Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Lotusmonster · 08/11/2021 19:44

If she’s first year, first term, what with Covid …I think I’d go get her…In fact I’m planning to - one from Sheffield and one from York - I’m in London.
I assume you’ve visited her during the term? If you haven’t at all then saying get the train back is a bit mean at Xmas in my honest opinion.

I don’t always pick my DC up from Uni, but if I can and it feels right then I do so.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 08/11/2021 19:44

@Tilltheend99

Yet again people in the replies are living on another planet.

Getting three trains is fine. I once took three trains from down south up to Wirral to stay with my gran at a similar age. It was fine.

That was only about 15 years ago but apparently it is unreasonable to expect adult children to do things for themselves now Hmm

If you were making her pay I’d say UABU as train fairs has tripled in that time but you would be paying so it’s perfectly reasonable.

Travel tip make sure she keeps some basics at home still like make up remover, clean toothbrush, spare knickers and so. Then she will have less stuff to lug back and forth on the train.

You're missing the point though as are man others. This isn't about generations vs generations or what she can/can't or should/shouldn't do, the simple fact is the DH has said yes as many other parents may have in the same situation.
Derbee · 08/11/2021 19:44

@Wondergirl100

Really disgusting that people are calling the OP nasty.

It's absolutely normal to encourage independence in young adults - it's not 'nasty' to help them behave in ways that will allow them to develop into rounded human beings not always dependent on their parents.

At a certain point you don't do things just because you 'could' and you teach them to think about others.

I was at uni 20 years ago and it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask for a lift for holidays - there were trains and we enjoyed the independence.

Of course in some situations it's nice and enjoyable all round for parents to pick kids up - but the idea that the op is 'nasty' and mean for setting totally normal expectations of a young adult is for me a sign of how infantalised so many young people are now.

I called the OP nasty. It wasn’t just about picking her DD up, it was sounding petty by saying “she’s mean to me” and “her attitude stinks”. Also nasty saying she doesn’t like her, but I guess that passed you by...

Nothing about being infantilised. At 15 I was flying across the world alone, between school and home. But when my parents were back living in the UK, I was picked up from uni so I could bring all my things home too.

I still go and pick people up from airports etc because its easier for them, and it’s a lovely time to be together chatting in the car etc.

Opalfeet · 08/11/2021 19:44

Can't believe all the posts saying harsh...wtaf! She's 20 years old, of course she can catch a train. If she needs a bigger case I'm sure she can find one cheap somewhere or check the second hand shops

Bluemoononkentucky · 08/11/2021 19:44

I am thinking she wants some alone time with her father without your disapproving presence.

If she's picking up what you're putting out, no wonder she is being shitty with you.

Is she breaking free of your control, being away from you, and you don't like it.

Why should you get to dictate what your husband does? Is he not an adult, free to do as he would like.

DameMaureen · 08/11/2021 19:45

@Thesandwichyears

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays. Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

Does your husband not work ? Are you not used to "holding the fort solo" ?
DelphineDeneuve · 08/11/2021 19:46

Just a further thought. I have been a SAHM for over 20 years, and honestly don't feel the need to be cooped up with my adult children in a car. I am well and truly in the picture about their lives. They spend half the bloody year here, when they're not physically at university. They come home at the start of December and go back mid January. That's quite enough time for us to "catch up" and bond as a family.

CoffeeAndKittens · 08/11/2021 19:46

It is if OP is expected to look after the 3 kids, two of which have SEN.

Or do you see OP as default parent?

So if it was the OP who wanted to collect her daughter and her husband who didn't want to stay at home with the children, would your answer be the same?

CallMeMabel · 08/11/2021 19:47

I was expecting to think YABU but after reading your post and updates I don't think you are at all. It seems to me that you're not begrudging your DH picking her up but upset that he's pandering to her demands while she treats you like dirt...and that it leaves you under pressure looking after the SEN kids on your own all day.
I'm wondering if she's nice to him, just not you and he's quite pleased about that.

Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 19:48

@DelphineDeneuve

Just a further thought. I have been a SAHM for over 20 years, and honestly don't feel the need to be cooped up with my adult children in a car. I am well and truly in the picture about their lives. They spend half the bloody year here, when they're not physically at university. They come home at the start of December and go back mid January. That's quite enough time for us to "catch up" and bond as a family.
Totally!!
OP posts:
AandWsMum · 08/11/2021 19:48

To be fair of it was for the holidays I would pick my kids up - my parents did for me. Usually for longer holidays like Xmas you need quite a bit of stuff, I used to bring back all my washing at Xmas 😂

DH can use the drive to have a catch up… and maybe he could have a word about her bad attitude without the pressure of being around everyone? She might have time to think about it a bit more and it could be of benefit.

Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 19:49

Lol to parents who never dislike their dcsHmm Well done you

OP posts:
MsAnnFrope · 08/11/2021 19:50

Yanbu I’m thinking a 20yr old can perfectly well get a train home. I think it’s good to encourage kids to be independent, I travelled independently from age 17 onwards.
But you sound like you don’t like your daughter and you have issues with her relationship with her dad. Speaking as a daughter whose mum was open about her jealousy when my dad was nice to me/did stuff for me that takes a looooooong time to heal from. What does your DD do which is so bad?

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 19:50

@Bluemoononkentucky

I am thinking she wants some alone time with her father without your disapproving presence.

If she's picking up what you're putting out, no wonder she is being shitty with you.

Is she breaking free of your control, being away from you, and you don't like it.

Why should you get to dictate what your husband does? Is he not an adult, free to do as he would like.

And why should the H dictate to OP that she has to take care of the 3 kids, two with sen, so he can indulge himself and their adult daughter.
HireStarter · 08/11/2021 19:50

She's his child so really your opinion on it is irrelevant. If he's happy to collect her then that's what he'll do.

I get why you don't want to and given she's rude to you, why you wouldn't/shouldn't. But your husband can do what he likes to support his child

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 19:51

@CoffeeAndKittens

It is if OP is expected to look after the 3 kids, two of which have SEN.

Or do you see OP as default parent?

So if it was the OP who wanted to collect her daughter and her husband who didn't want to stay at home with the children, would your answer be the same?

Of course.
whynotwhatknot · 08/11/2021 19:52

she demanded to be picked up thats the point

whether her dad wants to do it or not its the entitlement

Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 19:53

@Bluemoononkentucky

I am thinking she wants some alone time with her father without your disapproving presence.

If she's picking up what you're putting out, no wonder she is being shitty with you.

Is she breaking free of your control, being away from you, and you don't like it.

Why should you get to dictate what your husband does? Is he not an adult, free to do as he would like.

Ok yeah Confused
OP posts:
SuperbFoolish · 08/11/2021 19:53

If you're dh wants to go let him. It might be a really nice bonding time for them both.
But.. She is more than capable of doing the journey by herself. 20 Yr old catch planes, move abroad, get married, have babies and all the rest. She's a grown up.

whynotwhatknot · 08/11/2021 19:54

Are you not allowed to dislike your children on mn-shes nasty because her daughter has an attitude problem i mean really?

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 19:54

Ok yeah Confused

Yeah that was a weird post 🤣

ChuckGarabedian · 08/11/2021 19:54

I’m actually with you on this OP. My siblings and I never as adults expected our parents to make a journey to collect us that we could reasonably make ourselves by public transport, and I wouldn’t say any of us held it against them. It’s the expectation/sense of entitlement from your daughter that I gather is grating on you most?

C8H10N4O2 · 08/11/2021 19:55

Why should you get to dictate what your husband does? Is he not an adult, free to do as he would like

You might want to read the OP's first post.

thefirstmrsrochester · 08/11/2021 19:58

YABU to dictate to your husband what he can and cannot do.

Yes she can get a bigger suitcase, yes she can get public transport but your DH wants to do the round trip.

Her general attitude is a different issue, and should be dealt with as such.

TheWeeDonkey · 08/11/2021 19:58

Are you not allowed to dislike your children on mn

Sure, you're allowed to dislike your kids. I'm not sure why she's coming home for Christmas TBF, I'm sure there are plenty of other options where she could feel more welcome / have a better time and the five of you will have a less stressful time too.