Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 09/11/2021 14:31

You haven't got it wrong at all

As previous posters said, he got you emotionally invested first. Now his showing husband true, controlling colours.

Get rid.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/11/2021 14:32

*his

takealettermsjones · 09/11/2021 14:55

Ok earlier I said that I wasn't calling him an abuser, yet. After seeing your update I retract that statement.

Fireflygal · 09/11/2021 15:01

How could I have got it so wrong?

You didn't, he deliberately reeled you in with good behaviour and then changed.

It usually happens when they believe you are commited to the relationship and they start to test boundaries. They can't keep up being perfect for too long so will always revert to type.

I asked earlier, what is his description of his ex (because that is how he will start thinking of you).

BackBackBack · 09/11/2021 15:08

@Fireflygal

How could I have got it so wrong?

You didn't, he deliberately reeled you in with good behaviour and then changed.

It usually happens when they believe you are commited to the relationship and they start to test boundaries. They can't keep up being perfect for too long so will always revert to type.

I asked earlier, what is his description of his ex (because that is how he will start thinking of you).

^this.
MangoBiscuit · 09/11/2021 15:40

Totally agree with @Fireflygal

OP, you didn't get it wrong. It sounds like he was mirroring you to start with, hence why the relationship seemed ideal. Wouldn't be surprised if there was some love bombing thrown in too. You wouldn't have seen the change coming. How could you? If you'd never treat anyone else like that, how could you conceive of someone else doing it?

GotBeatenUp · 09/11/2021 16:19

He was probably lovely towards you to begin with. Keen etc. Seemed to want the same out of the relationship. Probably showed commitment from early in the relationship.
Having reeled you in, he'll continue to be lovely and you'll think you're lucky to have met someone wonderful.
You'll ignore his bad points - it's not like you're perfect.

And so it goes on, and there will be the little things where you think 'hmm, I don't like that' and you'll think 'he'd never do that' and then one day the scales fall off your eyes and you'll realised that your DP is an abusive controling arsehole.

Then you think but he loves me...

No. He loves only himself

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 16:23

He says he has left ex because they argued a lot, she was shouting and crying to the point where he was embarrassed as half of the street knew when something wasn't right because she was so loud. She relied on him for everything and he said it wore him down. He doesn't talk badly about her and overall they have an ok relationship now I would say. I have witnessed a few arguments on the phone and she can be unpredictable, demanding him to answer the phone straight away and hell breaks loose if he doesn't.

I have never seen him aggressive and even if he gets angry he sort of keeps it in himself, no shouting, not even a raised voice. I have always seen him as a balanced person in that sense.

OP posts:
JSL52 · 09/11/2021 16:27

Bullshit. He wants to control you and doesn't want to be parenting on his own.
Go out.

JSL52 · 09/11/2021 16:29

Sorry , I see you did go out.
This relationship doesn't sound great though.

supremelybaffled · 09/11/2021 16:29

...there are multiple texts to say how inappropriate it was for me to ignore what he wanted and make my own decision...

Wow.

I just picked that one bit out of what you've written, @Onlyonemore because it says it all, doesn't it?

TMChappyascanbe · 09/11/2021 16:35

Sadly you are seeing the real him now. The man you had in the beginning had a mask on/was on his best behaviour.

He sounds toxic and manipulative to me. I would dump Flowers

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 16:35

@supremelybaffled

You are right and it was initially my thinking but then he says I have ignored what he wanted and made a decision on my own, and as we are together, I should take into account his views too, because it should be joint decision.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 16:36

The beginning was an act as if he acted this way at the beginning you wouldn't have gone out with him.

The mask usually starts to come off when he thinks you're hooked like around the 3 to 6-month mark and then they start with the tests to attempt to make your world smaller. The sulking, hot and cold

They imply if only you would do what they want, they wouldn't be so moody, sulky.

This is the real him. A controlling arse.

spagbog5 · 09/11/2021 16:37

Wow
This is so unhealthy and also rather chilling if I'm honest.
Please end this relationship and block him as he sounds rather unhinged with all the joint decisions etc
You're a grown woman who is totally allowed to live your life how you want without his approval .
Even if you were married it's completely unreasonable behaviour

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 16:41

[quote Onlyonemore]@supremelybaffled

You are right and it was initially my thinking but then he says I have ignored what he wanted and made a decision on my own, and as we are together, I should take into account his views too, because it should be joint decision.[/quote]
Your independence doesn't get to be a joint decision.

Picking the wallpaper in your shared house is a joint decision. Whether you're allowed to see your friends alone is not.

GrandOld · 09/11/2021 16:48

Okay I take back what I said earlier before the updates.

He IS an abusive controlling arse.

OP these type of men are usually pretty good at hiding the abuse at the beginning. They wait until you love them, make you feel like you need them, paint everything all nice and rosey - it's pretty much grooming. They leave you not always sure 'what just happened' or with you questioning yourself - is he right ? Was it your fault?

He is stepping it up now because he is trying to do this slowly.. sneaking up on you. Of course he is 'allowing' you to go on holiday alone - because that's just too damp obvious (for now - but it would eventually happen). For now is a little more subtle .. he will pretend he doesn't understand your point of view etc.

By the sounds of it, it hasn't been a great year. He's been laying the foundations.

Please leave.

Fwiw. A relationship of a year, where you aren't living together and do not have kids together, shouldn't have any ups and downs. It should feel wonderful and fun.

DukkaDukka · 09/11/2021 16:56

Your independence doesn't get to be a joint decision.

Picking the wallpaper in your shared house is a joint decision. Whether you're allowed to see your friends alone is not.

This.

Bananalanacake · 09/11/2021 17:18

Thank god you don't live with him, I'm surprised he hasn't tried.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/11/2021 17:22

@Onlyonemore

I was having an ideal relationship for a year. Then suddenly it changed to this. A total change and I have distanced myself since I've spotted the changes. I have been watching what is going on, baffled how could I not see anything earlier? No flags I have ignored, nothing. I thought of him as loving, considerate partner and us two as a team with solid grounds, respect and looking in the same direction.

How could I have got it so wrong?

I'm guessing that he is now who he has always been - it's just that his mask has slipped. He put in the effort to hide his real self until he felt he had you hooked. He slipped up by relaxing his guard too soon. His mistake, your 'dodging a bullet'.
BackBackBack · 09/11/2021 17:37

@DukkaDukka

Your independence doesn't get to be a joint decision.

Picking the wallpaper in your shared house is a joint decision. Whether you're allowed to see your friends alone is not.

This.

@girlmom21 is totally correct.
minionsrule · 09/11/2021 18:16

@Onlyonemore

He says he has left ex because they argued a lot, she was shouting and crying to the point where he was embarrassed as half of the street knew when something wasn't right because she was so loud. She relied on him for everything and he said it wore him down. He doesn't talk badly about her and overall they have an ok relationship now I would say. I have witnessed a few arguments on the phone and she can be unpredictable, demanding him to answer the phone straight away and hell breaks loose if he doesn't.

I have never seen him aggressive and even if he gets angry he sort of keeps it in himself, no shouting, not even a raised voice. I have always seen him as a balanced person in that sense.

My ex seemed the same, for 8 years. I knew he had a temper but he kept it suppressed for so long. Sadly once it was unleashed it wouldn't go back in the bottle and I saw it frequently after that. And yes he hated me going out with friends unless I was back home when at a time HE thought was appropriate. Don't worry that you have missed signs, you haven't, he has just done a good job of hiding them. Good luck Flowers
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/11/2021 18:19

It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating

So, that's why he seemed perfect then. You didn't actually try to go out without him, now you are, now you know he's not ok with that, he doesn't want you to go. Your 'ideal' relationship of a year was based on you staying in with him, and only going out when he decides it's ok.

Your choice, of course, but I think you know deep down this isn't ok at all.

supremelybaffled · 09/11/2021 18:22

[quote Onlyonemore]@supremelybaffled

You are right and it was initially my thinking but then he says I have ignored what he wanted and made a decision on my own, and as we are together, I should take into account his views too, because it should be joint decision.[/quote]
You mean... I can't quite believe it really... no, it can't be true... bloody hell it is true...

... that he thinks that he needs to be involved in deciding whether or not you can go out by yourself.

Who died and made him King?

mumonthehill · 09/11/2021 18:25

By constantly making you second guess his moods, his meaning and his idea of compromise he is keeping you off balance so easier to control emotionally. You need to begin walking away as it is not healthy for you at all and by doing this to you his disables your sense of what is right and wrong.

Swipe left for the next trending thread