Why won't he SHUT UP?!

[fixlet]

I'm a teacher, so I usually work for about an hour on the laptop when I get home, replying to emails that stack up during the day, or planning etc.

My husband has usually been home for 45 minutes by himself by the time I get back from work. We have a quick catch up together, then I get on with my work before making a start on dinner.

However, during that hour of work, he makes constant noise, and it's PISSING ME OFF. He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate. If I go to the kitchen table, he follows me and sits next to me. Same if I take the laptop to the sofa.

Now, I do seem to struggle with eating noises generally. However, there is just something about that hour after work, when I'm tired and have dealt with noise and chat all day long from the kids, that is makes my blood boil.

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

AIBU to want to wring his neck?

@Fran2508

Hi - I think teaching makes high demand on you diuring the day so that you crave peace and silence whereas someone in a quieter role may crave sociability. After many years of low level tension I am now very explicit about needing time to mark and transition. Maybe suggest staying at school longer and see if this suits him better?

WTF?

OP has a home, with a study.

Why would she inconvenience herself to "suit him better" when he does fuck-all to accommodate her need to work for an hour each evening?

It's just running away from the underlying problem - which is he thinks his time is more important than hers. Hell - he thinks his leisure time is more important than her job. No need to pander to the unpleasantness of that attitude - he needs to learn some basic manners.

Imagine if all the DW did this when their DHs were trying to WFH.

Like PPs have said, go to your study and lock the door. Wear a nice paid of NC headphones.

He really does need to learn to cook. There are millions of youtube showing exactly how to make anything. No excuses.
What he's doing is pure disrespect and entitlement.

Thank goodness I'm deaf!

I would go to the study and let him sulk tbh.

I would be

Why's he wasting his time acting like a needy pet?

A fine question @lottiegarbanzo, which I sincerely hope OP puts to her DH.

Is there a reason you have to bring the work home? I would be inclined to stay in school and get it done before leaving. When DH and I were both teaching in different schools, I would usually stay in school until 5 - 5.30 (and then do more work at home after supper).

In your situation, I think YANBU to want to work in the study, and perfectly entitled to take yourself off there. He sounds awful following you around everywhere. Otoh, you do sound unnaturally sensitive to some ordinary noises, which is not his fault.

@mam0918

god forbid your husband likes spending time with you... must be awful to be loved.

Perhaps you can come & babysit him @mam0918, while OP cracks on with her work.

You & DH seem to share the same casual disregard for other people's careers, you'll probably get on swimmingly.

I don't think this is funny. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's not nice. Got to the study or go home later.

My husband often "sets up" on the kitchen table and gets really fed up with me/the children for living our lives and not keeping quiet for him. But the difference is that we have a perfectly good office he could be using, but he refuses!

If you need to work in quiet then just take yourself off the study and tell him you'll be out when you're done.

Ltb

I get the performance noises, as I realised this was what a (male) family member started doing when he felt he was not the centre of attention - humming, tapping his teeth, slapping his hand on his knee, giggling his foot. I'd never seen it before. I really do not know how his spouse puts up with that crap.

jiggling his foot. Sorry. Although I'm sure if he was sufficiently flexible, he would be giggling at his foot. . .

If he annoys you that much, why are you with him? Sounds like you hate him.

If I heard my boyfriend talking about me like that, I'd be gutted and hurt.

And would leave.

Mine does this. It was quite sweet the first 100 times but now I send him on errands on his day off so I can have some peace.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

If he annoys you that much, why are you with him? Sounds like you hate him.

If I heard my boyfriend talking about me like that, I'd be gutted and hurt.

And would leave.

Really?

You wouldn't stop even for 1 minute to consider "hey, does he have a point?

If he sulks quietly I'd go to the office any enjoy the quiet.

@ChargingBuck

AIBU to want to wring his neck?

I'd be off like shot.

So you'd stick with someone who thought of you like that?

The noisy eating and slurping of his cups of tea, for me would be enough to having a new patio built

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate

Why? Have you asked him outright why this is? Because it's objectively ridiculous.

Oh dear
i am your husband and I follow my DH around after work because I've missed him all day and i genuinely can't help myself.

It comes from love. Its better than him not being bothered. Go give him a kiss and a cuddle

@saveourtrees

Oh dear i am your husband and I follow my DH around after work because I've missed him all day and i genuinely can't help myself. It comes from love. Its better than him not being bothered. Go give him a kiss and a cuddle

You follow him around? So he's moving from room to room aka needs some time to decompress / has stuff to do and you follow him around?

Have you never thought that that's unhealthy behaviour?

And adults who say 'I genuinely can't help myself' in relation to something that is unhealthy in a relationship shouldn't use it as an excuse, they should see it as something to work on fixing and getting some self control rather than expecting the other person to put up with something unhealthy,

calm down you sound like my dh

@Graphista

He can't cook? I had one of them - I wouldn't accept it I taught him to cook and made it very clear I EXPECTED a grown ass adult to be ABLE to cook.

He can certainly do a freezer to oven meal with eg baked beans done in the micro!

Pasta isn't hard, nor a stir fry with ready done veggies etc

Stop accepting the parental role with this loser!

TELL him (don't ask don't be apologetic) this is part of your job and you WILL be going to the study to work and he must stop acting like a petulant toddler! He is absolutely NOT to disturb you except in literal life or death emergency

I would find this such a turn off!

He needs to grow the fuck up!

You need to grow a spine!

This.

@saveourtrees

calm down you sound like my dh

The one you love and adore so much you miss him all day long?

Maybe try listening to what he says and respecting that he doesn't appreciate the unhealthy behaviour, if you love him so much!

“I’m sure you’ve tried maturely talking to him when he sits next to you – all “When you do X I feel Y” touchy-feely bollocks – but have you tried rotating your head like Linda Whatserface in The Exorcist and just full on banshee screaming “FUCK OFF I’M WORKING”?”

This is the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. And it might actually work! 🤬