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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:

Duckrace · 08/11/2021 22:11

Mine have always got the train. We do the annual house move with them, and they manage the rest. We collect from the station. We are trying to enable them to grow up.

I think the sarky remarks from people about you having sen children to look after alone are either callous , inexperienced with children and teens, teens themselves, or stupid. Or plain nasty. You have a fair point.

Bobsyer · 08/11/2021 22:12

Can someone please articulate why it's mean or cruel or whatever to expect an adult to be able to get a train home from uni?

I'm not sure the '7 hours with other kids' is a valid reason to be upset but I don't know OP or her other kids. It's reason enough to not want to bend over backwards for a daughter who treats her mother like shit. I honestly can't imagine me just jumping to it if any of my kids just demanded I do them a massive favour.

StampOnTheGround · 08/11/2021 22:12

I don't see the problem if your DH is willing to do this? My dad always collected me from
uni for Christmas and Summer - other visits I'd get the train.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 22:13

@Bobsyer

Can someone please articulate why it's mean or cruel or whatever to expect an adult to be able to get a train home from uni?

She’s not asking the OP to do her a favour though. She’s asked her dad to fetch her and he’s said yes. Yea

OhPatti · 08/11/2021 22:14

Why does 'You don't seem to like your daughter/son/DH/MIL/stepchild etc very much' always have to get wheeled out on these threads? I think most of us can safely say that there are times when our loved ones behave in ways that aren't very likeable, however much we love them. Especially young adults.

Benjispruce5 · 08/11/2021 22:14

Not very sensible to drive 7 hrs in a day.

ImInStealthMode · 08/11/2021 22:15

God. My Parents don't drive so I've never had a lift from them of any distance, I can't even fathom asking anyone to do a 7 hour round trip for me.

Absolutely no reason she can't get the train at 20 years old. If she can't or doesn't want to carry everything then she'll just have to bring less; loads of students near me have to fly and then train to and from Uni and they all manage just with what they're able to check in.

Perhaps learning a bit of independence & that she can't always get what she demands will humble her.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 22:15

@Benjispruce5

Not very sensible to drive 7 hrs in a day.

Why?! Lorry drivers do it all the time. As long as you take regular breaks it’s a absolutely fine.

ancientgran · 08/11/2021 22:15

@MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny

Love this idea of "quality one to one time".

Maybe there are lots of 20 yr olds who would tell their dads their innermost secrets, the details of their social lives etc - but in my experience, they plug themselves into their airpods and that's that. They want a free lift that requires no effort beyond sliding into a car seat - not a bonding session.

How many of the people who have commented have actually got children at university?

I've got 4, all have been to uni, three have had lifts at various times one had his own car. I think car journeys are a great time for chatting, I've certainly found that with mine.

Fogormist · 08/11/2021 22:17

Teaching young people that train travel is dangerous and only driving is safe is both ridiculous and terrible for the environment. Young people need to develop these basic skills and to enjoy some independence.
My DC used to travel to boarding school on her own from the age of 14 - 12 hours one way on the train with the tube through London.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 08/11/2021 22:18

Whoops. Hasn’t occurred to me to collect my son from uni for Xmas. Assumed he would get the train. Prob makes me a bad parent

ancientgran · 08/11/2021 22:20

@MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny

I am truly appalled by the learned helplessness that so many people are inflicting on their adult children. It is doing them no favours at all.

Getting a lift home doesn't make you helpless. Some of us actually like our children and look forward to seeing them at the end of term and shock horror some of them actually like us.

My DD had many lifts when at university, didn't stop her working with a project in India one summer or joining in with a university project one summer in Africa. She coped perfectly well living on potato curry 3 times a day for six weeks, she coped with the cockroaches and snakes.

Just think if she's caught a train one time when I gave her a lift she could have done something amazing like..............congratulate herself on catching a train?

MichelleScarn · 08/11/2021 22:21

It's reason enough to not want to bend over backwards for a daughter who treats her mother like shit.
Thing is @Bobsyer op hasn't actually said how her dd is doing this, and is 'out' when pp have asked about this.

amsadandconfused · 08/11/2021 22:29

@MichelleScarn

It's reason enough to not want to bend over backwards for a daughter who treats her mother like shit. Thing is *@Bobsyer* op hasn't actually said how her dd is doing this, and is 'out' when pp have asked about this.

This…the OP has avoided answering any questions about why she thinks her daughter is so awful ! She said her daughter demanded a lift back from Uni bit that could be open to all interpretation. The issue is not that she can’t get the train but that her Dad has agreed to pick up ! Can only presume that Mother and Daughter have lots of other issues,

Hardbackwriter · 08/11/2021 22:31

I think so many people on both sides here are being weird about the train... It isn't a terrible hardship, but nor is it some specialist skill that if she doesn't practice at 20 she'll never master. It's a train! The only valid argument here is about whether the parent thinks it's too long/inconvenient or not, and I don't really see why that would be up to anyone except the one actually being asked to do the journey.

Midlifemusings · 08/11/2021 22:33

It might just be a way for him to spend some quality time with her. Easier when one on one then trying to find that quiet in a busy house.

Nothing wrong with her taking the train but if he wants to go get her and spend that time with her, great. Car rides are a great time for talking.

MrsDThomas · 08/11/2021 22:38

@Benjispruce5 what i ridiculous thing to say. Seriously pathetic.

KeyboardWorriers · 08/11/2021 22:39

I always found the car journeys with my dad a lovely rare chance for us to chat before we got back to the chaos of a house filled with my younger siblings. I was fine on the train when he couldn't, but those car journeys were a special time.

Cornishclio · 08/11/2021 22:40

Both my DDs were able to get trains to and from Uni although two trains for them not three. We took them up in September with all their stuff and collected them in June at the end of year. Christmas and Easter they caught trains back.

Sounds like either your DH does everything she wants him to or maybe a seven hour drive is easier than looking after your three younger children and he wants a break from that. If she is nasty to you and your other children then I would not feel inclined to help her out either. Is she nasty to your DH or does she keep him on side so she gets her lifts when she wants them?

Phrowzunn · 08/11/2021 22:49

I was 4 hours away for uni (so 8-hour round trip) and I always got the train home and back (apart from moving in / moving out). It honestly wouldn’t have ever occurred to me to ask my mum or dad to drive 4 hours just to pick me up and drive all the way back - that’s insane! You get on the train and read a book / have a wee sleep on the way home. And you be extremely grateful that your parents are paying for your ticket 😂

WhatAShilohPitt · 08/11/2021 22:51

There was no family car when I was at university. I did the six hour round trip alone by train. She’s an adult. It might teach her gratitude.

Bobsyer · 08/11/2021 22:55

@MichelleScarn @ThePoisonousMushroom

True she hasn't articulated that. Not that it really matters, if she didn't want to do it because she just didn't want to, that's a valid reason (yes I realise also not relevant as it's dad who has said he'll do it).

But you both have done exactly the same as OP and ignored the part of my post you didn't want to respond to - Can someone please articulate why it's mean or cruel or whatever to expect an adult to be able to get a train home from uni?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 08/11/2021 22:56

YANBU - if she is old enough and smart enough to be at uni she should be able to work out public transport. Worked my way around the work in my 20s, did not need mummy and daddy to pick me up.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 08/11/2021 22:57

World, not work.

MichelleScarn · 08/11/2021 23:00

@bobsyer I don't think it's mean or cruel but the ops big cheesy and and YES! THIS! when anyone is a bit of a dick or derogatory towards her dd is a bit telling.

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