, it is becoming a regular thing. It started off ad-hoc and it's getting more and more frequent where sometimes it is 5 days a week. I imagine the more I agree to as a PP said the more I'll get asked as well and then it's a trap of well you did then so why not now. Same with school holidays, the half term just gone it was getting stupid how often I was being asked where I felt I wouldn't have been able to arrange anything myself at all if I'd said yes because it was every day.

If that became the expectation she'd be better off going back to work and using her annual leave for activities for her daughter!

Why would I go back to work for this reason? Surely the better option would be for me to just say no and carry on as I am with regards to DD.

[quote girlmom21]@Barkalot it's still not giving your time up with your daughter. You'd still be with her.

You said yourself it's not a regular thing. Nobody's asking you to do it 5 days a week. [/quote]
And if you're being completely literal yes of course I'd still be physically with her. But it's still giving up time with her doing things we could otherwise be doing.

I'd understand doing it every once in a when she's desperately stuck but I'd be annoyed at the expectation to do it regularly. Having responsibility for a school aged child changes your day entirely.

Admittedly my only experience of this is as a nanny but the days felt really short during term time. I started at 8am. I'd get back after the school run with the 2 year old at about 9.30/9.45. We'd have a couple of hours to play/ go out. I'd get lunch ready and we'd have lunch together. He'd go down for a nap at about 1pm after a quick change then I did the housework for an hour followed by a break for up to an hour. He'd get up after 1.5- 2 hrs and have a snack. We'd set off to pick up his brother when he finished eating. We'd spend 45 minutes in the park near school after collecting the 7 year old. We'd get home, do homework with the 7 year old, bath and dinner for both then I'd finish at 7.

Of course in between all of that were the nappy changes, the odd tantrum on a bad day, the change of clothes when things got messy, bits of food shopping, dealing with the occasional workmen etc.