Why won't he SHUT UP?!

[fixlet]

I'm a teacher, so I usually work for about an hour on the laptop when I get home, replying to emails that stack up during the day, or planning etc.

My husband has usually been home for 45 minutes by himself by the time I get back from work. We have a quick catch up together, then I get on with my work before making a start on dinner.

However, during that hour of work, he makes constant noise, and it's PISSING ME OFF. He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate. If I go to the kitchen table, he follows me and sits next to me. Same if I take the laptop to the sofa.

Now, I do seem to struggle with eating noises generally. However, there is just something about that hour after work, when I'm tired and have dealt with noise and chat all day long from the kids, that is makes my blood boil.

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

AIBU to want to wring his neck?

Yabu because you should just go to the study, shut the door, and let him sulk.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate

So what? like seriously who cares if he doesn't like it. why do his likes and dislikes matter more than yours?

I can't believe you sit there wanting to kill him because he'd be mopey-eyed if you went to the study. He sounds like my dog who sits outside the bathroom when I'm having a shower. it is just about ok with a dog.

Can you get a lock for the study door? Not that you should have to, but still.

god forbid your husband likes spending time with you... must be awful to be loved.

Just go to the study and tell him to find a hobby!! He needs his own life for that hour a day.. for goodness sake

So he is home for 45 minutes before you and then has another hour to himself where he just fucks about doing jack shit. Then after you have finished an hour of work you have to cook the dinner because he is too fucking idiotic to cook. I don't believe there are people who cannot cook. Yes, some people are much better at it than others and there are those who really enjoy spending hours creating but a grown man can learn to cook some easy dishes that you both enjoy.

I've voted YABU because you should go upstairs, he's not a baby and he's not your boss so yabu to stay there and let him annoy you

@MrsMadderRose

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

Aaarrrgghhh! Tbf I'm feeling a bit irate already but that makes me so angry! A speciality of my ex. Behave like an arse, ignore my feelings, then do the hurt, self-pitying thing. OMG. I know exactly how fucking infuriating that is OP!

And yes he just wants your attention to be on him and to let you know your job is not important. He might not realise himself that that is his agenda, but it still is IMO.

I'm a ball of fucking feminist rage today if your H came near me with his mopey face he'd get the full medusa glare.

If he actually cared about your job, OP, he'd have no issue with you going to the study to concentrate.

My ex could be like this. Expecting my attention on him, especially at times I needed to concentrate on something. An ex for many, many reasons.

Go to your study.
If the door is shut you can't see the sad eyes or moping.

If he starts up with that shit when you emerge, do a 180 and retreat and shut the door again.
Might be a good idea to have a stash of snacks in there so you can avoid cooking altogether

i have literally just been had a go at because i'm doing work (I work in a school too).

It's such childish behaviour and I'm not up to doing unpaid involuntary work amusing a manchild who can't amuse himself. it's REALLY tiresome and I totally feel your pain.

Get him to start dinner..

YABU and so is he in not liking i when you go in the study.
So just go in the study? What's the problem with that? he's allowed to do things in his own home, and if you're working you can go in the study

He sounds like a giant baby with all that burping, slurping and attention-seeking - so treat him like one. Explain you’re happy to sit downstairs if he’s able to be quiet and let you work, but if he starts making a noise or fussing you’ll be going straight to the study.

Can you not find him jobs to do or encourage him to go for a run or something?

Do you have to work at home ? Would you be able to go somewhere else not at home?
If not then it’s the study and a decent lock

Sounds tiresome tbh

Lock on study door.

I would call you a grumpy bugger, because it sounds like he adores you, but I just can't because mine is also a walking noise machine.

Unfortunately, being a loving partner does not seem to stretch to BEING FUCKING QUIET.

Mine does the noisy eating bit too, plus the horrible burps that echo from the gut and up the oesophagus before tucking his chin right in for maximum grunt at the end. Makes me angry and is nauseating to witness.

Mine also seems to not be able to run a tap without making the whole place reverberate with the racket. Either full blast, which is epically high in our property as the water pressure is quite something to behold, or super slow for maximum echoing wall shaking psssh.

He works afternoons/evenings and comes in quite late. I hear the front door, his massive bunch of works keys hitting the hall table and tense up slightly at the prospect of the wall of sound that's about to hit me. I have been alone in blessed silence for ages by this point so it can come as quite a audio shock.

Basically, I love him but the oblivious sod does make my brain rattle.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate*

So?
You don't like it when he won't STFU.
Why do his feelings trump yours?
The study is the perfect place to concentrate on work without interruptions.

What is wrong with DH that he cannot accept that you are working & this not available to give him attention?
That he cannot manage an hour of you being at work, & unavailable?
Is he 3 years old?

It's concerning that you feel obliged to not use your own study simply because your manchild "doesn't like it".

What would happen if you just ... worked in the study from now on?

[quote fixlet]@Themilkmanschild, he could burn water, so it works out much better if I cook and he washes up :)[/quote]
Ah, come on now.

A fully grown adult, incapable of putting a simple nourishing meal together? WTF? How embarrassing for him. Why do you pander it?

I would just go to the study. I explained to dh very early on when he started working at home too that I couldn't manage constant interruptions, it wasn't just him but dc too. It takes me twice as long to do stuff if I am interrupted so I would tell him that no I can't go out as a family this Sat am because I need to catch up on work but he could take dc out. He has over time come to accept that he mustn't interrupt me during the working day.

As far as not cooking goes, firstly everyone can bung some chicken Kievs and potato waffles or similar in the oven so he could at least do this some evenings and secondly he could sometimes prepare the veg etc even if you then cook it.

Has this been covered already you do all the cooking because as you said he could "burn water"? Do you have kids?

Maybe if you call him out on it and say 'I know what you are doing, you are trying to get my attention, I need to work now, It is extremely selfish of you to constantly try to sabotage my work' And say on repeat, so his behaviour is named for what it is.

Yes, @AmyDudley - deciding to Name The Behaviour can be a very powerful technique.

Sod all the nicely worded, "I feel X when you do Y" - sounds like OP has tried that, & he simply chooses not to recognise either her feelings or her need to do her fucking job.

"I'm going to the study for an hour because it's the only place I can concentrate. My hour of work is more important than your inability to amuse yourself, & your persistent undermining of this regular hour is pissing me right off, so FFS stop doing it - I'm no longer tolerating your childishness about my job."

He doesn't lile you working in the study, you don't like him slurping/chomping/breathing.
Your choice.

Attention grabbing little twat.
Stick a bag on his head or LTB?

@Pascal80

You sound full of rage and CONTEMPT for your husband. Contempt is the death of a relationship.

That's why it's vital not to behave in stupid & irritating ways that cause other people to feel contempt for you, yes.

Or was that not your point, @Pascal80?

Fucking hell, I’d have stabbed him by now. The noise is one thing – DP has ADHD, he’s all out of medication and coping by evening so he’s noisy as FUCK, but he wouldn’t deliberately come and wind me up.

I’m sure you’ve tried maturely talking to him when he sits next to you – all “When you do X I feel Y” touchy-feely bollocks – but have you tried rotating your head like Linda Whatserface in The Exorcist and just full on banshee screaming “FUCK OFF I’M WORKING”?

@hotmeatymilk I fucking love you 🤣

I have one like that. Noisy, slurps and sighs and farts and scratches. Does not like if I go to another room and looks at me with big sad dog eyes if I try to do something without him. The difference is that mine is an actual dog.