To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

[Opentoskychange]

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice?

I think you need to stop protecting him from the consequences of his choices. Let the kids be loud. Let them run in to him whenever. Have friends round. Do loud chores yourself if you want to.

Then he'll either stay, but you'll be living normally. Or he'll get stuck of the disruption and go to the office.

But if you want to leave, leave. You get to choose your own boundaries, and you don't need anyone's permission

It sounds like you want to leave, so get your ducks in a row and end it.

I mean he could so easily solve this by just going into the office on the days he is working.

I think you need to spell out what he has to do when he is working from home.

Not speak to you or the kids if he is in the house as it is too upsetting for them to deal with. They can't see him or they will get distressed that he is 'ignoring' him. Treat it as if he is in the office. He has to take a packed lunch upstairs or text you if it's safe to come down to the kitchen. He can take a kettle and tea and coffee and drinks stuff upstairs. He can have a mini fridge somewhere upstairs. But if he sees the kids and upsets them then he deals with it. You will send them into the room he is working in, whether he has a meeting or not, and he can deal with the tantrum he has created.

That or he can go into the office on those days without fail.

You will no longer be keeping them quiet either.

If he doesn't stick to this you will either go back to work full time or move out, as at the moment it's not working having him and the kids at home on the same days.

What does he actually say when you talk about it? Like if you say 'we can't all be in at the same time, what shall we do'? What does he reply?

This phase doesn't last forever, we had the same in lockdowns, my 2 then 3 year old was forever trying to escape and see whoever was working and would then just give up and scream by the stair gate. But now they are 4 they understand that when someone is working they are working and can't be disturbed and they aren't phased by someone wandering into the kitchen and then out again

But why do you "die a little inside" if he says he knows that ds was hard work today? It doesn't sound like he's judging you just agreeing with you! I understand that it must be hard to try and keep quiet but don't understand why you are trying so hard to do so when he is the one breaking the agreement you both made for you to have the kids around Monday and Tuesday with all that entails.

You've had the discussion, he's ignored it, so from now on on Mondays you act exactly as if he isn't there - music on, friends over, messy play whatever. If 3yo wants to show daddy her painting, let her. He has the option to be in the office, if he chooses not to then its up to him whether he gets disturbed or not. Tuesday I would try a bit of a compromise - e.g saying that whenever possible you will try and visit your mum, a friend, soft play whatever for half the day so he can get in with stuff if he wants but you will be around the other half.

He is very thoughtless and selfish OP. I completely understand how hard it is for you.

I think there are, actually, two different issues here.

The first is your partner is not sticking to a 'home office' when working. I think he is unreasonable here - he can't expect to have full run of the house in total silence, especially with small children living there.

The second is your small children not understanding that your partner cannot, really, be disturbed while he is working from home. I am sure a lot of their confusion comes from the fact that he is not staying put in one location.

My suggestion is (unfashionably for Mumsnet) a compromise. Say to your partner that while he is in the home office, he can keep the door shut and you'll be able to stop the children disturbing him while he is in there. I think this is achievable. But the other side of this particular coin is that if he chooses to venture out, he must accept he's fair game and likely to be pestered with pictures of Princess Peach and her fairy castle.

I think saying you're going to leave over this is really just melodramatic, and I can well imagine the reaction here were the sexes of the two parties reversed under these circumstances.

If your partner can't - or won't - agree to the compromise (or something similar) I'd simply ask the direct question "What would work for you that is reasonable and achievable with the people living in this home ?".

Noise-cancelling headphones might help, and you could perhaps ask him how flexible his hours are. In the past, when I've WFH the general view is that as long as the job gets done you're not expected to be glued to a desk from 09:30 - 17:30. If his hours are more flexible, perhaps you could arrange things so he takes an extended lunch with the children and you go out for a couple of hours ?

The driving around thing is so weird.

Don't you just go out and do normal family activities on the weekends? It sounds like if you're not at work, all of you are stuck in the house together all the time. Why is a scenic drive your only opportunity to go out? Would he not come with you to take the kids swimming or to soft play or something?

Also, it's causing problems elsewhere. He doesn't go anywhere, so weekends he will actually drive around just so we're not in the house. This weekend he suddenly swung in a different direction and I asked what he was doing "oh I'll go the scenic route." Then the children fell asleep and disturbed bed time. it's seeping everywhere and it's toxic. He isn't the man I married.

Do you mean that his unwillingness to listen and take you and your children's needs into consideration is seeping everywhere and it's toxic? Is this why you are thinking of leaving him?

Is there anything positive about him or your relationship? What does he actually say when you try to talk to him, when he listens but doesn't hear what you are telling him? Is he aware that he is destroying his family, and if so, why doesn't he care?

It's him that's confusing things. If he is in the home office with door closed it's fairly easy to explain that daddy can't be disturbed. If hes "working" in the bedroom or living room or garden how is a three year old supposed to understand when she can or can't interupt him?

@peachgreen

I don't really think your DH working from home is the problem, OP. You clearly dislike him intensely and can't stand him being around (and those feelings may well be justified, it's not possible for us to know from your post). That's reason enough to leave him, to be honest.

My thoughts too. It doesn’t sound as if the DH is kicking up a fuss about the noise. I would let the children play, if he doesn’t want them running in then he works in one room and has a lock on the door.

This doesn't sound like a marriage or family at all. You sound depressed Op have you spoken to your GP? He sounds depressed too - never leaving the house 7 days a week?!bizarre. Just leave before your children notice.

He gets a lock on the door and some noise cancelling headphones. If the noise is too much he can go to the office or ask you to keep it down. It’s not the same having the house just to yourself and having someone else there but it’s his home too.

Is DH lonely and wanting company and to see children. Or is he hovering and checking up on you. So it feels like parenting with boss looming over you.
I can understand need to be alone - if you want to put tv in and eat biscuits on sofa you feel you can’t.
If you were happy together you’d see it as nice he could have lunch with you. Whereas if you are at barely tolerate stage then him being out 8-6 is preferable.
Could you just have had enough of him full stop.

Is there anything positive about him or your relationship? What does he actually say when you try to talk to him, when he listens but doesn't hear what you are telling him? Is he aware that he is destroying his family, and if so, why doesn't he care?

This. If you are being as direct to him as you are here, how can he fail to understand you? This is deliberate behaviour.

i am sorry you feel this way but i would have to lay down some ground rules, tell him he has to stay in spare room to work, not to keep popping in and out and upsetting the kids, tell him he has to work in the office on one of the days you are at home regardless of the excuses he comes up with. explain that the day you are not working is the kids day and they will be noisy, if he can't cope he should go to the office rather than the spare room, if he has lunch with you and the children then he has to explain to them that he has to go back to work and will see them later, put a lock on the spare room door, even an inside high up bolt, kids will try the door and walk away thinking daddy is not there. if he still decides that he will be popping in and out then grab you coat and keys and go for a walk and let him sort the kids.
if you otherwise have a happy life then please don't give up on it because of the set backs you are having at the moment and if he won't listen then write it down and make it very clear about how unhappy you are, some men just nod but do not actually listen. good luck

I know it's hard but I'd actually let the kids bother and interrupt him, go and see him, make as much noise and mess as you want, invite your friends over, it's the only way he'll understand.

It sounds miserable and I think you are going to have to give him an ultimatum of either he stays in one room all day, so that he is not disrupting the children and making your life more difficult, he goes into work for 2 or 3 days a week or you are going to move out, so that you can actually enjoy the time spent with your children.

My DH has always worked from home. I understand the challenges it presents.

I spent a lot of the time out of the house when the kids were little, to burn off their energy so that when they were in the house they knew to be calm (ish).

Family life does have to continue though and there’s nothing wrong in guests chatting or a bit of noise ( you just don’t want them screaming too loudly).

There's ways of saying "yes I know" which are sympathetic there's also ways that are judgemental it's not the words it's the expression the tone of voice etc so the words themselves don't tell us much, the fact the op dies inside means it's more likely said in a disapproving tone with a frown. If the op's mother is shushing her in the house then something is obviously coming across about his attitude.

I doubt this is salvagable, you don't feel supported or happy with your life and he isn't prepared to help you with that which is why the marriage is ending, it's nothing to do with him wfh if anything that is another symptom not the cause.

@Interrobanger
It’s quite normal to still be working from home these days after the pandemic and some people are just homebodies. He could probably be more considerate but are you really jumping to suggesting he’s working from home to try to control her as an abuser? Literally nothing about this gives any real indication of that.

This sounds like a really big jump to leaving him. This won't last forever as your children will grow up and understand more - and you will have left a man you (i assume) love.

If it's unearthed problems with your actual relationship, then that's a different kettle of fish entirely.

Sorry I’ve just read some updates. My DH has always had a specific office which he never left except for lunch. So it was less confusing for them.

I’d say that as he can go into the office now, you will be encouraging the dc to enjoy their home and do what suits you. If that’s distracting for him then it’s not your problem. Dc need to enjoy and relax in their own home!

@Opentoskychange

It's not that he finds family life disruptive. It's very hard to explain, but having to constantly explain to a three year old why she can't show her picture to Daddy, and so on, seven times in ten minutes, is horrible.

Last week he sat with my mum and I over lunch and then had to go back to work, cue tantrums from the children, they knew he was in the house but are too little to understand.

I'm very frustrated and lonely and fed up of him, which is horrible as he isn't doing anything wrong!

This puts a different slant on things, from your OP I thought your DH was putting pressure on you to be quiet in the home. Tbh I think a 3 year old is old enough to be able to be told that Daddy is not available without a tantrum (unless they are closer to 3 but I assume if she was 2 in March 2020 she must be closer to 4). But if it is causing this much stress that you are thinking of ending your marriage then your DH needs to go and work elsewhere. Does he know you are thinking of this drastic solution?

You sound really unhappy but the wfh issue doesn't seem to be the root cause.

The conversation about DS being hard work - why do you feel that is a slight? I'm confused about that like many posters - can you just spell out what you mean? You are embarrassed that you feel your parenting is being spied on? You feel he is trying to undermine you? It's obviously all in the non verbal delivery, as someone up thread has pointed out 'I know' could be simply him agreeing or it could be passive aggressive. We need a bit more context as to your interpretation of the situation.