Why won't he SHUT UP?!

[fixlet]

I'm a teacher, so I usually work for about an hour on the laptop when I get home, replying to emails that stack up during the day, or planning etc.

My husband has usually been home for 45 minutes by himself by the time I get back from work. We have a quick catch up together, then I get on with my work before making a start on dinner.

However, during that hour of work, he makes constant noise, and it's PISSING ME OFF. He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate. If I go to the kitchen table, he follows me and sits next to me. Same if I take the laptop to the sofa.

Now, I do seem to struggle with eating noises generally. However, there is just something about that hour after work, when I'm tired and have dealt with noise and chat all day long from the kids, that is makes my blood boil.

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

AIBU to want to wring his neck?

Him 'not liking it' if you go off to the study is a red flag. He shows his displeasure at you working by deliberately making stupid noises and playing on the phone, singing etc. He's doing it on purpose because he's jealous of you working. His next suggestion will be you quitting your job and becoming dependant on his generosity.

Obviously don't do that.

Go to the study and close the door. He won't like it because it's far more obvious what he's trying to do and he can't exactly come and start barking at you in there.

Oh God OP, I relate to this so much. DP immediately starts with the verbal diarrhoea as soon as I walk through the door. Just yap yap yaps AT me while I'm still in work mode and needing to decompress. He does the thing pp mentioned and follows me from room to room. Also get the wounded look when I tell him to fuck off because I'm getting changed.

I got sent to WFH during the pandemic but went back to the office after only 2 weeks because DP also doesn't understand the concept of a study and would come in and sit right beside me, make noises while I was on the phone, read my work emails over my shoulder.

No advice, OP, sorry. I think you should just kill him

@saveourtrees

Oh dear i am your husband and I follow my DH around after work because I've missed him all day and i genuinely can't help myself. It comes from love. Its better than him not being bothered. Go give him a kiss and a cuddle

Get a job, poppet.

Can you go to the library or starbucks - or sit in the car - anything would be better imv.

OP has a home and a study: she doesn’t need the library or a cafe or the car, she needs an emotionally mature husband with an inner life rich enough that he can cope without her attention for 45 minutes to an hour while she decompresses or concentrates, and doesn’t sulk when she uses the office. It’s really a very, very, VERY small ask from an adult.

Love isn’t following your partner around and only being happy when their sole attention is on you. Love in this instance would be spending his time after work, and the further time while the OP is working, cooking the evening meal so once she’s shaken off the stress of the day and finished her work, she can emerge from the office and they can eat and reconnect. There’s not going to be any connection between a harried OP and a man drumming the fucking table, or a “hid in the car” OP and a man who pounces on her the minute she climbs out of the car.

I don’t find his behaviour amusing or funny. He thinks he is more important than your work and making noises and drawing attention to himself is him being a immature prick. Mutual respect is where he would leave you to get on with your work and then you can both enjoy decompressing when your finished. I am not sure why your not sitting him down and telling him it’s unacceptable and I would btw be spending the hour in the study

He sounds pathetic.

Drinking tea and clearing throat? Doing the dishes?? The utter bastard! 'Wring his neck'????

Reverse the roles and you'd be labelled thoroughly controlling and abusive, 'tongue in cheek' or not.

He sounds really annoying

I wouldn’t like someone putting on a sad face because I need to work in the study for an hour.

How needy & irritating!

I would be doing my work in the study. He can deal with not “liking” that. Why do his wants trump your need for peace while working?

It’s controlling to stop someone going into a room, nothing endearing about it.

@Cheeserton

Drinking tea and clearing throat? Doing the dishes?? The utter bastard! 'Wring his neck'????

Reverse the roles and you'd be labelled thoroughly controlling and abusive, 'tongue in cheek' or not.

She's not actually wringing his neck or even having a go at him, she's just internally annoyed. Being frustrated inside is not being abusive.

It's so easily solved by him not making it an issue if she goes to the study to finish her work.

Stay the extra hour at work. Or a coffee shop or something.

He should be getting on with making dinner, not waiting around for you to finish your work.
He'd be less bored also & you could then be in the study with the door shut.

Urgh my ex was like this but then he'd regularly take over the kitchen table rather than using his own office & make a huge fuss if there were any normal kitchen / cooking / kettle noises & try to stop me doing anything in there

He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference

it isnt just slurping tea and blowing his nose...is it Cheeserton

Sounds like he just wants your company. Hes lonely and you're finally home. How sweet! He's missed you and wants to be near you!

Wait. Youre talking about your DH and not a puppy or a child right?

'Fuck the fuck off you noisy fuck'

If that doesn't work, invest in one (or more) of the following;

1. A dog for him to take for a walk
2. A PS5 with atleast 2 new games
3. A 3 ingredient meals recipe book
4. A subscription to Brazzers (do they still do those?)

If none of these work, then it's last resort tactics - bribery.
BJ for shutting up.

Drinking tea and clearing throat? Doing the dishes?? The utter bastard!

You missed the part where he doesn't let OP to go to her office to finish her work.

I finally realized what this thread reminds me of - remember the episodes in Friends where Ross would show up with a full picnic at Rachel's office, when she was busy and stressed? I bet several of the posters would consider this also romantic and loving. Most people think it's clingy and needy.

I got one.. comes in talking about whatever, I could be on the phone or busy doing something. Completely ignore it. Be rude or shout if you have to. You'll find it different when he is busy with his important business. It's not our job to pander to it, let them sulk. Good idea to factor in a good time for a chat and keep your boundaries clear

Marriages where one person can't give the other person sufficient space have a "best before" date on them.

I'd tell him yours is rapidly approaching if he can't leave you alone.

He needs to learn to cook. It is unacceptable to claim ignorance of such an essential life skill and leave all the cooking entirely to your partner.

So you have to choose between him all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around or noise that drives you to distraction.

Whatever you do, don't give in to his moping. Tell him you are not technically home yet, escape to the study and then emerge when you are ready for the evening together.

Alternatively, could you stay at work for another hour or stop off somewhere with good WiFi snd coffee then come home after the traffic has died down?

On a side note, if he finishes work first, why isn't he doing the cooking to give him something to do while you finish up working?

If you are in the study with the door closed and headphones on, I'd assume you wouldn't be able to see his sad puppy-dog eyes anyway?

He sounds VERY annoying but to be honest you sound a bit ridiculous too OP. What's this "let me go upstairs" nonsense. Just go and stop indulging this rubbish. If he tries to invade your space upstairs tell him to fuck off. If he doesn't fuck off you have bigger issues than you think. Stop making all the dinners too and if you insist on continuing with this weird subservient dynamic I would recommend not having DC with this man as then you really will know what resentment feels like!

Woman up.

@BestZebbie

If you are in the study with the door closed and headphones on, I'd assume you wouldn't be able to see his sad puppy-dog eyes anyway?

She'd feel his eyes boring through the door.

If none of these work, then it's last resort tactics - bribery.
BJ for shutting up.
Please with a thousand WTFs on top be 100% joking.

She also doesn’t need to buy him a dog or a PS5 or a recipe book or anything else. He’s a grown fucking man who can shut up and learn to cook and not control her with his noise and his sulking, all by himself. The onus should not be on the OP here! Except perhaps instigating divorce.

Please with a thousand WTFs on top be 100% joking.

Yes I'm joking. Except the BJ and Brazzers part. Whichever offended you more

(I jest, it's mumsnet, please don't take it so seriously!)

Wtf? Is he 8? Sounds ridiculously immature. So you go in another room and he gets sad? He needs to get a grip!!