AIBU? SAHM

[Barkalot]

I am a SAHM to my DD who is 1 and a half. This was my decision and was something I really wanted, and my husband supports this and earns okay enough for us to get by.

Due to this I also accepted this meant I'd also take on a lot more with my husband's son from a previous relationship who is 8. So when he stays with us (3 nights) I take him to and from school so my husband doesn't need to leave work early, same in the school holidays as it helps us save money for things like holiday clubs.

Recently my husband's ex has been struggling with this. She relied heavily on a family member to help her with things like school drop/pickup and school holidays. This relative is no longer able to help and she has told my husband that she is now really struggling to arrange everything around her work.

It has been broached, hinted and sometimes directly asked that I take on more with my step son during his mum's time to help her like taking to and from school and during the holidays mainly. We live close enough that this could work.

This is my AIBU because I don't want to do it. I appreciate this sounds selfish but I enjoy having some of the week to spend with DD, not being tied to school timetables or having to entertain an older child during the school holidays.

I feel bad though, my husband's ex has always gotten on well with me in the main. She was a little difficult at first but that stopped fairly quickly and we've always got on okay since.

AIBU to just stay out of this? And if asked say no sorry?

I appreciate that being a SAHM this meant it made more sense for me to do this stuff for DH during his time but I'm reluctant to do it on DSS' mother's too, as I really wanted to do this to benefit my daughter not to be used as a convenient SAHP for DSS as well.

YANBU

You need to start saying no to anything outside of your husbands time as she will start to depend on it.

I don't agree he needs to pay for child care during his ex's time. Assuming he pays maintenance and looks after the child when he's with him. The argument that "if" they were still together he would have to pay is ridiculous. They are not together. His ex's finances/problems are nothing to do with him.

If this was the other way around, people wouldn't expect the mother to step in and sort the fathers childcare problems.

I get why you don’t want to do it. I became a sahm because I wanted to spend time with my children. However, if you do have a good relationship I’d probably suggest a temporary arrangement. Say your happy to help out a little more until she can put something more permanent in place. At the end of the day her child is your child’s sibling, them spending time together can only be a good thing. So is your offer of help, it keeps your relationship on good terms and gives her time to get herself sorted. I know you don’t owe her anything and it should be between DH and his ex, but surely DHs problems are also your problems, I know that’s how I see my relationship with my DH anyway. I’d think of terms that id be happy with, an extra day in her days or do all school collections for a month while she gets herself organised with more permanent childcare.

YANBU to not want to do the childare yourself, however your DH should step up and help her sort the childcare issue, especially if her maintenance was reduced when you had a baby. His obligations to his child do not end just because it's 'her time'

I would actually do it, your a blended family now can't just pick up and drop step son whenever you feel like it it would provide extra bonding time for the both of you aswell

YANBU. At all. It’s one thing to decide as a couple that that arrangement works for you both; in your case, it means you take on some of the childcare for DSS when he is with you. But when he’s not with you? It’s his Mum’s responsibility. Is it nice to do a favour for her, for his benefit, in the case of an emergency? Sure. But as a regular thing? No way.

@AnkleDeep

I think DH has responsibility to contribute towards childcare for his child if that is needed because both parents have to work. The OP doesn't have responsibility, but if she were refusing to permit household funds to be used to contribute to fulfil DH's parental responsibility then that would be unreasonable.

Still don't see why you think DH should pick up his ex's slack. It's for her to sort out.

Depends what maintenance is involved already, surely?

They do need to coparent, absolutely. And your DH does have responsibility. But its between them to organise and pay for. To the extent that you're at home and able/willing to help her its lovely that you can, but its fundamentally not for you to have to bail them out with childcare.

It does also sound as if she has not really got the right childcare structure in place for her work and is relying on favours etc. That's one thing if its your parents or siblings, its quite another when you expect your ex's new wife to do it as the default.

Quite possibly your DH should be contributing to the cost of her childcare but that isn't really your problem. Most of the burden of her childcare is falling on you at the moment, rather than him. Co-parenting should put the burden on the parents, not the step-parents.

I think this is actually really sad for the poor child. To be a problem that needs solving and for you to only want to be around him when it's his dad's turn to have him. Makes me feel for this child. On that basis I think YABU and I would definitely have my daughters step sibling around more and not resent it. I often see older kids at soft play etc playing with young siblings or at theme parks etc so I can't see it being a difficulty on school holiday days. I guess you could ask the mum for money towards those costs when it's her day but otherwise I'd encourage the step sibling relationship personally and do my bit to help out.

@bg21

I would actually do it, your a blended family now can't just pick up and drop step son whenever you feel like it it would provide extra bonding time for the both of you aswell

Thank you, you worded this better than I did!

I didn't vote, I think this is a really tricky one.

On the one hand, I totally understand why you wouldn't want to do this.

OTOH, I think when your spouse already has a child, you are basically agreeing to treat that child the same way, materially at least, you would your own child. That's sometimes complicated by circumstances and figuring out what counts as equal, but to me that's the starting place.

If it was my child, I'd be picking up the 8 year old etc whether or not I also had a smaller child. So I would probably feel I had to, if I thought it was the best solution.

Another option though might be to try and help find a different solution altogether, or even for some of the time.

DH would support me if I say no, but I do think he doesn't really get why I wouldn't.

These men, who just opt out of parenting, are so tedious.

Do you get why he wouldn’t?!

Oh, I know, his Big Important Man Job, yada, yada, yada… 🥱

My DH has a senior job, but he does school drop-offs and because he’s senior, has flexibility in the afternoons to do some of the ferrying, too.

You don’t have an ex-partner problem. You have the same old tedious DH problem.

This is his son. This is his responsibility.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

DH would support me if I say no, but I do think he doesn't really get why I wouldn't.

These men, who just opt out of parenting, are so tedious.

Do you get why he wouldn’t?!

Oh, I know, his Big Important Man Job, yada, yada, yada… 🥱

My DH has a senior job, but he does school drop-offs and because he’s senior, has flexibility in the afternoons to do some of the ferrying, too.

You don’t have an ex-partner problem. You have the same old tedious DH problem.

This is his son. This is his responsibility.

This. Plus the fact that OP is taking the hit to her career, pension and earning potential for the sake of her child. Hardly fair for the H or his ex to expect her to do it so that the ex can continue reaping the benefits of being in work.

But shes choosing to be a stay at home mum anyway so she's not missing out on anything through force, it's all her own choice. So this is kind of a moot point.

I would do it, personally. If there is wrap around care, I think they should go 50/50 on the costs. If there isnt, I think you should do it.

Your husband has you to do all of his parenting.... his ex wife has nobody to support her.

I always image what I would do in the situation... If your DH left you now and remarried, and you were struggling with childcare, would you like support from his new wife if she was able to stay at home because your ex husband could now afford for her to stay at home instead of you...

Just because she has chosen to be a SAHP for her child and to her step child for some of the week, doesn't mean she has signed up to provide ad hoc childcare for her step child's mother for the rest of the week and school holidays.

The ex knows she has a job and knows she needs to sort childcare for certain days of the week, so she needs to make appropriate arrangements. If existing favours aren't working then she needs to look at paid childcare for her child on the days she is working.

Excluding emergencies, each parent needs to make appropriate arrangements for their child during their time.

Is there a compromise available? Does she have another person who is helping her out and can you suggest I'll do x but not everything?

If it's just dropping the boy to school, doe sit really impact on your time with your DD?

That said, you are under no obligation to do it.

The ex husband’s family have taken the drop in income by the OP being a SAHP, covering their childcare requirements. Why is it their responsibility to cover the other parent’s?

@Jengnr

The ex husband’s family have taken the drop in income by the OP being a SAHP, covering their childcare requirements. Why is it their responsibility to cover the other parent’s?

It's not an 'us v them'. It's not about covering for the other parent. It's about making sure DH's child is cared for.

The ex hasn't asked for anyone to commit to anything - she's just asking for support when shes struggling.

I'd do it because I wouldn't want my step child to suffer. Not every day in the holiday, but certainly pick up and drop off and some holiday days.

If you have dss 3 days a week then dh needs to pay at least half the childcare bill including holidays.

DH and the mum need to have a chat, they are co-parenting. Does ex work shifts or set hours. Does she earn considerably less than dh?

There loads of options for them to look at like dh taking ds to school every morning so ex can go to work earlier and finish earlier.

You say she has been ok so Id encourage dh and her to work together.

YANBU however in the interests of maintaining a good relationship with her I'd think about if there was something you were prepared to offer and if so offer that as a take it or leave it rather than a flat no.

Your husband has you to do all of his parenting.... his ex wife has nobody to support her

This isn't strictly true. She is also married so doesn't have "nobody to support her". She's just not a SAHM like me.

As a PP said, I became a SAHM by choice yes but because I thought it important for my daughter. It wasn't because my career meant nothing to me and it wasn't an easy choice but I was fortunate that I was able to make the choice and I chose this because I personally thought it the best thing for my child. I didn't do that so that for the benefit of my husband's ex.

And whilst I appreciate PPs point about extra bonding time with my step son, me and my DD enjoy our own bonding time for half the week when he isn't here. It's important to me that we have time together that isn't always factoring in DSC. It's the whole reason I wanted to be a SAHM, so I could do things with her and not be tied down all the time by this or that.

DSS is not going to want to spend all school holidays going to soft plays or toddler groups or whatever. And he won't, for the 3 days he is with me. But those other days where he isn't are time for me and my DD to do things focused on her.

So your husband is happy for you to be au pair and house skivvy...lucky you.

So neither of your step son's parents are interested in being part of the logistics of his life.

Now you know your value OP.

I would think long and hard before having another child with this waster.

You would be well advised to return to work.

Have you a career to return to?

Because it sounds like you have been lined up as their au pair.

You deserve better.

I have helped occasionally and the requests are getting more and more frequent. I feel there is now an expectation of "well you did it then so why not now?". Which is why I am starting to say no. I don't want to be tied every day of the week to being home by 3 to do the school run or getting DD up every day to go to exes house to get him in time for school in the morning.

I'm not sure if wrap around care is on now or not. I know the school stopped it due to Covid although DSS hated going the few times he had to in the past anyway so I know they'd be reluctant to make him go even if it were on.