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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:

JurgensCakeBaby · 08/11/2021 23:07

My dad used to come and get me (London to Durham) , a few times I got a train, Megabus or even flew (the days of £10 flights) , but he'd always offer. We'd go for lunch with my housemates then set off, once I could drive he'd let me drive his car home. It was really nice catching up.

Tightwad2020 · 08/11/2021 23:08

Is she in halls/house where she can leave her stuff? In my day, we had to pack up everything for every vacation, so it was a lot of stuff to take on a train, and my parents generally picked me up. However, my son's contract is for 43 uninterrupted weeks, and he can leave his stuff there. He's had the foresight to leave a fair bit of stuff here too, so a suitcase plus duffle bag will suffice. Also he hates long car journeys and would rather do the train. It's good for independence, and it's greener to go by train! So I'd be encouraging the train on those grounds.

But you sound right hacked off with her - maybe work on that?

JurgensCakeBaby · 08/11/2021 23:10

Oh and I've worked from the age of fifteen so definitely not helpless! It's ok to just do something nice for your child even if they are over eighteen

Bizawit · 08/11/2021 23:10

Three trains carrying uni stuff for a whole term sounds like a lot!!! I think you are being really harsh. My parents always picked me up.

Kite22 · 08/11/2021 23:19

I've got 4, all have been to uni, three have had lifts at various times one had his own car. I think car journeys are a great time for chatting, I've certainly found that with mine.

Similar to us. Middle one had her own car. Eldest and youngest have both made their way home on own at various times, and dh has collected them mostly. dh quite likes driving, and I think quite likes the time together to chat, which they don't do so much of once dc are home.
If your dh is happy to go, I can't see why you have any issue with it.

SiobhanSharpe · 08/11/2021 23:27

I do understand why the OP doesn't want anyone to pick up her DD from university on this occasion,
It's because she expected, even demanded, to be driven. That would stick in my craw too. she probably won't be appreciative or grateful afterwards for it either.
DS was at Durham, four hours away from us, so it was an eight hour round trip in the car. DH or I did often pick him up but he also got the train on several occasions and even went by plane a couple of times.
The huge difference was that he never expected a lift as of right, and he was always very grateful if he was picked up. Q
(Also he had passed his driving test so if I drove up to get him he would drive back and I could sit back and relax..... ish) .

icansmellyourbaffies · 08/11/2021 23:37

i used to get the train from Cambridge and then get a family to collect me from the station near home. Seemed the most practical and fair.

It was impractical to expect a parent to drive into Cambridge City Centre but I also appreciated the lift from the other end instead of trying to board connecting buses which frankly never connected due to timetable changes.

@Thesandwichyears Could you not have a compromise so that she meets DH half way? Or at least as much as she can by train? Then you are not left for houres on end with your 3 younger (2 sen kids) kids.

send her cash to buy a big wheelie suitcase it will be cheaper than funding the fuel and wear n tear on the car.

I got the train, i was fine. grateful for the lift at the other end though.

PrtScn · 08/11/2021 23:38

My parents would take me there start of the year and pick me up end of the year. Anything else e.g. Christmas and I had to get the train.

lkgetuo · 08/11/2021 23:44

I can't figure out WTF is wrong with you. It's not unreasonable to expect a 20 year old to find their own way back from uni. I have a uni age child myself, and this is completely fine. But you don't even have to do anything, her dad is picking her up but you want to dictate to him what he can do. Have you never looked after your other children on your own before? Unless you're both unemployed I don't know how that works where you're both around the kids at all times.

This isn't about your daughter's independence at all. At least be honest about it. This is revenge for her rudeness to you.

Autumnleaves4 · 08/11/2021 23:52

I think end of term pick ups are quite normal and makes your child feel supported. They also do usually have more then you think to bring back. For mid term breaks mine always use the train but end of term is different. Also good one to one time in the car. The best time for chat, all sorts can be revealed.

I appreciate that you are holding the fort nuts it’s only a day and sounds like there will not be a lot of time for your Dd when she is home. What year is she in? You have find she has matured and your relationship improves.

redfairy · 08/11/2021 23:59

Personally I don't see the issue if your husband is fine about it. Maybe she could do part of the journey by train to a halfway point?

YourFinestPantaloons · 09/11/2021 00:00

100% make her travel by train!

campion · 09/11/2021 00:05

It's not really about the practicalities of the journey.
It's about rudeness, thoughtlessness, entitlement and taking others for granted ie her parents.
A bit of that occasionally is one thing; as a regular habit, quite another.

I guess OP would like a bit of a reset on the balance of power.

YourFinestPantaloons · 09/11/2021 00:11

@campion

It's not really about the practicalities of the journey. It's about rudeness, thoughtlessness, entitlement and taking others for granted ie her parents. A bit of that occasionally is one thing; as a regular habit, quite another.

I guess OP would like a bit of a reset on the balance of power.

This

fluffyatemycake · 09/11/2021 00:26

If your husband is offering, let him. Just because you did 3 trains etc doesn't mean you should expect her to. I obviously don't know the background of your relationship with her but it sounds like you don't give a shit either way if she comes back home or not. How do you think that makes her feel? Uni life is hard right now. She's moved away from you for the first time ever. Doesn't know anyone. This is probably the shittest time to be at uni, in the middle of a pandemic. Has she ever made this trip by herself before?? I know you have your own stuff going on at home but come on. She doesn't stop being your child because she moved away.

BritinDelco · 09/11/2021 00:30

Is there a middle ground maybe?
For example when I was at uni (Manchester) I took a suburban line for 30 minutes that shaved up to an hour off my parents drive.

halloweenie13 · 09/11/2021 00:34

When I was studying at uni and even now working I go back to visit around every 2/3 months for anywhere from a few days to a week or so. I always take the trains, tube to kingsx then LNER back up north and will be doing the same at christmas, it would be about a 7 hour round trip for anyone to come and get me etc. It's easily doable by train, I travel with a large suitcase and rucksack and at christmas bring an extra holdall with me to transport everything. Sometimes I don't go directly to my nearest station and someone collects me from a station about 30 mins away because it's usually much cheaper. But especially with petrol prices atm I would get her to get the train.

BadNomad · 09/11/2021 00:52

You should have posted that it was your MIL demanding your husband drive 7 hours to collect her and take her to yours for the holiday. You would have had dozens of responses saying "No way! She's an adult. I wouldn't even pick the CF up from the train station.'

me4real · 09/11/2021 01:09

I absolutely loved the poster who said that your daughter should have considered distance when they chose their Uni.

@Wills I'm sure she did.

Mamanyt · 09/11/2021 01:12

When I was in uni, and because the US has no decent passenger train system, I did 16 hours on a bus, and was fine with it. She'll live.

me4real · 09/11/2021 01:13

The first uni I went to I moved 8 hours away on the train. Because I wasn't close to my family at all so it made no odds, if anything it was an incentive.

BigDaddio · 09/11/2021 01:40

Its a bit unnecessary to collect her for holidays - at the end of year yes. I used to get a train/tube home at holidays and my relatives do it with an animal carrier along with suitcases.

Confusedmeanderings · 09/11/2021 02:39

I was at university way back in the dark ages, well the early 80s anyway, and parents collecting and dropping off just wasn't a thing. I caught the train and it wouldn't have occurred to me to do anything else! Everyone else was just the same.

farnworth · 09/11/2021 05:56

Same as PP.
At uni in late 1980’s, and took 5 - 6 hours to get home, via several trains plus crossing London by tube. (Or I sometimes did part of it by coach and added on hours…..)
I was small and had two big cases each time. I coped! Travelling today on public transport is more comfortable and even easier with improved luggage, the ability to book online, plus mobile phones to call if issues or research options.
I would never have expected my parents, stressed with work and younger siblings, to spend hours driving to collect me. I chose to go to uni, I chose where I went to uni. I felt then, and still do, that going to uni was a wonderful opportunity and that I was lucky to go.
My parents who loved me dearly and who did so much for me did not feel they were terrible parents for not driving me to and fro from university. They helped me mature into adulthood.
Travelling by myself, and coping, was an important part of growing up, being independent, being resilient and knowing I could cope.

So I do think it’s actually good for the OP’s DD to sort out her own travel

PLUS
If she is being entitled, then it is crucial she sorts out her own travel!!

Goatinthegarden · 09/11/2021 06:33

This has just reminded me of all the collections my dad did for me from uni.

I was only an hour and a half away from home, but once a month, he’d drive after work through rush hour traffic on a Friday to collect me and we’d chat all the way home.

I really got to know him as a person, rather than just a dad. He had a whole life before me and it was fascinating.

He was only able to do it about half a dozen times because halfway through my first year of he had a massive brain haemorrhage. He’s never been able to speak as easily, or drive anywhere, since and 17 years later is now in a hospice.

Just let your husband pick her up.

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