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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
FluffyBooBoo · 08/11/2021 21:27

How many of the people who have commented have actually got children at university?

Mine were, but have now both graduated.

CBroads · 08/11/2021 21:31

Here we go with the "I walked 100 miles bare foot to get home from uni when I was younger, no parents running around after me" times have changed alot. Being picked up by family is always safer than public transport especially for women these days. Your husband probably enjoys the quality time with your daughter.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 08/11/2021 21:32

@SixQuidGames

Fucking hell, I had no idea being collected from uni was a thing. I just organised my own travel because I was an adult.
So no one ever in your social circle or year group got picked up at Christmas or year end? Bullshit. Again, this isn't an age/maturity thing. The DH is happy to go.
TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 08/11/2021 21:35

Could you go and collect her? And DH can spend some quality time with the younger two, and then when you get back, DD and DH can do something nice together and you take over with the younger ones.

amicissimma · 08/11/2021 21:35

Goodness. It never occurred to us to fetch the DC from uni, apart from at the end of the year if there were house moves involved. Neither did they ask or hint.

They seemed to enjoy setting off much later than they would have done with us, even travelling overnight sometimes, in a group of friends. Mine took pride in travelling light and being The Helpful One towards the overloaded. I think anyone who was picked up by Mummy or Daddy would not have been thought much of.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 08/11/2021 21:36

My Dad died when I was in Uni. Would have loved for him to pick me up at Christmas.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 21:38

@amicissimma

Goodness. It never occurred to us to fetch the DC from uni, apart from at the end of the year if there were house moves involved. Neither did they ask or hint.

They seemed to enjoy setting off much later than they would have done with us, even travelling overnight sometimes, in a group of friends. Mine took pride in travelling light and being The Helpful One towards the overloaded. I think anyone who was picked up by Mummy or Daddy would not have been thought much of.

Really? Loads of my friends got picked up. No one thought less of them… no one really gave it much thought at all, as far as I know. Weird to think less of someone for something as uninteresting as travel arrangements. I couldn’t travel home with my friends as none of them lived anywhere near me 🤷🏻‍♀️.
SixQuidGames · 08/11/2021 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

pasturesgreen · 08/11/2021 21:39

My DDad would absolutely have done it when I was at uni. Come to think of it, he'd do it now he's in his 70s and I'm a grown woman, if he so much as thought I needed picking up.

It's his way of showing love, and it warms my heart to think he's looking out for me. I'd never ask (didn't ask when I was at uni either), mind you, but I'm forever grateful he's thinking of me and will treasure the memories when he's no longer with me.

OP, let your DH do the picking up if he's so inclined.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 08/11/2021 21:39

@amicissimma

Goodness. It never occurred to us to fetch the DC from uni, apart from at the end of the year if there were house moves involved. Neither did they ask or hint.

They seemed to enjoy setting off much later than they would have done with us, even travelling overnight sometimes, in a group of friends. Mine took pride in travelling light and being The Helpful One towards the overloaded. I think anyone who was picked up by Mummy or Daddy would not have been thought much of.

You think wrong. People could have been picked up for a multitude of reasons.
Fortyfifty · 08/11/2021 21:40

There's no right or wrong here. It depends on lots of things. Is someone willing to do it? What sort of journey is it car Vs train, passing through London etc...

My DD can get home faster on the train than we can drive one way. She will get the train home for Christmas. If she were 2 or 3 hours away on a straightforward drive, maybe we'd pick her up.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 08/11/2021 21:43

@SixQuidGames

*ODFOD. I left school at 16, left home at 18 and went to uni at 22 so I was a fully functioning adult. I had a job at 16, a car at 18 and a job and a car throughout university.

Even a lot of my fellow students who were younger than me didn’t have their parents come and get them*

So by that logic some of them will have? Confused

And, again, this is not about at what age should someone be able to do x/y/z anyway.

saleorbouy · 08/11/2021 21:44

My parents delivered me and my stuff to Uni and collected me at the end of the year. Coming home any other time was done at my expense on the train.
Time to grow up and use the train.

TirednWorried · 08/11/2021 21:49

I don't know anyone who doesn't get picked up by their parents. Unless they are fortunate enough to have somewhere to keep a car at uni.
How do you bring your electricals-TV, gaming computer/consoles laptop etc +sports equipmrnt home with you on 3 trains? I certainly would not leave them on a student house!

handsoffmychips · 08/11/2021 21:49

I fondly remember my dad coming to pick me up from Uni. He only did it once, we took the scenic route and it was lovely. I miss my dad.

User2638483 · 08/11/2021 21:51

If he’s happy to do it I’d let him crack on. YANBU to not want to do it yourself but don’t think you should stop him

Applesonthelawn · 08/11/2021 21:51

It depends, but dh and I are both always desperate to pick ds up from uni. DH loves the drive, and we both love having ds in the car where he tells us so much more about his life than when you're hanging round at home and he has other distractions. My happiest memories are of teaching him to drive, hours and hours of driving practice with him being funny and communicative. Doesn't help you if you and dd don't like it though, but if you do, I get totally that he wants to do it.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 08/11/2021 21:56

I despair at some of these. The idea that young women are particularly unsafe on a train now is bullshit. I'd say women were far more at risk in the 60s and 70s or even the 80s, when society generally thought it was ok for women to be pawed and leered at just for being women. My daughter catches the train everywhere, including across London (why would anyone think there was anything especially risky about this? Do they think London is a hotbed of perverts waiting to pounce? Have they ever actually been to London?) If she is old enough to be at university, doing goodness knows what, she is old enough to make her way home carrying a bag.

What of those students whose parents don't have cars? It wasn't unheard of when I was at university. In fact, I was the odd one out for being collected by my dad at the end of the year. My friends all made their own way home. What's funny in the context of this particular thread and my own response to it is that my friends all teased me for being a spoilt princess, collected by Daddy in his big car. Grin

MichelleScarn · 08/11/2021 21:56

@Thesandwichyears

Thanks for constructive replys. I’m out.
So out because people are asking why you dislike her/for examples of her heinous behavior? Asking what the usual pattern at home is? If you and dh are constantly both parenting 24/7.
Thighdentitycrisis · 08/11/2021 21:58

Pay for a suitcase
I never collected my DS but did meet him at the station

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 08/11/2021 22:00

@Applesonthelawn

It depends, but dh and I are both always desperate to pick ds up from uni. DH loves the drive, and we both love having ds in the car where he tells us so much more about his life than when you're hanging round at home and he has other distractions. My happiest memories are of teaching him to drive, hours and hours of driving practice with him being funny and communicative. Doesn't help you if you and dd don't like it though, but if you do, I get totally that he wants to do it.
Maybe it's just an each to their own. My DS was here at the weekend, and he spent three days entirely in my company, telling me about his life. He is fabulous company - the only person I didn't get thoroughly sick of during lockdown - and we get on brilliantly. He's still capable of catching a train and bringing a huge bag of washing back with him, though. So when he tries to tell me I need to do a 7 hour round trip because it makes his life a little bit easier (and mine quite a lot harder), the answer is no.
LaurenKelsey · 08/11/2021 22:03

I would probably go get her, except for the fact that she has a bad attitude. Stop being so accommodating! I raised three children and had to stop them cold when they began behaving like they were entitled.

ancientgran · 08/11/2021 22:05

@Thesandwichyears

Lol to parents who never dislike their dcsHmm Well done you
I think everyone has times when their kids are not very likable, the trick is to rise above it and not only love them but let them see you love them. They get older and if you are lucky your relationship survives the terrible twos, the cheeky kids stage, the stroppy teenager and even the know it all young adult.

You've obviously got alot on your hands but your daughter has probably had times when she had to get on with things because of the younger ones, particularly the ones with SEND. Let her dad spoil her a bit and I hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

Carriecakes80 · 08/11/2021 22:08

I loved long car trips with my Dad years ago, you sound a bit mean, your husband wants to get her, surely you're ok with your own kids for a few hours? x

ancientgran · 08/11/2021 22:10

@amicissimma

Goodness. It never occurred to us to fetch the DC from uni, apart from at the end of the year if there were house moves involved. Neither did they ask or hint.

They seemed to enjoy setting off much later than they would have done with us, even travelling overnight sometimes, in a group of friends. Mine took pride in travelling light and being The Helpful One towards the overloaded. I think anyone who was picked up by Mummy or Daddy would not have been thought much of.

You seriously think intelligent young people would be wasting their time judging other people's travel arrangements. What a strange view of life.

I think they would probably have been too mature to use "mummy or daddy" in a nasty judgemental way.

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