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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ToykotoLosAngeles · 09/11/2021 13:04

Yeah, this dude is one of those that was single before you for a very good reason.

CaptainCabinets · 09/11/2021 13:05

Oh OP, please leave him! You’re only a year into this, you don’t have any financial ties to him and this will set the precedent for the rest of your life. Don’t let him do this to you.

TokyoSushi · 09/11/2021 13:07

Ooh no OP, this sounds awful, please leave him. It sounds like you're strong enough to do so and will be just fine!

BornInAThunderstorm · 09/11/2021 13:12

Fucking hell OP, are you getting any joy out of this relationship at all?

I would be running for the hills if someone I’d been with for just a year was sulking and manipulating me like this

gogohm · 09/11/2021 13:13

Far too controlling. If I want to go out I just tell dp (and if he's lucky I'll leave a ready meal for him). Be wary

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 13:15

It's not supposed to be this hard after a year.

If my DP started acting like this now -we have been together 8 years and have two children - I'd leave him.

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 13:19

Yeesh, massive red flag here, especially if he is going to bully you out of space away from step children.

Absolutely run for the hills, this is going to be a train wreck if you get more serious.

RonSwansonsChair · 09/11/2021 13:23

After 20yrs with dp I still will just tell him if I make plans to meet up with friends, I will obviously check to make sure we've no family plans but I don't ask him to compromise.
Sounds like the relationship is no longer working for you.

Foldedsheets · 09/11/2021 13:25

Your last post sounds like the relationship version of whack-a-mole, you just sort out one problem and up he pops with another! A year in you should still be having a ball OP and you sound far too switched on to put up with this crap. I think you know you would be happier without him and he has no one to blame but himself for that Flowers

Cuntness · 09/11/2021 13:26

Fucking hell.

Seriously.

Fucking hell.

Are you going to end it, OP? If not, why not?

Your relationship sounds utterly joyless. But luckily, you're seeing through his bullying and manipulative ways before it's too late. Now is your time to act. If not, you're going to wind up miserable and in a potentially dangerous situation.

BornInAThunderstorm · 09/11/2021 13:27

-controlling
-manipulative
-selfish in bed
-expects you to do some of the legwork of driving him around with his dd
-sulking when he doesn't get his way

What a catch! Throw this one back op

Cheerbear23 · 09/11/2021 13:30

After your last post…just dump him and do it now. He sounds very hard work, sulky and manipulative. Dump him straight away and go out with your friend.

FinallyHere · 09/11/2021 13:34

Listen carefully to everything he accuses you and others of doing and read it as confession. He will tell you what he's up to indirectly!

This ^. This, wot @NewlyGranny said.

Actually, don't listen. Stop listening.

Throw this one back into the sea.

Lasair · 09/11/2021 13:37

What are you getting out of this? Even your opening OP you say you could be wrong? He’s making you think you’re in the wrong when there is no way you are. You went to see a friend on a Saturday night. That’s it. There is no way you could be wrong, he’s gaslighting you into thinking you are. This should be enough to end it. There is much more to life than this.

Original poster
Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 13:40

I was having an ideal relationship for a year. Then suddenly it changed to this. A total change and I have distanced myself since I've spotted the changes. I have been watching what is going on, baffled how could I not see anything earlier? No flags I have ignored, nothing. I thought of him as loving, considerate partner and us two as a team with solid grounds, respect and looking in the same direction.

How could I have got it so wrong?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 13:42

@Onlyonemore

I was having an ideal relationship for a year. Then suddenly it changed to this. A total change and I have distanced myself since I've spotted the changes. I have been watching what is going on, baffled how could I not see anything earlier? No flags I have ignored, nothing. I thought of him as loving, considerate partner and us two as a team with solid grounds, respect and looking in the same direction.

How could I have got it so wrong?

You didn't get it so wrong. He hid who he was from you. He waited until you'd invested time, effort and emotion before starting to give you a little glimpse of who he is.
BornInAThunderstorm · 09/11/2021 13:42

You haven’t got it wrong, you’ve been given the idealised version to reel you in.

This is the real him slowly emerging

jackiebenimble · 09/11/2021 13:51

You seeing a friend for a few hours out of a week when you have spent the majority of it with him is not a 'decision'.

A decision is buying a new car or deciding what colour to paint the lounge or where to go on holiday.

ravenmum · 09/11/2021 13:58

I hate these conversations they mess around my head and I can't think clearly
I know what you mean, as I had that at the end with my exh. When we were on the verge of breaking up and he hated me. Not right at the start of a healthy relationship.

I also do basically 2.5 days a week with my partner and I didn't feel as if I knew him after a year - in those circumstances it's really more like six months.

So far he's been holding back and not saying what he thought. Now he's stopped.

Cuntness · 09/11/2021 14:07

You've noticed got it wrong. At all.

He's gotten comfortable so the real him is emerging. The man you've been with for a year was a fake.

ParmigianoReggiano · 09/11/2021 14:07

Maybe this side of him has only emerged recently because before now your choices happened to be more or less in line with his expectations? Eg you mention that this is the first time you've been out with friends at the weekend for ages. So he had no reason to behave like this, but now you're showing that you have a mind of your own and he doesn't like it.

Don't beat yourself up OP for not spotting the signs. It takes a year or two to properly find out what someone is like. You're finding out now!

Thethreecs · 09/11/2021 14:09

The sulking is to make you feel guilty. Even though you've nothing to feel guilty about. It's to make you give up what you want to do and go running to him.

He's sucking the life out of you. Imagine the next 10,20,30 years of this.. And it will get more controlling.

BackBackBack · 09/11/2021 14:10

Oh God bin him. I was thinking that before you posted your update, but wanted to hang back and see what you said first.

No way in hell would I be letting a bloke dictate what I do in my time off, let along one I don't even live with.

From your update he sounds controlling, manipulative and emotionally unstable. The 'nice' man is a facade - his real personality has already started to come through because he can't keep up the pretence. Look at this as a lucky escape - you don't live together so splitting should be very straightforward.

Sciurus83 · 09/11/2021 14:19

You're massively overthinking this. Leave him.

TheDogsMother · 09/11/2021 14:25

Please leave OP. I had a relationship years ago that started like this and ended up with him being very violent.

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