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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/11/2021 19:12

Crikey I travelled from North East to london and then flew out to America by myself yanbu

Fruitygal · 08/11/2021 19:12

If it was me! I would go and pick her up and leave DH with the other kids. A lovely podcast or audio book on the way up with nice snacks and peace and quiet!

Viviennemary · 08/11/2021 19:12

Of course he should pick her up as he obviously wants to. Three trains sounds an absolute nightmare. Stop being a meanie.

UhOhOops · 08/11/2021 19:12

I was a 7 hour round trip at uni. The only time I ever got a lift was when I started in the first year. Train, tube, coach, train, bus.

Dd can get herself home.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 08/11/2021 19:12

I look forward to collecting DD-last time it was around 7 hours for me round trip but the chatter more than makes up for it.

Her journey a nightmare by trains, tube and more trains and she always has tonnes of stuff but TBH I am happy to do it.

It's a great time to catch up, chat and hear all sorts of stories that seems to come out in the car.

But I don't have little ones at home so I understand you feel a bit aggrieved at that but it all goes by so so quickly-

I'd love to slow down time-I've not got that many more chances to pick her up from Uni and she is my youngest so I cherish it all... know that sounds a bit syrupy but it is true

DollyPartBaked · 08/11/2021 19:13

I voted YABU.

I was never picked up and my friends were and it always made me feel a bit shit tbh. Also we had exams in January so I'd have one bag of clothes but then folders for my work and text books and a lap top back (lap tops were heavier then) and I'd have to drag all this stuff home. It wasn't easy.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/11/2021 19:14

Gosh I'm 38 and my Dad still sometimes gives me a lift home (8 hours round trip) if your husband is happy to do it I think its a bit mean to 'tell' him not to.

Furrydogmum · 08/11/2021 19:14

My friend has a daughter like yours, she was awful to her mum, so mum would lay it on the line, then dad would save his little girl and it just continued. She's mid 20's now and I still can't bear to spend time with her. To be fair I think friend almost enjoyed her DH stepping into the ring so dd could get her own way - boiled my piss and the thought of it still does!

Seasidemumma77 · 08/11/2021 19:15

My dc know they get dropped off at start and a pick up at the end, all holidays they use public transport

Benjispruce5 · 08/11/2021 19:15

Always use trainsplits for cheaper fares too.Wink

EveningOverRooftops · 08/11/2021 19:15

I left home at 16 and had to get myself to and from uni AND find short term accommodation for the summer break as I had no family to go back to. (I became a live in pet sitter. My most genius idea for the summer)

Your DD can manage to do it. She needs to do it in fact. It’s a steep learning curve but one that’s well worth it. A life skill in fact.

Hell I managed to do it after being booked and paid onto a ghost coach at one of the tiny coach stops not a coach station by national express meaning I had to zig zag the country a bit via other coaches so my journey took 2.5x longer as I was dropped and picked up from stops so other coaches and bemused drivers could get me to the next stop. It was one crazy journey and I got a full refund, meal voucher at the long wait in Bristol for the next coach going to where I was supposed to and a free ticket for my next journey.

Whoever figured out my route and contacted all those drivers to make sure they picked me up and dropped me off in the right place was an absolute star.

A few ‘challenges’ would help her grow up a bit, I’m sure Grin

RoyKentsHairyBack · 08/11/2021 19:16

Hah - bitterness alert here. My dad would drop me off and pick me up at the end of each academic year but in the year I would have to get the train.

My brother got picked up and dropped off every term.

The slight mitigating factor here was I moved the other side of the country which was an awful awful drive with very little motorway access so a 10 hour round trip on a good day. My brother was 2 hours up the m5/m6 and my dad liked the time to himself and often got to my brothers flat before 9 as he was an early bird.

I wouldn't pick her up for Christmas if it's an arse ache tbh as she's old enough to get herself back but it is a nice thing to do if you can.

Beautiful3 · 08/11/2021 19:16

Perhaps meet her half way? Or as a previous poster stated, send her a pull along suitcase via amazon.

Tilltheend99 · 08/11/2021 19:17

Yet again people in the replies are living on another planet.

Getting three trains is fine. I once took three trains from down south up to Wirral to stay with my gran at a similar age. It was fine.

That was only about 15 years ago but apparently it is unreasonable to expect adult children to do things for themselves now Hmm

If you were making her pay I’d say UABU as train fairs has tripled in that time but you would be paying so it’s perfectly reasonable.

Travel tip make sure she keeps some basics at home still like make up remover, clean toothbrush, spare knickers and so. Then she will have less stuff to lug back and forth on the train.

LowlandLucky · 08/11/2021 19:17

She is a 20 year old woman. Time she grew up

ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 19:18

@Tilltheend99

Yet again people in the replies are living on another planet.

Getting three trains is fine. I once took three trains from down south up to Wirral to stay with my gran at a similar age. It was fine.

That was only about 15 years ago but apparently it is unreasonable to expect adult children to do things for themselves now Hmm

If you were making her pay I’d say UABU as train fairs has tripled in that time but you would be paying so it’s perfectly reasonable.

Travel tip make sure she keeps some basics at home still like make up remover, clean toothbrush, spare knickers and so. Then she will have less stuff to lug back and forth on the train.

Yes, taking 3 trains is fine. Done it many times myself. But her dad has offered to pick her up, so what’s the issue?
LynetteScavo · 08/11/2021 19:18

My DS had a similar uni journey. I would always collect him. If you don't want to there's always the train, but if your DH wants to them you'll just have to deal with your younger DC alone. It sounds like you don't want to spend time with any of your DC, so I'm guessing there is much more going on than you've posted about.

Grendalsmum · 08/11/2021 19:18

I pick my DSs up, it's about a 6 or 7 hour round trip but l like driving, l have a load of music and audio books on my phone, and l like the catch-up chat and traditional sneaky KFC on the way home. My parents expected me to make my own way to and fro and it's a loving gesture from me to my kids that l pick them up. They do lots of solo pinging around as well, so they're not totally pampered and useless! Grin

Turtles25 · 08/11/2021 19:18

Do you drive op? If so, it would be a good opportunity for you to pick her up. It sounds like you both need to work on your mother-daughter relationship. What better way to do it than be stuck in a car together for 3.5nhours. Smile

LettertoHermoine · 08/11/2021 19:18

It’s Christmas, time for families to get together and have fun. Let him get her, bring her home and get on with the festivities. Let her get the train home the next time but Christmas is special and a time for kindness and starting fresh.

Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 19:19

@Wills

Like you I have 4 dcs, but 2 are now at Uni. Also 3 of them have SEN (ADHD/ASP/Dyspraxia). My husband works abroad 6 to 10 weeks at a time with 2 weeks home.

I’M TOTALLY WITH YOU!!!! I absolutely loved the poster who said that your daughter should have considered distance when they chose their Uni. I only ‘go to get them’ for definite beginning and end of the year when all their stuff has to come home! Aside from that there would have to be a ‘special’ reason for me to go any other way. As it is, DC2 is struggling with settling into Uni so I’ve been up (by train) to help her settle and will go and get her because there’s a Xmas Market that DC4 would adore and things have been tough recently so this way I’m treating both of them. She already understands that she’ll be making her own way back. I think you need to sit down and discuss this with her face to face and set ground rules.

To those MNs called the OP mean - seriously? Either you don’t have many/any entitled teens yet OR you have far too much time on your hands!

Flowers
OP posts:
eustonwehaveaproblem · 08/11/2021 19:19

@DollyPartBaked

I voted YABU.

I was never picked up and my friends were and it always made me feel a bit shit tbh. Also we had exams in January so I'd have one bag of clothes but then folders for my work and text books and a lap top back (lap tops were heavier then) and I'd have to drag all this stuff home. It wasn't easy.

Come off it. What's wrong with something being 'not easy?'

A few years ago I took a toddler, a four year old, a rucksack and a dog on a long train journey and we were fine (stranger next to me held the dog while I took the DC to the toilet, which was kind).

What on earth is wrong with a 20 year old not having a completely easy life? Resilience is important!

Crunchymum · 08/11/2021 19:19

I think if you'd asked a different question
(IE "AIBU to not want us to do our DD a massive favour when she behaves horribly towards me?") you would have got very different responses.

You don't really explain what the issue is though? What is it your DD does / doesn't do?

It sounds as though you are annoyed as your DH doesn't have your back, which is a valid, but separate issue.

Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 19:20

@LynetteScavo

My DS had a similar uni journey. I would always collect him. If you don't want to there's always the train, but if your DH wants to them you'll just have to deal with your younger DC alone. It sounds like you don't want to spend time with any of your DC, so I'm guessing there is much more going on than you've posted about.
Wow massive wrong assumption there!!!
OP posts:
MadeOfStarStuff · 08/11/2021 19:20

If DH wants to then let him crack on but YANBU

I only got lifts to uni at the beginning and end of each year when I had all my stuff, Christmas, easter and any other trips home were by train. I was about 4 hours away by car, 6-7 hours by public transport.