To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

[Opentoskychange]

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice?

@Opentoskychange

I have no idea what these "posted about before" people are talking to or about but can we stop, I do actually need help here and troll hunting or trying to out people or watever it is you're doing isn't really on. i was last on Mumsnet regualrly back in 2018. And DH was not at home then. So I am not the person you are trying to out or shame or whatever you're about.

No one is trying to shame anybody. Just curious as it's a slightly similar situation.

I remember the other thread, DP was a dick.

This is a simple disagreement over living quarters - ending a marriage over this seems impossibly dramatic. Things like this will come up from time to time in even the happiest relationships. I would hate for my kids to know I divorced their dad for this reason.

I actually think you should leave. And I don't blame you for wanting to. Despite what you say, I believe you have posted about this before. Your husband knows what he's doing.

If I remember correctly, he insisted on WFH all the way through your maternity leave - ruining it for you - and he oh-so-coincidentally decided to start working back in the office when you went back to work.

Now you're back at work three days a week, he's suddenly finding flimsy excuses to work from home on both of your two days off. Making sure he's there - ruining your peace, stopping you from doing what you want with the kids.

Every time you post the alarm bells get louder and louder OP.

It makes no sense for him to choose to work from home on one of the two days a week when there are small children at home all day, not when he has the option of going into an office.

If he's genuinely not bothered by the noise and the mess and the disturbance then just crack on and do your thing. What's the problem?

If he is bothered by it, then he ought to go to the office.

I really am listening, but I don't think people are understanding that there is nothing enjoyable about being at home when someone is working there.

You are constantly aware of noise. Even if you just crack on anyway, you're aware.

Same with mess.

Someone has a tantrum and he appears to ask about it. Or I say "ds was hard work today" he says "yes I know" and I die a little inside.

Also, it's causing problems elsewhere. He doesn't go anywhere, so weekends he will actually drive around just so we're not in the house. This weekend he suddenly swung in a different direction and I asked what he was doing "oh I'll go the scenic route." Then the children fell asleep and disturbed bed time. it's seeping everywhere and it's toxic. He isn't the man I married.

But I see I jave been decided to be another poster. Thanks Mumsnet.

[quote Marvellousmadness]This is what i found

Let him look into this

Dont become a noise prisioner in your own house.

medium.com/@remoteteamcom/best-noise-cancelling-applications-for-remote-workers-df23e91f74dc[/quote]
That won’t stop him turning up in every room and upsetting the dc. I doubt the op has been clear enough - I’d stomp in, bring the dc and snacks into his office and say daddy wants to play, I can’t think of any other reason he’d still be not only working from home these days we are home but appearing constantly and upsetting the dc unless he’s completely ignored every thing I’ve said to him about its MAKING ME AND THE CHILDREN MISERABLE. I’m going out for the afternoon as I can’t stand this for another minute. Be nice to your children.

And go out. For hours. Honestly. Go have a drink/coffee, call a friend and rant, have a walk, do not get back to your house for several hours. Tell him you’re not doing it anymore so this is the new normal. He’s home those days, you won’t keep the dc out or quiet and you will take a few hours out on your own.
This is absolutely what I would do. It must be easier than ending your marriage surely.

Actually I do get it @Opentoskychange I told you that. It’s crap. You say you’ve talked to him, you say nothings changed… if you don’t want to do something like @timeisnotaline has said then you should leave him.

I have been in a similar situation (older kids tho), and eventually I did what others have said - I completely stopped taking his need for quiet into account.
What was interesting was that - he didn't mind. When he NEEDED quiet, he managed to hide himself away, but actually a lot of the time he (amazingly!) doesn't mind interruptions. I was taking a lot of trouble to solve a problem that he didn't need solving.
So: try out pretending that he's not at home (in terms of the noise the children make) and never discourage them from going and showing Daddy things.

For what it's worth, I think you just go about your day as you would. He has options to go and work elsewhere if he needs peace, let the three year old take the drawings to him, disrupt him as much as it's disrupting you. When he complains you agree, yes it's really not working having you working at home is it dear, what are you going to do about it? It's his responsibility not yours. I did a period of WFH with kids, most people have done it given recent circumstances. It's shite and I wouldn't prolong it through choice.

I wfh, DH wfh. School hols there is noise and mess and tantrums and telly and door going every 5 mins. DH is upstairs 7.30-5.30 unless getting food. Wears headphones. Doesn't hear most of it, what he does hear doesn't matter - his needs don't trump ours?

If he's not listening to you then I would leave, seems symptomatic of him not treating you nicely?

Don't understand the driving at the weekend thing. He drove them around to get them to sleep and fuck up bedtime? That is bad. Did you say turn around, they'll be awake too late?

You've tried. He can't/won't hear you. But you're still protecting him from facing facts by keeping the kids quiet when he decided to work from home. Why? Just let the kids rip, do whatever you want, and let him deal with the consequences. Because if he doesn't care how you feel, why should you care about his needs? He'll soon bugger off back to the office when you stop making everything work for him.

My DH works from home and I have 2 DC here (one at preschool half day - I'm a SAHM) but its absolutely fine, I don't make them be quiet all day. It's their home, not his office, he has to fit around them rather than the other way around. They often run in the room he's in, he'll scoop toddler DD up & she'll sit on his lap in the meeting.

Did you ask him not to drive the scenic route so that the DCs wouldn't sleep?

This seems a really ridiculous thing to be thinking about ending a marriage over. As others have suggested, noise cancelling headphones would be a great place to start so you don't feel like you have to keep the noise down all day. My husband works from home talking to clients on the phone until nine in the evening. We have five children ranging from 2-9. He has an office in the bedroom and the children know they can't go in once the bedroom door is closed. When he has a break the children love it. They see so much more of him than they did when he had to commute. Can you not take the children for a walk/drive/swimming/softplay if its so unbearable being in the house while he's working for a couple of days a week? What about naps and netflix?

Seems to me you've been given plenty of advice and ideas on how you could tackle your issues?

Or I say "ds was hard work today" he says "yes I know" and I die a little inside

Why do you die a little inside? Your DS is tiny and is allowed to have a tantrum in his own home. If his father is disturbed by it, he should go into work.

He doesn't go anywhere, so weekends he will actually drive around just so we're not in the house

Do you ever go out anywhere on your own without him or the DCs?

it's seeping everywhere and it's toxic

What do you mean by 'toxic' - can you say more about that?

DH and I both have a day a week with DS while the other person is working from home so I understand it's tricky.

We manage this by spending a lot of time out of the house, agreeing that the person who is working won't walk in and out constantly (it is very disruptive) but accepting that it's our son's home and he can make noise.

bolt on door?
headphones?
allow children 15 minutes visitation in day and put pictoral sign on door that children might understand like sun = come in
he goes to local library?
cafe?
office?

it sounds like total hell and I really feel for you

I don’t think she’s considering leaving because he’s working from home. It’s because he doesn’t listen and doesn’t care about her feelings. Working from home is a red herring

I’ll ask again, why can’t he go to the work office ?
If the answer is that he can’t, and this is the way it will always be, he needs to hire a desk somewhere and work out of the house.

but having to constantly explain to a three year old why she can't show her picture to Daddy, and so on, seven times in ten minutes, is horrible

Why are YOU having to do this? It sounds as though he is just avoiding being a parent. HE should explain to her that he is working. He also needs to get his arse back into the office. No excuses.

You sound like you are looking for any excuse to end things. Surely there is 100 things you as a family could try/change before ending things

Your latest update is a different thing.. I don't get what the driving around is all about. But the 'dying inside' comment is odd. Are you fundamentally unhappy with him as a husband, father, partner? Do you enjoy each others company? Separate to the wfh issue?
And to the pp who won't believe the op hasn't posted this before, do go away. This isn't an uncommon situation and it's absolutely outrageous that you've just decided she's lying and are handing down your 'advice' from on high.

I don't really think your DH working from home is the problem, OP. You clearly dislike him intensely and can't stand him being around (and those feelings may well be justified, it's not possible for us to know from your post). That's reason enough to leave him, to be honest.

@Itsnotallaboutyoubaby

I don’t think she’s considering leaving because he’s working from home. It’s because he doesn’t listen and doesn’t care about her feelings. Working from home is a red herring

And because he goes out of his way to make sure he's there, watching her all the time. So she can't do anything without centring him. I bet it really annoys him that she goes to work.

It's not normal for him to have no friends or hobbies. It's not normal for him to never go out. It's not normal to live this claustrophobically. None of this is normal.

God, this sounds like really hard work! I don’t know what to suggest if he’s oblivious he’s causing you a problem. Will he not commit to one location? Eg spare room until lunchtime? Have you had a proper “cards on the table, this is relationship-threatening” talk when the DCs are in bed? Because if you have and he’s still doing it - that’s really not good. If not, I suspect he doesn’t realise quite how annoying it is to have him permanently revving up the DCs.

Also - how annoyed is he if you let the kids go to him? Is it worth playing “natural consequences” and letting your DD interrupt him to show him her picture, etc?

DH is occasionally WFH on my days at home with our toddler. Our routine is normally that we go out in the morning (swimming class or playgroup), come home late morning, play, have lunch, then nap, then school run. DH sets himself up downstairs for the morning, then relocates to the bedroom, comes back down when it’s time for DC’s nap, and then either back up or out when I do the school run.

In your shoes, it sounds like it’s DH’s behaviour rather than the logistics that’s the problem - so I think you need a really serious talk where you ram home the extent to which this is affecting you, or he needs to find somewhere else to work on days you’re at home. Either he goes into the office or he uses one of those WFH spaces where you can rent an office space for a fixed period (around the school run can be quite affordable). But you can’t go on like this.

Does he not do days out with you at weekends? Can you get him to take the kids out so you get some time to yourself? The driving around thing sounds mad - and as if this is symptomatic of a wider issue.

To me it sounds as though you feel "observed" when he is there?

Or I say "ds was hard work today" he says "yes I know" and I die a little inside
But I don't see him saying "I know" as anything wrong. DS is little tantrums happen. DH is in the house, he's going to hear them. Why is him hearing the kids causing you anxiety