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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 09/11/2021 12:16

we had some ups and downs over the last few months

Whenever I read this in a relationship AIBU I just know its bad news. It's only been a year.

Helenahandbasketbing · 09/11/2021 12:19

Run. He is controlling you and trying to isolate you.

seriousandloyal · 09/11/2021 12:21

No, just go out with your friend. Your partner is being unreasonable and controlling in my opinion.

Booboobadoo · 09/11/2021 12:23

This is incredibly worrying. I would tell him you're over - you don't owe him an explanation - block and live a wonderful, free life. I'd also have a ton of therapy/do Freedom programme/read Lundy Bancroft to do some serious work on boundaries. Things with him will only get worse.

DirtyDancing · 09/11/2021 12:24

Literally wouldn't even discuss it with him. What a twat. My DH would tell to 'go and enjoy myself' and enjoy having Netflix to himself for the night!

ILoveShula · 09/11/2021 12:25

@TravelLost, that is you and your DH, who you live with and have DC with. Not the same as a boyfriend of about a year who OP isn't living with.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2021 12:25

That you're even analysing this and considering staying with him is genuinely scary.
You must have a very very low opinion of yourself, to not have said 'that's us over them' when he first brought this up.
Dump him, and raise your bar.

QueenofKattegat · 09/11/2021 12:33

Raise the bar OP. Why are you putting up with this kind of shit after 12 mere months? I have food in the freezer older than your relationship with this prick. There isn't a shortage of men y'know, you don't need to keep hold of the grim ones. You aren't a family, his kid isn't your "darling step daughter". Just bin him off and move on.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I am constantly incredulous at the sort of shit women put up with just to be with a man. "Please may I go out on Saturday". Fuck. That. Noise.

RampantIvy · 09/11/2021 12:34

He is making it out as if my friend told me to jump and I'm asking how high, as if the friend asks to come over and I'm straight away available. But I was so happy to see her!

No, it is he who is saying “jump”

You have been together for a year. Things have been up and down for several of these months.

This is a short relationship which already has problems. You are not family: you are two adults who are dating. His daughter is not your "DSD": she is your boyfriend's daughter. How can he possibly think that you are family?

I find it worrying that you don’t see this as manipulative and controlling behaviour. And also, please don’t be that person who dumps all their friends every time they get a new boyfriend. You never know when you might need them.

abigailsnan · 09/11/2021 12:37

You are on a Road to nowhere with this bloke,he is controlling and its just starting now it will get worse trust me.
My DDs first boyfriend was like this he didn't like her going anywhere without him and would ring the house when she was due home from work questioning ME as to where she was and why was she late home.
He got short shrift after 8/9mths went on to marry another girl who ended up getting restraining & had to move areas.
Get rid asap he will only get worse.You are worth more than this.

Pigeoninthehouse · 09/11/2021 12:37

Its controlling and manipulative behaviour.
Controlling doesn't have to be threatening, or coercive.
You're one year into a relationship and see this man regularly and he is trying to guilt trip you out of seeing a good friend.
He won't want to develop normal friendships, so your suggestion to meet up with your friend and her partner in a few weeks either won't happen, or he'll make it so uncomfortable that you won't suggest it again.
Before you know it your whole life will be taken over by this mans needs. Run for the hills.

diddl · 09/11/2021 12:40

@Onlyonemore

I was thinking I wasn't doing anything wrong especially that he could have spent some quality time with DSD. He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

I like being independent and thought maybe I'm inconsiderate and really hurting him if that's what he says.

Joint decisions & compromise about one night out with a friend who you haven't see for a while?

How is that possible?

Sounds as if he just wants you to do as he says.

FredWinnie · 09/11/2021 12:42

To that he replied that he never has a problem when I want to see a friend during the week or when he is at work and that I'm going on a holiday soon without him and it wasn't an issue either.
Oh my - that's a few steps away from saying "I allow you to go out"

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?
You were/are second-guessing yourself. Is that something you've always done, or is that recent?
Because you sound like the frog being slowly boiled here

Lovemusic33 · 09/11/2021 12:47

You have been with this man for a year?

I would run for the hills, if you don’t you will end up losing all your friends because he won’t allow you to go out with them, life will get very lonely and will revolve around him. Believe me, this was me 19 years ago, I lost everything, became depressed because I lost all my friends, had no social life and spent my time looking after him. I wish I had left earlier.

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 12:49

We are from the same culture so no differences here.

The below is the pattern when something isn't right. Things have started coming out of nowhere after one year and it seems there is constantly something wrong over the last few months.

He sulks but he says he doesn't. He has limited contact with me after the weekend and if he texts, there are multiple texts to say how inappropriate it was for me to ignore what he wanted and make my own decision to go out on my own, that this isn't being in the same team and so on. Then he makes me to explain to him why have I done it and whatever I say, he finds a fault in it or he picks something up from my explanation to make another dig. Somehow it is always my fault (I don't think it is). I hate these conversations they mess around my head and I can't think clearly. If I refuse and tell him we have already discussed that, he tells me I should explain again because he still doesn't understand, and me, as a loving partner, should be doing that because he always explains things to me if I want.

He says he has got a form of anxiety that when he gets annoyed he wants to be on his own and doesn't want to see me or be in contact. I've put him on a spot asking what is the difference between this and sulking and he is unable to identify it but still says it isn't sulking. Hmm

He asks me to tell him when he does something wrong but when I do that he would say I'm over reacting and making a big deal out of nothing, because nobody is perfect and my standards are too high. They are not, I don't expect anything of him that he doesn't get from me. A respect, politeness and being a nice person in gereral as opposite to rude, inconsiderate arsehole.

When he tries to manipulate anything, I call him out straight away. So I guess by sending me screen shoots about making decisions together is just him leveled up.Confused

Ups and downs related to me telling him that he started being more and more selfish in bed, that he expect me to put more and more in relationship and picking up more leg work (driving and taking us to different places especially when his DD is around, I offered I can drive a few times because it felt fair, and he has actually started demanding driving 50/50 where I already drive 20 Miles one way to see them) but he conviniently 'forgot' about it. He says we aren't in a good place so we should spend more time together to fix it, I think ok fair enough. Then I drive to his on a Fri after work only for him to completely ignore me, exchange 5 words with me in total and go to bed at 8pm because he is tired. So, every time I call him out on this crap and it seems he understands and gets better only for something else to come up!

There were plans to move in together but I'm not going ahead with that. I want my own place. I just need an extra kick now to end this I think.

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 09/11/2021 12:53

My tip, for what it's worth, is that he sounds as if he's projecting, e.g. telling you your friend is saying "Jump!".

Listen carefully to everything he accuses you and others of doing and read it as confession. He will tell you what he's up to indirectly!

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/11/2021 12:56

The thing that struck me about this is this is the first time you've tried to go out without him with a friend in the whole year. So, if you were constantly putting your friends first, his argument might wash but not to support your partner to have friends, and to try to stop them going out once a year? Totally controlling.

He goes to bed at 8, sulks, tries to stop you going out with friends, guilts you, berates you by text, isn't generous in bed? Op, you know what you need to do and I think you know this yourself already!

ParmigianoReggiano · 09/11/2021 12:56

He sounds awful OP. He is causing you stress and unhappiness and is blaming it all on you without taking any responsibility himself.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/11/2021 12:58

This talk of 'compromise' is a load of shit, isn't it? Take note op, he is showing you who he is at the moment, ignore it at your peril...it won't get better. I think you should dump him.

olympicsrock · 09/11/2021 12:58

This is not a relationship in a good place. He is not your partner , she is not your stepdaughter NS you are not a family. He sounds controlling and manipulative he gaslights you and sulks. There is no way you should commit yourself any further with this man.

I choose to spend Saturday nights with my DH because we have such hectic weeks and prefer to do week day nights with friends but this is his contact weekend anyway so but special couple time.

He doesn’t want you to see friends alone because he knows that if you tell them how he behaves they will advise you to LTB. You should do

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2021 12:59

Just end it op. I didn't get through your whole post of 9 minutes ago. Don't dwell on it any more. He's awful, you don't need to list the many ways. Just end it.

ILoveShula · 09/11/2021 12:59

@Onlyonemore, read your own posts.

NewlyGranny · 09/11/2021 12:59

Oh, there is nothing worth staying for here, is there? He sounds moody, sulky, demanding, unreasonable and selfish.

What's not to like? Everything!

Huckleberries73 · 09/11/2021 13:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PinkiOcelot · 09/11/2021 13:01

Having read all of the thread, you really need to end this OP. He sounds like a totally controlling arse who is starting to ramp up.
When he went to bed at 8, did you get your coat on and leave? I would have.