To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

[Opentoskychange]

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice?

Stop trying to keep kids away. Let them see him if they want to. If he doesn't like it he can go to the office.

You could also go out more.

I completely agree with you NOT needing to be quiet or keep children quiet but also this.

Covid seems to have made motherhood so isolated and the norm seems to be to stay home now.
I was out all day. School run then 10am to 12 for mum and baby / tot playgroups, then lunch out at / and afternoon at soft play / park / museum / swim etc. School run then school kids activities with tot with us.
Seems its not done so much now. My days out cost around £5 then inc lots if cups of tea. 2002 / 2008. Sad its not that now.

It was a rare afternoon I was home alone with tots. People used to say it turned you mad staying in all day and it certainly was harder / made you tear your hair out, as the saying went.

@Interrobanger

The driving around thing is so weird.

Don't you just go out and do normal family activities on the weekends? It sounds like if you're not at work, all of you are stuck in the house together all the time. Why is a scenic drive your only opportunity to go out? Would he not come with you to take the kids swimming or to soft play or something?

Yes this sounds a little odd. Don’t you go out somewhere like a park or visit somewhere instead of driving around? Imo he sounds selfish, unreasonable & possibly controlling. Although from what you have said it sounds like you are enabling this behaviour- why keep the house quiet for him if he can go & work in the office? If he chooses to work from home, then tough he can put up with the noise. Why is he moving around the house working in different rooms during the day? That’s just odd. Invite your friends around & just live normally. Maybe after living how you want for a few months you can then make a clear assessment of what you want to do regarding your marriage. Good luck.

I think expecting you all to be quiet while he works from home is actually abuse. Where does he suggest you go? I had a friend married to someone who worked nights and he expected silence from 9.00 am until 5.00 pm. He was an abusive, violent asshole and his family were terrified of him. So I’m sorry but big red flags from me.
Ps my lovely uncle also worked nights and us kids carried on as normal.

He does sound selfish. You could try a week if not telling the ex to be quiet, let them interrupt him and make lots of noise. If/when he complains then tell him you've spoken to him about it already and as nothing g has changed you've presumed he's happy with it so you are carrying on 'as normal'

Op , I really feel for you, you sound so stressed and at the absolute end of your rope.

You are probably at one of the most challenging stages of parenting that there is. And that's without your DH being at home all the time. You don't sound as though you are working as a team at all. He is making things worse not better. You desperately need a break.

I totally get it. My DH worked from home for a year and I was really depressed by the end of it. I just felt truly desperate to have some time alone. And my DH is a decent man.

Op if words aren't working then something tangibly different has to happen. I would choose a day when he doesn't have a big meeting or something, but don't tell him in advance, and then just leave him with the one year old and three year old and walk out of the door and go and stay in a hotel or with your mum for a couple of days. He will have to take emergency leave. Don't ask permission. Just do it. And say you won't come back unless something changes. Desperate means for desperate times

*of not telling the dc to be quiet

surely children can learn that they can see a parent later but not now?

@Opentoskychange

I really am listening, but I don't think people are understanding that there is nothing enjoyable about being at home when someone is working there.

You are constantly aware of noise. Even if you just crack on anyway, you're aware.

Same with mess.

Someone has a tantrum and he appears to ask about it. Or I say "ds was hard work today" he says "yes I know" and I die a little inside.

Also, it's causing problems elsewhere. He doesn't go anywhere, so weekends he will actually drive around just so we're not in the house. This weekend he suddenly swung in a different direction and I asked what he was doing "oh I'll go the scenic route." Then the children fell asleep and disturbed bed time. it's seeping everywhere and it's toxic. He isn't the man I married.

But I see I jave been decided to be another poster. Thanks Mumsnet.

Do you like anything about him?

Do you get to make any decisions about your life?

YANBU OP, because the issue isn't that he's working from home - it's that he isn't listening to your very valid points, and won't concede that there needs to be a compromise. That is really toxic.

There's no reason why he couldn't agree to always be in the office on your non working days, or at the very least to stay in the home office and accept whatever level of noise and mess you make without comment. Him refusing to listen to you is a sign of disrespect, and it's no wonder it makes you feel shitty.

What a ridiculous situation! Your husband is entitled to work from home of course. He needs to pick a closed room for this. If he were my husband mine would prefer to go to the office if there were very young kids. It seems unfair on you but divorce is over the top. You have a family so it is not so easy and you may find yourself in a worse position.

@Jasmine11
But if it is causing this much stress that you are thinking of ending your marriage then your DH needs to go and work elsewhere. Does he know you are thinking of this drastic solution?

I agree, but honestly I don't think that his WFH can be causing enough stress to end the marriage, particularly as he doesn't seem to be complaining about anything.

Also if you must stay home please do:
Messy play
Art
Playing in garden
Music
Radio on
CBBC on tv
Toys and push toys running along corridors.

This is not on:
"can't do anything, no messy play, music, radio 90s on all day argggghhh."

What do you do with them all day? On ipad with headphones???! That is very not good.
If he,'s insisting they can't play at home then do consider LTB.
Also have radio on, tv on and children playing and shrieking and you talking to friend when friends are round. I would.
Your mum doesnt sound much better. She's ingrained this subservience in you. Shh! No, fuck that! Who made him king?
You are a free human being. He does not control you. Children must be allowed to play.

YANBU OP, because the issue isn't that he's working from home - it's that he isn't listening to your very valid points, and won't concede that there needs to be a compromise. That is really toxic.

Yep.

When your partner tells you they are unhappy about how your family home is organised right now, the sensible thing is to listen, engage in the discussion and look at ways you can both plan to improve matters - up to and including moving to a house that suits you all better.

If he won't do that, then your leaving is really nothing to do with his working from home. Your leaving is because it's not a partnership and he's not participating in making it one.

Up to you if you want to give him one last chance to do so: "Husband, I am so despertaely unhappy with how things are at the moment that I am thinking of leaving you. Will you work with me to try to find a solution?".

[quote Megalameg]@Interrobanger
It’s quite normal to still be working from home these days after the pandemic and some people are just homebodies. He could probably be more considerate but are you really jumping to suggesting he’s working from home to try to control her as an abuser? Literally nothing about this gives any real indication of that.[/quote]
To be quite honest, yeah, I am suggesting that.

There are red flags waving all over this.

OP is highly anxious about carrying on as normal while he's in the house. Either she has some sort of PND/anxiety disorder, or she is scared of his reaction.

He can't or won't understand or hear OP when she tries to explain that his wfh is disruptive for her and the children.

He finds excuses to wfh on the other day when she will be home with the children. I wonder how often he spontaneously decides to wfh on days she's not there.

OP says he never goes out or leaves the house. I understand some people are homebodies, but this doesn't sound normal. And, it sounds like OP is expected to stay home with him as well. Perhaps OP could clarify?

It also sounds like OP doesn't get any time on her own without the DCs, unless she's at work - ie, he never looks after his own children. Perhaps OP could clarify?

@Opentoskychange

It's not that he finds family life disruptive. It's very hard to explain, but having to constantly explain to a three year old why she can't show her picture to Daddy, and so on, seven times in ten minutes, is horrible.

Last week he sat with my mum and I over lunch and then had to go back to work, cue tantrums from the children, they knew he was in the house but are too little to understand.

I'm very frustrated and lonely and fed up of him, which is horrible as he isn't doing anything wrong!

It sounds like there's something much bigger going on here than just the WFH issue.

You are being a bit of a drip OP. Stick on CBeebies at loud volume and very assertively tell him to get out of the DCs space during the day. Embarrass him on a call once if necessary.

OP says he never goes out or leaves the house.

This may be way off but does he suffer from anxiety at all?

YANBU OP, because the issue isn't that he's working from home - it's that he isn't listening to your very valid points, and won't concede that there needs to be a compromise. That is really toxic.

Another one completely agreeing with this statement. It sounds like he doesn't listen you generally - e.g. the driving around thing.

Your comment about dying inside re DC's behaviour suggests that you and your DH are really not a team. Is he judging you for the behaviour? When my DH was WFH during lockdown, he would come down after a hard day (and of course he could hear if it had been a hard day!) and give me a big hug. "I know" can have a lot of different connotations; it's not clear how he's saying it.

You seem really unhappy, OP - there are quite a lot of helpful/supportive comments here but you have focused a lot on the ones wondering if you're someone else (which I don't think was intended to be offensive anyway). If your DH is making you this unhappy then you need to tell him, and tell him that you're thinking of leaving - if he doesn't take that seriously, and change his behaviour accordingly, then it doesn't sound like you two can have much of a positive future together.

If I'm reading this right, the real problem isn't the WFH and it isn't noise and it isn't you and the DC interrupting him: it's him interrupting you!

Every time you get an activity started, he's leaving his work and barging in, expecting to take priority, upsetting the DC by interrupting them and drawing your attention away from them, then disappearing, leaving a trail of disturbance in his wake.

Just say to him, "The DC need routine and you're destroying it!"

He can't swan around distracting everyone. If he's at work he needs to be invisible behind a closed door. He can come "home" for lunch and then go back to work.

How does he get anything done?! Does he have issues concentrating or settling? Can he build a work routine? Is he the nightmare office colleague who's forever interrupting everyone at work? Do they dread his return?

I think this is his problem.

@Interrobanger but equally the OP hasn't said anything about his reaction to the kids making noise or messy play. It reads as though she is anxious and jumping through hoops, but has not mentioned anywhere (unless I've missed it) that he has reacted negatively to anything.
I'm not saying your wrong, but to me, this all seems to be coming from the OP rather than her DH.

He now is supposed to go into the office once a week. Surely he could go in twice? If not changing his Monday to a Wednesday really isn't acceptable to "give a friend a lift" his friend should be changing their work day to get the lift!

As others have said, don't try and be quiet because he is there. If he needs peace/ quiet and not to be disrupted he will go into his office. I WFH and I work in the same spot I honestly couldn't imagine moving from place to place all day long it would wreck my head!

I would be trying to keep working on it.

@Opentoskychange

I really am listening, but I don't think people are understanding that there is nothing enjoyable about being at home when someone is working there.

You are constantly aware of noise. Even if you just crack on anyway, you're aware.

Same with mess.

Someone has a tantrum and he appears to ask about it. Or I say "ds was hard work today" he says "yes I know" and I die a little inside.

Also, it's causing problems elsewhere. He doesn't go anywhere, so weekends he will actually drive around just so we're not in the house. This weekend he suddenly swung in a different direction and I asked what he was doing "oh I'll go the scenic route." Then the children fell asleep and disturbed bed time. it's seeping everywhere and it's toxic. He isn't the man I married.

But I see I jave been decided to be another poster. Thanks Mumsnet.

Do you feel that he’s become controlling?

Is he deliberately working from home on your days so that are becoming more and more isolated?

I’m guessing that his “scenic route” caused bed time problems that you ended up dealing with? Curtailing your down time.

Do you get any time with your children without him?
Do you get any time to yourself without him and the children?

Also I forgot to say that OP describing things as 'toxic' is a red flag for me. Toxic is a hugely loaded and emotive word. And it seems extreme to apply it to a situation which is ostensibly about the irritation of a partner wfh.

Coupled with OP saying 'he's not the man I married', I interpret this as a hint that there is much more going on than what's in the OP.

When I see the word 'toxic' I read 'abuse'.

OP is this a problem for you or a problem for him? If it was disturbing him I think you would find he would be spending more time in the office.

Just crack on with your day and leave him to it. He can find somewhere quieter if he needs to.