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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this mum to the police - let my DD ride without a seatbelt

490 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 08/11/2021 19:53

DD (9) attends football and another mum from school (whose DD also is part of the club) offered to take them to football practice after school tonight.

I said yes, and had no reason not to trust her, I'd taken her DD before. I said shall I leave a car seat at school reception - she said no, they have a spare they will bring.

It turns out that not only did they forget the spare car seat, the seatbelt in the back (middle) wasn't working. She was giving another child a lift, meaning 4 children in total (including her 2 DC) were in the car. She made DD, as the oldest, sit in the middle in the back and drove 5 miles with no seatbelt on and no car seat.

I'm absolutely furious. I rang her after DD grassed and she said they were running late and didn't want to call me at work and couldn't think of another way to get to football, and it's '5 miles of quiet road'.

WIBU to report her to the police or should I calm down? I'm so angry, I would not be going to football if this was me, they'd have to skip a week, I can't believe she put my DD at risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 09/11/2021 12:27

@aSofaNearYou and statistically the chances of serious injury or death when travelling with no seatbelt hugely increase than when you travel with one.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 09/11/2021 12:30

@SpeckledFrogsLog

This thread has made me laugh! OP you should have posted a reverse:

"I've agreed to take my friends daughter to football but my middle seatbelt has broken. WIBU to take her without one?"

I'd love to see how many posters would say it's no big deal then. Mumsnet: the home of contrarians!

GrinGrinindeed I had this all wrong!
OP posts:
Cheeeeislifenow · 09/11/2021 12:31

*:52YourFinestPantaloons

@Bookworm20 she had the option not to go, or to call me, or to cadge a lift elsewhere - driving was NOT the only option. It was a football practice not a trip to A&E
OP’s posts: See next | "

Other option.were to put her own DC on the.middle.

Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 09/11/2021 12:31

@Katyppp

Exactly, *@BlameItOnTheBlackStar*. Except that's not enough for the OP, who clearly is convinced she is in the right and just came on here to rant Grin
Yes I do think I am right that other people should ensure my child wears a seatbelt in a car Confused who wouldn't think that?!
OP posts:
Katyppp · 09/11/2021 12:32

I’m shocked we still have people who don’t realise how dangerous this is.

Please don't be shocked, we all realise how dangerous it can be travelling in a car without a seat belt per se.

Travelling 5 miles on quiet roads at low speeds, not so much.

It's called risk assessment. The known risk weighed up with the liklihood of anything actually happening.
If we all went into panic mode every
time our children did anything with a similarly low risk profile, all of the tall, sporty and hollow-legged MN children would be stuck at home, not doing gymnastics, sport and any of the other wholesome activities that MN children spend every waking minute doing.

Kitkat151 · 09/11/2021 12:38

@Katyppp

I’m shocked we still have people who don’t realise how dangerous this is.

Please don't be shocked, we all realise how dangerous it can be travelling in a car without a seat belt per se.

Travelling 5 miles on quiet roads at low speeds, not so much.

It's called risk assessment. The known risk weighed up with the liklihood of anything actually happening.
If we all went into panic mode every
time our children did anything with a similarly low risk profile, all of the tall, sporty and hollow-legged MN children would be stuck at home, not doing gymnastics, sport and any of the other wholesome activities that MN children spend every waking minute doing.

I don’t give a flying fuck what people do with their own kids....but OPs friend and @BlameItOnTheBlackStar both made a judgement call with someone else’s child ( whilst their own child was sitting safely strapped in)..... that is wrong on every level.
BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 09/11/2021 12:41

Christ here you are tagging me again. Maybe let the decisions of a stranger go a little Confused

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 12:44

[quote YourFinestPantaloons]@aSofaNearYou and statistically the chances of serious injury or death when travelling with no seatbelt hugely increase than when you travel with one.[/quote]
But still not to the point it is actually likely, in the opinion of many.

Contradictory statistics would naturally change my mind but this is my judgement call!

As another poster said, things like skiing pose a greater risk. I'm not really sure why you don't understand the relevance of that; it puts the risk level into context.

Wildheartsease · 09/11/2021 12:46

You trusted your child to someone you thought would look after her as well as you... and found she has very different perception of risk than you do. Part of this then is feeling that you made a mistake about this woman and her standards!

It seems from this thread that this woman is not alone in her assessment of the risk and that other parents might have done the same if their seat-belt was broken and the road quiet.

I do note though that the woman did not leave her own child unfastened.

She was willing to take the risk for yours but not for hers.

user1497207191 · 09/11/2021 12:47

@aSofaNearYou

The difference is that a child being a passenger in someone else's vehicle has no control/influence over their own safety.

Someone on a skiing holiday can make their own choices as to how safe they wish to be. If they want to take risks by going on steeper slopes etc then they bear their own risks. Parents should be controlling their children's risks, i.e. not taking them on red/black runs, or sending them for proper tuition with qualified instructors.

Surely you see the difference?

Kitkat151 · 09/11/2021 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Nishkin · 09/11/2021 12:53

@Kitkat151 agreed- that is the shocking aspect for me, calculated risk or whatever the justifiers call it, but for someone else’s child

Nishkin · 09/11/2021 12:54

@justwantobeamum probably not a good idea to do favours if you have that attitude to safety….

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 12:55

[quote user1497207191]@aSofaNearYou

The difference is that a child being a passenger in someone else's vehicle has no control/influence over their own safety.

Someone on a skiing holiday can make their own choices as to how safe they wish to be. If they want to take risks by going on steeper slopes etc then they bear their own risks. Parents should be controlling their children's risks, i.e. not taking them on red/black runs, or sending them for proper tuition with qualified instructors.

Surely you see the difference?[/quote]
Surely I see the difference? In that they are not exactly the same situation, yes, though it's not so different from asking another parent to take your child skiing.

But regardless, the comparison was not about the nature of the risk nor the morality of another parent making the decision, it was purely about the actual likelihood of serious injury, and therefore the level of concern that is necessary.

Pleasestopshoutingimrighthere · 09/11/2021 13:05

This is a crazy thread, do people not understand risk? There's a lot of survivor mentality going round (we never wore seatbelts and we're fine.. No you're just lucky you weren't in a car crash) There is a law that everyone must wear a seatbelt for a reason... I'm with you OP on this one. I would be cross that she put my child at risk (however quiet the road or good her driving was you can't assume every other driver will be paying attention/not drink driving/etc).. If she didn't think there was an issue why didn't she put her child in the middle seat?

LittleMysSister · 09/11/2021 13:15

@Pleasestopshoutingimrighthere I don't think it's that people don't understand risk, most are saying just that it was a hastily-made, poor decision but it's done now and OP doesn't need to remain focussed on it or take it any further, beyond not letting her child travel with this person again.

LittleGwyneth · 09/11/2021 13:17

I think you're being a bit precious. She was fine, nothing went wrong. You're not going to have her in the car with this person again. Chalk it up to an experience you didn't like and won't repeat, move on.

timestheyarechanging · 09/11/2021 16:54

@bookworm
Completely agree!
Kids riding bikes- yep my son (aged 11) and ending up needing several stitches in his knee. Took his helmet off as soon as he knew I was out of sight. He's 16 now and doesn't even remember it being remotely scary.
Daughter fell off her pony (aged 10) wearing body and head protection - am I a bad mum?
Son broke his collar bone playing football - I don't blame his coach.
At the park - swing fell back into my nephews face whilst I was looking after him and knocked a tooth out - thankfully my sister didn't grass me to the police!

FatBettyintheCoop · 09/11/2021 16:55

@Kitkat151

No, it’s not called making a risk assessment, judgement call or any other minimising phrase. There is no (parental) choice about whether to use a seat belt or not.

IT IS ILLEGAL to not belt up in a car and is therefore a CRIMINAL OFFENCE.

Would you be equally as blasé if a friend took your child on a trip and drove at 120mph on the motorway for shits and giggles? That’s illegal too for reasons to do with safety.

Also, I don’t know any parents at my son’s primary school that don’t use child car seats. Why would you choose not to?

I guess the one thing this thread demonstrates is that virtually none of you have ever been involved in a RTA. If any of you minimisers had ever been hurt in a car accident (like I have), or seen the after at of a serious accident, there’s no way you’d be happy with this situation for your child.

timestheyarechanging · 09/11/2021 16:58

Essentially - do not let your child go in the car again if you're worried about her car situation. Job done. No harm done.

No need to make, what was probably a very stressed woman, feel bad when she's trying to help others out- she probably feels bad enough now you've berated her.

FlatCheese · 09/11/2021 17:50

For those saying it's no problem because nothing happened, why are you also saying not to let the DD travel with her again? If it's fine not to have a seatbelt that one time, why bother with them at all? Just drive carefully, right?

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 17:53

@FlatCheese

For those saying it's no problem because nothing happened, why are you also saying not to let the DD travel with her again? If it's fine not to have a seatbelt that one time, why bother with them at all? Just drive carefully, right?
Because it's irresponsible to do it as a rule, but more understandable to do it once when you're in a tight spot.

Personally I wouldn't stop her going with her again, but OP clearly has a big issue with this, that's why I advised not to let her DD travel with her again.

Remmy123 · 09/11/2021 17:58

9 year olds do not need car seats surely??

Wheelz46 · 09/11/2021 17:58

Aside from it actually been illegal to not wear a seatbelt, how anyone can say someone driving slowly is low risk. What if it impacted another car that happened to be speeding!

I am baffled at these comments, I really hope the posters are not actually serious!

Porcupineintherough · 09/11/2021 18:01

@Remmy123 read the thread. Or even, you know, the law.