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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My doctor just called me a good girl and I died a bit inside

254 replies

Wtfdoctor · 08/11/2021 16:46

I just pretended he hadn't said anything - I don't know what the actual fuck got into him, I think he thought he was being funny or charming or something and I think I was expected to smile and find it funny. But no. It wasn't funny.

He is normally a good doctor who to be fair to him has sorted out a major problem for me because he does actually listen and did blood tests to find out my issue. I generally felt very comfortable with him before this but don't know now at all if I'd feel comfortable going forward. The clinic is hormones/ fertility etc. One of the procedures he recommended I have done is a transvaginal ultrasound and I don't think I can have him do it now.

I just feel really uncomfortable and foolish when I think about it. Am I being oversensitive? I have a lot going on at the moment and wonder if I'm being unreasonable to question having him as my doctor anymore.

OP posts:
Whitecushion · 08/11/2021 20:42

I'd have walked out the door thinking that was a daft thing to say and then gone home and made the tea without giving it a second thought. If you want to lose a good doctor (which you admit he is ) then go ahead and start again with somebody else. It was probably a joke that went slightly wrong. He was most likely trying to put you at your ease. Doctors won't dare open their mouths soon.

Original poster
Wtfdoctor · 08/11/2021 20:45

@VladmirsPoutine

So after finally getting a doctor who listened to you and got you on track to getting sorted you now feel unable to carry on because of his comment. I can't say he'll suffer any more than perhaps someone having a word with him and you'll find yourself potentially all the way back at square one with all but a hope the next doctor is a good'un.
No. I have said I will be keeping him on for managing the medication side of this condition.

I will not be back at square one because now I actually have a diagnosis proven by relevant blood testing. So it's not really the same thing as starting from scratch anyway.

For the physical examinations, I'm going to try a different doctor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtfdoctor · 08/11/2021 20:51

@BingoandBluey

Could he have a young daughter at home? I have to stop myself from giving cbeebies level enthusiastic praise to colleagues at work sometimes, I'm just tired and spend a LOT of time with my young dc.
Sorry, missed your comment but the idea of "cbeebies level enthusiastic praise" made me laugh Grin

No, my doctor doesn't have small kids though, he's well into his seventies and his children are older than I am.

OP posts:
Evangelo · 08/11/2021 21:00

Seeing as you know his age and his home situation, including his children's ages (did he volunteer this information or did you ask him?), I assume he felt comfortable enough talking to you like one of his children.

blueshoes · 08/11/2021 21:07

No. I have said I will be keeping him on for managing the medication side of this condition.

I will not be back at square one because now I actually have a diagnosis proven by relevant blood testing. So it's not really the same thing as starting from scratch anyway.

For the physical examinations, I'm going to try a different doctor.

OP, this sounds like a balanced and sensible approach.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/11/2021 21:07

I think the best thing would have been to say something in the moment and then move on.

Not sure if it’s worth taking it further now, but perhaps if he does anything similar again speak up right there and then.

Original poster
Wtfdoctor · 08/11/2021 21:11

@Evangelo

Seeing as you know his age and his home situation, including his children's ages (did he volunteer this information or did you ask him?), I assume he felt comfortable enough talking to you like one of his children.
Yeah I mean maybe he just speaks like that sometimes to all the women who become regular patients I suppose.

No, I did not ask him anything - he has photos of his family up. And told me a bit about his early work in the field as a young doctor, which was quite a few decades ago.

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 08/11/2021 21:14

@TotallySuper

I agree. What a stupid reason to complain. Do you really think if she had been bad he would have prescribed her something worse? FFS. This world is going bonkers. No wonder the NHS is on its knees if they have to deal with complaints like this. Ok, so it wasn't the best choice of words but to suggest he was going to hurt her if she was bad?! Mental

Lasair · 08/11/2021 21:26

Cultural? I would said “good woman/man”

ScribblingPixie · 08/11/2021 21:26

No. I have said I will be keeping him on for managing the medication side of this condition.
For the physical examinations, I'm going to try a different doctor.

That sounds like a good decision, at least for now. I had a male doctor for a vaginal ultrasound & was a bit unsure because I wasn't expecting it to be an internal one. And he was so impersonal - he said "It's up to you of course, but as a professional I'd be disappointed not to be getting the most accurate information for your treatment" - that I was immediately fine. I'm ok with women being a bit jokey, but not men.

Topseyt · 08/11/2021 21:58

I'd find it patronising and inappropriate. Your approach to it sounds fair and balanced though

LizzieW1969 · 08/11/2021 22:31

@ScribblingPixie

*No. I have said I will be keeping him on for managing the medication side of this condition. For the physical examinations, I'm going to try a different doctor.*

That sounds like a good decision, at least for now. I had a male doctor for a vaginal ultrasound & was a bit unsure because I wasn't expecting it to be an internal one. And he was so impersonal - he said "It's up to you of course, but as a professional I'd be disappointed not to be getting the most accurate information for your treatment" - that I was immediately fine. I'm ok with women being a bit jokey, but not men.

That’s how I feel. I find internal examinations hugely triggering due to CSA, so ‘jokes’, even if well intentioned, would feel completely inappropriate and, yes, creepy.

Since this doctor has made you feel uncomfortable, OP, even if unintentionally, your decision is the right one for you.

IWanderedLonely · 08/11/2021 22:33

A bit dated but wouldn't bother me ( but I am ancient).

windysocks · 09/11/2021 17:37

You are totally overthinking it. He sees loads of people everyday- it's easy to not switch between patients I have said good boy to a girl and vice versa more than once Confused

Suzanne999 · 09/11/2021 17:40

His comment wasn’t totally appropriate.
I’ve had “ Well done, you’re doing well” by a nurse, in an sight test . It wasn’t something I could achieve a higher score in by trying harder, or drawing on innate ability!
Worse was a GP who had a student present. He prescribed me some medication then leaned back in his chair, put his hands behind his head and spun the chair around to face the student. His comment was “ Another one cured” the poor student looked mortified and I made sure I changed GP.

Iamvitality · 09/11/2021 17:46

Most important think is that you feel comfortable - if something makes you feel uncomfortable then you don't need to figure out why or apologise - it is what it is and you should honour your reaction/gut/instincts.
There are lots of great doctors out there but when starting a new relationship id make a point of saying you changed due to what you felt was inappropriate language that made you feel uncomfortable - reinforcing a parent/child relationship when the relationship should be strictly adult/adult and professional.
Hope this helps.

DaisyStiener · 09/11/2021 17:49

Oh Christ I work with young professionals who have to do practical work with me , and I often say “ ok my wee poppet “ or similar motherly affection lol. Sometimes they look a bit surprised, but mostly they’re happy someone is being kind to them as their placements are rough
Eek! Blush it just slips out ha haaa

1forAll74 · 09/11/2021 17:52

You are surely over reacting to this, how silly to get so uptight about such a thing..

Bertiebiscuit · 09/11/2021 17:54

Creepy patronising offensive....... Need I go on - tell him off or make a complaint

KisstheTeapot14 · 09/11/2021 17:57

@BingoandBluey

I had the same thought. Took me ages to resist the urge to nudge anyone near me on the bus and say 'ooh look a tractor!' when I was out without a toddler age DS.

My mum once said to me 'look at that lovely pussy cat!' when we were on our own.

Give him another chance, I suspect just a mistaken comment. Doctors do work long days.

If he does anything like it again - say it back to him as a slightly unbelieving question 'Good girl?'

Then he will have to explain himself.

LiquidSodaCrystal · 09/11/2021 18:00

God, no wonder NHS staff are leaving in droves. He was just trying to make a lighthearted comment. If we force all NHS professionals to say nothing but transactional professional statements it will be very depressing. I had an intimate appointment a month ago and the nurses were very infantilising and also jovial - it was just their way of diffusing a tense situation and I appreciated it.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 09/11/2021 18:02

@Wtfdoctor

Context - "As you're such a good girl, I'm going to prescribe X which is a smaller needle and hurts less".

I have never commented on the needle before so it's also an odd thing to say because not relevant. Perhaps he momentarily confused with someone else and they have a bit of an in joke or something?

Oh that is a bit vile.

I was going to say I’ve had a female care provider ask me to get into an uncomfortable position for something and when I did she said ‘good girl’, which it’s acceptable I think. But the context you describe is different and inappropriate language.

FrankiPanki · 09/11/2021 18:06

My doctor called me darling when she rang off. I've called male friends sweetheart It's just a missmatch of context - a momentary lapse I say good girly to my 51 year old daughter I wouldn't angst about it.

tallduckandhandsome · 09/11/2021 18:07

Good girl has sexual connotations when said to a grown woman.

KisstheTeapot14 · 09/11/2021 18:08

I did have a word with 'my' nurse as she always said 'slight scratch' when giving me an injection (have had every 2 months for about 20 years). I asked her very nicely not to say it as it didn't make it hurt less and I do know what a needle feels like. Weirdly it made it worse as scratch sounds unpleasant to me. Like its done on purpose IFSWIM.

She was doing it totally on auto pilot. To her credit she has remembered ever since and she must inject hundreds of folk week in week out.

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