Read this sex scene from Giles Coren’s failed novel!!!

[KentishTowner]

In his latest column in The Times Vile Coren is asserting that there are no successful white male authors any more. Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that’s why your novel failed so spectacularly and you won The Bad Sex Award, Giles. Then read the actual, totally bizarre sex scene (the bit about the shower head!):

twitter.com/kirstysedgman/status/1454503687460638726?s=21

I cant stop laughing omg.
All of the and and and.
It made no sense.

I've no idea how he gets these jobs
Nepotism and the old school tie mostly. He is protected by the media establishment.

I made the mistake of reading his Esquire 'wanking' article on the back of this.

If you haven't already, don't. Please don't.

You should hear the latest episode of Coren's podcast which I had the misfortune of listening to last week (somebody else had it on)! He and his wife point out that the column was a joke (as was the sex scene) and then spend the next half an hour or so complaining that people don't find it / them funny. Honestly. It was really sad. But it gave a fabulous insight into how their conversations must go at home whenever he acts like a twat.

His you know what RATTLED against her teeth? The rest is just a continuation of the same crap. Seriously, that's just ridiculous!

Oh yes, a paradox of course. That makes perfect sense after the novel has failed. Obviously.

*Parody!

@EerieSilence

His you know what RATTLED against her teeth? The rest is just a continuation of the same crap. Seriously, that's just ridiculous!

I don't see how there could be 'rattling' unless the lady was wearing dentures.

Up until now I would have assumed Giles Coren had at least a passing familiarity with a penis but now I have to wonder. Surely a long-term owner couldn't get it that wrong?

You have to feel for Victoria. A perfectly nice, sensible woman lumped with that absolute pillock of a brother.

It's parody the same way the cake I made last week was "an ironic statement on the trend for deconstructed foods". The book was just shite, pure and simple. His attempt to rewrite history (IT'S PARODY) is as pathetic and cliched as the original offering.

If his da hadn't been Alan Coren, the talentless, repulsive wee cunt wouldn't even get a job on a school newsletter. He is the reason I don't buy The Times anymore.

@EerieSilence

His you know what RATTLED against her teeth? The rest is just a continuation of the same crap. Seriously, that's just ridiculous!

A piercing?

It's just a shame for him that he's so bad at writing and simultaneously so defensive of it.

not envy!

Bleurchhhhh

The Esquire article....my God! I will never get the phrase 'peeled weasel' out of my brain!

Didn’t he also write a column about how sexy his little toddler daughter looked when he took her on holiday, just the two of them? And isn’t he also well known for making sock puppet Twitter accounts to defend himself and attack his critics? How anyone still pays this man is beyond me but the white establishment in this country can get away with anything, forever.

Esther, his wife, will totally be ion this thread!!

Entitled child of a very funny, talented man. Elevated via nepotism to a status he doesn't deserve. Never had to deal with failure, so when it comes, it's incomprehensible to him.

And if his own dick leaps around like a shower head spurting repeatedly, he should see a doctor.

I'm also not a sock puppet, but I listen to his podcast. He is irritating in some ways, but the podcast is amusing and it was clear from that that he knew his book was terrible and most of what he writes is tongue in cheek, but what the article has done is exactly what he and The TImes wanted, which was getting us all talking about it, for which The Times pay him a huge amount of money.

LOL! Funniest thing I have read all morning - still chuckling typing this....

That stuff about his daughter is seriously disturbing!

@Amammai

I can’t cope with it being one long sentence!!! Apart from ‘Like Zorro’, of course 😂

The lack of punctuation reminded me of thousands of children's stories I've marked in my time (not the content though, obviously) - I can't understand why he wrote it like that.

As for the content - s'truth...

Some more gems from the Literary Review's 'Bad sex awards' here:
www.shortlist.com/news/bad-sex-awards-morrissey-giles-coren-stephen-king.

@flapjackfairy

That stuff about his daughter is seriously disturbing!

I missed this What stuff?

@IndecentCakes

I like to think of his BIL David Mitchell reading it aloud around the Xmas dinner table.

His BIL is Alexander Armstrong, I think.

Dawn Foster was right. What a waste of space.