To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

Bloody hell, it never occurred to me to ask my perfectly lovely parents to drive to pick me up from university - would have taken twice as long as the train anyway! She won’t need to bring loads, surely, 3/4 changes of clothes and use your washing machine. Aren’t we all meant to be making efforts to be green now? Expecting a grown woman to be able to take the train home for Christmas is hardly something that’s going to come up on the stately homes threads. YANBU at all!

Kids will be as capable as they have to be-- and often the reverse.

I was taken to uni on move-in day. Every other time I got transport. Non-issue.

I can see myself like this in a few years time. My daughter can be so bloody entitled and selfish. It's infuriating. She can be delightful but turn sour like milk in the sun.

I try and see it as a quality that means she won't suffer fools etc but it's just so bloody wearing.

I also endured coach journeys etc coming back from uni (without a phone - the horrors!). No way would my parents put up with any nonsense.

Stand firm OP. I would.

To give it a difference perspective, I would never have experience my parents to do a 7 hour round trip to collect me at 20 years old.

I don't know if you're still reading, @Thesandwichyears, but it sounds to me like DH is trying to smooth things over between you and DD. If he is, maybe he's planning on using the journey back to speak to her about it.
In that case, maybe you should let them get on with it.

My mum was always reluctant to pick me up or drop me anywhere, and to be honest, I think it was mean of her. Gave me the impression she didn’t like me, help me, or want to spend time with me. I think she would have said I was rude to her on occasion, but in hindsight I think she was mean and I still feel she is unsupportive. I’d deffo let your husband go; it’s a lovely time of year & she will be looking forward to the trip home. Do you have more than one daughter? I’m curious to know xo

I’m on the fence.

I would more than happily do a 7 hour round trip to collect my child but if they were entitled and acting spoilt it would probably do them good to catch a train.

However if it’s right before Christmas then I’d definitely do it!
You don’t need any tension between you and her or you and your DH.
Just let it go and don’t say any more to her about it once he’s got her.

I'm the eldest of four. I absolutely can't stand my mother (or my father) and she sounds exactly like the OP. I'm sure I was entitled and horrible, but she wasn't kind to me as a child and paid much more attention to the younger children. We don't have much of a relationship now and she is really sad about it. I've seen that you've come up with a good solution, but be grateful that your daughter actually wants to spend time with at least one of you if you want to have a relationship in the future.

OP if you do come back, I am with you in this one.
DD2 was an unpleasant teen, and at time very difficult to live with especially for me. She chose a uni that was a good 4 hour if not 5 hour drive away and did realise that we would not be going to visit or pick her up regularly. She may have moaned about the train but got on with it. The only time DH went in the car other than beginning or end of term was as Covid hit when he made a trip to collect her and a good amount of her stuff.

I would absolutely do this for my children and wouldn't have any issues with my husband doing it for our children.

My parents always used to do the 7 hour round trip to pick stuff up/ see me at uni.
You sound really cold to be honest. She's 20 years old, she probably wants her parents to be excited to have her home for chrimbo!

@FluffyBooBoo

Well, as the parent of two twenty-something's, I would absolutely jump at the chance to spend three hours plus on my own with either of my children. Especially when I hadn't seen them for a while. It's not the same being in a houseful of people. I don't think it's 'pandering' to do something nice for your kids. Having said that, situation is different to yours.

Does your DH want to do it? To be fair to you, you sound stressed. I can imagine life isn't easy. Maybe he wants a bit of a break from it all?

Why not suggest that you get a day off, away from the family, in return for this? That would seem fair to me.

Why? If this would be the only chance all year to spend three hours with them, I'd be absolutely with you and do it in a flash. But if it's a child coming home from university, there's no shortage of time to spend with them once they get home, even if you have other children too. I would generally be disinclined to jump to the demands of another adult who is uncivil, for whatever reason, even if that adult is my own child.

I wonder whether DD would spend 7 hours and a good chunk of money doing something to make her dad's life a tiny bit easier?

My parents tended to pick me up and drop me off at the beginning and end of the year when I had the most stuff. However my Dad would come up on the trash. For Xmas and Easter and the same for going back after these holidays. By the time you’ve packed revision materials that’s nearly one case plus a massive case of clothes and laundry (bedding and towel and a rucksack with laptop in and other things and having to make three trains and a trip across London it’s hard but possible. Maybe if you’re refusing to allow your husband to collect her you can at least give her a decent size suitcase to fit everything in.

How long is the train journey? Much longer than the car journey or not really? That makes a difference.

I think that so long as she appreciates her dad doing this for her rather than expects its, and your DH is happy to do it, then it would be a bit unkind to say no. But of course I don't know how hard it is for you to be on your own all day with the other kids. If that's really a big deal then maybe YANBU. Would you rather do the drive yourself and leave DH with the kids?

Train not trash.

Well, if you hate your daughter then leave her be .
If your partner wants to collect her, let him be.

I feel sure that you can cope with your remaining children, irrespective of their needs, for seven hours.

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead My DC1 did this at 15 (I accompanied him until he was confident doing it alone). It's crazy that so many people think a 20 yr old isn't capable of catching a train, especially if she acts like an entitled toddler towards her mother.

For those of you saying us 'meanies' only have young children, you're wrong. I have 2 older adult step children, post university. Both of whom were quite capable of getting themselves home (and often did) but also who often appreciated a lift home, or for parents to help with moving or transporting stuff about. They also appreciated a bit of looking after when they got home. They've still managed to morph into capable adults.
I have a teen DD too and sometimes I do stuff for her that she's quite capable of doing for herself. Kindness is ok too.

I find the whole thing incredibly sad and I think it's lovely that your husband wants to go and pick her up. No matter how awful her behaviour may have been, to read you say that you don't like your daughter is shocking to me. And of course she will have picked up on that. Thank goodness she has one parent who seems to care about her and is willing to go out of his way to do something nice for her.

It is nothing at all to do with whether she is capable of making the journey by train, and everything to do with a parent demonstrating that he misses her and is excited to see her again - especially when the other parent clearly could care less.

@Samedaysame

I would fear for her safety travelling alone. Let DH pick her up please better for her to be safe

What are you imagine will happen to a 20 year old on a public transport service?

How old does an adult need to be before mummy & daddy let them risk a train journey?
25? 40?

What is intrinsically dangerous about a 20 year old adult using a train? How old does an adult have to be before it's "safe" for them to use trains? Is there a special chitty to fill out?

At what age does this threat disappear, or do you expect OP to worry about her DD's "safety" on trains for the rest of her life?

@Thegoodandbadlife

My parents tended to pick me up and drop me off at the beginning and end of the year when I had the most stuff. However my Dad would come up on the trash. For Xmas and Easter and the same for going back after these holidays. By the time you’ve packed revision materials that’s nearly one case plus a massive case of clothes and laundry (bedding and towel and a rucksack with laptop in and other things and having to make three trains and a trip across London it’s hard but possible. Maybe if you’re refusing to allow your husband to collect her you can at least give her a decent size suitcase to fit everything in.

Any reason a 20 year old can't buy a 2nd hand suitcase?

Isn't this just shorter than a working day? What happens to the kids then?

[quote BoardingSchoolMater]@DaphneDeloresMoorhead My DC1 did this at 15 (I accompanied him until he was confident doing it alone). It's crazy that so many people think a 20 yr old isn't capable of catching a train, especially if she acts like an entitled toddler towards her mother.[/quote]
Literally nobody thinks that. We just think that her dad should be able to go and pick her up if he wants to and that it's rather sweet.

Why?

Because I would enjoy it. Because it's rare to get that amount of time uninterrupted with nothing else to do and nobody else involved. Because I've had some of the best and most meaningful conversations with my children during car journeys.

Because I would want to.