To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

@Crystalvas

I completly agree with OP. DD needs to grow up. I had alot of hardship when in uni and let me tell you there was no one to make it easier for me I just had to do what I had to do to get by. OP is right DD should make her own way home especially as shes prepared to pay for the ticket. I had no one to pay for my transport fees I had to work my butt off I paid for everything myself. Got into debt but paid it off once I finished uni and got a job. If I went into detail here people would’t believe the legnths I had to go to just to get to work at weekends and holidays just to get by. Its time young people copped on the worlds a hard place to be deal with it.

It’s not a race to the bottom. The OP’s daughter has a father who is willing to pick her up.

By the way those experiences have made me a better person despite the hardship I went through just to get an education.

@Thesandwichyears

*I went bu train!!! Not long ago, day 1 she was lovely, 2 two from the get go, she was foul. I’ve vowed not do it again until she is kinder.

Can you please clarify what on earth this means?

Which bit?*

The whole thing. I genuinely have no idea what this whole statement means. What does "I went bu train" mean? As for the second part - "Not long ago, day 1 she was lovely, 2 two from the get go, she was foul" - nope, no idea what that means.

On the fence!

My parents did pick me up but my Uni was 45 mins (and a nice drive) from their house. Plus my brothers are only slightly younger and don’t have SEN.

Would you prefer to be the one collecting her?

I agree that she doesn’t strictly need a lift, but three trains are a bit of a hassle. You could Amazon a better suitcase as many have said!

I was skint at Uni but that makes me want mine to have a much better time, and I am happy to pay up so they do

@Bagadverts

OP I think maybe you need to give examples or the reasons you don’t like your daughter. Also the extent of difficulty dealing with your other children alone. Are you always both there? That way we have a better idea where you are coming from. What is the conversation like that means you start wanting to see your daughter and end not?

Also maybe privately consider the reasons for the behaviour. Is it giving in too often? Is it her (necessarily) not being a priority due to SEN and making a fuss to force it? When was the last time you liked your daughter and what changed?

These are really good questions Bagadverts

People still wanging on with the Four Yorkshiremen of train journeys.

This has nothing to do with to journey home from uni. The mother daughter relationship is broken. @Thesandwichyears you need to start focusing on the real issue here and stop distracting yourself with things that ultimately don't matter.

He picks her up, he doesn't pick her up. Does that change how you interact with each other?

My dad used to do an 8 hour round trip to get me, but usually I’d drive back. Unless I was massively hungover..
Perhaps he can chat with her on the way back about her attitude.

I’m not interested in hashing out my daughter’s behaviour thanks

Well in that case you won't fix anything and this thread is pointless.

As long as she hasn’t much stuff, train is fine. They have to get used to it at some stage, I used to enjoy the train.

Ds1 has to empty his room at Uni and tells me he only has a relatively small cupboard to put his belongings in so we might have a car load at Christmas! Plus he has no common sense so if left to get a train, he may never get home🤣🤣🤣

Thankfully DS1 is only 2 hours away. Ds2 has applied to universities 300+ miles away and he will have to get used to trains as I’m not doing that journey regularly!

Have just seen that you have reached a sensible compromise- one journey each “way”

@Thesandwichyears you ask a question, people ask for information to answer you and that’s a problem ok
So I’m thinking YA probably BU based on the mardy responses you’ve given on here.

But you carry on looking for validation of your view.

I think you are being unreasonable, yes.

Thanks for constructive replys. I’m out.

[quote Anonymous48]@Thesandwichyears

*I went bu train!!! Not long ago, day 1 she was lovely, 2 two from the get go, she was foul. I’ve vowed not do it again until she is kinder.

Can you please clarify what on earth this means?

Which bit?*

The whole thing. I genuinely have no idea what this whole statement means. What does "I went bu train" mean? As for the second part - "Not long ago, day 1 she was lovely, 2 two from the get go, she was foul" - nope, no idea what that means.[/quote]
I read it as that not long ago, the OP went to visit her daughter by train. On the first day she was there, the daughter was lovely. On day two, from the beginning of the day she wasn't vey nice.

But who knows what caused the daughter's foul mood, something her mother said or did, or just that the daughter wasn't very nice for a different reason.

She should be getting the train. This is inconvenient for you. I set off for uni on the train with my duvet in a bin bag. With her fancy Dan rucksack and small suitcase... She were lucky!!

My dad always came to get me - three hours away. He was always up with the lark and would be knocking on my door at 7.00 in the morning. We'd always stop off at a Little Chef on the way back and be home in time for lunch. I don't think he ever realised (or maybe he did!) that I'd not been in bed for long as there was usually some form of semi-drunken party the night before, but it was our special time and a lovely opportunity to talk.
Let him do it.

@TheWeeDonkey

Well clearly this has nothing to do with the length or difficulty of the journey and everything to do with the relationship between mother and daughter.

So you have three choices OP. Leave the relationship at stalemate. Try to be the bigger person, bite your tongue and try to fix it or cut your losses and concentrate on the relationship you have with your other children. Thats up to you but you don't get to dictate your husband's relationship with his daughter.

This …try and not antagonise the situation !

YABU my partner's family never picked him up from Uni even at the end of the year. It was only a 2 hour drive. It the kind of thing she will remember forever. Unnecessarily mean!

This thread is insane.

A mother posts about an adult child who has a bit out an attitude problem and expects to be fetched and carried at inconvenience to others. All she was is less entitlement and a tad more independence...

But no, MN piles in when she's only looking for a bit of give and take.

The way some people are going on you think she had suggested she wanted her daughter to walk home barefoot over hot coals!

It was actually longer than that for us with DS2. However, the first year he lived in Halls of Residence, and had to clear everything out, each holiday, so no way could he bring everything back on the train.
When we first took him there, the University arranged for the local roads to be closed, but this did not happen on later visits, so they ended up carrying computers and printers (large in those days) down several flights of stairs (no lifts), and about 200 yards up the road to the car.
AFter that, my DH drove all night, arriving at 5.30 am, so he could realistically park outside.
2nd and 3rd years, DS2, had to go by train, except at the beginning and end of the year.

National express coach?;it's cheaper than a train;doesn't usually require several changes,has a nice big hold for suitcases so no lugging one around on the train,has free wifi,phone charger points and a toilet.

@Viviennemary

Of course he should pick her up as he obviously wants to. Three trains sounds an absolute nightmare. Stop being a meanie.

Really ? I used to do 3 trains back from uni to home

I think a lot of the people saying how mean you are are parents of much younger children. I've got a 15 year old adopted daughter who is luckily for her at boarding school all week. I love her, but after listening to a weekend of her entitled nonsense and newly gained superiority complex which has led to her treating her brother like shit....I was glad to see the back of her (at the train station) Sunday afternoon.