Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

256 replies

Opentoskychange · 08/11/2021 12:54

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
Thehop · 08/11/2021 12:56

That sounds miserable OP. Have you spoken to him?

Minionbums · 08/11/2021 12:57

Where in the house is he working?

Burnt0utMum · 08/11/2021 12:58

I wouldn't be trying to be quiet or keep the kids away from him. It's your home so you should go about your business as you would normally do. I wfh full time and accept that family life is going on around me. If I really needed quiet I'd find somewhere else to work.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 08/11/2021 12:58

My advice would be to talk to your dh. Working from home isn't just about him, it's about you as a family. You and your ex have as much right to interact with each other as you see fit, as your dh. It's unrealistic to expect dc of that age to be quiet all the time, it's also not fair on them, or you. There's a reason people don't take children into work.

If it's not working for you then you need to come up with a compromise, he works 2 then 3 days a week in the office or when you're at home. With the dc. Or you spend some money and have an office built for him at the bottom of the garden. I did this when I started to work from home about 10 years ago and it's brilliant, much better for me and my family

Talk to him

Chewieboora · 08/11/2021 12:58

Where is he working? Can he wear headphones? Some cancel out all noise.

Original poster
Opentoskychange · 08/11/2021 12:58

I have tried to speak to him but while he listens, he doesn't actually hear me.

He works all over the place. It makes little difference, we can all hear one another and the children know he is there and try to get to him all the time.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/11/2021 12:58

Where is he working? Why can your children see him? Why does he need silence or quiet?

My DH has been home since Feb 20. We've had the usual play dates, friends over for coffee, time alone, time with the kids etc.

Why is normal family life so disruptive to him?

bloodyhoodedeyes · 08/11/2021 12:59

That sounds so hard, can he move his office outside? In a different room? Have you spoken to him about this.

I really don't think WFH is a great idea at all, I personally can't do it but your post highlights how it does really impact whole families.

GoodnightGrandma · 08/11/2021 13:00

Why can’t he go to the office ?

stalkersaga · 08/11/2021 13:00

It would be insanity to lose your marriage over an eminently solvable logistical problem.

Have you told DH how you feel? What does he say? What's his actual work setup?

Failing all other solutions, a desk in a local co-working space is going to be a fuckload cheaper than a divorce.

LittleDandelionClock · 08/11/2021 13:00

@Opentoskychange

When you say you feel like ending things..

Do you mean ending your marriage?

Suzi888 · 08/11/2021 13:01

He either needs to speak to his manager and get back to the office, or is it possible to set up an office outside?
We converted the room underneath the house to an office and had it soundproofed.
He is being totally unreasonable to expect to work from home with a family.

HoppingPavlova · 08/11/2021 13:02

Did you post this exact same story when you were on maternity leave? Sounds very similar. There was a really confusing reason as to why he couldn’t have working space upstairs but worked in the kitchen or something? The consensus was to just carry on as usual and he can suck it up and if he doesn’t like it he can take himself off to the office or find a space upstairs.

If I’m not remembering correctly, the advice above applies anyway.

Chewieboora · 08/11/2021 13:02

He needs to work in one spot which is not a communal area. Is that possible? If not then he needs to go back to the office or as someone said have a dedicated outdoor space for example. Kids need to know that dad is at work whenever he is eg in the spare room. Anything else just won't work.

Merryoldgoat · 08/11/2021 13:03

All these bloody men and their performance working.

My DH has been in meetings all morning and I'm wfh because I have an extremely bad back. I just got back from the doctor and in a short window between meetings he made me lunch and refreshed my hot water bottle.

There are ways that this can be overcome but he doesn't want to. And him not wanting to is frankly him saying he's more important that you.

MatildaTheCat · 08/11/2021 13:03

Stop trying so hard to keep everyone quiet, it’s your home not a workplace. Do invite friends over, make it inconvenient if he does have other options.

I’d be very annoyed about switching his days due to someone needing a lift, that means he’s prioritised them above you. Tell him this.

Communicate your needs more effectively. Or give him the job of keeping them quiet while you work and see how he finds it.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 08/11/2021 13:03

No, I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to end your marriage tbh

Shamoo · 08/11/2021 13:04

I work from home a lot now. I’m in a room with a closed door and headphones in. My DW doesn’t have to do anything differently than if I wasn’t there. He needs to put headphones in at the very least. But also pick a place where he is going to work, and stay there. And not complain if there is normal noise etc.

TotallySuper · 08/11/2021 13:04

I think you need to be more clear - DH I am actually thinking of ending our marriage due to this. He needs to get back in the office full time if that's an option. For now you need to go out more - you mentioned your mum could you go round there a bit more? Can the kids go to nursery a bit? Anything to stop having to say shh etc. Having worked from home during covid with young children I totally understand how you feel.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/11/2021 13:05

Leaving isn't the first option here (and I'm normally very quick to shout it)!

First option is telling your dh that Monday's will be noise as normal in your house. It's up to him whether he goes in to work or not.

UniBallEye · 08/11/2021 13:05

Did you post about this before and there was some mysterious but immoveable reason why he couldn't work in the bedroom? If it wasn't you then someone else has a very similar issue!

I think you need to have a last ditch conversation about the seriousness of the situation and the outcome should be that he sets up a dedicated space to work in a bedroom which he can close the door to. Kids are told firmly that daddy is working and the door is closed in such a way that they can't open it during the day.

Perhaps he comes out for a coffee / lunch and interacts with them .

My dh and I work from home several days a week but we work upstairs and don't disrupt the entire household.

SvartePetter · 08/11/2021 13:05

Agree, stop trying to control the kids and the noise levels. When he complains just ask why he is not in the office. You have to make it more uncomfortable for him to be home than in the office.

Original poster
Opentoskychange · 08/11/2021 13:06

It's not that he finds family life disruptive. It's very hard to explain, but having to constantly explain to a three year old why she can't show her picture to Daddy, and so on, seven times in ten minutes, is horrible.

Last week he sat with my mum and I over lunch and then had to go back to work, cue tantrums from the children, they knew he was in the house but are too little to understand.

I'm very frustrated and lonely and fed up of him, which is horrible as he isn't doing anything wrong!

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 08/11/2021 13:06

I’d be looking to set up a room as a home office or moving to a place where that can be done rather than jumping to LTB

emmathedilemma · 08/11/2021 13:06

YANBU but leaving him (I assume you don't mean taking your own life) seems rather drastic. I agree with others, he really needs to be in the office the days you're at home with the children or needs a separate garden / attic room with firm boundaries around "Daddy's office". I appreciate the separate office at home is not always possible and moving house might not be affordable, it's exactly why I am back in my office!