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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

256 replies

Opentoskychange · 08/11/2021 12:54

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
Chewieboora · 08/11/2021 13:19

If he's not willing to take his own wife and kids into account then fair enough OP. What's his response when you've said all this to him? Sounds very selfish.

DriftingBlue · 08/11/2021 13:19

Wait. Before you said it was because he expected the kids to be quiet. Is the real issue that the kids get upset when he pops in and out?

Newnews · 08/11/2021 13:21

Just let them go into his office then. They will annoy him but that’s kind of the point now. Hopefully that will make him realise he needs to go back into the office.

Merryoldgoat · 08/11/2021 13:22

Then yes leave, because he’s an arsehole.

TrufflesAndToast · 08/11/2021 13:23

Ok if it’s the popping in and out them tell him one evening that if he does that from now on, you will be sending the upset kids in to him to comfort. And mean it.

You need to make the consequences of this HIS problem. He will soon solve it then. The fact that he doesn’t give a toss about you and won’t make changes if they’re only making your life miserable and not his…well that’s something to reflect on. Have you told him that his behaviour is endangering your marriage, actually spelt out how serious this is?

Serenschintte · 08/11/2021 13:27

Why don’t you show him this thread?
Also as another poster said crack on with your day. If your 3 year old goes to daddy don’t stop him.
I agree it’s difficult if he is walking into the room but make this his problem to solve.
It’s your home. Not an office. And if he won’t stay in one room then he needs to be part of the solution.

Marvellousmadness · 08/11/2021 13:28

There is an program that cancels out all background noise. Especially for people that work from home and have kids too.
Lemme see if i can find it

Cuntness · 08/11/2021 13:29

I really don't think this is the same poster as before.

OP, there's a poster who repeatedly made threads about her husband working from home and how much she disliked it. From memory, they only had one child and an open plan bungalow, though. And it was a fairly new relationship.

diddl · 08/11/2021 13:29

Of course he understands-he just doesn't give a fuck!

Why would he deliberately make your life harder?

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 08/11/2021 13:29

You need to talk to him honestly about this. Tell him exactly what you’ve told us. I also remember a previous poster writing exactly the same when they were on maternity leave. They said they could never have a lie down as he worked in the bedroom even though they had an office outside built for him.

I know how you feel. I need alone time. If I were with my husband 24/7 I just wouldn’t cope well.
It’s healthy to have some space Flowers

RubyTuesday70 · 08/11/2021 13:29

Why on earth are you pandering to him?

I'd have bought the kids a drum kit and a recorder each by now, have the TV on full blast with extra bass, and be making as much noise as humanly possible.

You're just as much to blame as your DH is here, because you've enabled his behaviour.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 08/11/2021 13:30

I wouldn’t leave, but I wouldn’t be stressing myself either. Every time he moans, mention he should go into the office then. Don’t let him push you out of your own home.

TotallySuper · 08/11/2021 13:30

@Opentoskychange

i have of course tried to speak to him about this for months and months on end. It doesn't work. He just doesn't understand.

So I am now either going to have to accept that my life is extremely difficult, and it is, and lonely, and put up with it, or plan for a different life. I get it sounds extreme and maybe it is if you are used to working from home or your partner does. But this has taken over our whole lives. When I am home I have crying, upset children I can't properly play with or enjoy because we will start an activity, he will walk into the midst of it, I will have to answer questions about it, he goes again, the children cry, it takes the pleasure out of it. Same for music and art and laying in the garden.

I can't take the children to my mum's because it's a ninetry minute drive, I don't want the kids doin a three hour journey to a home that's not set up for little children, every week.

OP you're not listening

STOP DOING IT

stop being quiet, shushing the kids, being lonely etc. He can work elsewhere!he has an office to go to but chooses not to!! Prioritise yourself and your children! How stunting it must be for the little ones to be shushed all day. Stop it!!

Fernando072020 · 08/11/2021 13:30

If he can go into the office, then he should. If he chooses not to, then I just wouldn't be tip-toeing around him. That's his problem

Dixiechickonhols · 08/11/2021 13:32

You need to speak to him and tell him what you’ve put here.
He needs to work in room away from you. Shut door (get a bolt if necessary). Headset on.
3 is old enough to understand Daddy is working do not go in. DH needs to be on board - not sitting in lounge, flitting in and out.
One perk of wfh is he can see them at lunch.
If he’s permanently wfh then a home office shed in garden for him might be answer.

knittingaddict · 08/11/2021 13:32

@UniBallEye

Did you post about this before and there was some mysterious but immoveable reason why he couldn't work in the bedroom? If it wasn't you then someone else has a very similar issue!

I think you need to have a last ditch conversation about the seriousness of the situation and the outcome should be that he sets up a dedicated space to work in a bedroom which he can close the door to. Kids are told firmly that daddy is working and the door is closed in such a way that they can't open it during the day.

Perhaps he comes out for a coffee / lunch and interacts with them .

My dh and I work from home several days a week but we work upstairs and don't disrupt the entire household.

I thought that it might be that person too.
Nanny0gg · 08/11/2021 13:32

Why does he keep 'popping in'?

Marvellousmadness · 08/11/2021 13:33

This is what i found

Let him look into this

Dont become a noise prisioner in your own house.

medium.com/@remoteteamcom/best-noise-cancelling-applications-for-remote-workers-df23e91f74dc

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 08/11/2021 13:33

Ahh while I was typing the thread moved on quite quickly.

If you’ve talked to him bluntly and he doesn’t give a fuck then I think you have your answer.

Cuntness · 08/11/2021 13:33

Anyway, OP, my husband and I both WFH.

When I'm working, my husband would make sure our son didn't come into the room I was working in. But I didn't expect silence. I've also had to attend Teams meetings with my son in the same room (he once started shouting "penis" and I had to turn my mic off PDQ!). My company have actually been really good about family disruptions because they know we all have lives outside of being an employee. Is it really necessary for you to be so quiet when he's working?

Thinkbiglittleone · 08/11/2021 13:33

Really, you can't play with your children in the garden or do art because your husband works from home, sorry but this sounds ridiculous.

Just carry on with your day and if he moans you say, "go back to your work office then" it's the kids home, they should be able to play in it. He has an alternative, they don't.

knittingaddict · 08/11/2021 13:35

Just seen that it wasn't you op, but the situation was very similar. Apologies.

TotallySuper · 08/11/2021 13:35

@Thinkbiglittleone

Really, you can't play with your children in the garden or do art because your husband works from home, sorry but this sounds ridiculous.

Just carry on with your day and if he moans you say, "go back to your work office then" it's the kids home, they should be able to play in it. He has an alternative, they don't.

Absolutely!
Dixiechickonhols · 08/11/2021 13:36

If he won’t listen email him. Then live your life as if not there. Be noisy, have friends over etc.
Flask in room and agree a lunch hour. If he’s got an bedroom office no excuse. Stress how it’s upsetting child she’s confused. Daddy’s going to work now and he stays in office. She’ll forget he’s there.

Aprilx · 08/11/2021 13:37

For goodness sake, just tell him to stay in one room and stop all the dramatics about ending the marriage over something so simple.

Quite why having a husband in the house is so stressful is beyond me anyway but still it seems very easy to resolve. (And yes my husband was permanently working from home from March 2020 for eighteen months but unlike the posters that have started the many threads like this, I like my husband and don’t find his presence so offensive).