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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:

Duchess379 · 08/11/2021 19:59

@PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets

Let him go to collect her, but only if he takes your younger kids with him to keep him company on the journey.

Fabulous idea! Tell him to take all the kids & you can spend the day to yourself before the enslaught of Christmas & families arrive 😆🎄

Calamityhuman · 08/11/2021 20:01

If he’s happy to go and get her that’s his choice. My dad used to come and get me at the end of term and I really appreciated it. Sometimes he still gives me lifts and sometimes I do him favours because we are family and that’s what families do! Promise I’m fully independent now and even drop my kids off places

RampantIvy · 08/11/2021 20:02

@Thesandwichyears

Lol to parents who never dislike their dcs

Well done you

DD can be exasperating at times, but I can honestly say that she has never been nasty to me or any other family member, or, as far as I know, to anyone. If anything she has too much empathy and gets walked over by other people.

She is coming home this weekend for a vist, but has loads of stuff to bring back (halloween decorations), so I am collecting her, but she is going back on the train.

FluffyBooBoo · 08/11/2021 20:03

Well, as the parent of two twenty-something's, I would absolutely jump at the chance to spend three hours plus on my own with either of my children. Especially when I hadn't seen them for a while. It's not the same being in a houseful of people. I don't think it's 'pandering' to do something nice for your kids. Having said that, situation is different to yours.

Does your DH want to do it? To be fair to you, you sound stressed. I can imagine life isn't easy. Maybe he wants a bit of a break from it all?

Why not suggest that you get a day off, away from the family, in return for this? That would seem fair to me.

MichelleScarn · 08/11/2021 20:03

So what does she actually do for you to dislike her so much?

Is she actually dreadful to you? And absolutely agree with the posters saying if this was a woman saying 'dh says our dc is not respectful enough, and has banned me from picking them up from uni etc etc' there would be outrage!

lastqueenofscotland · 08/11/2021 20:03

Three trains sounds an absolute fuck about, a delay could turn that journey into an absolute nightmare. If DH wants to go unless you don’t have a pot to piss in and the money for petrol means you won’t eat I really don’t see why it’s even being debated?

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 20:04

Different people have different personalities, there’s a shocker.

nordicnorth · 08/11/2021 20:04

My parents refused to ever come and pick me up. The dropped me there on my first day and collected me on my last. I had to get a train and 2 buses home to my little village. It was a pain in the arse but I survived and it was quite normal. I had to pay for all my transport as well. But if your husband is happy to do it I don't think there is much you can do.

liveforsummer · 08/11/2021 20:05

I'd drive 3.5 hours to collect my dc. Nice catching up time on the way home. If dh is happy to do it I don't see the problem

cansu · 08/11/2021 20:05

You seem to not want him to do it because you are annoyed with her. This makes your reasoning spiteful. He wants to collect her and so he should.

Stovetopespresso · 08/11/2021 20:05

in my day... I'd never have got picked up!

aah let him go just this once?

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 20:05

@nordicnorth

So they did pick you up…on your last day.

Ickle37 · 08/11/2021 20:06

Yabu. Well not unreasonable, but perhaps a bit unnecessary? Let him do it. I have fondmemories of my Dad doing bonkers drives for me and my sister ( he once picked her up from a German airport and drove her back to uk after being in Canada- this was before cheap flights) . Its a Dad thing. They drive, they feel useful etc. Its a Dad thing. The result wasnt too demanding daughters- we resulted in being very independent at a young age, but when daddy could help- he did. Nicer than actually being given cash and told to do it yourself. That to me seems a bit off? This way no money changes hands, its just a gesture of love.

liveforsummer · 08/11/2021 20:06

Also 3 likely over crowded trains with multiple bags at Christmas is a bit of a drag

C8H10N4O2 · 08/11/2021 20:06

Great that all these posters think the OP is unreasonable to "dictate" to DH how he spends his 7 hrs.

Perhaps they could now explain why its just fine for him to dictate that she spend 7 hrs solo managing three DC, two with SEN just so that DD doesn't have to slum it on the train.

Bananarama21 · 08/11/2021 20:07

You've not said anything positive about your dd just negative comments. I imagine she's very self aware of your dislike for her which is extremely damaging to her self esteem especially at such a young age. My mom and auntie always came down and got me Christmas time

mockingjaye · 08/11/2021 20:08

If he wants to do it then he doesn't need your permission..

Lulu1919 · 08/11/2021 20:09

My husband always collected our daughter at the end of each term and drove her back ...probably a 51/2 hour round trip .
I'd be home ... among sure her room was all lovely and we had her fave foods in ..exciting times

Hiyawotcha · 08/11/2021 20:09

I would collect. I’m collecting dd at Xmas. Don’t have to, could send her on the train, but will catch up in car on way home - about 3 hours.

I never ever had a lift to or from uni. This was understandable because was an 8 hr coach journey (drivers swapping so no breaks really). Was horrible. But do able. My parents weren’t in a position to collect. I am - so will.

Hiyawotcha · 08/11/2021 20:11

8 hours on coach plus trains at either end. About 11 hours door to door.

BungleandGeorge · 08/11/2021 20:11

Seems bonkers to drive 7 hours in one day to pick her up when she could easily get the train. If it was an hour away it would be different.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 08/11/2021 20:13

You don’t like your daughter do you!

TheWeeDonkey · 08/11/2021 20:14

Well clearly this has nothing to do with the length or difficulty of the journey and everything to do with the relationship between mother and daughter.

So you have three choices OP. Leave the relationship at stalemate. Try to be the bigger person, bite your tongue and try to fix it or cut your losses and concentrate on the relationship you have with your other children. Thats up to you but you don't get to dictate your husband's relationship with his daughter.

TillyTopper · 08/11/2021 20:14

I think it's lovely he wants to go and get her. They can catch up on the way home. You sound like to want to punish her a bit?!

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 08/11/2021 20:15

YABU She is far more likely to catch covid getting 3 trains than being collected by her willing father. It sounds like you resent her for some reason.

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