Why won't he SHUT UP?!

[fixlet]

I'm a teacher, so I usually work for about an hour on the laptop when I get home, replying to emails that stack up during the day, or planning etc.

My husband has usually been home for 45 minutes by himself by the time I get back from work. We have a quick catch up together, then I get on with my work before making a start on dinner.

However, during that hour of work, he makes constant noise, and it's PISSING ME OFF. He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate. If I go to the kitchen table, he follows me and sits next to me. Same if I take the laptop to the sofa.

Now, I do seem to struggle with eating noises generally. However, there is just something about that hour after work, when I'm tired and have dealt with noise and chat all day long from the kids, that is makes my blood boil.

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

AIBU to want to wring his neck?

I have no idea why women put up with this shit.
Work in the study. Cook every second night. Or if you're working longer hours he should be cooking more often.
I would probably work elsewhere and be seriously reconsidering having this guy in my life, he's certainly not your partner in any sense of the word.

Hi - I think teaching makes high demand on you diuring the day so that you crave peace and silence whereas someone in a quieter role may crave sociability. After many years of low level tension I am now very explicit about needing time to mark and transition. Maybe suggest staying at school longer and see if this suits him better?

This is your "husband"? Maybe he should start acting like it.

How unattractive.

Your mistake is the assumption that you should be taking responsibility for his feelings, and that he has to let you do something in your own home before you can do it.

Treat him like an adult.
Behave like one yourself.

I mean...you're a teacher. It's low level disruption, isn't it? It's fucking hideous to deal with in a lesson because it's persistent and continual and a massive pain in the arse to everyone else trying to get on.

The idea of having to deal with this shit at home as well is making me stabby.

Shut yourself in the study, lock the door and do your work. Fuck him if he doesn't like it. You've got stuff to do. Your day is not done.

He's not a damn toddler. He can cope on his own.

At least you have a quick catch up before working again , DH comes straight in and off to the study, in complete work mode, can barely acknowledge anyone until he’s finished. I find it really rude!

Get a lock for the study and noise cancelling headphones so you can’t hear him when he’s whinging through the door at you.

Don't go home. Go to a coffee shop.

@Looubylou

YABU and oversensitive to complain about normal noises. He is BU to sulk if you go upstairs for an hour. Go upstairs

Oh do fuck off.. how is drumming the table "normal" noise. I would have stabbed or strangled him by now..

I am pretty patient to some extent but my husband knows the look if he starts pissing about when I am trying to work. We have a normal balanced relationship and just some times I need time to do "stuff" for work. If he continually started with that crap I would start boiling a really loud kettle right in the middle of a meeting or hoovering around him. It's just about respecting boundaries really and he is not respecting yours.

@hotmeatymilk

Also get a lock and a mini fridge with gin in it for the study.

I have to say when I read your title - I though "oh no another loving family destroyed by a rampant yowling pedigree cat who has attachment issues" but not. Equally bad. I second the large glass of alcohol (whatever your beverage).

Mine calms down after 2 hours. He has become worse after the clock changed.

But I wouldn't be putting up with your situation from a human I can communicate with. What can he not understand about the fact that you need to work?

LTB

"However, during that hour of work, he makes constant noise, and it's PISSING ME OFF. He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference."

Also, maybe you could suggest to him that he grows up a tad, and instead of fucking around trying to piss you off or get your attention he could use this valuable time to learn how to do that "burn water". He sounds very unattractive..

If you’re concerned about hurting his feelings (and I take on board pp about leaving his feelings with him but this is the op’s reality)

Could you reframe it as, needing an hour to recalibrate after a day at work? You’re like a cup that has been gradually filled by stresses and strains throughout the day and now you need some time to drain so that you can enjoy each other’s company.

That meant to be "learn how to do more than "burn water"

He can't cook? I had one of them - I wouldn't accept it I taught him to cook and made it very clear I EXPECTED a grown ass adult to be ABLE to cook.

He can certainly do a freezer to oven meal with eg baked beans done in the micro!

Pasta isn't hard, nor a stir fry with ready done veggies etc

Stop accepting the parental role with this loser!

TELL him (don't ask don't be apologetic) this is part of your job and you WILL be going to the study to work and he must stop acting like a petulant toddler! He is absolutely NOT to disturb you except in literal life or death emergency

I would find this such a turn off!

He needs to grow the fuck up!

You need to grow a spine!

I'm a teacher. My family are trained to give me a cup of coffee when I come in the door, then back away and leave me alone while I decompress for at least 1/2 an hour. After that, I'm semi-human.

[quote fixlet]@Themilkmanschild, he could burn water, so it works out much better if I cook and he washes up :)[/quote]
Maybe it's about time he learns then.

Tell him to get over it and go to the study. It’s not negotiable and someone who persists being this annoying after repeatedly telling them is doing it on purpose and is an arse. It’s not cute, funny or loving. He is sabotaging your work and your time at home. How would he feel if the table was turned? But I think yabu to have a study and not use it as one. He needs to understand you are serious and doing your work is an important duty you need to do each day.

Just tell him to fuck the fuck off, then go to the study.

Who cares if he 'doesn't like that'? I don't get it, I really don't. Why would you subject yourself to all this disruption when you're trying to work? Why do that to yourself? Don't.

I find this irritatingly disrespectful of him. Does he think your work is just a bit of trivia? I would just go to the study and buy some good quality MASSIVE noise cancelling headphones that very much say “fuck off I’m concentrating on something else” and if he comes into the study I’d just sharply remind him that you’re working and that you’d have the courtesy to respect his need for concentration on his work so you’d like the same”, don’t be nice about it. Then let him sulk. Perhaps he could use his initiative and see what needs doing domestically and get on with it like a proper grown up?

I sympathise. FWIW you will just have to sit him down and talk it through.
My dh will come in from a walk and sit down and tell me EVERYTHING about it, even details of the most trivial conversations. It took quite a long time of me telling him that I wasn't all that interested to make him filter it out a bit. Even now, he'll just ramble on about anything that comes into his head.
I think it's because he was the only child of a single mother, and her life revolved around him.
However, I don't have to put up with it after a long day's work.

@Sunflowerfieldsofgold

Just go to the study I dont get why dont just do that ?

Agree, OP you don’t have to accommodate his needs at detriment to your own

Can you do the extra hour of work at school so that there's a firm divide between school and home?

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

Aaarrrgghhh! Tbf I'm feeling a bit irate already but that makes me so angry! A speciality of my ex. Behave like an arse, ignore my feelings, then do the hurt, self-pitying thing. OMG. I know exactly how fucking infuriating that is OP!

And yes he just wants your attention to be on him and to let you know your job is not important. He might not realise himself that that is his agenda, but it still is IMO.

I'm a ball of fucking feminist rage today if your H came near me with his mopey face he'd get the full medusa glare.

Also, why doesn't he have anything better to do? It just sounds like a big waste of life. Why can't he do a useful domestic task, or go for a run, or read a book? Why's he wasting his time acting like a needy pet?