Why won't he SHUT UP?!

[fixlet]

I'm a teacher, so I usually work for about an hour on the laptop when I get home, replying to emails that stack up during the day, or planning etc.

My husband has usually been home for 45 minutes by himself by the time I get back from work. We have a quick catch up together, then I get on with my work before making a start on dinner.

However, during that hour of work, he makes constant noise, and it's PISSING ME OFF. He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate. If I go to the kitchen table, he follows me and sits next to me. Same if I take the laptop to the sofa.

Now, I do seem to struggle with eating noises generally. However, there is just something about that hour after work, when I'm tired and have dealt with noise and chat all day long from the kids, that is makes my blood boil.

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

AIBU to want to wring his neck?

He's attention seeking. Work from the study. If he doesn't like that, tell him the alternative is you stay at school to do it, given he can't give you the space you need.

Noise cancelling headphones...
They work in a number of situations - like when trying to cook a meal while the washing machine, extractor fan, microwave, dishwasher, kids bickering, someone else's rubbish music is going on and on (sometimes not all at once). If I feel myself boiling over I put Bowie's Life on Mars on and listen to that while looking down on the chaos pretending I'm actually on Mars.

You can also use them for selective hearing (I learnt this from DP).

DH is on phones all day and comes in and SHOUTS all evening.

@DaisyStiener is it possible that he is heating imparted himself? when did he last have a hearing test?

@RandomBlueSock

Any chance he’s got ADD ?? I’m being serious btw….

That's exactly what I thought. My partner has it & the OPs description of her husband mirrors my partners signs & behaviours.

Mine constantly speaks through TV programmes. When I do it, I get shouted at for spoiling what is on?? There are folks who like quiet, there are folks who like quiet except when they are making the noise. The latter are the ones with the petted lip when you ask for quiet. The answer to scream loudly then walk away.

@FinallyHere yeah no doubt :/
He’s not even supposed to be on the phones in the first place. But he plays musical instruments- so he’s half deaf anyways lol.
And selectively deaf when it comes to hearing me lol

Hi everyone,

Just caught up on your messages- thanks for the great responses!

I already have two later evenings at work because of meetings, and it doubles my commute time home because of traffic, so not keen on staying later to avoid him. I'm currently in the study, with the door locked on the inside, having told him that I need to concentrate on work for an hour. It's been 40 minutes and I've actually done all the urgent stuff I need to do, but he's knocked on the door once already so I'm staying here for the whole hour. :D

The comments about the cooking have surprised me. It's really not an issue- I like cooking, he doesn't. I hate washing up, and he's happy to do it in exchange for cooking. It works for us. I don't think that makes me a martyr, as someone suggested. I wasn't complaining about cooking!

Good to hear you've gone off to the study.
Hopefully, he'll get the message after a couple of days.

Are there any chores he could be doing?

The comments about the cooking have surprised me. It's really not an issue- I like cooking, he doesn't. I hate washing up, and he's happy to do it in exchange for cooking. It works for us. I don't think that makes me a martyr, as someone suggested. I wasn't complaining about cooking!

Maybe not, but "strategic incompetence" is shitty behaviour in a full-grown adult, and you buying into it isn't great. I'd be surprised if it's the only area he uses it.

We're mentioning the cooking as most of us have been there and know what 'just can't cook' really means.

First, cooking is a life skill and any adult should be able to rustle up an acceptable meal. And if you can read, you can follow a recipe. Claiming you cannot possibly is strategic incompetence and very unattractive.

Second, I am assuming you have no children? Are you planning any? Because even if cooking is something you enjoy, it is a whole different ballgame once you have small people you must cook for, every day, whether you feel like it or not. And having a partner not willing to do any of it will be very annoying after a while. Especially as more often than not, men like that will keep discovering other household tasks the simply 'can't do'.

But maybe we're wrong. Who knows.

Nope, he's very capable in other areas and household jobs are divvied out between us.

We're childless (not by choice, sadly) so no need to consider what life might be like with children in the mix. The cats are happy with their Gourmet pouches...

I’m pleased you’re in the study! But I can’t believe he’s actually knocked in the door: puts paid to all the “it’s your misophonia”, “it’s his ADHD” excuses. How are you not furious at his knocking? Or did you drink the gin we suggested?

Like training dogs!

@hotmeatymilk, I replied 'I'm BUSY' to the knocking and he went away.

Maybe I should get one of those dog-training clickers...

I taught classes of 30 6 yo children to leave me alone for 20 minutes while I worked intensively with 5 or 6 of them twice a day. It involved giving them purposeful tasks they could accomplish together, ensuring they had routines for independence (toilet bunnies, spare pencil pot, "What to do if I get stuck" mantra and poster, and clear guidance on when they could interrupt.

The three interruptible categories were:

1. The classroom is on fire and I haven't noticed;
2. Someone has lost consciousness and cannot be roused;
3. Someone is bleeding and it's pumping out in spurts.

They laughed but they got it. OP's DH can, too.

I'd have an airhorn and a small fire extinguisher in the study with me, and if he knocked, I'd burst out, sounding the horn, spraying the extinguisher and shouting, "Emergency! Emergency! Where's the emergency!!!"

He wouldn't knock twice. 😈

I'd remind him when you do come out of the study, not to chap the door when you're working. If the door's closed, he's not to disturb you. Christ, maybe he needs a chart explaining the obvious.

I’d reset the clock every time he knocks. Back to zero for the knock, and stay in there another hour. Perhaps ensure you’ve got snacks, and a pillow and blanket.

@nocnoc

Sign up to a gym like David Lloyd that has a cafe and WiFi. Go there after work with headphones, get work done over a cuppa

Or she could use the study in her own bloody home and her husband could be a big boy and not sulk about it.

@Mirw

Mine constantly speaks through TV programmes. When I do it, I get shouted at for spoiling what is on?? There are folks who like quiet, there are folks who like quiet except when they are making the noise. The latter are the ones with the petted lip when you ask for quiet. The answer to scream loudly then walk away.

If your other half shouts at you then you deserve a better partner. That isn't normal or acceptable.

i just want to get my work done and all i hear is beer cans opening and chomping on chips with that disgusting satisfied sound while he's doing it

[quote fixlet]@hotmeatymilk, I replied 'I'm BUSY' to the knocking and he went away.

Maybe I should get one of those dog-training clickers...[/quote]
or mabye a whistle

there still room in this conversation

@TempleofZoom

Ps he sounds very immature. It would give me "the ick "

The ick happened to me in similar circumstances - OP's DH sounds very like my exp. patio & shovel would've been too good for him. When I dropped off his stuff hostess trolley which had been in my garage for a good while I properly properly realised what the ick thing is....

I agree with everyone else (really laughing at the air horn and fire extinguisher), he should grow up and bugger off when you need peace.

I know what you said about you doing the cooking too, but I also agree that an adult should be able to cook a meal. Have you tried a recipe subscription like Hello Fresh? Really nice meals and step by step instructions honestly an absolute idiot could follow. You only even have to read 1 line ahead for each step. He could make a lovely fresh meal for 2 while you do 45 mins to an hour work in the study.

If your other half shouts at you then you deserve a better partner. That isn't normal or acceptable.

Absolutely agree.

@C8H10N4O2

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around

And he "can't" learn basic life skills like cooking?

Is this actually your DH or a child?

You have to wonder how these moping sad eyed creatures cope at work. All I know is, the thought of sleeping with them would turn my stomach.