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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
expatmigrant · 08/11/2021 21:01

I like picking my DS up from uni. He can bring all his stuff home for washing and we have a good natter on the way home...him usually giving me way too much information.
Maybe your DH could use the time to have a bit of a chat with her about her attitude towards you and others. My DD was pretty much the same at that age and I have to say that there were times when I really didn't like her very much. It took for her to be about 23 before she matured to a point where we actually like each other.

BoardingSchoolMater · 08/11/2021 21:02

Sorry, @Anonymous48. My comment was in response to @DaphneDeloresMoorhead 's response to @Viviennemary, who said:

Of course he should pick her up as he obviously wants to. Three trains sounds an absolute nightmare. Stop being a meanie.

Sorry if this wasn't clear.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 08/11/2021 21:03

I wonder how many of those who are keen on this car journey are also bothered about reducing car journeys for the sake of the environment? Just a thought.

irregularegular · 08/11/2021 21:05

I would fear for her safety travelling alone. Let DH pick her up please better for her to be safe

Is this real???

Yuledo · 08/11/2021 21:06

I’m just assuming we’ll pick up ds from uni. Why wouldn’t we?

He can bring what he wants for a a long period at home, without having to juggle loads of luggage. I mean, he could go by train, but it’s really no skin off our nose to just collect him.

KaycePollard · 08/11/2021 21:07

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Maybe she wants to be looked after, in the way that her siblings are obviously prioritised? Sometimes it's tough being the eldest in the transition years between being a dependent child, and being an independent adult. Sometimes, even if you're the eldest and apparently off your parents' hands, it's nice to be indulged by your parents.

Could you both compromise ? That she catches two of the trains, and her father meets her at the end of the 2nd journey? They could have a nice catch up on the journey.

maddy68 · 08/11/2021 21:07

He wants to. He will enjoy feeli.g "needed" and enjoy their catch up time

Dishwashersaurous · 08/11/2021 21:09

He is happy to do it. So why wouldn't he. Really brilliant quality one to one time before being thrust back into family life.

Why don't you want him to do something nice for her?

MrsDThomas · 08/11/2021 21:10

My DC is at college 4 hours away. DH picked up, trains could be cancelled, stranded once in a station alone. Thankfully DC now drives.

Let him go. Trains could be busy, even cancelled

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 08/11/2021 21:13

Love this idea of "quality one to one time".

Maybe there are lots of 20 yr olds who would tell their dads their innermost secrets, the details of their social lives etc - but in my experience, they plug themselves into their airpods and that's that. They want a free lift that requires no effort beyond sliding into a car seat - not a bonding session.

How many of the people who have commented have actually got children at university?

MrsDThomas · 08/11/2021 21:14

Ive just said mine is at college.

ooft · 08/11/2021 21:15

I'll never forget struggling on the train with so many bags of Christmas shopping and all my stuff for the holidays and for studying when I was 19 and I felt so lost and lonely. Everyone else had been picked up by their parents. Let him pick her up.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 21:16

@MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny

Love this idea of "quality one to one time".

Maybe there are lots of 20 yr olds who would tell their dads their innermost secrets, the details of their social lives etc - but in my experience, they plug themselves into their airpods and that's that. They want a free lift that requires no effort beyond sliding into a car seat - not a bonding session.

How many of the people who have commented have actually got children at university?

I was a child at university, and loved having some time to catch up with my parents when they drove me to uni and back
MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 08/11/2021 21:17

Also, I'm truly astounded by some of these responses, even if the OP's daughter weren't a challenge.

Trains might be cancelled? It's "not safe" to travel on a train? FFS. At what point is anyone deemed adult enough to catch a train?

No wonder MN is full of women complaining about men who act like large children. If we actually got on with our job as parents and allowed our children to grow up a bit rather than treating them as precious little jewels who might break if they sit in a train seat, there would be fewer problems later on.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/11/2021 21:17

Ditto. I loved being collected from uni

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 08/11/2021 21:19

@ThePoisonousMushroom I was also a child at university, and was quite happy to sit on a train for a couple of hours. At the end of it, I walked home from the station (shock!) I then spent a month or so with my lovely family, enjoying every single minute of it, and still found plenty of time to bond with both my parents (who are still the loveliest and most important people in my life, my own DC aside).

Marvellousmadness · 08/11/2021 21:19

She is old enough to do it herself.
But if you dont wanna be stuck with the two younger ones: why dont you go and pick them up??
See how your dh feels about that solution
His response will tell you enough too if he is adement she needs to be picked up
Plus youll get the chance to speak with dd about her life choices and how to go forward

SixQuidGames · 08/11/2021 21:20

Fucking hell, I had no idea being collected from uni was a thing. I just organised my own travel because I was an adult.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 21:20

[quote MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny]@ThePoisonousMushroom I was also a child at university, and was quite happy to sit on a train for a couple of hours. At the end of it, I walked home from the station (shock!) I then spent a month or so with my lovely family, enjoying every single minute of it, and still found plenty of time to bond with both my parents (who are still the loveliest and most important people in my life, my own DC aside).[/quote]
I did all that too. I also spent a year at uni abroad, so flew there and back by myself.
Still really liked the times someone picked me up.

Motherofking · 08/11/2021 21:20

If her offered and she accepted then that’s different. I would have said let’s him get her. But the fact that she expects it it’s wrong. especially when it’s such a long trip. I agree with you op

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 08/11/2021 21:21

I am truly appalled by the learned helplessness that so many people are inflicting on their adult children. It is doing them no favours at all.

Motherofking · 08/11/2021 21:21

@Motherofking

If her offered and she accepted then that’s different. I would have said let’s him get her. But the fact that she expects it it’s wrong. especially when it’s such a long trip. I agree with you op
He*
MumDadBingoBLUEY · 08/11/2021 21:22

Never occurred to me to ask for a lift home for vacations when I was a student. Like your family, there were younger needier siblings at home, and the train was fine. Half hour walk to the station, 3 or so hours on the train with one change, then a bus, or lift if I was lucky, at the other end.

I'd generally be laden with a suitcase, a backpack and my laptop bag - and, after first year, my pet rats! - but somehow I managed to not be traumatised by the experience. Good practice for catching trains and buses with small children and all their paraphernalia!

Kayo123456 · 08/11/2021 21:26

You are a bit mean towards your daughter from the way you speak about her

ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 21:26

Being picked up from uni was definitely more fun than the time I was travelling home for Christmas and as my flight took off one of the engines failed so we had to do an emergency landing, and it was the last flight out of the airport that night so I had to get a train to a nearby hotel, got to bed at 1am then had to be up at 5am to get the train back to the airport to get the 8am flight home.
Being picked up from uni a few times didn’t affect my ability to be able to navigate shitty situations in foreign countries alone, like that one.

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