Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 20:15

@DreamingofTimbuktu

You don’t like your daughter do you!
Answered several times🙄
OP posts:
NeedsCharging · 08/11/2021 20:15

Do you want her home for Christmas OP?

AliceW89 · 08/11/2021 20:16

Of course you can dislike your DC. But to use that as a reason to make their lives unnecessarily difficult is petty. It’s really not an issue about wether the DD can get a train or not - of course she can. She’s a grown woman. If OP had posted that she was excited to see her DD but her day would be extremely difficult with DH gone for 7 plus hours, I think everyone would be in agreement that the train would be most appropriate. The main reason seems to be though that DD isn’t very nice and therefore she doesn’t deserve to have any favours from her own DF, which isn’t really up to the OP and is a bit spiteful, IMO.

Fogormist · 08/11/2021 20:17

I just don't understand the reason for him picking her up - is it just that he fancies some quiet time out of the house? Of course your adult daughter should be travelling independently. It's a basic life skill, and she sounds very spoilt.

DGFB · 08/11/2021 20:17

I used to love my parents coming to collect me, they were amazing

TabithaTiger · 08/11/2021 20:18

Absolutely agree she should take the train, but it's up to your DH really. Are they very close? Maybe he's looking for some time on his own with her? He shouldn't feel he has to though, no reason she can't get the train.

Pedalpushers · 08/11/2021 20:19

I feel like 'that poster' but honest truth, I once got public transport home from uni at the end of term with a broken leg Grin

soggyweather · 08/11/2021 20:19

OP you mentioned your DD has ASD, I'm sure as you know this has a lot to do with her behaviour. My DD also with ASD has just started uni (not out clubbing sadly mostly in her room). She did do a 4 hour trip to come for reading week on the train and I was really proud she managed this. Maybe you husband feels protective because of her ASD. My DD has enormous anxiety over doing the simplest things sometimes. She can also be unbeleivably nasty to us at times too. I probably have made it worse by giving into her but she has had such a hard time growing up with ASD I just want to make life a bit easier for her. Maybe your husband feels like this. I know how difficult it is having an ASD child and I do wonder if it will ever get easier.

Sally872 · 08/11/2021 20:19

I would pick up my dd if she was lovely and good company, didn't expect and appreciated the effort. I would not do it in your circumstances.

However if dh genuinely wants to, and isn't pandering to avoid a tantrum I don't see how/why you would discourage him even if you don't agree.

name3958 · 08/11/2021 20:19

My parents (or boyfriend) always came to get me at the end of the holidays, it was also about 7 hours round trip but much fewer trains. I think YABU for being harsh but especially to dictate to your DH when he's clearly happy to do so.

Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 20:20

@TillyTopper

I think it's lovely he wants to go and get her. They can catch up on the way home. You sound like to want to punish her a bit?!
Nope. I would like her to ask nicely not demand and expect.
OP posts:
Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 20:21

@soggyweather

OP you mentioned your DD has ASD, I'm sure as you know this has a lot to do with her behaviour. My DD also with ASD has just started uni (not out clubbing sadly mostly in her room). She did do a 4 hour trip to come for reading week on the train and I was really proud she managed this. Maybe you husband feels protective because of her ASD. My DD has enormous anxiety over doing the simplest things sometimes. She can also be unbeleivably nasty to us at times too. I probably have made it worse by giving into her but she has had such a hard time growing up with ASD I just want to make life a bit easier for her. Maybe your husband feels like this. I know how difficult it is having an ASD child and I do wonder if it will ever get easier.
No thats my ds
OP posts:
Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 20:22

@Pedalpushers

I feel like 'that poster' but honest truth, I once got public transport home from uni at the end of term with a broken leg Grin
Shock
OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 08/11/2021 20:22

Can't believe what a hard time the OP is getting here. I hate to say it but I fear I was that entitled young adult some years ago and cringe at the demands I made on my mum, esp around lifts.

OP it's sad but I think quite normal to dislike your kids at times and it doesn't make you mean that you want her to stand in her own two feet and stop expecting her parents to run around after her. Only you know how poor her attitude has been, and I'm sure you're very forgiving. Try to talk to your DH about it and hopefully things will improve over Christmas.

LondonWolf · 08/11/2021 20:22

I’d go myself and try and build some bridges with my child.

Lemonsyellow · 08/11/2021 20:23

I would expect her to come by herself. My DD wouldn’t expect us, or want us, to fetch her - we don’t have a car, for one thing.

RandomMess · 08/11/2021 20:23

I would remind her to think of the planet and get the train/coach home.

It would be different if she had to clear her room but if she doesn't it's ridiculous to do that sort of journey - with traffic it could take much longer.

Samedaysame · 08/11/2021 20:23

I would fear for her safety travelling alone. Let DH pick her up please better for her to be safe

Original poster
Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 20:24

@Samedaysame

I would fear for her safety travelling alone. Let DH pick her up please better for her to be safe
Hmm
OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 08/11/2021 20:24

@Samedaysame

I would fear for her safety travelling alone. Let DH pick her up please better for her to be safe
Why would she be unsafe on trains??
Tickledtrout · 08/11/2021 20:24

Maybe with three younger kids, two with additional needs, they both want some dad-daughter time before craziness of Christmas with younger, demanding kids. It's not her fault you have three younger, demanding children.
Maybe her behaviour is telling you how she feels?
Let them have their relationship. You don't get to put limits on that

hulahoopqueen · 08/11/2021 20:26

Some of my favourite journeys in life were spent driving to or from uni with my dad (and sometimes my sister too). If he wants to do it and the petrol money isn't breaking the bank, why not?

Bagadverts · 08/11/2021 20:26

OP I think maybe you need to give examples or the reasons you don’t like your daughter. Also the extent of difficulty dealing with your other children alone. Are you always both there? That way we have a better idea where you are coming from. What is the conversation like that means you start wanting to see your daughter and end not?

Also maybe privately consider the reasons for the behaviour. Is it giving in too often? Is it her (necessarily) not being a priority due to SEN and making a fuss to force it? When was the last time you liked your daughter and what changed?

Crystalvas · 08/11/2021 20:26

I completly agree with OP. DD needs to grow up. I had alot of hardship when in uni and let me tell you there was no one to make it easier for me I just had to do what I had to do to get by. OP is right DD should make her own way home especially as shes prepared to pay for the ticket. I had no one to pay for my transport fees I had to work my butt off I paid for everything myself. Got into debt but paid it off once I finished uni and got a job. If I went into detail here people would’t believe the legnths I had to go to just to get to work at weekends and holidays just to get by. Its time young people copped on the worlds a hard place to be deal with it.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 08/11/2021 20:27

I did an 8 hour coach trip home and felt damned happy that my mum got me from the station instead of me needing to get the bus for 45 minutes.

YANBU. She’s TWENTY FGS.