To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

YABU my parents always picked me up and your post reads as if you don’t like your daughter very much.

I feel sorry for your husband. He is between a rock and a hard place! It’s the gesture that probably means a lot to your daughter..for whatever reason you two are at loggerheads and Dad is piggy in the middle!

To quote a very well used MN phrase - you have a DH problem. He isnt helping her at all in saying how high when she says jump.

He is being unloving in allowing her to think this is the way people should be treated. A parent should help their child to see how for every action there is a reaction - for good or bad. His reaction to her rudeness and demanding nature is to go along with it "for a quiet life". That NEVER works out. He is being quite cruel in his behaviour towards her.

@LettertoHermoine

It’s Christmas, time for families to get together and have fun. Let him get her, bring her home and get on with the festivities. Let her get the train home the next time but Christmas is special and a time for kindness and starting fresh.

He is collecting here and yes sounds good!

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring

To quote a very well used MN phrase - you have a DH problem. He isnt helping her at all in saying how high when she says jump.

He is being unloving in allowing her to think this is the way people should be treated. A parent should help their child to see how for every action there is a reaction - for good or bad. His reaction to her rudeness and demanding nature is to go along with it "for a quiet life". That NEVER works out. He is being quite cruel in his behaviour towards her.

I had a similar conversation with him.

Not the responses I was expecting. Bloody hell, it’s “mean and nasty” to ask an adult to get the train?

Let him go. 3.5 hours of chatting might get to the bottom of why she’s not being very nice at the moment. It’s been (and continues to be) a bloody tough time for young adults at uni at the moment.

@User7312019

YABU my parents always picked me up and your post reads as if you don’t like your daughter very much.

I don’t right now

FWIW, OP, entitled young adults can stay that way and if you're not careful you'll be thought of as the villain of the piece forevermore.

This is the sort of thing my DM did and my DSis still holds it against her. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but unless your DH presents a united front with you, you'll end up cast as the wicked witch of the west to his Knight in shining armour.

I used to get a taxi to the airport, fly to london, get the train, the tube and a bus and let myself in when I got home. My parents were very supportive I just understood that it was my job to get home. Yanbu (this wasn’t that long ago only 10 years!)

Gobsmacked at people saying pick her.

At her age I travelled from London to Paris on Eurostar and then cross country by train with two massive suitcases in tow.

Dd is a snowflake and needs to grow up.

I just loved time alone with my dad as the eldest and being a dads girl. Maybe he wants to spend the time with her.

Really disgusting that people are calling the OP nasty.

It's absolutely normal to encourage independence in young adults - it's not 'nasty' to help them behave in ways that will allow them to develop into rounded human beings not always dependent on their parents.

At a certain point you don't do things just because you 'could' and you teach them to think about others.

I was at uni 20 years ago and it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask for a lift for holidays - there were trains and we enjoyed the independence.

Of course in some situations it's nice and enjoyable all round for parents to pick kids up - but the idea that the op is 'nasty' and mean for setting totally normal expectations of a young adult is for me a sign of how infantalised so many young people are now.

@tallduckandhandsome

Gobsmacked at people saying pick her.

At her age I travelled from London to Paris on Eurostar and then cross country by train with two massive suitcases in tow.

Dd is a snowflake and needs to grow up.

People aren’t telling the OP to pick her up. They’re saying that it’s not up to her if her DH picks her up or not.

FGS !! I have seven. They can all cook , shop, clean and look after themselves because I started training them from secondary school as cannot abide weedy kids. ! They only way I would go and collect is if it did not inconvenience me ... and the other DC !

Yes it's been tough for young adults - but one of the things Covid has delayed is the great joy that comes from growing up and being independent. She will come home and presumably be fed, watered, looked after for two weeks - part of growing up is you don't always get lifts everywhere.

I can't understand why so many parents drive so many miles to ferry their DC around. Railcards were invented for a reason. Has COP 26 passed you all by? No wonder the motorways are so busy.
My DS chose Belfast as his first Uni. DH took him on day 1 with all his luggage. Thereafter DS had to fly home and catch the bus and train to/ from the airport. At the end of Yr 1 he moved all his stuff by taxi into a storage facility before flying home. His next Uni was on the mainland but 3hr drive away (6hrs round trip) - and 4hrs by train (1 or 2 changes depending on time). No way would we drive there without good reason (ie bringing all belongings home or at the peak of Covid).
And for the record DS has ASD and has managed to do this. He too can have an entitled attitude but wouldn't dream of demanding he was collected and returned just because he couldn't be bothered to carry a small amount of luggage.

I'm aware you don't want any advice on this. You dislike her, you want to punish her until she magically becomes what you want her to be or clears off. So I'm writing this in the hope someone else reading this listens.

As the older sister of an emotionally needy (favourite, charming) younger sibling, I was very aware that my needs would never, ever come first. In your daughter's case they often can't, of course, but that doesn't alter how it feels. She's grown up seeing you put her younger siblings ahead of her. She knows asking nicely for things, waiting her turn, stepping back, being quiet gets her NOTHING. It just makes her easier to overlook. So she acts entitled. She demands it, because sometimes that actually works.

She knows full well that you dislike her. She won't know that you love her underneath that. How can she? She can't see that. So why bother being nice to you? If you already dislike her? It's just handing you ammo, opening her up to being hurt or ignored even more. Even if it's not true from your perspective it is from hers.

Living at university she'll be picking up what other families are like. Flatmates/hall mates talk a lot, especially drunk. She will see families who always pick their kids up, who actively WANT to chat on the phone, who post care packages, who turn up for a day out - and she won't notice the families that don't. She's going to double down on the entitled behaviour because she's seeing so much divide between what she wants and what she gets!

My mum made me catch the train or coach. My dad drove to pick me up when he could, against her wishes, and we chatted on the way home and reconnected. They're some of my best memories of my dad. When mum put her foot down and wouldn't let him pick me up any more I stopped going home other than the mandatory few days over Christmas. Why would I? I clearly wasn't wanted. At 20 you think in absolutes.

I have to say that I love my dead dad a damn sight more than my live mum. I have no desire to see her any more. Why would I? But if I had the chance I'd travel across the world to see my dad for an hour, if only to pay back the times her did the looong drive straight after work on an empty stomach so I wouldn't have to sit in empty halls longer than necessary.

I used to do a 8 hour round trip several times a year on the train to pick up a relative. I would leave my 3 young dc's behind who also had SN. If their other parent told me I couldn't go because they would be left with the dc's for the day they would have been told to get over themselves. No different to me being stuck at home all day with them whilst he worked.

It’s not unreasonable for her to take the train home at all if that suited all parties concerned. But don’t say your DH shouldn’t go when he wants to - it’s like you’re punishing your DD (and what you perceive to be her poor behaviour) in a roundabout way by making her life more unnecessarily difficult. My DM used to do this and it’s toxic.

I can't understand why so many parents drive so many miles to ferry their DC around

Because if you haven’t seen you child for a while or you have a busy life and other commitments that take away that quality time, it's a happy thing to do.

Not every parent cuts off time and support to their child the second they turn 18.

@Doje

Could you do the journey, and let DH take the kids? It could be quite nice - radio on for the way there and a catch up on the way home.

However, I don't think you need to go. I always made my way back for Christmas.

This was my thought but I am still reading the thread.

My mum, but mostly dad, often collected me, before the M25 so a drive through central london. One year we were stuck in traffic by Harrods. 24 hours later to the minute the IRA bomb went off.

My DC are unlikely to attend uni - but the idea of several hours in a car with them really appeals. A perfect time to chat!!

Looking forward to finding out why you wont do the drive!

People aren’t telling the OP to pick her up. They’re saying that it’s not up to her if her DH picks her up or not.

It is if OP is expected to look after the 3 kids, two of which have SEN.

Or do you see OP as default parent?

I know it's now resolved, but just want to offer solidarity, OP.

I had a similar conversation with one of my DC at university the other day (though he's actually very nice and agreeable, and was just trying it on - he caught a train).

His sister, on the other hand, is capable of being civil when she wants something (such as a lift home or back to university), but is otherwise quite foul. I love her dearly, obviously - as you do your DD - but am basically waiting for her to grow up and turn back into the lovely person she was when she was a little girl. I would never have imagined saying this when she was small.

Leaving aside the way our children behave, it's very odd that so many parents are prepared to drive for miles to collect adult children from university. My dad, who is sweet and lovely and would do anything for us, did two university runs per year - one at the start of the academic year, and one at the end of it (when we had so much stuff that it wasn't feasible to do it by train). All the interim visits home were by train. I wouldn't remotely have expected him to drive me just because.

What’s the problem if he wants to pick up his daughter? so weird