To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

[Opentoskychange]

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice?

Make the noise, make the mess, do the jobs around him. He has made the choice to work at HOME. Stop making your life miserable.

I have no idea what these "posted about before" people are talking to or about but can we stop, I do actually need help here and troll hunting or trying to out people or watever it is you're doing isn't really on. i was last on Mumsnet regualrly back in 2018. And DH was not at home then. So I am not the person you are trying to out or shame or whatever you're about.

Why can't he work in a room that isn't a communal room?
Why can't you go and visit your mum and your friends?
Why doesn't he go to the office more often?

@Opentoskychange

It's not that he finds family life disruptive. It's very hard to explain, but having to constantly explain to a three year old why she can't show her picture to Daddy, and so on, seven times in ten minutes, is horrible.

Last week he sat with my mum and I over lunch and then had to go back to work, cue tantrums from the children, they knew he was in the house but are too little to understand.

I'm very frustrated and lonely and fed up of him, which is horrible as he isn't doing anything wrong!

Ok, so you don't tell your 3 year old to not go in to him on the days he could go in to the office. That's for him to explain to her, or he can go in to the office to avoid it.

An underlying issue here is - he knows his presence brings sadness to his children, and yet he still does it. That's rather selfish isn't it?

If he could go into the office on one of those days and he’s choosing not to, I agree that it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to keep tiptoeing around him. Carry on as if he wasn’t there, and he’ll either have to put up with the disruption or go in to work. When your mum shushes you, tell her it’s fine because if he was bothered he’d go to the office.

But can't he shut the door, put a picture up outside with a picture of him working or something then when it's the end of the day change it to a different one so the three year will understand there is work time and non work time? or is he not in a room with a door?

He needs to be clear that Mondays and Wednesdays are protected parenting times. Unless he is spending the day parenting then he needs to suck it up or go to the office.

When we were all told we had to work from home his response was somewhat understandable as there were no other options. That isn’t the case anymore so he needs to respond flexibly.

The problem is, he isn't in his "Home office" which is actually the spare room meaning that's also taken over, all day. He moves around, a lot. So he'll come downstairs and work the kids up and then vanish, he'll have lunch and then go, he is here and there. It's not a problem when I'm at work and the kids in nursery but we can't do anything, no messy play, music, radio 90s on all day argggghhh.

He needs a home office in a room with the door closed. Then you just get on with your normal life. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult TBH. Lots of people are managing it.

My husband has worked from home for our entire relationship, starting before kids. Our child is now a teenager. The only time we were ever quiet is if it was an incredibly important meeting. Otherwise life went on as normal. He needs to find a workspace in the house away from family life.

I have also worked from home all of our child’s life. The same rules apply. Her life doesn’t stop just because we are working. It was a bit trickier with me because she would get upset if she say me during the day, so I shut myself in a room with access to an en-suite bathroom and packed a lunch.

You would be crazy to break up your family for this. Just find him a workspace in your home and a set of headphones and start living life like normal.

I would tell him from now on, on a Monday when he should be in the office, you will not be keeping the dc quiet, there will be noise and mess, and friends, just act as if he wasn't there, he'll soon sort himself out, also everyone else in his position buys good noise cancelling headphones, not expect their families to suffer like this, he's being selfish, get back to normal, then decide from there if you want to leave him or not

I agree this is a logistics problem and possibly a recalibration of his thinking about where random work person needing a lift comes in the priority order. It's not an '' end the marriage, do split residency, sharing Christmas, paying maintenance, splitting assets and everything else that comes with divorce.'. Sit him down, communicate how his work (non) pattern is impacting you and ask for his thoughts on solutions. It can be easy to fall into a mindset that work is top priority and can be said no too, but the spouse can will understand or cope because its work. This is a problem to be solved, not a upturn everyone's lives situation.

I feel your pain. DP works from home now too and for a time I felt like that Korean lady running in and dragging her kids away from interrupting their dad’s TV interview.

I’ve absolutely stopped stopping them be noisy. It’s a home. Kids have tantrums, make noise etc. Tough.

So he needs to stop doing that then, have you discussed this with him and made it clear how disruptive he is being? It sounds very irritating. If he's working he should be upstairs, apart from lunchtime then upstairs again while normal daily life goes on.

Just stop! Don't stop them disturbing him, have your friends round and make the usual amount of noise. He chooses to work from home and he chooses to do so all over the house, if it is too disruptive for him then he can go to the office but home is home and you should stop accommodating now he's there out of choice.

Sounds like 100% his fault. He turns up in the room those two days, I’d do nothing to stop the dc bothering you and chasing him back to his room. He can remove them, shut the door and I’d let them bang on it for a while. Consequences. Stop protecting him so much from them.

Have you actually said 'DH - you need to work in your office and not all over the house - we can't manage like this and it's not fair'?

If you have and he ignores you then you aren't being unreasonable in leaving him because he's being very selfish.

This is a very easy problem to solve IF he wants to. He clearly doesn't so he's very clearly saying his time is more valuable and important than yours.

The reason people are asking if you posted before is because a whole host of women have been posting about selfish bastard husbands performance-working all over the house and refusing to actually us the dedicated space that was so essential before lockdown.

@Opentoskychange

The problem is, he isn't in his "Home office" which is actually the spare room meaning that's also taken over, all day. He moves around, a lot. So he'll come downstairs and work the kids up and then vanish, he'll have lunch and then go, he is here and there. It's not a problem when I'm at work and the kids in nursery but we can't do anything, no messy play, music, radio 90s on all day argggghhh.

Well then he's horrible isn't he??

So ovary-up and tell him that the kids will be making noise and there will be messy play and that the radio is run by the family on family days so he can work in the chaos or work in his home office.

Sit him down and tell him everything you have said on here. Tell him how you feel and how stressed and miserable it's making you.

Personally I would just stop facilitating this. He has an option to work elsewhere, you don’t and you are still “working” whilst looking after the two kids at home. I would invite my friends and family over and stop Shushing the kids. Family homes are noisy.

i have of course tried to speak to him about this for months and months on end. It doesn't work. He just doesn't understand.

So I am now either going to have to accept that my life is extremely difficult, and it is, and lonely, and put up with it, or plan for a different life. I get it sounds extreme and maybe it is if you are used to working from home or your partner does. But this has taken over our whole lives. When I am home I have crying, upset children I can't properly play with or enjoy because we will start an activity, he will walk into the midst of it, I will have to answer questions about it, he goes again, the children cry, it takes the pleasure out of it. Same for music and art and laying in the garden.

I can't take the children to my mum's because it's a ninetry minute drive, I don't want the kids doin a three hour journey to a home that's not set up for little children, every week.

I have of course tried to speak to him before getting to the point of thinking about leaving.

And it isn't about whether i can do things or not, but it's when you realise there's no aspect of your life that's enjoyable, that's when it's a problem,

It is entirely his choice not to carve out an appropriate working environment so I’m a bit confused as to why you’re making yourself miserable trying to keep everyone quiet and away from him. Just crack on! If the kids go and interrupt him, ask them not to but if they continue then just shrug if he complains. Invite people over, live a normal family life in your home. If that isn’t conducive to him working then he will have to go to his office or come up with another arrangement. Honestly I think you’re mad tying yourself in knots about this. If your mum tried to shush you just laugh and tell her it’s your husband’s choice not to work in his office and then carry on talking as normal.

Does he actually complain about the noise and disruption? Because it sounds like it’s just you worrying about it? Honestly just crack on with your life

Don't pander to him. He has an office upstairs, he needs to stay in it. Can he take a kettle/packed lunch etc up there? It really isn't fair expecting you to completely restrict yours and your children's perfectly normal requirements just because he wants to use every room in the house. He is upsetting his children and expecting you to deal with it. This is really bad for them and for you.
If he can't be considerate and unselfish he needs to go back to his work place.