To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

@frogsbreath

She makes her own way home, then if she's not a dick over Christmas your DH can drive her back. If her attitude stinks then she can go back on her own too.

She's not made of glass! She will be fine, tonnes of travellers use a pull along suitcase and a backpack and just get on.

That sounds a plan although not sure I could follow through.

Thanks for all the constructive comments. As I said above, DH collecting her but she is making her own way back.

@frogsbreath

She makes her own way home, then if she's not a dick over Christmas your DH can drive her back. If her attitude stinks then she can go back on her own too.

She's not made of glass! She will be fine, tonnes of travellers use a pull along suitcase and a backpack and just get on.

Except the DH has a say in it too, obviously.

The fireworks if the sexes were the other way round in this debate...

If he’s happy to go let him, if he doesn’t want to she can get the train. I did say to DD the other day “thank god you didn’t want to do your course at Exeter, because I wouldn’t have been coming to visit often”

DD was half an hour away, her DB was 90 minutes away, that was enough for us, both got regular visits and lifts too and from uni at breaks.

He wants to pick her up and she wants to be picked up- what's the problem?

@Thesandwichyears why not? I think @frogsbreath puts the onus on your DD there. Nothing wrong with earning your reward.

I tend to agree with you on this as an awful lot of this generation believe it's their God given right to be ferried everywhere! Are us parents not allowed a life too? I'm sure if you both work you tend to need a bit of "down time" too?
When I was of teenage+ years I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my working Father to drive me around. I travelled to all my places of education, trips out with friends etc etc although my awesome late Mother constantly worried as she couldn't drive but always accompanied me with medical appointments etc.
My grown children also had this attitude and it really infuriated me as they believed I should have just dropped everything and come running.....however, my big mistake was giving in most times just to prevent further hassle. I worked my fingers to the bone to give my kids everything I could and they are both ungrateful.
Maybe DH is picking her up for a quiet life as to avoid any consequences? It's a tricky position. I've been there and feel for you.

I was always a flight away from home at uni, so only got picked up or dropped off at the end of the year. Usually by my brother. I also did a year abroad and did it by plane, so only had what I could take in a case.

I was a total spoilt princess at that age too, but even I could cope with getting myself home for Christmas and not acting like a dick when I got there.

Yanbu

I totally get not wanting to be left unnecessarily for a day with 3 children who are challenging. You might do more of the parenting anyway and it's a tiring time of year with Christmas preparation, which might also mainly fall on you.

I stood at the window watching for my eldest who had moved away. She drove home on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas with us. I thought my heart would burst when I saw her drive round the corner into our street.

My parents didn't ever do it and honestly it was part of a wider culture of not feeling like they did much parenting towards me. We have an amazing relationship as adults, but when I was 18 I still really needed someone to parent me, and they didn't do that. I felt sad about it then and I feel a little sad about it now.

@Thesandwichyears

Also, its the fact she demands a lift and expects it.

I was about to post that it depends on how she asked. We sometimes picked up our DDs and sometimes they made their own way. But the times we picked them up, it was either our idea to, or them asking if it might be possible because (good reason) and being appreciative when we said yes.

If it was an entitled demand, no doubt we'd have felt differently about it.

@Conran3

I tend to agree with you on this as an awful lot of this generation believe it's their God given right to be ferried everywhere! Are us parents not allowed a life too? I'm sure if you both work you tend to need a bit of "down time" too? When I was of teenage+ years I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my working Father to drive me around. I travelled to all my places of education, trips out with friends etc etc although my awesome late Mother constantly worried as she couldn't drive but always accompanied me with medical appointments etc. My grown children also had this attitude and it really infuriated me as they believed I should have just dropped everything and come running.....however, my big mistake was giving in most times just to prevent further hassle. I worked my fingers to the bone to give my kids everything I could and they are both ungrateful. Maybe DH is picking her up for a quiet life as to avoid any consequences? It's a tricky position. I've been there and feel for you.

The quiet life bit rings true

Shes told him, hes picking her up

My DH and I work full time but don’t have kids with SEN only a dog and my DS was a 13 hour round trip (in the unlikely event of good traffic) and that’s assuming he literally jumped in the car when we pulled up and we drove off immediately! I was always happy to take him up and bring him back at the start/end of every year but I wouldn’t have gone and got him at Xmas instead we paid for the train which could be a mere 7 1:2 hours and four changes or as on one occasion a 12 1/2 journey and it still required us to meet him from the station a 1 1/4 hour round trip. He chose to be miles away (I’ve no problem with this) but I also expected from day 1 him to shift for himself some of the time. Ifyour DH has nothing better to do fancies a drive and wants some time with your DD great but there’s absolutely no reason why she can’t get home under her own steam either.

I'd agree to pick up by car on the understanding that she returns by train. I am finding my 21 year old daughter far more exasperating now than I ever have before! I suspect it's having adult expectations with a teenage mindset.
I have had some of my most interesting conversations with my children on long journeys - there's something about being in an enclosed space without eye contact that makes us able to talk more openly - so she way have something bothering her that she wants to talk through with her dad.

Like you I have 4 dcs, but 2 are now at Uni. Also 3 of them have SEN (ADHD/ASP/Dyspraxia). My husband works abroad 6 to 10 weeks at a time with 2 weeks home.

I’M TOTALLY WITH YOU!!!! I absolutely loved the poster who said that your daughter should have considered distance when they chose their Uni. I only ‘go to get them’ for definite beginning and end of the year when all their stuff has to come home! Aside from that there would have to be a ‘special’ reason for me to go any other way. As it is, DC2 is struggling with settling into Uni so I’ve been up (by train) to help her settle and will go and get her because there’s a Xmas Market that DC4 would adore and things have been tough recently so this way I’m treating both of them. She already understands that she’ll be making her own way back. I think you need to sit down and discuss this with her face to face and set ground rules.

To those MNs called the OP mean - seriously? Either you don’t have many/any entitled teens yet OR you have far too much time on your hands!

DD is 4hrs alway so an 8 he round trip and very tiring without an overnight stay which adds expense. DD is 3 rd year. We have taken her back at start of year apart from this year when she got a lift. She gets train(1or 2 changes) at other times, we pay and have paid for her young persons railcard.

As you don’t want to spend time alone with your younger children, why don’t you pick your DD up? You get half the journey in peace and quiet and the return half is when you can have a catch up which you might enjoy.

I’d go pick her up.

I think you're being a bit mean, to be honest. She's 20 and he's her dad who is happy to drive 3.5 hours to get her.

3 trains home sounds a pain in the arse and a long journey. And she's been away all term.

My grown children also had this attitude and it really infuriated me as they believed I should have just dropped everything and come running.....however, my big mistake was giving in most times just to prevent further hassle. I worked my fingers to the bone to give my kids everything I could and they are both ungrateful.

They are a product of their parenting.

When I was 18 yes old I was on placement (healthcare degree) in a rundown nurses home accommodation in Sunderland. I had proper flu for the first time in my life. I survived on Pot Noodles for 2 weeks! Also drove myself to placements and home most weekends as I had a part time job.

That was 25 years ago, my parents were marvellous but only did first day and packing up at end of term.

Also, the train is 2.5 hrs so it’s a no brainer!

Or to mention better for the environment!